Category Archives: Uncategorized

January 2, 2010 · 5:13 pm

Bags under my eyes and the spousal look of terror

I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and noticed some not so attractive bags under my eyes.

That’s right.

Bags.

Under.

MY.

Eyes.

I stared in that mirror and the first thought that came to my mind was, “Ok, Ms. age gracefully, never consider plastic surgery, stop trying to chase your youth, I would NEVER… how do you like them bags?”

Not to brag, but I have – by no doing of my own – been fortunate to inherit the beautiful skin that both of my grandmothers sported well into their 80s. That coupled with an extra XX lbs on my ass, has left my 50-year-old punim relatively line and bag free(ish). But last night I was having some sinus and ear issues (no doubt from all the flying I witnessed at the movie, Up in the Air) and when I woke up it all settled in those not so endearing bags under said eyes. Luckily they started to disappear as the day wore on.

I was on the couch with my daughter and asked her to take a look at me and see if she noticed them. Then Gary came in the room. He was leaning over the coffee table innocently placing clementines in a bowl when I asked him. “Hon, do you notice bags and dark circles under my eyes?”

Deer.

In.

Headlights.

Poor thing. He stood there half bent over the table, frozen in time. I could hear the inner workings of his mind, “How in hell am I supposed to answer this friggin’ question?” This, my friends, falls into the proverbial ‘does my ass look fat in this…’ question. The way in which the husband answers this question will change the entire architecture of his day, if not his whole weekend. And he is fully aware of that fact. Luckily for him I had mercy on that poor terrified look on his face and started to laugh.

I am happy to report that the bags have ‘resolved’ but left in their wake is a new found terror that I am not as void of vanity as I once believed. And Gary, he is just happy he did not have to answer that question.

(oh, and of course that picture at the top of the post is not ME!)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

6 Comments

Filed under body image, family, gary, humor, men and women, plastic surgery, women

Tagged as , , , , , ,

December 30, 2009 · 10:17 pm

Font Masturbation

No, I did not make up that name, but I wish I did. This is an actual typeface that I found today while doing a font search. I will admit I colored it and added the effects, but hey, who wouldn’t?

You can see it here on my favorite free typeface website, dafont.com. (please keep in mind many of the free fonts are for personal use, if you want to use them commercially you need to contact them. This one in particular would be for EXTREMELY personal use).

This sucker (no pun – ok maybe yes pun) was designed by Graham Meade of GemFonts and I am not going to lie, I think I might have a crush on him. Seriously, how can you not love a guy that designs a typeface like this? It is so beautifully executed with just a hint of the perverse while still maintaining that whimsical aura. (ok, too many years of doing design presentations, I know).

Yes, once again I am an infant. But let’s be honest, that is why most of you come here every day; to see me behaving poorly.

Wishing you all a happy new year, be safe and remember, penic masturbata is just font usage with someone you love. And of course, hoping you do not experience any typface interruptus in 2010.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

10 Comments

Filed under absurdities, humor, humor, sex, work

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

December 26, 2009 · 11:19 pm

Eat. Drink. Sleep. Repeat.

Holiday weekends can be so stressful. There is all that food and alcohol, and lying on the couch and changing of channels, reading of books and turning of pages. How the hell do you get anything done in this atmosphere?

Oh right, that is the whole point.

Hard to get used to being so lazy, but I am not going to lie, it’s not all that bad.

Hope you are all getting some heavy doses of family and friends, laced with enough food and drink to make you feel good and guilty come Monday. Don’t worry, there is plenty of time to be productive and sensible, for now, just enjoy it.

Sorry, I have to go now. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure is starting and the beginning is the best part.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photos from outside the comfort zone..

2 Comments

Filed under holidays, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , ,

December 15, 2009 · 5:59 pm

No more shaving?!

Nope, didn’t make this one up. This baby is a screen grab right off my Facebook page. One of those creepy targeted ads towards women over 50. Or should I say, bearded women over 50. Hold onto your hats kiddies, I am up for a good rant on this one.

C’mon American Laser Centers! Are you friggin’ kidding me!

I mean, do you really think that a woman with shaving cream on her face is going to attract the likes of me and my kind? Honestly, we wax. And we laser after weighing the consequences of lifelong hair removal from certain parts of our bodies. Many do have to do a little touch up above the lip (I am thankful to say I do not). But um, facial hair to the point of having a beard?! Did you think maybe a shot of some long legs or a perhaps a hint of the bikini line might get us a little more attracted to your service than to show a woman…

SHAVING HER DAMN FACE!

I am sorry, last time I went on a girls weekend with my 50-year-old friends I don’t recall any of them whipping out the shaving cream and the razor and going to town on their chinny chin chins. I do remember a few conversations with the word ‘Brazilian’ in it but hey, we are just a bunch of women over 50, what do we know about hair removal? Well, this one does know that the hair removal market sits at around $1.8 billion annually – yes with a B! Thanks Wendy for that little factoid.

Wait, have I mentioned that 50-year-old women tend to be menopausal with erratic behavior patterns and reactions to things that piss them off. Oh right, did not show up in the research.

Oh, you were trying to be funny you say?

NOT.

Just curious, did you do any kind of focus group on that ad? Was there even a woman in the building when you guys did that creative? My friends, this is what we call a big time fail in my book.

So, my dear friends at the American Laser Centers, let’s see what kind of social media monitoring you are doing now that you put that ridiculous ad on my Facebook page. Or shall I say anti-social media? Rule number one, make sure you monitor or you are setting yourselves up for a nightmare. Might I suggest  The Social Studies Group, they can set you up with a nice program. And hey, $3,000 worth of free laser treatments would be a good sort of apology for insulting the hell out of me.

Now, you will have to excuse me, I have to go call the wonderful woman who waxes me and tell her how much I appreciate her sensitivity.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

6 Comments

Filed under absurdities, body image, fashion, humor, marketing, social media, women

Tagged as , , , , , ,

December 11, 2009 · 12:49 am

Out of the Basement

For those who know me, I am usually rather subterranean. My office is in the basement. It has been called the command center by those who humor me, or maybe the people who truly get who I am. Aside from my morning walk, most of what I do – professionally and personally – can be handled from this underground habitat.

However, this week I have been very out of the basement. Let me rephrase that, I have actually been VERY out of the basement. It’s not bad. But I feel as if I am becoming a little disoriented. Perhaps it is all that oxygen. Or it could be that I am simply  a little overstimulated. Actually, I think I am a lot overstimulated. But on the other hand, a big thank you to those who added to the overstimulation. Not bad once in awhile. And no, I am not an agoraphobic for those of you who were starting to go down that road.

The controlled environment down here keeps me somewhat focused; if having a blog post, a twitter stream, a facebook page (with the odd chat going on) and various work projects open while emailing, listening to WFUV, answering texts and talking on the phone simultaneously would be considered focused.

Jeez, perhaps I need to sit in a dark room!

I have driven so much this week that I almost ran out of gas tonight. There I was at almost midnight on the Whitestone bridge and that scary orange ‘low fuel’ light came on. Not a great place to run out of gas. Happy to report I made it home. (I wonder if the car will start in the morning).

So tomorrow I will vow to spend most of the day down here. I will be productive and try my best to process it all. And yes, if any of you need me to look something up or mapquest for you like you usually do, you know where to find me.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

5 Comments

Filed under carreers, humor, humor, Uncategorized, work, work habits

Tagged as , , , , , ,

December 9, 2009 · 8:47 pm

Facebook Invitations – how far will they go?

If you are on Facebook I am sure you have friends who are users of these ridiculous (anti)social requests and invitations. I get them all the time. There is no end to the senseless applications that people use to try to socialize. Hey, you want to chat, comment on my status, send me a link? Great, I love to connect with old friends as well as new. But these hideous applications: ismile, farmville, mafia wars and now the one that surely crosses the line…

a feel your boobies invitation.

No, I did not make this one up. That graphic up there is an actual screen grab. Not gonna lie, it had me laughing.

It all started with my crazy HS friend whose Facebook status the other day was:

Listen I hate Farming and to join another family in Mafia wars would be crazy cause I cant handle my own.. SoooooooThe answer is NO.

The comments on this thread started to get really funny when she wrote:

I just got a” feel your boobies” request…has the whole freakin face book world gone mad…I kinda wanna say yes to see how they’re gonna pull this one off.

Hard to keep reading as I was laughing so hard. Then came this response from another HS friend:

would you please open your back door. I’VE BEEN OUT HERE KNOCKING ALL DAY!

and yet another:

OK so this form of fun is so much better than farming, mafia and so on. Let me know if your boobs get a rub down  as perhaps there are other feels out there!

So of course she sent me the request because I had to check it out. I am happy to report that not only is this application not porn (sorry guys, I know you were getting into this), but it is actually a breast cancer awareness foundation called, you guessed it, Feel Your Boobies, to promote self examination.

You can read about the app here and the join the facebook group here. Although I think this is a great program and I love the edge, it is unfortunate that at first glance on Facebook this was considered offensive or at best fodder for jokes. If I were not inquisitive and/or a student of social media I probably would have made fun of it, hit ignore and forgotton about it.

So, for my social media friends, was the use of Facebook for this program edgy or a fail? I am not sure where I weigh in on this. Again, being a lover of polls, let’s take a vote.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

7 Comments

Filed under absurdities, conversations, health, humor, humor, marketing, trends, women

Tagged as , , , , , ,

December 2, 2009 · 9:36 pm

What to get those ‘difficult’ people on your list

Oh please forgive me this post, but I could not help myself. A quick stop into Urban Outfitters today (no Jana this had NOTHING to do with your Hannukah gifts) and I came across these on the sale table. (can’t image why they were not a sell out).


I am only sorry I did not buy the whole lot of them.

The fact that they sell these does not surprise me. Keep in mind their demographic. And they sell a fart book with sound for goodness sake.

So, if there is a douche bag or two in your life (Ronni, I am thinking you might want to buy a set for that next PTA meeting) or an asshole you just can’t avoid having to buy a gift for, these would come in mighty handy.

I particularly like the design of the asshole plates, that diminishing spiral ending in what suggests to be the asshole of the plate is simply perfect. I am just a little stumped trying to figure out what you could serve on these.

I really think I need to go back and buy them…

Oh, and if you were thinking there is something wrong with your screen, no worries, it is in fact snowing on this blog and will be till January 4th. (you gotta love WordPress!)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

11 Comments

Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, holidays, humor, humor, magnet for the absurd, products, trends

Tagged as , , , , ,

November 22, 2009 · 11:02 pm

Bagel and a Pap Schmear?!!

CBS Cares went out on a limb tonight and aired this Public Service Announcement promoting cancer screening. What could be bad about that, you ask? Well watch for yourself and tell me what you think. (sorry, CBS is not playing nicely with WordPress so I can’t embed). If you’re not inclined to watch the video or are reading on a Blackberry, here is the script:

Want to do something special for your woman this Hannukah? Schedule her a pap smear. Just a schmear could save her life. Light up her menorah with a gift that says, you look great but it’s what’s inside that counts.

Yeh, well, alrighty then. I am guessing this is not airing nationally. ‘Um, darlin’, what’s a schmear?’

Folks, anyone else grossed out with the cream cheese reference. I might never put my feet in those stirrups again without craving a bagel and lox.

I am not sure on what level this is more offensive, the lack of respect for screening or the bizarre Jewish twist. Perhaps they should have used Woody Allen as the talking head. I simply love the way they targeted the Jewish market by talking about food, gift giving and the way they look. Yeh, we are a pretty shallow tribe. Jeez!!

I don’t even know where to start with this one. Who wrote this, Adam Sandler? ‘Grab your harmonica, let’s celebrate Hannukah’. I was thinking a soundtrack of Jim Morrison singing Come on Baby Light My Menorah would have been a nice touch.

I first heard about this on Facebook (thanks Amy K), and the 17 comments in an hour should give you an idea of how it was received. My favorite was the woman who said ‘this is brilliant, those secular pap smear PSAs NEVER work’. Most of us thought it was a goof. I mean, who would actually air this?  During 60 minutes no less.

If you read the backgrounder on the campaign below the video it gets worse. There is talk of overhearing a conversation at Il Mulino (I am sure they will be thrilled with the press – great food BTW, you know how we Jews love good italian) where women were talking about ‘refrigerated speculums’ causing them to not want to go for pap smears but he thought they said ‘spatulas’. (Huh? What was the point of all that)  Oh right, most woman forego a pap smear to avoid cold metal objects. I mean mammos are so comfortable – we go for those, no problem. And surely singling me out as a Jewish woman with some silly references to my food and holidays will make me run to the gyn to make sure I am screened.

Right, if I was an idiot!

Don’t get me wrong, anything that gets women out for screening is a great in my book. But seriously folks, this is a fail of Motrin Moms proportion in my book.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

13 Comments

Filed under absurdities, health, women

Tagged as , , , , ,

November 19, 2009 · 11:13 pm

What are you thinking

Over the next few days you will hear all the reasons why I love the W Hotel in Miami. This first reason is a biggie. How can I, the Magnet for the Absurd, ever resist a coaster in the bathroom under glass that asks me:

What are you thinking right at this very second?

Then, as if that were not endearing enough, I am told to:

(write it down)

Seriously, I had to look around that bathroom for the camera.

Talk about a brand that GETS me! I am smitten.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

2 Comments

Filed under carry a camera, companies, travel, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , ,

November 3, 2009 · 8:20 pm

Indecent Exposure

pants-down-front

mfta momentAt this point I am fairly convinced these things are put specifically in my path. Yes, I have been targeted in life, a true MFTA. How else can you explain this one?

I hardly ever go shopping, even more rarely am I in the men’s department of Macy’s. But today, while trying to get some clothes for the boy, we came across this scene. I took a picture of the back first (which was quite funny). But Danny casually walked passed these guys and told me the front was much better, then kept browsing through the racks. Seems the next generation has become accustomed to my need to capture the absurd.

This was surely better for him than the old lady I made him follow through the Bloomie’s women’s department wearing reptile tights, leg warmers and gold metallic Converse. (no Danny was not wearing that, the old woman was!) Sadly I could not get a good enough shot of her and he was not great camouflage for me in the evening dress department.

So back to Mr. No Head With His Pants Down. Of course I had to get a closer look at was was going on under those shirt tails. It seems the poor guy has just a hint of a package, if you will. Kind of like a nub or a turtle type shrinkage sort of apparatus. I guess you would say he was sort of anatomically… castrated.

Take a look for yourself:

anatomically-castrated

This all got me to thinking whether this was intentional or simply a wardrobe malfunction. What do you think?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

6 Comments

Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, danny, humor, humor, magnet for the absurd, trends

Tagged as , , , , ,