Category Archives: humor

Graduation Time

grad capNope, no one in my house is graduating. But for some reason I found myself going back and reading all of the graduation posts that I had written for my kids. I guess it is that time of year. It all seems so long ago, and like yesterday at the same time.

I will tell you that here on the other side, we are all doing great and happy to have made it.

Here is a little roundup for those who are going through the graduation dance. Don’t worry, I promise, you will all be just fine.

Jana’s High School Graduation

Danny’s High School Graduation

Jana’s College Graduation

Danny’s College Graduation

Iko’s Obedience School Graduation (JK, if you have ever met her you would know she would definitely be a dropout!)

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Filed under childhood, college, danny, daughters, education, family, gary, humor, Iko, Jana, moms, parenting, pets, school, wisconsin

Hanky Panky on the Tennis Court

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It has been a while since I have been here, but this story just begged to be a blog post, so here I am. Yeh, I missed you guys too.

This is a spin on the age old advice that every mom gives their daughter and every daughter rolls their eyes at:

Make sure you wear nice underwear, you never know when you are going to get into an accident.

Seriously? What kind of advice is this? And if you are in a car accident, is your underwear really your biggest problem?

I guess this stuck with me, and quite honestly I doubt my mom ever said this herself. I always make sure I am wearing nice underwear and I happen to love Hanky Panky thongs.  Especially the black ones.

There. it is out. Now everyone knows. Not just the guys my husband plays tennis with…

Scenario: 

Husband is playing in his regular Saturday game. He is in a little bit of a crouch [not crotch] and feels something odd in his shorts. He reaches in and pulls out… you guessed it. A lovely pair of black original-rise Hanky Pankys stuck inside his shorts from the static gods. He holds them up. Everyone gives him that look like, shit I hope those belong to your wife. Or maybe it was more like, what happens on the tennis court stays on the tennis court.

The worst part is that he couldn’t ‘seem to remember’ who was on the court at the time.

I am sure I will find out soon enough.

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Filed under humor, moms

This mom is dope

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Or is she just a dope?

This was taken at the same kid’s play as fashion dad. This place was blogger heaven. And what a perfect mother’s day post #1 (#2 will be the sentimental one where I refrain from parent bashing).

First, let’s run by the definitions of dope.

There is the Webster version, surprisingly puts drugs above stupidity:

webster-dope

I like to think that the last one is really ‘the poop’,  but hey, I tend to lean towards bathroom humor.

Moving to Urban Dictionary with their many versions of the drug definition, culminating with this one which is my favorite:

urban-dictionary-dope
Good old Smokey is one angry dude but he uses Gary’s favorite term, rat’s ass, so I love him x 10.

Then there is the definition that something dope is something cool (I am guessing this is the one she was going for). But we can’t rule out the fact that this mom could have just been… a dope. With the need to let everyone know.

Wait! Could she be married to fashion dad?

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Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, family, fashion, humor, moms

Insomnia Questions

insomniaquestionsI can’t stay asleep. I have a sinus infection with laryngitis.

ME. With laryngitis.

Do the math on that one!

You know the drill on sleeping with this stuff. You pass out and then you snore or hack yourself awake, leaving sleep a thing of the past. I usually read when I wake up, but the combination of my cement head and the fact that my snoring has sent Gary running for the hills (or Jana’s room) for a good night sleep, have led me to late night TV. It beats ruminating in the middle of the night – my other favorite insomniac pastime (don’t believe anything you think about in the middle of the night).

For your reading pleasure, here is a list of what is on in the middle of the night:

Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars (Get naked, get truly naked)

Little Women: LA (yes this is about midgets and yes I know that term is horrifyingly not PC… blame the illness)

Mob Wives: The Antisocial Network (and I quote: “She has cancer… she’s stage fucking 4! I don’t want nothing from this rat bitch) Note to self: start using the term ‘rat bitch’.

Hardcore Pawn (one of my all-time faves)

There are countless otherworld shows: American Supernatural, The Haunting in Connecticut and Trance, which is a lively show where they hypnotize people and interview them. Who wouldn’t love that?

But the one that was truly like watching the accident was… drumroll please:

My 600 Lb. Life. WTF?! This is a reality show about the morbidly obese. I could not change the channel. That is not until I witnessed a visiting nurse lifting an enormous fat flap of a bed ridden mom on oxygen in a hospital bed in her living room who had just sent her enabling spouse out grocery shopping. She was treating a cellulitis wound caused by fat folds! And they zoomed in. This is just not right for me to witness. The mom’s goal was to get out of bed in time to trick or treat with her son. I can’t even!

I think I need to start the hashtag #insomniaquestions. At the very least I should start a column called MFTATV. (Magnet for the Aburd Television)

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to watch back to back reruns of Will and Grace and Sex in the City.

mfta approved

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Filed under absurdities, humor, mfta, sick, sleep

The Blizzard and the Bread Shelves

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photo credit: brownpau flickr

Sitting in my warm house (so far), we are hunkering down for what the media has whipped us all in a frenzy about: Winter Storm Juno.

Preying on the PTSD of a still Sandy-shocked population, they have had a field day with this one, and the supermarkets were evidence of that. I will share two observations and then I am off to start some serious drinking.

First, the empty bread shelves in the supermarket. I live in an area where more people are living a gluten-free, carb-free life than I care to think about. Why then, are the bread shelves in the supermarket close to empty. I predict there is going to be a lot of closet gluten-rich activity going on out there through this storm, no? Oy, the inflammation!

Second, is the insane desire to make sure one has eggs, bread and milk in the house at all times. What is this? Is there a direct correlation between a pending storm and the need to eat french toast?

As my dear friend Joanne pointed out just around the time that she talked me off the ledge about my Snow Warrior husband having left too late and being caught on the road forever, this is a misguided list. There are, in fact, 3 things that one must have in a storm, but they are not eggs, bread and milk… they are wine, toilet paper and coffee.

Indeed.

Stay safe everyone, and I will see you on the other side. Hopefully with power.

 

 

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Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, humor, New York, New York City, shopping

She’s Got Game

SKEA_black swan

Or, perhaps the title of this post should be “The Vagina Games”, but that would have been link bait and I am so not about that.

This could be the best kickstarter in… well, ever! SKEA (Smart Kegel Exercise Aid) is a game controller that you insert vaginally. Yes, you read that correctly. You control a mobile game app with your vaginal muscles.

The name of the game that you can control with your wunder down under?

“Alice In Continent”. You have to love these crazy kids.

For those of you of the birthing ilk, you are no strangers to Kegel exercises. These help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, keeping the ole bladder in shape and bringing your love nest back to its original splendor after you have given birth. I would imagine this item is perfect for the woman with a Herculean Hey-Nanny-Nanny; and certainly for those who like to kill Zombies with their lady bits. (How much slang DO you think I can use in this post? And is it bad for the ads I will be served this week that I googled ‘vagina slang’?)

This is perfect for over-worked, under-appreciated mom market: ‘Kids, go do your homework, Mommy has to slay some dragons…’

When I posted this on Facebook I had an overwhelming amount of comments. My fave was from a friend who is a clergy person who said if she saw this she would have thought it was a duck and would have bought it for her mom, the duck collector.

Duck collector, indeed!

Tom Chen, the designer, created this video that is beyond words. I urge you to take a look for yourself. I particularly like his use of water bottles and fruit. His wife called this item ‘humanitarian’ (seriously?). I can’t help but wonder if the typo in Dr. Peng Peng’s title (M.D. in Gynercology) was intentional.

I know, amazing vid, right?

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 6.25.27 PMThis illustration? I don’t even know what to do with this. Well, yes, I do, but I am way too classy for that.

Ok, so as if this was not fabulous enough right here, you will be happy to know that there have been 4 updates to this product. #4 is my fave.

For those who were thinking the same thing that I was when I first saw this – which means pretty much EVERYONE – you will be happy to hear they have had multiple requests (was ‘multiple; an intentional play on words?) for a SKEA with ‘erotic’ function. They are designing another model ‘that should deliver a decent and adjustable vibration’ and ‘may also develop specific apps that users with different needs can choose…’

Talk about a joystick!

Perfect name for one of those apps… ‘She’s Got Game’, of course.

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Filed under absurdities, humor, pregnancy, sex

Donkeys are the new goats

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I want to preface this with the fact that I live in a suburban area known as the North Shore of Long Island. That would be the Nawth Shaw of Long Guyland if you buy into that whole stereotypical dialect thing.

I do not.

This magazine was at the checkout of our local Whole Foods. Modern Farmer? Really? Talk about missing the demographic! There are no farmers in this ‘hood – modern or otherwise. The only thing better than this close-up shot would have been one with a woman dressed to the nines in front of the magazine rack. Keep in mind this particular Whole Foods is across the street from The Miracle Mile, a Rodeo Drive style shopping area.

You’ve heard the expression, “It goes together like donkeys and Manolo Blahniks, right? Of course, everyone has.

At first I thought this was an Onion type magazine. With that Headline: Donkeys, the new goats. And the Redonkulous seal (with an excellent use of hyphenation)

Other wonderful headlines that are a bit more relatable for this zip code:

  • Pot Farming Goes Big
  • How to Grow a Winter Garden (was this the follow-up to the Pot Farming article?)
  • Drink Bitter Booze (while you are Pot Farming?)

I cannot, for the life of me, explain why I did not pick up a copy of this publication. I would like to point out that if you visit their website there is currently an article titled, New Year’s Resolution: Eat More Squirrel in 2015. Yep, that was definitely on my list this year! You?

I quote:

“Locavores, listen up: if you want to eat non-GMO, antiobiotic- and hormone-free, lean, free range, local, healthy meat, you need to look up. Limb chicken, as squirrels are affectionately known in many hunting circles, is arguably better than grassfed beef or organic pork when it comes to planetary health.”

Affectionately, indeed. Limb chicken… I can’t.

And you are in luck, there is a recipe at the end of the article. (no I am not making this up)

I can’t wait for the spring issue!

(FYI, yes, I am pretty sure I am back)

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Filed under absurdities, blogging, carry a camera, cooking, current events, humor