Tag Archives: absurdities

Insomnia Questions

insomniaquestionsI can’t stay asleep. I have a sinus infection with laryngitis.

ME. With laryngitis.

Do the math on that one!

You know the drill on sleeping with this stuff. You pass out and then you snore or hack yourself awake, leaving sleep a thing of the past. I usually read when I wake up, but the combination of my cement head and the fact that my snoring has sent Gary running for the hills (or Jana’s room) for a good night sleep, have led me to late night TV. It beats ruminating in the middle of the night – my other favorite insomniac pastime (don’t believe anything you think about in the middle of the night).

For your reading pleasure, here is a list of what is on in the middle of the night:

Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars (Get naked, get truly naked)

Little Women: LA (yes this is about midgets and yes I know that term is horrifyingly not PC… blame the illness)

Mob Wives: The Antisocial Network (and I quote: “She has cancer… she’s stage fucking 4! I don’t want nothing from this rat bitch) Note to self: start using the term ‘rat bitch’.

Hardcore Pawn (one of my all-time faves)

There are countless otherworld shows: American Supernatural, The Haunting in Connecticut and Trance, which is a lively show where they hypnotize people and interview them. Who wouldn’t love that?

But the one that was truly like watching the accident was… drumroll please:

My 600 Lb. Life. WTF?! This is a reality show about the morbidly obese. I could not change the channel. That is not until I witnessed a visiting nurse lifting an enormous fat flap of a bed ridden mom on oxygen in a hospital bed in her living room who had just sent her enabling spouse out grocery shopping. She was treating a cellulitis wound caused by fat folds! And they zoomed in. This is just not right for me to witness. The mom’s goal was to get out of bed in time to trick or treat with her son. I can’t even!

I think I need to start the hashtag #insomniaquestions. At the very least I should start a column called MFTATV. (Magnet for the Aburd Television)

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to watch back to back reruns of Will and Grace and Sex in the City.

mfta approved

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Filed under absurdities, humor, mfta, sick, sleep

Donkeys are the new goats

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I want to preface this with the fact that I live in a suburban area known as the North Shore of Long Island. That would be the Nawth Shaw of Long Guyland if you buy into that whole stereotypical dialect thing.

I do not.

This magazine was at the checkout of our local Whole Foods. Modern Farmer? Really? Talk about missing the demographic! There are no farmers in this ‘hood – modern or otherwise. The only thing better than this close-up shot would have been one with a woman dressed to the nines in front of the magazine rack. Keep in mind this particular Whole Foods is across the street from The Miracle Mile, a Rodeo Drive style shopping area.

You’ve heard the expression, “It goes together like donkeys and Manolo Blahniks, right? Of course, everyone has.

At first I thought this was an Onion type magazine. With that Headline: Donkeys, the new goats. And the Redonkulous seal (with an excellent use of hyphenation)

Other wonderful headlines that are a bit more relatable for this zip code:

  • Pot Farming Goes Big
  • How to Grow a Winter Garden (was this the follow-up to the Pot Farming article?)
  • Drink Bitter Booze (while you are Pot Farming?)

I cannot, for the life of me, explain why I did not pick up a copy of this publication. I would like to point out that if you visit their website there is currently an article titled, New Year’s Resolution: Eat More Squirrel in 2015. Yep, that was definitely on my list this year! You?

I quote:

“Locavores, listen up: if you want to eat non-GMO, antiobiotic- and hormone-free, lean, free range, local, healthy meat, you need to look up. Limb chicken, as squirrels are affectionately known in many hunting circles, is arguably better than grassfed beef or organic pork when it comes to planetary health.”

Affectionately, indeed. Limb chicken… I can’t.

And you are in luck, there is a recipe at the end of the article. (no I am not making this up)

I can’t wait for the spring issue!

(FYI, yes, I am pretty sure I am back)

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Filed under absurdities, blogging, carry a camera, cooking, current events, humor

Mom Texting

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For a mom with high digital engagement, it always amazes me how much I suck at texting and IMing. Actually, I probably just suck at typing and it translates to those mediums.

Danny, my adult son, has moved home after college and commutes to the city. His schedule changes as he spends nights in the city often. Wanting to plan for dinner, I usually text him during the day to get his status for that night.

The beauty of my relationship with my kids? They have inherited the appreciation for the absurd. Second gen MFTA*, if you will.

Do you think I could start #pimpmom trending?

mfta moment

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Filed under absurdities, advice to my son, conversations, danny, humor, parenting, technolgy

Bowling for Ebola

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I don’t mean to be flippant about something so serious as Ebola, but sometimes I simply think in NY Post headlines.

This little jewel of a title popped into my head during today’s most delightful early morning dog field banter that starts my week days. (I love these people!)

Today’s topic? Why would Dr. Spencer, who had just returned from Africa treating ebola patients with Doctors Without Borders, ever think it was a good idea to go BOWLING within a week of his return? AND, when he was already feeling ‘fatigued’?

Bowling? Really? Was this urgent. ‘Damn, I have been out of the country for weeks, I really need to bowl!’

Here’s a little tidbit from the NYT Well blog that might make us all feel a little better about all of this:

If someone left blood, vomit or feces on a bowling ball, and the next person to touch it did not even notice, and then put his fingers into his eyes, nose or mouth, it might be possible.

Ok, do I need to comment on this or does its total absurdity speak for itself? Of course I do, that is why I am here! Because, you know, sometimes I am so damn focused on my bowling score that I totally miss the blood, vomit or feces on that ball and go right on playing. And then of course lick my fingers or pick my nose.

The consensus? Those with the greatest amount of education are sometimes the least intelligent amongst us. Or perhaps he did not work for Doctors without Borders, but instead Zach Galifianakis’ favorite charity, Doctors Without Diplomas.

#bowlingforebola… what do you think. Could this trend?

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Filed under absurdities, health, sports

Happiness

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I am never comfortable seeing the word ‘seminar’ before the word ‘happiness’. Following it with the tagline: Stop Thinking & Start Becoming surely did not help. As a friend commented when I posted this photo this morning, ” Becoming what?”.

I assume the answer to that is becoming happy.

What I found even more amusing was the idea of finding happiness in the Best Western Bayside Inn. In the East Room, of course. In blue type. Assuming that you could never find happiness in the West Room.

I sort of hate the ‘I just want to be happy’ declaration. I subscribe to the notion that misery gives happiness context. You have to do a little suffering to get what happy is, right?

Wanting to not just be flippant, I felt it was my responsibility to research this a bit. That and I am working through a full-blown bout of procrastination this week.

At first google all I could fine was a bunch of event site listings stating that this had no age limitations and was categorized in ‘Other’. The age thing? OK, happiness is not age dependent. But other? Hmmmm…

Further investigation brought me to the Maum Method. Ah… clarity. Meditation. Cool. I have practiced TM on and off for years and can relate. It has surely helped my family members a great deal and I am know a more consistent practice would do me a world of good. (note to self: meditate more regularly)

I read more:

The human mind is an accumulation of pictures that is stored within your mind and body… Through the Maum Method you will become free of pictures and free of the incessant recording, as a result, you will become free of the illusionary false world which is the human mind. No longer trapped in the human mind, you will find your true purpose and reach the state of happiness when reborn in the universe mind.

Ok. No judgement. Whatever gets you there. But for me… life IS all about pictures and sounds. Art and music are what make me happy. Oh wait, that is probably not what they meant. Perhaps it is the directive to lose the self and be part of the whole that never works for me.

Ok, that sounds like judgement. Honestly, this post was really about something that made me laugh at 6AM on the bagel store bulletin board.

But hey, Woo Myung, the founder of Maum Meditation, was awarded the Mahatma Gandhi Peace Price by the UN – NGO, International Association of Educators for World Peace (IAEWP) and was appointed a World Peace Ambassador by the same organization.

I love how a funny siting led me down a road to self-actualization.

ish.

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Time to Cry Tuesdays – Grieving is not for Sissies

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I know, quite a blog post title to resurface with, but hey, it’s Tuesday. What do you expect?

I like to find the humor in most situations. This grief thing is surely putting a damper on my style, but I work hard at trying to find a way to laugh when I can.

Today I have hit new heights. Amongst the odds and ends of things on my to-do list today, snuggled nicely between ‘call to have the sprinkler system serviced’ and ‘fax e-file forms back to the accountant’ sat this ominous listing:

Call the cemetery to inquire about the sod issue.

Really? The sod issue? Why should there be an issue about sod when we are talking about a grave. Should grass not be a given? Shouldn’t our lowest expectation of a cemetery be that they would lay some sod on a final resting place (Yes, I realize this sounds like a cemetery marketing piece) Apparently not, because they told my Dad that they only lay sod in the fall. So, I decided to call them myself and get to the bottom of this.

First call yielded a recording:

We are experiencing unusually high call volume at this time. Please try again later. (seriously!!!! People dying to get in today… ba dum bum)

Second try:

Me: I am calling about having sod put down on a grave for an unveiling* in June.

Her: I am sorry, we only lay sod in the fall. If we lay it in the spring and we have a hot day, it burns. And we care for it if we put it down.

Me: Were we told that last spring at the funeral (as if we would remember). Or did you send us a notice, like ‘hey, if you don’t want a dirt grave for your loved one you need to order sod in the fall’

Her: No, we don’t.

Me: Hmmm, you might want to consider putting that in your packet. Can we put down our own sod?

Her: Yes, but you will have to take care of it.

Me: Do you have a sprinkler system (yes, after I said that I realized it is probably unlikely and frowned upon to start digging in a cemetery, but I had a momentary loss of rational thought from this conversation)

Her: We do not. Your other option is that you can wait till the fall and we can rent you a grass matt for the unveiling for $10 a square…

with this I sort of lost my mind and said:

Me: Are you kidding me?! More fees! This is like a Larry David.

Her: Who is Larry David?

Me: OMG… Seinfeld? The Larry David Show? Ring a bell?

Her: Oh, never heard of him. Never watched it.

Me: That’s too bad. Ok, so basically you are telling me that my father, who is in his mid 80s, will have to lay sod himself on his wife’s grave so we don’t have to look at the same raw dirt that was there the day of the funeral. And if we want said sod to stay alive, we should drive there a couple of times a week from Long Island to New Jersey to water it. And this you do not find both horrifying and hysterical at the same time.

Her: Well, when you put it that way…

Me:  You should REALLY see if you can find re-runs of Larry David.

Yeh, grieving is not for sissies, indeed.

*Unveiling: Within the first year after the passing of a loved one, mourners and their family gather at the gravesite for a ceremony called the Unveiling, the placing of the tombstone. At this event, a grave marker is put into place and the monument is formally dedicated.

Source: shiva.com. (who knew there was such a url?)

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Filed under humor, loss, religion, Time to Cry Tuesdays, Uncategorized

Body Image

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As you may know, I am all about girl power. I have raised a strong daughter and a son who has a healthy respect for women who feel good about themselves. We take pride in feeling good about who we are and blah, blah, blah blah, blah… This post features two women who surely take their ideas of strong body image to new places.

Lovely painting, no? Pretty colors. Interesting textures. Makes you feel sort of warm and happy and optimistic about your day, right? And the best part about this baby is it was painted by boobies.

Ok, sort of an infantile thing to say. But seriously, all I had to do was vow to blog again and that old Magnet For The Absurd kavorka reactivated like you won’t believe. First, I signed onto Facebook today to find this post  about boob painting from Taxi, one of my favorite sites.

Yes, boob painting. Marcey Hawk, a rather well endowed young woman, has chosen to take her two best assets and use them to paint with, taking the idea of body painting to a whole new level. This chick certainly is creative. I won’t get into her different methods here, you can read about them over on that Taxi post. The paintings are actually not bad and some of the world’s most famous bad boys are collectors.

As most of my early mornings are spent with post sharing – some professional, some just entertaining – I shared this one. Little did I know that one of my favorite cybergurls would counterpost me in the comments with one of the more outrageous things I have ever seen. And you know me, I thrive on the outrageous. Not easy to make me both wish I had unseen something and be ever so grateful that she shared it.

This one comes with a warning, it is surely not for the faint of heart. You see, as they used to say when I was in High School… tits are for kids. This, my friends, is a video about Vaginal Knitting.

No you did not read that wrong, this crazy Aussie is a ‘performer craftivist’ who spent 28 days in a gallery knitting from a skein of wool that she inserts in… her hey nanny nanny, so to speak. My favorite quote:

It’s unusual and confining. It’s restrictive, but no, it’s not painful. People push babies out of there, it’s a pretty robust area.

Robust indeed.

Honestly, even if I had not decided to blog again, this one would have taken me out of hibernation.

mfta moment

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Filed under absurdities, art, blogging, body image, crafts, humor