Tag Archives: passover

South Florida Living

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If you have ever visited one of the many communities in South Florida, this will not surprise you. The level of detail is astounding.

You have to believe that this was not written in the spirit of prevention. I would like to know how many poor people got locked in there before this very detailed set of directions was drafted.

I keep envisioning the condo association from Seinfeld spending the better portion of a month drafting this sucker.

The scary thing about this is that I am surely the most likely person to get locked in there. In fact, this was the third time I had thrown out the garbage and the only reason I noticed the sign was because my dad told me to take my cell phone.

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Jewish Hippies Rejoice

Matzolah

If you are celebrating Passover and are sticking to strict dietary laws of no leavened products, this matzoh-style granola will surely give your little hippie heart a thrill. And it’s made by Foodman! Does he have the help of Foodwoman?

I love the description:

Matzo (everyone spells it their own way, like Hannukah) Granola Breakfast & Nosh.

It’s sort of like my grandmother wrote that.

Thanks to my bro for sending me this one today. It made me smile. And oddly gave me a craving to stick my hand in that container and walk around barefoot in the streets with flowers in my hair singing Grateful Dead tunes…

in hebrew.

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Filed under family, food, holidays

Seder Snowstorm

photo

If you listen carefully this morning, you can hear a collective sigh of women throughout the midwest and east coast pondering pounds of brisket and gallons of chicken soup, wondering who will make it to their seder tables tonight. To think that our past worries were whether there would be an egg shortage due to the Passover/Easter proximity.

Here we were – certainly those of us who work full time – thinking how brilliant it was that the first seder fell on a Monday. We partook in leisurely shopping over the weekend instead of the midnight run to the all night grocers. We cooked in our pajamas and workout clothes and our phones were spared the gooey matzoh ball mixture of conference calls past. We set tables with extra care and woke this morning able to still put in a fairly decent day’s work before the reheating begins.

We plan and G-d laughs. A pending spring snowstorm that doesn’t even have the decency to show up early enough for any of our guests to be able to make a show/no-show judgement call before early afternoon is sort of the big Mother Nature FU.

My phone started buzzing with texts last night: “Weather update?”, “Any cancellations?”, “You changing yours to Tuesday?”

Holiday misery loves company.

Tonight, instead of the Four Questions there will be only one… will anyone be sitting at our seder tables?

In case not, anyone interested in a boatload of Jew food?

 

 

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Easter and Passover Musings from an Immature Woman

Yes, I admit that I am immature. In fact, I am rather proud of it. I like slapstick and bathroom humor and yes, even the original 3 Stooges – no one likes Shemp. (the latter being one of the main reasons my husband married me)

This year Passover and Easter fell on the same weekend. This made Riki very uncomfortable as she worried very much about how the chickens were going to produce so many eggs in such a short period of time.

My brother (the labor lawyer) assured her they were being paid overtime.

Here are some of my holiday musings for Passover/Easter 2012

1. Potato Starch drug deal – After 4 trips in 24 hours to the market, I did not have the patience to make one more. Late Thursday night I realized that I needed half a cup of potato starch for a recipe. Riki (she is showing up a lot here lately) was kind enough to leave me some in her mailbox so I could pick it up at the ungodly hour of 6:45 AM when I take Jana to the train. As I lifted it out of the mailbox I thought of the possible headline, “Jewish mother arrested for bag of supposed cocaine in her front seat… later found out this was potato starch.”

2. All of the other horseradish were jealous – no explanation necessary. I have posted about this before. Again… there is no end to my adolescent behavior. I also wrote about a well-endowed cucumber a few summers ago. Let’s face it, phallic vegetables are ALWAYS funny, in the same way that talking about Uranus is.

3. Scary Easter Bunny – I took this shot at the Chelsea Flea market a while back and I had to post it for Easter for none other than my friend Michelle Lamar who has an equal affection for the absurd. We tend to try to outpost each other with weird stuff. She is the one who turned me on to tampon crafts way back when.

Yes, there are many of us out there who act this way.

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Passover – The Cardiologists’ Holiday

For those who are not of the tribe, Passover is a holiday that is filled with cholesterol and sugar. Dozens of eggs, pounds of butter, countless sacks of sugar and briskets till the cows come home (with onions and carrots) crowd Jewish tables from coast to coast.

I had chest pains just cooking the stuff. This is not to mention what it all does to your stomach.

In doctor’s offices across the land, Cardiologists and Gastroenterologists are dancing the jig and planning their next vacation… on us! Or our health insurance companies. This is sort of like how happy the dentists are right after halloween. I don’t think of it as shadenfruede, but more just a joy surrounding a surge in business, so to speak.

This is surely not a week to have one’s bloods done.

Another funny Passover anecdotes:

Me: Do chopped walnuts go bad?

Friend 1: No, they are a post-apocalyptic food

Friend 2: And I am sure the ancient Manschevitz wine that you are mixing in will kill any bacteria.

Ahhhh, the holidays. What could be more fun?

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Florida Soundbites

Florida: Day 4 and leaving.

I thought I would wrap this one up with some funny things that were said or seen over the weekend. But first I would like to give a big shout out WHAT THE HELL to the two women who just sat behind me in the Jet Blue terminal at PBI. I am an hour early for my flight because I love airports my brother’s flight was earlier and I am literally one of 4 people at the gate. These two blabbermouths had to sit in the seats directly behind me and yack away…

in a foreign language. SERIOUSLY!

Ok, so here are some of the funnier things from the weekend:

My Aunt: My mother told me that she loved my father more after he was dead.

My Cousin: While playing a game with all the grandmothers when they were still with us (this was the generation of my grandmother) in response to body parts that come in pairs my Aunt’s mother (from above) responded, “Penis” This could explain why she stayed with her husband for so many years, even if she loved him more after he was dead.

My Mom: (in response to my dad saying that I had a great sense of humor) Yeh, especially when it comes to poo. (ok, my brother and I discuss bodily functions maybe a little bit more than average siblings).

My Dad: You have to understand all our weather comes from the West. It comes in from the Gulf of Mexico. That means we get used weather.

For a nice little wrap up, here are three of my favorite signs:

1. This billboard sits outside the road leading to my parents’ community. I believe it is placed there just in case all the Northerners of ‘the tribe’ had any questions about His existence.

2. This Derm seems to cover it all. Permanant make-up? WTF? What if you want to change color. Is it like the mood ring material? And would you really trust someone with your skin cancer that does permanent makeup?  Just asking?

3. I will close with the creepy child mannequin and the miracle suit poster, just because this says so much.

In closing, I will quote a dear friend who said this about visiting Florida,  “just remember that you are watching a movie in which you will play the LEADING role some time in the future.”

My answer to that is, “I only pray I will be so lucky.”

Thanks Mom and Dad for a great visit. And Keith, no one makes me laugh quite like you.

Let the Matzoh begin!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under aging parents, family, religion, road signs, things i've heard, travel

Uncle

Please!! 

No

more 

food.

Nothing like a jewish holiday to make you feel like you are going to explode.

Sorry, too much salteggsfatmatzohwinebrisketsoupgelfitlefish-a-go-go to possibly type another word.

 

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

add to del.icio.us : Add to Blinkslist : add to furl : Digg it : add to ma.gnolia : Stumble It! : add to simpy : seed the vine :  :  : TailRank : post to facebook

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