Tag Archives: humor

Hanky Panky on the Tennis Court

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It has been a while since I have been here, but this story just begged to be a blog post, so here I am. Yeh, I missed you guys too.

This is a spin on the age old advice that every mom gives their daughter and every daughter rolls their eyes at:

Make sure you wear nice underwear, you never know when you are going to get into an accident.

Seriously? What kind of advice is this? And if you are in a car accident, is your underwear really your biggest problem?

I guess this stuck with me, and quite honestly I doubt my mom ever said this herself. I always make sure I am wearing nice underwear and I happen to love Hanky Panky thongs.  Especially the black ones.

There. it is out. Now everyone knows. Not just the guys my husband plays tennis with…

Scenario: 

Husband is playing in his regular Saturday game. He is in a little bit of a crouch [not crotch] and feels something odd in his shorts. He reaches in and pulls out… you guessed it. A lovely pair of black original-rise Hanky Pankys stuck inside his shorts from the static gods. He holds them up. Everyone gives him that look like, shit I hope those belong to your wife. Or maybe it was more like, what happens on the tennis court stays on the tennis court.

The worst part is that he couldn’t ‘seem to remember’ who was on the court at the time.

I am sure I will find out soon enough.

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Filed under humor, moms

Inside out signage

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This sign hangs in the window of a restaurant in town. From the outside, it reads ‘Organico’.

From the inside… anyone see what I saw?

As I was taking this shot I said to Gary, ‘Hey, doesn’t this sign look like a penis with…”

And he finished my sentence “… one dropped ball?”

At which point the waiter – who I did not realize was standing behind me – said, “You are not the first person to notice that.”

Must be a full peninsula of Magnets for the Absurd.

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Time to Cry Tuesday – Control

Unexpected-ThingsI saw this quote on Facebook, only to find out that it was plagiarized from Queen of Your Own Life. I made it a point to find the original graphic. 

Today is a reminder of the fact that out of nowhere life can change on a dime and you have only two choices – get through it or let it it do you in.

Action… reaction. That certainly ties up control in a neat little box.

Courage. Humor. Grace.

Indeed.

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To my kids on mother’s day

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This day is a tough one for me, and you guys too. But as a friend told me yesterday, ‘now we are ‘the moms’, so I am trying my very hardest to make today about what we have, not what we have lost. We all know that is what she would have wanted. And we all know she is here.

So, here goes.

I could write all the cliché things about motherhood and you could both roll your eyes about what a sap I am and laugh at how I cry at Applebee’s commercials. But I think after all these years you fully understand the way I feel about being your mom. Instead, please indulge me with ‘the list’ you have heard ad nauseam your entire lives:

Avoid drama.

Don’t be an asshole.

Misery gives happiness context.

The fork goes on the left!

Keep your eye on your own ball.

NEVER blow your nose at the table.

Put the seat down.

But we ARE rich.

No means no. Maybe usually means I am playing it out till it fizzles. Yes is always well thought out.

Bathroom humor is not only acceptable, it is encouraged.

You NEVER know what will come out of my mouth but it has hardened you to deal with any situation.

There is nothing like a good cry and an even better laugh.

Be all you can be (and be careful).

Singing Kung Fu Fighting is, in fact, the best way to start a morning.

Whatever it is, call me first. I am the most likely candidate for getting you out of it whole. (with the help of AlNel if necessary)

LU2.

I love you more…

and always will.

Thanks for growing up to be the amazing people you are, the ones I want to be with the most. Thanks for flipping the parenting roles when you see me driving myself off a cliff, for learning how to truly love with your whole hearts, and for tolerating this crazy woman with such grace.

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Insomnia Questions

insomniaquestionsI can’t stay asleep. I have a sinus infection with laryngitis.

ME. With laryngitis.

Do the math on that one!

You know the drill on sleeping with this stuff. You pass out and then you snore or hack yourself awake, leaving sleep a thing of the past. I usually read when I wake up, but the combination of my cement head and the fact that my snoring has sent Gary running for the hills (or Jana’s room) for a good night sleep, have led me to late night TV. It beats ruminating in the middle of the night – my other favorite insomniac pastime (don’t believe anything you think about in the middle of the night).

For your reading pleasure, here is a list of what is on in the middle of the night:

Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars (Get naked, get truly naked)

Little Women: LA (yes this is about midgets and yes I know that term is horrifyingly not PC… blame the illness)

Mob Wives: The Antisocial Network (and I quote: “She has cancer… she’s stage fucking 4! I don’t want nothing from this rat bitch) Note to self: start using the term ‘rat bitch’.

Hardcore Pawn (one of my all-time faves)

There are countless otherworld shows: American Supernatural, The Haunting in Connecticut and Trance, which is a lively show where they hypnotize people and interview them. Who wouldn’t love that?

But the one that was truly like watching the accident was… drumroll please:

My 600 Lb. Life. WTF?! This is a reality show about the morbidly obese. I could not change the channel. That is not until I witnessed a visiting nurse lifting an enormous fat flap of a bed ridden mom on oxygen in a hospital bed in her living room who had just sent her enabling spouse out grocery shopping. She was treating a cellulitis wound caused by fat folds! And they zoomed in. This is just not right for me to witness. The mom’s goal was to get out of bed in time to trick or treat with her son. I can’t even!

I think I need to start the hashtag #insomniaquestions. At the very least I should start a column called MFTATV. (Magnet for the Aburd Television)

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to watch back to back reruns of Will and Grace and Sex in the City.

mfta approved

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The Blizzard and the Bread Shelves

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photo credit: brownpau flickr

Sitting in my warm house (so far), we are hunkering down for what the media has whipped us all in a frenzy about: Winter Storm Juno.

Preying on the PTSD of a still Sandy-shocked population, they have had a field day with this one, and the supermarkets were evidence of that. I will share two observations and then I am off to start some serious drinking.

First, the empty bread shelves in the supermarket. I live in an area where more people are living a gluten-free, carb-free life than I care to think about. Why then, are the bread shelves in the supermarket close to empty. I predict there is going to be a lot of closet gluten-rich activity going on out there through this storm, no? Oy, the inflammation!

Second, is the insane desire to make sure one has eggs, bread and milk in the house at all times. What is this? Is there a direct correlation between a pending storm and the need to eat french toast?

As my dear friend Joanne pointed out just around the time that she talked me off the ledge about my Snow Warrior husband having left too late and being caught on the road forever, this is a misguided list. There are, in fact, 3 things that one must have in a storm, but they are not eggs, bread and milk… they are wine, toilet paper and coffee.

Indeed.

Stay safe everyone, and I will see you on the other side. Hopefully with power.

 

 

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Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, humor, New York, New York City, shopping

Donkeys are the new goats

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I want to preface this with the fact that I live in a suburban area known as the North Shore of Long Island. That would be the Nawth Shaw of Long Guyland if you buy into that whole stereotypical dialect thing.

I do not.

This magazine was at the checkout of our local Whole Foods. Modern Farmer? Really? Talk about missing the demographic! There are no farmers in this ‘hood – modern or otherwise. The only thing better than this close-up shot would have been one with a woman dressed to the nines in front of the magazine rack. Keep in mind this particular Whole Foods is across the street from The Miracle Mile, a Rodeo Drive style shopping area.

You’ve heard the expression, “It goes together like donkeys and Manolo Blahniks, right? Of course, everyone has.

At first I thought this was an Onion type magazine. With that Headline: Donkeys, the new goats. And the Redonkulous seal (with an excellent use of hyphenation)

Other wonderful headlines that are a bit more relatable for this zip code:

  • Pot Farming Goes Big
  • How to Grow a Winter Garden (was this the follow-up to the Pot Farming article?)
  • Drink Bitter Booze (while you are Pot Farming?)

I cannot, for the life of me, explain why I did not pick up a copy of this publication. I would like to point out that if you visit their website there is currently an article titled, New Year’s Resolution: Eat More Squirrel in 2015. Yep, that was definitely on my list this year! You?

I quote:

“Locavores, listen up: if you want to eat non-GMO, antiobiotic- and hormone-free, lean, free range, local, healthy meat, you need to look up. Limb chicken, as squirrels are affectionately known in many hunting circles, is arguably better than grassfed beef or organic pork when it comes to planetary health.”

Affectionately, indeed. Limb chicken… I can’t.

And you are in luck, there is a recipe at the end of the article. (no I am not making this up)

I can’t wait for the spring issue!

(FYI, yes, I am pretty sure I am back)

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