Category Archives: sex

She’s Got Game

SKEA_black swan

Or, perhaps the title of this post should be “The Vagina Games”, but that would have been link bait and I am so not about that.

This could be the best kickstarter in… well, ever! SKEA (Smart Kegel Exercise Aid) is a game controller that you insert vaginally. Yes, you read that correctly. You control a mobile game app with your vaginal muscles.

The name of the game that you can control with your wunder down under?

“Alice In Continent”. You have to love these crazy kids.

For those of you of the birthing ilk, you are no strangers to Kegel exercises. These help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, keeping the ole bladder in shape and bringing your love nest back to its original splendor after you have given birth. I would imagine this item is perfect for the woman with a Herculean Hey-Nanny-Nanny; and certainly for those who like to kill Zombies with their lady bits. (How much slang DO you think I can use in this post? And is it bad for the ads I will be served this week that I googled ‘vagina slang’?)

This is perfect for over-worked, under-appreciated mom market: ‘Kids, go do your homework, Mommy has to slay some dragons…’

When I posted this on Facebook I had an overwhelming amount of comments. My fave was from a friend who is a clergy person who said if she saw this she would have thought it was a duck and would have bought it for her mom, the duck collector.

Duck collector, indeed!

Tom Chen, the designer, created this video that is beyond words. I urge you to take a look for yourself. I particularly like his use of water bottles and fruit. His wife called this item ‘humanitarian’ (seriously?). I can’t help but wonder if the typo in Dr. Peng Peng’s title (M.D. in Gynercology) was intentional.

I know, amazing vid, right?

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 6.25.27 PMThis illustration? I don’t even know what to do with this. Well, yes, I do, but I am way too classy for that.

Ok, so as if this was not fabulous enough right here, you will be happy to know that there have been 4 updates to this product. #4 is my fave.

For those who were thinking the same thing that I was when I first saw this – which means pretty much EVERYONE – you will be happy to hear they have had multiple requests (was ‘multiple; an intentional play on words?) for a SKEA with ‘erotic’ function. They are designing another model ‘that should deliver a decent and adjustable vibration’ and ‘may also develop specific apps that users with different needs can choose…’

Talk about a joystick!

Perfect name for one of those apps… ‘She’s Got Game’, of course.

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Filed under absurdities, humor, pregnancy, sex

I heart my WHAT gum?

This one gets the MFTA tag because I was waiting on line to pay at a store today and was called over to the cashier on the completely opposite side of the counter from where I was standing. Why? Because in the ‘impulse buy’ rack at that counter would be the very last pack of…

I heart my penis gum. It was fate!

Yep, kiddies, this little package is the real deal. It contains ‘8 pieces of artificially flavored fruit chewing gum’ (why fruit?)

I told the cashier that I would have bought 10 packs if they had them and she told me they can’t keep this stocked. Seriously, is there a guy you know that you COULDN’T by this for?

You know how they all feel about them. And then there are the guys that refer to their penises as ‘the little guy’ or ‘little ____ (fill in their name in the blank)‘, ‘or he’ as in ‘he wants ____ (again fill in the blank)‘ as if there is a separate brain sitting down there in their pants. (which I guess there is).

No, guys, this is not a penis bashing post, you have to admit there is truth in all this. And do you really think you would ever see ‘I love my Vagina’ gum for sale. I think not. Maybe Gary can market the ‘I love my Hey-Nanny-Nanny gum, though.

Ok, so perhaps most men would prefer us to give them the ‘I love your penis’ but somehow I don’t think it would be as big a seller.

This is equally as entertaining as the Sexlet gum I found in South Beach and the Does this gum make my ass look big gum that I received as a gift.

I guess you could say I am the Magnet for the Absurd Gum (MFTAG).


Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at
50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, body image, humor, magnet for the absurd, photography, sex

Font Masturbation

No, I did not make up that name, but I wish I did. This is an actual typeface that I found today while doing a font search. I will admit I colored it and added the effects, but hey, who wouldn’t?

You can see it here on my favorite free typeface website, dafont.com. (please keep in mind many of the free fonts are for personal use, if you want to use them commercially you need to contact them. This one in particular would be for EXTREMELY personal use).

This sucker (no pun – ok maybe yes pun) was designed by Graham Meade of GemFonts and I am not going to lie, I think I might have a crush on him. Seriously, how can you not love a guy that designs a typeface like this? It is so beautifully executed with just a hint of the perverse while still maintaining that whimsical aura. (ok, too many years of doing design presentations, I know).

Yes, once again I am an infant. But let’s be honest, that is why most of you come here every day; to see me behaving poorly.

Wishing you all a happy new year, be safe and remember, penic masturbata is just font usage with someone you love. And of course, hoping you do not experience any typface interruptus in 2010.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, humor, humor, sex, work

Move over Viagra, now there’s sex GUM!

While buying suntan lotion at Walgreen’s in South Beach I came across Sexlet – the sex gum, at the check out counter. Talk about an impulse buy! I have to admit I find the name rather annoying. Are they trying to do a play on sex and chicklets? Not working for me.

Nonetheless, I was intrigued by the package and then drawn in by the claims on the counter card:

Sexlets™ for him (kind of put off that there is no Sexlets for her) claims to be a proprietary blend of natural male stimulating ingredients (boring so far) which are directly absorbed into the the body’s bloodstream (still very boring). Chewing the gum releases these natural actives and allow absorption through the capillaries (what is this, middle school health class sex, how disappointing). Then a whole bunch of digestive system stuff – talk about a buzz kill. And THEN…

….which cause an increase in blood flow (hmmm, blood flow moves in the right direction). This consequently makes for a larger, thicker penis with longer, harder, firmer and more powerful erections. (NOW we’re talkin’ – oh jeez, mom, so sorry, I know you are reading this).

Wait, all this from GUM? OTC? What a claim. Send a case to everyone for the holidays!

Now, I bet you would expect the follow-up line to be, ” If you have an erection for more than 4 hours, call your doctor.” But no, not this product. Their following line is: “Chewing gum promotes saliva which according to dentists (Dr. Jimmy, please confirm) helps maintain clean and healthy teeth and gums by eliminating promotion of bacteria”. Hey don’t know about you guys but talk of mouth bacteria surely does not put me in the mood.

So I bought this pack of gum and all weekend this became a great running joke. Wow, hot looking waiter, ask him if he needs gum. Hey the towel boy at the pool is a babe, think he needs some gum?

Ok, so we never gave any out. But I do have a pack here if anyone is interested. Maybe I should run a giveaway! Give me your most embarrassing dating story and I will send you a pack.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, products, sex

Lawn Ornament Afterparty

lawn-ornament-afterparty

I pass these three every morning on my walk. Today I felt compelled to share them with you. 

I simply love each one of them. Here is my take on the scenario:

Froggy: good chance he just did one of the bunnies. What, not what you were expecting? C’mon, look at that smug look on his face and his satiated stance. What else could have gone on here?

Bunny in the middle: Thinking this one was a witness not a participant. Seems kind of rejected or perhaps embarrassed.

Bunny on the right: Yep, this one looks pretty chipper and flirty.

What concerns me a little bit about sharing this with you all is the fact that I am starting to spill the contents of my warped mind into the blogosphere at a staggering rate. 

Oh, that and that fact that I am listed in some places as a mom blogger. Hey, nothing wrong with a little birds and bees lesson now and then. Or frogs and bunnies if you will. And the  co-mingling of species is a nice piece on tolerance. All in all I think this is a lovely little parenting post.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone

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Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, humor, moms, photography, sex

To the Man at Starbucks Last Night

starbucksI am not quite sure if you were sticking around to hear our conversation because it was like staring at the accident, or if you were just paralyzed and were not sure when would be an opportune moment to get up and leave. Either way, I hope we entertained you.

The setting: suburban Starbucks after dinner on a Saturday night.

Attending: 2 couples of ‘a certain age’ if you will. 

Topics of conversation:

1. Tattoos: mainstream or trashy. I argued for mainstream and pointed out that the perception of trashy was a generational one. (translation: you are an old hag, my friend).

2. Being Clean: and by this I am not referring to showering. The question arose whether all young men and women have chosen the route of no hair. This one crosses the age barrier. There has been a request for some research on the percentage of those who have chosen to go hairless, broken down by gender and age. Hmmm, I do know just the person to find this out. Are you biting?

3. Taking no hair one step further we discussed shaving vs. waxing vs. laser. Oh, and you will happy to know not only did the Mangroomer come up, I believe there might have been a request for one for Father’s day.

You know, just a typical suburban chat over coffee.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone

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Filed under body image, communities, conversations, humor, sex

Vaigra Soft?!!

viagra_SoftTabs

No, I did not make this one up. This is a generic version of Viagra in a soft tab form. Apparently these were designed for those who can’t get it up or swallow. (I know, cheap shot, but admit that was funny).

I received an email today with a ridiculous subject line: ‘Look for my cell around’ from a sender named Chauncey. Under the headline ‘80% Discount’ with a Canadian Pharmacy banner was a row of pills:

Viagra, Cialis, Levitra,Tamiflu (apparently the swiney is as hot as erectile dysfunction these days), Viagra Soft and Cialis Soft.

Um, BRANDING rules folks! Viagra and Cialis S-O-F-T. I think we have a little problem with messaging here. I do a ton of work in Pharma, we change things day in and day out. How the hell did this one come to pass? (again, no pun intended).

 

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone

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Filed under absurdities, humor, marketing, products, sex

Porn industry seeks federal bailout?

moneyistock_000004548430xsmall

This is why I love Twitter. Anyone sick of hearing that from me? Tough, it is a mild addiction and it is not hurting anyone. Oh, and it gives me all sorts of things to blog about.

Today I found a link to this post about the Porn Industry seeking a federal bailout on CNNPolitics.com. The comments are as amusing as the brief post. 

Hustler Publisher Larry Flynt and Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis are requesting a $5 billion bailout for the adult entertainment industry. It is not because the industry is hurting, but because, and I quote Flynt:

“…the industry leaders said the issue is a nation in need. People are too depressed to be sexually active. This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex.”

Nope, can’t make this stuff up. But we surely could use some pathetic play on words here, like ‘stimulus package’ or calling these industry leaders ‘humps’. Ok, cheap shots. 

This goes to show you that even when the world is spinning out of control, the Spin Doctors are still thinking up new ways to get attention. Have to hand it to them, it got a laugh out of me.

Oh, and of course we must not overlook the other big political news today, Joe the Plumber Heads to the Middle East to cover the Gaza conflict for pjtv. A lovely little sound bit from good old Joe:

“Being a Christian I’m pretty well protected by God I believe. That’s not saying he’s going to stop a mortar for me, but you gotta take the chance.”

Now would be a good time to shamelessly plug my Joe the Plumber merch on Cafepress.com. C’mon you know you are dying for a t-shirt or a mug.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, current events, humor, sex, t-shirts, twitter

We are #1…

no1atno2_small

…at picking up #2?!

Oh yes, you read that billboard correctly. This is an advertisement for Callahead. And who, might you ask, is this company? Well, if you live in the suburbs near a house under construction, or you attend an outdoor concert or event, then you would know that Callahead would be a supplier of…

… you guessed it, porta-sans. Yes, my friends, here is a company that capitalized on the funkiness of its product with a campy name. Then went one step further in the school of ‘i know you are but what am I’ advertising and came up with what I think is a brilliant tagline. Seriously, how can you not laugh when you see this? Come on all you lofty sophisticates and award-winning creatives. I challenge you to say that this is not effective and memorable. At the risk of using a marketing term with a double entendre, this sucker is extremely ‘sticky’.

So you get the full picture of why I took this shot, let me first say that my sister-in-law called me the day before I saw this billboard to tell me that she saw the truck and did not have a camera. The next day, there I am driving into the city for brunch and right on the ramp to the Midtown Tunnel is that crazy billboard. I missed it on the way in, so on the way out I hung my camera out the window facing backwards and caught it at the last minute. NO, I was not driving. Give me a break, I am not that nuts.

I was going to crop it till I noticed the Empire State Building, that crazy sky and the wild angle and decided the whole shot was a keeper.

callaheadJust in case you were wondering what these look like in person, I took a picture of one on my walk this morning. This baby is the Econo-Head. Oh, how I love that name. As the website states, ‘this product has evolved dramatically over the years… Econo head is one of our most attractive portable toilets available today.’ Wait, here it comes…

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How did anyone write that copy with a straight face?

Hold on, this gets better. Here are a few of my faves in the product line: The Special Event Toilet (for those special events, you know what they are). The Construction Flush (is that like a Royal Flush?) and my all time favorite…

The Job-Site Head. OMG, this one kills me. Go ahead, think about that one. Job? Head? This reminding anyone of anything here? Really, who would not like a little head on the job site? If you remember way back when I did a post about ‘a little head would be nice’. (You really need to click on that link now, don’t you?)

Face it, bathroom humor and infantile behavior always gets a laugh. And remember, this ain’t no mom blog 7 days a week, that’s for sure.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog where Jana joins in the election bloglove.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, humor, marketing, New York City, photography, road signs, sex

Sarah Palin Condom!

 …or why you should always have $5 in your pocket in Times Square. 

I kid you not, my friends. Oh no, did I just say ‘my friends’? Help, I think my brain has been infiltrated by election pop culture. Um, do you think? This is my 4th friggin’ consecutive post on this drivel. I can’t help it, everyday gets more amusing.

Back to the story of the condom. I was walking from Penn Station to meet Gary and some friends for dinner on 56th Street. For those who know NY, this is a walk through the belly of the beast known as Times Square. At rush hour! This is about as out of the basement as you can get.

Overstimulation is an underestimation.

I was getting into the bob and weave of the ebb and flow of bodies and traffic, street noises and meat-on-a-stick smells, when all of the sudden I hear:

“Get your Sarah Palin Condoms. Limited Edition!”

What? Are you KIDDING me? And there it was again, coming from another place. And then another. There must have been a half a dozen young men carrying boxes of condoms. A whole swarm of condom hawkers. (BTW, they also had Obama and McCain – those are simply not funny). 

But Palin condoms? With the tagline “When abortion is not an option”. That is absolutely hysterical. 

Here is the best part. A young french man came up to the vendor as I was buying one. 

French Man: what are theez?

Vendor: Sarah Palin condoms.

French Man: Ugh! I wooood not put my deeeek in one of theez.

And this is when I knew for sure that the humor gods had smiled down upon me once again and I could live another day!

(fyi, you can purchase them here, but they are cheaper on the street if you happen to be in Times Square).

Also, my candidate paper dolls came today. They are so amazing I must do a follow-up post on them. Just a preview… first page, they are in their underwear!

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Filed under humor, politics, products, sex, trends