Monthly Archives: September 2009

Technical flu

help-key

Forget about swine, I am suffering from something way worse. I’ve got me a bad case of the technical flu.

Now, I bet you are thinking that I am going to blame this on Mercury being in Retrograde, but oddly enough, I believe that ended yesterday at 9AM. That would be a few short hours before my garage door opener decided to stop working. As abruptly as it stopped, it started again. The 5 hour flu? Maybe.

Then my back up drive decided to freak out and time machine kept giving me error messages. After 2 hours and 3 levels of Apple tech, they deemed the time capsule ‘all messed up’ (I believe that is the tech terminology) and told me to erase the back up disk and start over. Yeh, well, I could have done that myself and saved 2 hours. But they were lovely people (all 3 levels of them) and I always feel a little better when it takes so long for them to figure things out because it validates why I could not do it out myself.

So Cosmic Charlie, or whoever else is messing with my crap, could you leave me be already and go pick on someone who has not been so battered by circumstance in the past few days?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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My true love of AAA

501px-AAA_logo.svg

I have been a AAA member on and off for many years. There is something comforting about knowing that you can have roadside assistance wherever you may be.

Hmmm, define ‘assistance’.

I have never called them before yesterday, and honestly I use the membership more for hotel discounts than anything else. I first called to rescue the keys from the trunk of the car. That went quite well, less than an hour and I was good to go.

Then, as if Mercury in Retrograde had not wreaked enough havoc with my family in the last however much time it has been wreaking, we were faced with an unfortunate blow out.

In the rain.

In the dark.

Again, I pulled out my trusty AAA card and gave them a ring, telling them it is hard to believe but I need their assistance for a second time that evening. A very polite women gets all my info, gives me a code # and sympathizes with my bad day. She was lovely. Everything is fine until…

Husband decides to change the tire.

In the rain(ish).

In the dark.

In a SUIT!

Screaming. Yelling. Name calling. Yadayadayada, I called back AAA and canceled the request. I will spare you the details of the need for a second round of calling and canceling, but you can imagine how angry I was by then. Telling the woman the story she says, “Now Amy, if you run him over with your car you will go to jail for a long time. Just withhold dinner for a few weeks.” I surely thought she would tell me to withhold something else.

After all this I decided  what I think the true definition of ‘assistance’ is:

When you are so angry you are considering spousal homicide, they talk you down.

All kidding aside, I cannot say enough good things about AAA, their service and their helpful and rather funny employees. You guys rock. I also want to thank you for not suspending my membership for too many calls in one day.

I would imagine you must have some kind of cry wolf clause in your contract, no?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Time to (laugh till you) Cry Tuesday

Smoked Salmon Bagel

Jews were not meant to go without food.

It is a simple fact that without caloric intake, and surely caffeine, things can go haywire.

Big time.

Antics. That is the only way to explain the absurdity of the end of my day. Amy antics. To the nth degree.

Keep in mind that the patriarchs in the family are hearing about this for the first time with this blog post, so to my dad and father-in-law, sorry the bagels were not warmed up and really, it was all my fault.

Here goes. And understand that there is no way you could make this stuff up.

I, in my control freak fashion infinite kindness, tried to help my mother-in-law out by picking up the food for break fast and keeping it in my garage fridge so it would not spoil. On cooler days she can keep it on her terrace, but in the name of not wanting rancid smoked fish and egg salad, we offered to keep it here and bring it over to her house at 5 when my husband and the dads went back to closing services for Yom Kippur.

For reasons of logistics I was taking my dad’s car. I loaded the trunk, closed it and realized I had just…

locked the keys in the trunk!

Yeh, well that did not suck much. I was going to run to my parents house (35 minutes away) to get another set of keys when my mother-in-law, in her infinite wisdom suggested AAA. The fact that she was not ready to kill me at this point is truly amazing.

I begged the guy on the phone to get here ASAP telling him how my dad was going to kill me. Then promptly told him how old I was when he replied, “hey, I am 62 and I am still afraid of my mother! She used to chase me with a wooden spoon.” Alrighty, then.

Sure enough they sent a locksmith within in the hour.

My man Andre! Oh, how I loved him. Especially when we found out that the trunk release button did not work unless the key was in the ignition. If you are still with me here, THE KEYS WERE IN THE DAMN TRUNK. He used the little entry to the trunk through the armrest in the back seat and somehow navigated around platters and bagels and kugels to find those keys. And during it all gave some sage-like advice about some higher reason why we should not be where we were supposed to be at that moment and that is why this happened.

Zen locksmith.

And then it started to rain.

Luckily we got there about 15 minutes before the starving temple guys and made a quick effort of getting it all together.

Sorry dad, but don’t worry, the car is fine. Thanks to my mother-in-law for being such a good sport and my mom for staying calm and sharing a good (nervous) laugh through it all.

Moral of the story:

Stay out of it and risk the rancid fish on the terrace.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, family, holidays, humor, Time to Cry Tuesdays

I’d Rather Starve

Actual conversation:

Me: Just wanted to touch base with you because I will be out of the office on Monday for the Jewish Holiday.

Client: I am so jealous.

Me: Yeh, well, we have to starve.

Client: I would rather starve than go to work.

I am pretty sure this person was kidding as I know she loves her job, but it was funny anyway.

For those who are, have an easy fast. For those who aren’t, have a cheeseburger.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Outrageous Emails

We all get them from time to time. Those outrageous emails that either inform you of the millions you can claim from some Nigerian bank or the those that are complete nonsense and sound like a foreigner randomly picked words to string together.

This morning I woke up to one of the best ones I have ever received. I have decided since I am truly the Magnet For the Absurd (MFTA) I am going to brand this sucker. So for now on when you see this logo you will know what to expect.

mfta moment

Here is today’s email:

Subject: Equal had awakened them and his.

Copied to: A2disco@optonline.net (I LOVE this email address)

Message: a black in plain clothes and yellow slippers who was gliding to recognise his style immediately. go ashore; and looked upon the spires, and roofs and smoke, of

That was it, typos and grammatical errors and all. Left me hanging with ‘of’. Of what, for crap sake?! How could this Sonja Bryan (wilsonqupafa47@finessraeder.de) have left me hanging at such a crucial point in the story?

Oh how I long to know what happens to this ‘black in plain clothes and yellow slippers’. Perhaps I will start a new series where we fill in the story where it leaves off.

Any takers? Feel free to continue writing this story in the comments.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, humor, magnet for the absurd

Uranus underwear!

soyunderwear-797191

I kid you not. Thanks to that grand diva of design in the blogosphere, designmom, I am now privy to these skivvies.

These are soy based underwear. Sustainability with a sense of humor, what could be better?

Imagine the founders sitting around naming the line. Can we really call it Uranus? Sure, why not? I mean it does cover your…

Seriously, I am sure this is a lovely product, but I know I am inclined to try it out because the name is so funny. In fact, I could buy these as a gift for oh so many people.

The three things I like best about this product:

1. the word Uranus boldy printed on the waistband

2. the ‘about uranus‘ button on their website.

3. their tagline: help save the planet earth starting with uranus

Yes, I am an infant. But admit that you have laughed through this entire post.

So Uranus babes, let’s see if you pick this post up in your social media monitoring. If you are wondering, I am thinking this big ole butt is probably a large.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Menopause, Mercury in Retrograde and other Mania

Mercury1I can’t sleep. All forms of technology are going wacky. Appliances are on the blink. I feel like I am in groundhogs day. I am hot. I am cold. I am bloated. I am starving. I can’t complete a task, let alone multi-task. The sun is in my eyes. There is a bump in the bowling alley. The dog ate my homework.

I am in a funk (and I am NEVER in a funk!)

Ok, you get the point. Things are just a little amiss these days. I could have written it off to turning 50, menopause (because everything gets blamed on that) or simply cyclical mania which I suppose I can be accused of being prone to. Hell, I could even blame it all on being the Magnet For The Absurd.

But thankfully both Yogamom (2nd shout out to you, babe) and my sister-in-law have pointed out that Mercury is in Retrograde from September 7th till October 18th and that crazy devil, that cosmic trickster, can cause all types of problems. And what, you ask, does this actually mean? Read this from astrology.com:

A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. According to modern science, this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play. Click here for more on the science of retrograde planetary motion.

Huh?

Whatevs. My takeaway on this is simply things will be back to normal on October 18th.

Define normal!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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