Monthly Archives: September 2008

Top Ten Search Terms (vol. 3)

Before I get into the search terms I want to let you know that the Jana shoelace poll has consistently shown that yellow is in the lead. We are at 59% to 41% to date. Voting is still open if you want to have your voice heard in this very important election.

Welcome to the third monthly installment of Top Ten Search Terms. For those who missed the last two you can read Vol. 1 here and Vol 2. here. As before, I have compiled a list of my 10 favorite (actual) search terms that viewers have entered to arrive at this blog. Some make sense, others quite frankly scare me. What makes people keyword such offbeat phrases? You can click on the terms and they will lead you to the posts that I think were found. For you email subsribers you will have to go to the page of the blog to use this function.

10. jews in jeeps yeh, we jews LOVE to drive jeeps.

9. dog crying for dead dog on street  oh my, this is way too sad. i am thinking that most dogs have the time to cry. think about it, what the heck does your dog do all day anyway?

8. fibroids spanx hmm… how did this person know that I had fibroids (wait, this might have been in my menopause post). to tell the truth they have had nothing to do with my need to wear spanx.

7. obama ad exploding dog c’mon! did any of you see this ad. why would anyone (candidate or otherwise) want to blow up a dog?

6. ive been slimed lab is this like sperm donors and pharma research programs where they pay you to come in for the afternoon and get slimed in a lab. even for the sake of research I am not sure if I would want to voluntarily be slimed.

5. people sandwich one comment only here: Soylent Green is people! (Jana, pass this one on to the campies)

4. second hand thong umm… EW! nuff said here.

3. man-boy slaves  oy, that is way concerning. so much for transparency in my blog. now i have to worry about some perverts looking for my kid.

2. thong long hair big boobs yeh, well duh. that is what every friggin’ human with a penis is searching for 24 hours a day on the internet. I guess this blog was a disappointing find for this group. maybe they should have searched ‘thong, longish hair, 49-year-old boobs wise ass with a big mouth.

1. photos of men wearing tampons wait, there are actually many photos of men wearing tampons out there? ew, wait again. where are they wearing them? 

I hope you enjoyed this months list. Makes you want to keep reading, doesn’t it?

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Filed under blogging, humor, top ten lists

Time to Cry Tuesday: Keeping the Faith

For those of you who are Jewish, L’shana Tovah. For those of you who are not, that translates into: don’t forget to take a Pepcid before you start your holiday meal and don’t worry you should never be forced to eat gefilte fish if it grosses you out. Oh, and of course it is the day that every mother of a boy scrambles from friend to friend trying to find a pair of pants that are not up to their teenage son’s ankles.

Just kidding, this is how we wish each other a happy new year. Rosh Hashanah, which began at sundown Monday night, is the Jewish New Year. I always thought it was kind of cool to start a holiday at sundown. And it makes for such great traffic stress on the Long Island Expressway, doesn’t it?

All kidding aside, in the midst of all the turmoil our country has found itself in these days, it is a wonder anyone can still keep the faith. Whatever your religion, if you take comfort in the rituals it surely helps to ease the anxiety of the times.

I am not a particularly religious person, but I am one that holds strong to my heritage and the traditions that are tied to it. To me, religion is about family and friends. And I try my best to keep the faith against all odds. 

The fact that I can set a table and know that both my parents AND both my in-laws will be sitting down to a holiday meal with us is truly a blessing. Don’t get me wrong, we are all crazy in our own ways and that surely makes for some lively discussion, but how many teenagers can say that they have 4 living grandparents? Not many. Over the past few years we have had some holidays with one or another family member sadly absent from the table and hospitalized for a host of reasons. Thankfully this is not one of those years.

As a kid, going to services was torture for me. I am sure my kids feel that way today. Although I wonder now that Jana is so far away if she would not secretly rather be in the building. Ok, maybe just at the table for the home cooked meal is more realistic, but maybe not. Both kids are so comfortable there.

Now when I walk into the synagogue I am taken by the power of sitting within the community that I raised my children. This is the building where we have celebrated happy times and grieved sad ones, where the kids went to pre-school, became b’nai mitzvah. I see the all the faces and through them gauge the time I have spent here. I feel very fortunate to live in a place where people care so deeply for one another.

These have been wonderful years. I have made friendships that I could not think of living without. People who have seen me through my darkest days and who understood my warped ways and love me anyway.

With all my talk of the need to leave the zip code, when it comes down to it…

there’s no place like home.

(toto/mel, i don’t think we are in kansas anymore…)

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Filed under family, religion, Time to Cry Tuesdays

The Albert Einstein Action Figure

This could be, hands down, the best purchase I have made…EVER.

I was in a computer store on a very long line and they had all sorts of impulse buy items as you snaked through the aisle to the register.

And there, between the coffee molecule t-shirts and the mini travel toolkit was this! An Albert Einstein action figure. How could this be, I asked. What product manager would conceive of such a thing. And what is he holding in his hand? A piece of chalk? Perhaps he is ever ready to scribble a formula whenever the mood hits.

Of course I bought two, one to pose and put in ridiculous contextual photos (yes, you will be subjected to these from time to time) and one to keep in the original package in case he ever becomes a collector’s ite. Delusional? Maybe. But was the inventor of this item not a little delusional too?

I showed this to a friend and he asked me why I did not buy the Thomas Edison one. 

I could not help but Google for a series. Not the same style or manufacturer but I did find full sets of both Geniuses and the ever popular Revolutionaries.

Who could possibly resist owning one set that includes Lenin, Gandhi, Che, Malcom X (does he really match the caliber of the others) and Mao?

Hey mom, I gotta get me some Mao…now!

These may not be posable action figures, but I am pretty they have all seen a lot of action in their day.


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Filed under humor, humor, trends

The hand dryer that can blow your mind

We were out to dinner tonight (it seems like I eat out a lot lately, doesn’t it?). I went to the bathroom and there, next to the sink was the most incredible thing. 

The Dyson Airblade hand dryer. 

You know that guy from the vacuum commercials who makes you think that he is always inventing a better way to suck stuff up and makes you feel really ignorant for having that stupid 10-year-old Miele when you have a dog that sheds?

Oops, off on another noise-in-my-head tangent, sorry about that. So this guy designed what has to be the most incredible hand dryer. You stick your hands in and it looks like it is going to rip the skin right off them. Of course the crazy friends that I was with decided we should try to take pictures of one of us putting our face in there to see if we could simulate the look of a face lift. 

Unfortunately the space was too narrow and she could only insert her hands.

When we got back to the table the guys asked us what we were doing. Um, well there is this really cool dryer and, well, we thought it would be funny if…

never mind.

They seemed to know all about the dryer, so we asked if they had ever tried to put other body parts in there.

Hey, talk about a blow job. 

(sorry Jana – I know – ‘ew mom!’)

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Filed under absurdities, friendship, humor, humor, Uncategorized

And the chairs go up on the tables by 10

There are many advantages to living in the suburbs. It is a wonderful place to raise a family, you can have a garden, it is safe and clean.

But there is one thing about living here that I have never gotten used to. We eat late at home. And when we go out we like to linger. Sadly, the restaurants clear out by 10PM. On the weekends maybe you can stretch it to 10:30. And then the staff starts to get restless. In an awkward and uncomfortable sort of way. ‘Um waiter, could you not put on you coat just yet? If you hadn’t noticed, we are still dining here!’

This happens to the First Thursdays all the time. Many times we have watched as they put the chairs up on the tables around us. It drives me nuts.

Last night we reached new depths of being the last ones out. First we watched as the wait staff paraded past us carrying piles of table linens into the kitchen. I felt like it was laundry day at camp. Something tells me that the Culinary Institute does not teach this as part of their curriculum on customer relations. 

Then, the valet parking guy came in and starting handing out keys. I am not sure if this has every happened before, but it was surely not all that endearing.

I have good friends who are chefs. I don’t remember this every going on in their restaurants. Even the suburban ones. Jeff, you never did this, did you?

What next, are they going to shut the lights? Come to think of it, they might have turned off the AC around 10.

Then again, at a table of menopausal women after a few bottles of wine, it was hard to tell.

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Filed under humor

I don’t watch much TV…

…but for this show I had to make an exception.

Z-Rock, rock Band by night, kid band by day. 

Gary turned me onto this and I am pretty sure this is funniest thing I have seen in a long time.

The premise is a local NY band trying to make it. They play clubs at night and kid’s parties to pay the bills. Their ovebearing jewish manager happens to be Joan Rivers’ niece. Joan appears on the show and I was surprised at how current and absolutely hysterical she is.

The lead singer’s number one fan is Gilbert Gottfried’s little kid who hates his dad and idolizes the band member. 

Here are a few of Joan’s sound bites from the last episode. How can you not want to watch this baby?

“A young vagina is a happy vagina.”

(um, define young, please)

Joan to the niece: “I will do this favor for you if you do that one thing I always ask you.”

Niece: “C’mon! Oh, alright. I will call my mother a whore at the next Passover seder. You can even ask it as the fifth question. Why is this night different from all other nights? Because my mother is a whore.”

For those who know me well, my nickname is Z. And of course you all know I rock, making this show close to my heart and a must watch, laugh out loud experience.

You can catch this on IFC, Sunday nights at 11:30 or on iTunes.

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1 Comment

Filed under humor, trends, tv

Taxicab Confessions

One thing that took us by surprise in Vegas was how talkative and friendly the cabbies were. Not to say the NY cab driver is not a cordial breed. But honestly, I sometimes worry I will lose a shoe when getting out one because they are driving away before I fully get out.

Our last night in the City of Sin brought us to a wonderful restaurant about 20 minutes off the strip called Rosemary’s. (Thanks for the suggestion Jeff, it was amazing).

Every Vegas cabbie has a story. This particular one started to chat about the Northeast and why he left. He talked about having been very fortunate early in his career and raising 4 daughters in Westport, CT. Now this guy, he had a long gray ponytail and the look of many years of partying hearty. Not exactly your typical Westport resident.

Of course Gary had to ask him what he did. He told us he was a musician and had great success (um, then why are we driving a cab in Vegas, again?).

Gary: what band?

Cabbie: oh, a little band called ‘the iron butterfly”

Gary: Get the hell out of here. In-a-gada-da-vita?!!

Me: That was our wedding song (I was kidding, it was actually James Brown “I Feel Good”)

So, he and Gary go on to chat up music for the rest of the ride and I am squinting in the dark trying to get this guy’s name off the dashboard. He tells us that he played keyboard and sang. Being the blackberry detective, I look up Iron Butterfly and the names don’t match.

As we got out of the cab Gary asked his name. The name he gave was correct but certainly did not match his taxi license. Was this like his pen name for driving so people did not know it was him. Was he ghost driving?

Of course I had to go upstairs and do more Googling. What is wrong with me, don’t most people just gamble in Vegas.

He talked about playing Woodstock. The Iron Butterfly did not, they got stuck at the airport. He talked about growing up in Sty-town.  Doug Ingle was born in Omaha and grew up in the Rocky Mountains, then moved to San Diego. (uh, last I looked Sty-town was on the east side in NY).

My net of this experience?

Sometimes it is better not to have all that information at your fingertips. Wouldn’t it have just been cool to think that a past rock icon was our driver and he drove a cab so he could chat about the old days with people who cared? Here’s a great vintage vid for those of you who have been humming the song since I mentioned it.

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Filed under humor, music, technology, travel, video

Lace Love

Ok, everyone. Since Jana claimed to be more interesting than Danny in the comments section of my last post, she is proving it by taking part in our first poll experiment. After waiting many, many weeks Jana’s custom Nikes have arrived. They are cool, aren’t they? And tiny I might add… size 6.

She looks a bit like the Mona Lisa in this shot, doesn’t she? Well, she would if that uptight bee-otch – Mona not Jana – would have really cracked a good smile and showed off those beautiful teeth that her parents spent all that money on braces for.

Wait, did I just call the Mona Lisa an uptight bee-otch and did I claim she wore braces? I am really losing it.

This is a screen shot from a video chat session. She wanted us to help her decide. Note how happy Danny looks in the bottom screen. Frankly I think he is pissed about being labeled less interesting.

I just love this, don’t you? My kid is halfway across the country and we can do this kind of thing. Very cool indeed.

I expect lots of voting here everyone. That means all of you who don’t like to comment. I see the stats people, I know you are visiting!

And all of you who receive this by email, you lazy slugs are going to have to go directly to the blog to vote. Janny-girl, you better have all your friends vote so we don’t look foolish here, ok?

Come on everyone! Stop being so non-participatory for G-d’s sake. This is an interactive medium.

So interact. (jeez she is bossy!)

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Filed under family, fashion, humor, parenting, polls, trends

My 100th Post!

In celebration of this milestone, Time to Cry Tuesday will be more of a Time to Celebrate Tuesday (which is not a cool alliteration and will surely not catch on).

Believe it or not, this is my 100th post. No gifts are necessary but some comment love would be appreciated.

How poetic that I should write this on the flight home from my first blog-nerd gathering. I feel like I should call Willard Scott and get myself on a Smuckers spot on the morning news:

i could cry but I don’t have time turns 100 posts young today. Its secret to longevity is a high fiber diet and an affinity for the absurd.”

There are many bloggers out there who trend towards creating a 100 things to do before I die list at this milestone. I will take Jana’s lead on not doing this as the last time we were in a bookstore with Gary she said, “Oh jeez, Dad is looking at the ‘1,000 things’ books. That is NOT a good thing!”

I have also seen 100 things you may not know about me lists. Let’s face it, I love you all out there, and I am sure the feeling is mutual (humor me). But there is a reason why you don’t know those 100 things about me.

Because they are BORING. This would be the equivalent of the drum solo at a Grateful Dead concert – a perfect time to go to the bathroom.

Instead I will use this post as a celebration. A celebration of change. Of following a passion (which by the way is a word I heard mentioned at least 1,000 times at Blogworld, followed closely by transparency and paradigm shift, to the point where they all lost their impact).

You can make a change anytime you choose.

I read a great book recently; The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. It is written from the point of view of the dog. It has surely made me pay more attention to Mel’s incessant barking of late. I am sure she is trying to tell me something. (either that or her bladder is just showing her age).

I will close with my favorite quote from this sage-like canine:

“That which you manifest is before you.”

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Filed under blogging, humor, writing

My head is exploding…

In a good way.

Just left the keynote address at Blogworld’s final day.This was the rock star panel for sure.


Mike Shinoda from Linkin Park and Timothy Ferriss of The 4-Hour Work Week fame with Rohit Bhargava, author of Personality Not Included and Sr. VP of the 360 Digital Influence team at Ogilvy. These guys were amazing! 

Now, for my fave soundbites:

Rohit to Tim and Mike: “You guys are not assholes and you really could be. What makes you not assholes.”

Ummmm… anyone read my last post? Did I not talk assholes? Coincidence? I think not!

Tim: “Be vulnerable and open about your shortcomings and people will be more apt to help you.”

I love this advice as I am way over my head in this crowd and the idea of being OK with that is cool. Kind of like a little blogstyle valium. Or your mother telling you how smart you are even when you don’t feel that way. (by the way mom, thanks for always doing that. Note to self: start doing that to my kids).

Tim: “Talk to your readers the way you talk to your friends after 2 drinks.”

This one is great. If I were to write my mission statement that is what it would be. Most times I write in the same tone that I speak at a First Thurdays dinner. The key here is the number of drinks. Anything more than 2 and you start to sound like a blathering idiot. (Note to my kids: Just kidding, you should not drink and should always have a designated typist).

Off to another speaker session…

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Filed under blogging, trends