Monthly Archives: September 2009

September 30, 2009 · 9:32 pm

Technical flu

help-key

Forget about swine, I am suffering from something way worse. I’ve got me a bad case of the technical flu.

Now, I bet you are thinking that I am going to blame this on Mercury being in Retrograde, but oddly enough, I believe that ended yesterday at 9AM. That would be a few short hours before my garage door opener decided to stop working. As abruptly as it stopped, it started again. The 5 hour flu? Maybe.

Then my back up drive decided to freak out and time machine kept giving me error messages. After 2 hours and 3 levels of Apple tech, they deemed the time capsule ‘all messed up’ (I believe that is the tech terminology) and told me to erase the back up disk and start over. Yeh, well, I could have done that myself and saved 2 hours. But they were lovely people (all 3 levels of them) and I always feel a little better when it takes so long for them to figure things out because it validates why I could not do it out myself.

So Cosmic Charlie, or whoever else is messing with my crap, could you leave me be already and go pick on someone who has not been so battered by circumstance in the past few days?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

: : : : : : : : : : :

My true love of AAA

I have been a AAA member on and off for many years. There is something comforting about knowing that you can have roadside assistance wherever you may be.

Hmmm, define ‘assistance’.

I have never called them before yesterday, and honestly I use the membership more for hotel discounts than anything else. I first called to rescue the keys from the trunk of the car. That went quite well, less than an hour and I was good to go.

Then, as if Mercury in Retrograde had not wreaked enough havoc with my family in the last however much time it has been wreaking, we were faced with an unfortunate blow out.

In the rain.

In the dark.

Again, I pulled out my trusty AAA card and gave them a ring, telling them it is hard to believe but I need their assistance for a second time that evening. A very polite women gets all my info, gives me a code # and sympathizes with my bad day. She was lovely. Everything is fine until…

Husband decides to change the tire.

In the rain(ish).

In the dark.

In a SUIT!

Screaming. Yelling. Name calling. Yadayadayada, I called back AAA and canceled the request. I will spare you the details of the need for a second round of calling and canceling, but you can imagine how angry I was by then. Telling the woman the story she says, “Now Amy, if you run him over with your car you will go to jail for a long time. Just withhold dinner for a few weeks.” I surely thought she would tell me to withhold something else.

After all this I decided what I think the true definition of ‘assistance’ is:

When you are so angry you are considering spousal homicide, they talk you down.

All kidding aside, I cannot say enough good things about AAA, their service and their helpful and rather funny employees. You guys rock. I also want to thank you for not suspending my membership for too many calls in one day.

I would imagine you must have some kind of cry wolf clause in your contract, no?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

: : : : : : : : : : :

6 Comments

Filed under absurdities, conversations, humor

Tagged as AAA, automobile club of america, blow out, change a tire, flat tire, how do you change a tire?

September 29, 2009 · 12:27 am

Time to (laugh till you) Cry Tuesday

Smoked Salmon Bagel

Jews were not meant to go without food.

It is a simple fact that without caloric intake, and surely caffeine, things can go haywire.

Big time.

Antics. That is the only way to explain the absurdity of the end of my day. Amy antics. To the nth degree.

Keep in mind that the patriarchs in the family are hearing about this for the first time with this blog post, so to my dad and father-in-law, sorry the bagels were not warmed up and really, it was all my fault.

Here goes. And understand that there is no way you could make this stuff up.

I, in my control freak fashion infinite kindness, tried to help my mother-in-law out by picking up the food for break fast and keeping it in my garage fridge so it would not spoil. On cooler days she can keep it on her terrace, but in the name of not wanting rancid smoked fish and egg salad, we offered to keep it here and bring it over to her house at 5 when my husband and the dads went back to closing services for Yom Kippur.

For reasons of logistics I was taking my dad’s car. I loaded the trunk, closed it and realized I had just…

locked the keys in the trunk!

Yeh, well that did not suck much. I was going to run to my parents house (35 minutes away) to get another set of keys when my mother-in-law, in her infinite wisdom suggested AAA. The fact that she was not ready to kill me at this point is truly amazing.

I begged the guy on the phone to get here ASAP telling him how my dad was going to kill me. Then promptly told him how old I was when he replied, “hey, I am 62 and I am still afraid of my mother! She used to chase me with a wooden spoon.” Alrighty, then.

Sure enough they sent a locksmith within in the hour.

My man Andre! Oh, how I loved him. Especially when we found out that the trunk release button did not work unless the key was in the ignition. If you are still with me here, THE KEYS WERE IN THE DAMN TRUNK. He used the little entry to the trunk through the armrest in the back seat and somehow navigated around platters and bagels and kugels to find those keys. And during it all gave some sage-like advice about some higher reason why we should not be where we were supposed to be at that moment and that is why this happened.

Zen locksmith.

And then it started to rain.

Luckily we got there about 15 minutes before the starving temple guys and made a quick effort of getting it all together.

Sorry dad, but don’t worry, the car is fine. Thanks to my mother-in-law for being such a good sport and my mom for staying calm and sharing a good (nervous) laugh through it all.

Moral of the story:

Stay out of it and risk the rancid fish on the terrace.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

: : : : : : : : : : :

5 Comments

Filed under absurdities, family, holidays, humor, Time to Cry Tuesdays

Tagged as AAA, break fast, fasting, humor, stories, yom kippur

September 27, 2009 · 9:52 pm

I’d Rather Starve

Actual conversation:

Me: Just wanted to touch base with you because I will be out of the office on Monday for the Jewish Holiday.

Client: I am so jealous.

Me: Yeh, well, we have to starve.

Client: I would rather starve than go to work.

I am pretty sure this person was kidding as I know she loves her job, but it was funny anyway.

For those who are, have an easy fast. For those who aren’t, have a cheeseburger.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

: : : : : : : : : : :

1 Comment

Filed under conversations, holidays, work, work habits

Tagged as Jewish High Holy Days, jewish holidays, work, yom kippur

September 26, 2009 · 9:55 pm

Outrageous Emails

We all get them from time to time. Those outrageous emails that either inform you of the millions you can claim from some Nigerian bank or the those that are complete nonsense and sound like a foreigner randomly picked words to string together.

This morning I woke up to one of the best ones I have ever received. I have decided since I am truly the Magnet For the Absurd (MFTA) I am going to brand this sucker. So for now on when you see this logo you will know what to expect.

mfta moment

Here is today’s email:

Subject: Equal had awakened them and his.

Copied to: A2disco@optonline.net (I LOVE this email address)

Message: a black in plain clothes and yellow slippers who was gliding to recognise his style immediately. go ashore; and looked upon the spires, and roofs and smoke, of

That was it, typos and grammatical errors and all. Left me hanging with ‘of’. Of what, for crap sake?! How could this Sonja Bryan (wilsonqupafa47@finessraeder.de) have left me hanging at such a crucial point in the story?

Oh how I long to know what happens to this ‘black in plain clothes and yellow slippers’. Perhaps I will start a new series where we fill in the story where it leaves off.

Any takers? Feel free to continue writing this story in the comments.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

: : : : : : : : : : :

3 Comments

Filed under absurdities, humor, magnet for the absurd

Tagged as emails, magnet for the absurd, mfta, outrageous emails, spam

September 25, 2009 · 11:13 pm

Uranus underwear!

soyunderwear-797191

I kid you not. Thanks to that grand diva of design in the blogosphere, designmom, I am now privy to these skivvies.

These are soy based underwear. Sustainability with a sense of humor, what could be better?

Imagine the founders sitting around naming the line. Can we really call it Uranus? Sure, why not? I mean it does cover your…

Seriously, I am sure this is a lovely product, but I know I am inclined to try it out because the name is so funny. In fact, I could buy these as a gift for oh so many people.

The three things I like best about this product:

1. the word Uranus boldy printed on the waistband

2. the ‘about uranus‘ button on their website.

3. their tagline: help save the planet earth starting with uranus

Yes, I am an infant. But admit that you have laughed through this entire post.

So Uranus babes, let’s see if you pick this post up in your social media monitoring. If you are wondering, I am thinking this big ole butt is probably a large.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

: : : : : : : : : : :

2 Comments

Filed under absurdities, products

Tagged as designmom, products, soy products, soy underwear, sustainability, uranus, uranus underwear

September 24, 2009 · 10:35 pm

Menopause, Mercury in Retrograde and other Mania

Mercury1 I can’t sleep. All forms of technology are going wacky. Appliances are on the blink. I feel like I am in groundhogs day. I am hot. I am cold. I am bloated. I am starving. I can’t complete a task, let alone multi-task. The sun is in my eyes. There is a bump in the bowling alley. The dog ate my homework.

I am in a funk (and I am NEVER in a funk!)

Ok, you get the point. Things are just a little amiss these days. I could have written it off to turning 50, menopause (because everything gets blamed on that) or simply cyclical mania which I suppose I can be accused of being prone to. Hell, I could even blame it all on being the Magnet For The Absurd.

But thankfully both Yogamom (2nd shout out to you, babe) and my sister-in-law have pointed out that Mercury is in Retrograde from September 7th till October 18th and that crazy devil, that cosmic trickster, can cause all types of problems. And what, you ask, does this actually mean? Read this from astrology.com:

A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. According to modern science, this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play. Click here for more on the science of retrograde planetary motion.

Huh?

Whatevs. My takeaway on this is simply things will be back to normal on October 18th.

Define normal!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

: : : : : : : : : : :

9 Comments

Filed under absurdities, humor

Tagged as astrology, mania, menopause, mercury, mercury in retrograde

September 23, 2009 · 5:37 pm

Long Guyland, New Yawk

Picture - Map of Long Island - Nov 1, 2008_0

For those who do not live in these parts, that is the way people tawk heah.

Well, not all of us, but I suppose many. If you are a New Yorker you can tell the subtle difference between the Brooklyn dialect and that of say, Joisey. If not, we all sound the same to you. It is even more apparent when you were raised here and then move away. My brother gets a big kick out of hearing the old NY-speak.

I bring this up today because I have encountered a particularly classic brand of the Long Guyland accent this week. As I posted earlier, I am a Jury Duty phone alternate this week. Every night, after 5, I have to call in to see if I am required to show up the next day. Yes, this is very convenient… NOT!

Anyway, when I called in the second night and every night since, the man on the recording had the most classic form of the Long Island accent. The first time I actually laughed out loud and then proceeded to leave his accent as my Facebook status. It had such a warm reception there I thought I would bring it over to the blog and share it with all of you. Here is what he said:

“This is the Nassaw County Jurah notification system. You must locate yaw jurah numbah located on paht A of yaw jurah caud. Yaw numbah stahts with the lettah aw.”

Let me translate that for you:

“This is the Nassau County Juror notification system. You must locate your juror number located on part A of your juror card. Your number starts with the letter R.”

Hey, there’s no place like home.

This reminds me of an ad campaign I did in a High School art class…

Long Island, more than just an accent!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

: : : : : : : : : : :

5 Comments

Filed under humor, New York, New York City, places of interest

Tagged as accents, dialect, humor, jury duty, long guyland, long island, new yawk, New York

September 22, 2009 · 7:35 pm

Bandals or Soots?

I just don’t know what to make of this style.

Are these bandals or soots?

Neither really works for me. Sometimes you can get away with a combo name. Like the skort, for instance. That was big back in the seventies. That shorts/skirt combo. The new word just worked. These simply don’t cut it.

Nor does the style in my book. Seriously, did she buy these because she truly loved them or because she was a slave to fashion?

Or would that be a gladiator?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

: : : : : : : : : : :

3 Comments

Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, fashion, photography

Tagged as boots, fashion, sandals, skort, slave to fashion, words

September 21, 2009 · 10:06 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Hit Send

We are here. Where, you ask?

Here!

On the other side of ‘send’.

And with that simple click of the mouse, Danny – the baby – has submitted his first college app.

Too melodramatic, you say. Hmmm, well I say you are all too vocal tonight. How do you like that?

Tonight, as we were watching promos for ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ – the movie adaptation of one of our favorite books from his childhood – that crazy app went soaring through the interwebs and officially turned my little boy into a college applicant.

‘It roared its terrible roar and gnashed its terrible teeth’ and transformed ‘that little boy who made mischief of one kind…

and another…’

into a man(ish)-type person.

Never in the history of ‘send’ has such a small gesture meant so much. (ok, I agree I AM leaning heavy on the melodrama pedal here). But there is something both exciting and petrifying about the idea of this process beginning.

First kid launched? Of course that was monumental. Second kid off? That means all sorts of things. Yes, even more than looking for that special cat food parmesan recipe because we are paying for two kids at the same time.

It means sad things like the end of an era. But it means exciting things too. Like having actually survived custodial child-rearing (with minimal scars). And not having to travel during school vacations.

So here’s to ‘send’. May it bring to my boy all he dreams of and send him where his new life will begin.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

: : : : : : : : : : :

3 Comments

Filed under college, college applications, danny, education, family, teenagers, Time to Cry Tuesdays

Tagged as college, college applications, parenting, send button, teens, where the wild things are

Monthly Archives: September 2009

Technical flu

My true love of AAA

Time to (laugh till you) Cry Tuesday

I’d Rather Starve

Outrageous Emails

Uranus underwear!

Menopause, Mercury in Retrograde and other Mania

Long Guyland, New Yawk

Bandals or Soots?

Time to Cry Tuesday – Hit Send

Email Subscription

Search Categories

Search by keyword

Archives

technorati

More links

Blog Catalog Member

Her Blog Directory

networked blogs

Monthly Archives: September 2009

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Email Subscription

Search Categories

Search by keyword

Archives

technorati

More links

Blog Catalog Member

Her Blog Directory

networked blogs