Tag Archives: mothers day

Mothers Day – Your kids will be fine

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And so will you.

(this post is dedicated to a colleague who knows who she is and is just learning this dance)

Having made it to the other side of parenting, now hanging with the 2 best adults I know, I wanted to say thank you to both of them for tolerating this lunatic and still turning out great. Someone wise once told me, “your kids will be fine”. In the throws of working full time (and then some), caring for pets and parents, and trying to be a good human, I sometimes wonder how they survived.

But they did. In spite of me.

I thought this would be a good time to do another famous list and look back on the ways I messed up and they still turned out fine. And loved me anyway.

  1. Anything involving the smoke alarm and our first dog who would shake from it.
  2. Ironing the graduation gown and almost melting it.
  3. Being the carpool mom that once in awhile forgot the other kid.
  4. Backing up full force out of the driveway and hitting my brother’s car broadside… with a car full of teenage girls. (sorry Keith)
  5. Singing in the morning when you just wanted to be left alone.
  6. Locking us out of the house in a black out.
  7. Losing the concert tickets in the jungle of my hard drive for a show I don’t remember but one that was REALLY important.
  8. Surprise back surgery into a slip and fall geezer-like incident at the worst moment ever. (really sorry about this one, guys, I know how hard that was for you)
  9. Initiating completely inappropriate family discussions that now that they look back are probably the best thing I ever did… nothing shocks them now.
  10. Taking a while to figure out you did not want me to solve it, you just wanted to bitch.

Goes to show, no matter what we do, if we love them unconditionally, they just might do the same thing back.

Happy Mothers Day, kids. Thanks for tolerating.

 

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To my kids on mother’s day

picstitch

This day is a tough one for me, and you guys too. But as a friend told me yesterday, ‘now we are ‘the moms’, so I am trying my very hardest to make today about what we have, not what we have lost. We all know that is what she would have wanted. And we all know she is here.

So, here goes.

I could write all the cliché things about motherhood and you could both roll your eyes about what a sap I am and laugh at how I cry at Applebee’s commercials. But I think after all these years you fully understand the way I feel about being your mom. Instead, please indulge me with ‘the list’ you have heard ad nauseam your entire lives:

Avoid drama.

Don’t be an asshole.

Misery gives happiness context.

The fork goes on the left!

Keep your eye on your own ball.

NEVER blow your nose at the table.

Put the seat down.

But we ARE rich.

No means no. Maybe usually means I am playing it out till it fizzles. Yes is always well thought out.

Bathroom humor is not only acceptable, it is encouraged.

You NEVER know what will come out of my mouth but it has hardened you to deal with any situation.

There is nothing like a good cry and an even better laugh.

Be all you can be (and be careful).

Singing Kung Fu Fighting is, in fact, the best way to start a morning.

Whatever it is, call me first. I am the most likely candidate for getting you out of it whole. (with the help of AlNel if necessary)

LU2.

I love you more…

and always will.

Thanks for growing up to be the amazing people you are, the ones I want to be with the most. Thanks for flipping the parenting roles when you see me driving myself off a cliff, for learning how to truly love with your whole hearts, and for tolerating this crazy woman with such grace.

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Mothers of the Year – Tanorexic Mom and Pink Bikini Hooker Mom

Oh, how proud I am to live in the Northeast these days. We are blessed with two fabulous mother role models  just in time for Mother’s Day. How inspiring.

Some of you moms out there are worrying about your parenting skills. My friend Michelle Lamar has been writing about raising teens on Huff Po this week and lamenting about whether or not she is making sound choices. Have no fear, Michelle, these two beauties will make you feel much better.

Julio Cortez/AP Photos

Tanorexic mom? That would be the name of the new action figure doll from herobuilder.com that is modeled after the woman from Jersey who got all sorts of attention for obsessive tanning. The story started with an accusation of taking her little one into a tanning booth with her, but the media became so enthralled with her that she hit SNL this past weekend with a sketch that had me in tears. (I loved the toast part… I am such an infant)

Fox News

Then there is Pink Bikini Hot Dog Hooker Mom (name just rolls right off the tongue, doesn’t it?) This morning as I poured my first cup of joe I was assaulted with the image of this lunatic. And, scary but true, she lives not far from where I grew up. As she told us so wisely, “Stripping and prostitution are 2 different things.” Ok, hon, so where does lap dancing fall? Better yet, where does lap dancing after luring the guys to your hot dog truck in a pink bikini. Talk about self esteem… I wish I could see what this chick sees when she looks in the mirror. I simply loved her closing statement on the news, “Come to Sunrise Highway in Baldwin tomorrow and I will have on my pink bikini and we’ll take a picture by the hot dawg truck.”

What’s the shot I can convince Gary that the best Mother’s Day gift he can give me would be a picture of him with this lunatic?

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Hot Flash Cool Down Necklace

Ok this one is a first. Yesterday I received an email hawking a necklace that claims to cool down your hot flashes. I love the site that was giving it away so this is by no means a dis to them or their promotion. In fact, this item must be doing really well because they have sold over 5,000 of them and have been featured on all sorts of mainstream media. But for blog humor purposes –  and what else really matters – I could not resist.

If you have ever had a hot flash, or slept next to one,  it sort of sounds like a good idea. What a lovely Mother’s Day gift. “Here honey, I bought you some jewelry”. She gets all, ‘oh what a sweet guy, I love you so much’ on you until she opens the box and sees you have purchased a hot flash necklace with the condescending name of – get this, ‘Hot Girls Pearls‘.

Ummmm, not the kind of hot girl this crazy meno-mama wants to be called. Just a tip guys, when she opens the box, you might want to duck out of the way when she throws these at you. They look like they might hurt on impact. I am thinking a good solid black eye could occur if her aim is good.

Please, no disrespect to the inventor of these babies. They could be very effective and lord knows we are looking for a way to cool down. But seriously, who really wants to wear a necklace modeled after the one that Wilma Flintstone wore.

Just saying.

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Happy Mother’s Day

For the first time in 22 years, I will be spending Mother’s Day without at least one of my kids. It is so very weird to write that… I don’t even know what to do with it. When they were little I used to ask for the morning to myself to plant flowers. Be careful what you wish for.

Since we cannot be together till next weekend I will do a little reflecting on what it has meant to me to be a mother. I was trained by the master… so a great big fat Happy Mother’s Day to my mom and of course to my mother-in-law as well.

Since I cannot be with my kids I decided to send them a random list of mom thoughts so that I feel like they are here. When they wake up (around 2PM) you will probably hear a collective ‘Awwww, mom’ from the Midwest.

1. Just when you both started to learn how to sleep late, I lost the ability to do so. So when I make too much noise in the morning when you are home, don’t think it is by accident. I do take more than a little bit of pleasure in the payback.

2. Although the house is very much in order when you are not here,  I would trade that for a hallway full of big sneakers and a kitchen full of bakers in a heartbeat.

3. A reminder that as your mother I feel obliged to tell you that although you are sure it is, Funfetti is NOT a flavor.

4. No, you may never consider calling the dog mommy (even when Daddy tells you it is ok – actually, especially at that time)

5. Danny, this may be hard to believe but I would sort of kill to be on the soccer field at 8:00 tomorrow, even if it is in Ronkonkoma. After so many years of complaining that there was no respect for family time by the soccer league, I realize that WAS family time!

6. Jana, don’t ever stop taking pictures on your phone and sending them to me. Even when you were on the other side of the world you always made me feel like I was right there with you.

7. Always remember when you see one of THOSE sunsets to say the words ‘sky blue pink’ to yourself and know that no matter where I am… I am with you.

8. Remember that nothing is ever too bad that you can’t tell me and no matter how much trouble you get into, chances are you will have a better shot of getting out if you call me first (with the help of Alan, of course, if it’s really bad).

9. If you think the milk is spoiled… it is. And don’t ask someone else to taste it, that’s mean.

10. I hope you both know that the single best thing I have done in my life was to become a mother. And that if I were given the chance to write down the qualities that I hoped my kids would have grown up to possess, it could never match the people you have become. I love you both so much it hurts.

Happy Mother’s Day to all!

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Filed under danny, family, holidays, Jana

Cat Hairball Jewelry… file this under Ewwwww!

I kid you not on this one. Thanks to my fabulous friend Tony O, I now know about jewelry made from the fur that your cat sheds. Today he linked to this post on ecouterre. The long and short (hair) of it is that Kate Benjamin of Moderncat  felt the need to mark the celebration of National Hairball Awareness Day (who makes these awareness days up, anyway?) and commissioned the wildly talented jewelry designer and friend, Heidi Abramason to make her some pretty cool looking stuff from… you guessed it, her cat’s hairballs.

Ok… Ewwww.

In case you did not read this post, I wrote about someone who made jewelry out of human hair so I guess this is not so far-fetched. (how does this stuff find me?)

Wait, can we get back to National Hairball Awareness Day? Is there a reason we need to be made aware of hairballs? Are they not glaringly obvious to cat owners and who the hell cares to the rest of us?

And the cat in this picture? Anyone else getting a major heebie jeebie from this kitty?

Just a tip, don’t buy me this jewelry for Mother’s Day if you were running out to do so… very allergic to cats. Oh, and vile things too. Those I am highly allergic to.

But for all you cat people out there (and you know who you are)… Heidi takes commissions.

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Filed under animals, humor, magnet for the absurd

All I Want for Mother’s Day is a New Spatula

The scene: Friday morning, making Danny’s lunch (yes I still make him lunch and my days are numbered with this so get off my case)

The Dog: decides to puke up her entire breakfast in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Me: Gary, can you clean up the dog puke please.

Gary: Sure (as he grabs the above spatula, scoops it into a paper towel and tosses it very efficiently).

Now, let me confess that I did not really process this at all until a bit later in the day when I was texting with Jana and told her and she was appalled.

Then she informed me her friends were all equally appalled.

Then I told her Gary wanted to make her an omelette when she gets home from Europe. (I can be a pot stirrer at times)

Then I mentioned it on the lacrosse field and EVERYONE was appalled. In fact one friend said she would never come over for breakfast while another said she was not sure she would ever come over at all.

But the best of all is when Danny came over and we told him.

And he almost gagged because he had just used that spatula to make himself breakfast.

Hey, don’t be so disgusted, it had gone through the dishwasher!

Hey, Happy Mother’s Day everyone.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under danny, family, gary, humor, Jana