I don’t know about you, but Siri is the bane of my existence. I have tried to like the bitch, but she taunts me to no end.
I have been driving in my car and found myself screaming at her that she sucks. Yes, I scream at the phone.
Me: Siri, YOU SUCK!
Siri: That doesn’t sound good.
You’re damn straight it doesn’t sound good! I am convinced she is both deaf and slightly brain damaged. And a little passive aggressive, now that I think about it.
So I say it again (I swear this is for real)
Me: Siri, you SUCK!
and her response?
Siri: I would rather you didn’t.
Apparently she never got the ‘a little head would be nice’ memo.
Gary just got an iPhone and I was showing him how to voice text. He was pouring syrup into a pitcher for breakfast and I saw we were running low, so I voice texted him:
Me: Siri, message Gary “We need more syrup”
Siri (to Gary): Gary we need more Siri.
He looked at me and I said, “See, I told you she was self-involved.”
My nana used to say this all the time. As would be fitting for a young person I used to smile sweetly in response and go about my business without giving it much thought. I mean, older people said stuff like this all the time, right?
In the last almost 3 months I have thought about this often and I am pretty sure Nana is waving that perfectly manicured finger at me from wherever she is. I can just about hear her signature, ‘Now, Amy Dear… I TOLD you!”, echoing in my head. (For a while I was convinced she thought Dear was my middle name).
For those who were regular readers, you have noticed – and complained I might add, in an endearing way – about my sparse postings. I am working on getting back here, but it seems I am a rolling series of calamities waiting to happen.
Not wanting to bore you with the blow by blow details, let’s just say I have run the gamut. I have decided that rather than bitch about it I will try to point out the humor in what I hope is the tail end of this run.
- After 2 rounds of sinus infections and countless antibiotics, I finally felt as if I could breathe clearly again and all was good with the world. That is when while making the bed, the dog decided to ‘help’ and popped me so hard in the nose I almost passed out. As I ran to the bathroom, bleeding profusely, it occurred to me I had never known what is was like to take a hit to the face. It sucks, btw. And breathing… not going to lie, it’s not so great.
- If you remember, I had a little ‘mishap’ with my blood pressure and they changed my meds. All was good with the world till…. I looked down to find my Aunt Bessie’s ankle on the end of my right foot. Yeh, that’s right, I was pretty much in the market for support hose and a hairnet. (BTW, I am unsure whether I had an Aunt Bessie or if she had swollen ankles but it makes the story better so go with it). I called the doc, he changed my meds, the ankle started to go down, I tossed the hairnet and all was good with the world. Until…
- I slipped on some towels and fell down the stairs carrying 2 laundry baskets and sprained the same friggin’ ankle! Yeh, that’s right, the one I was supposed to watch for swelling to make sure the new meds were working right! I was, however, wearing shorts and sneakers getting ready to go on the elliptical, so I am deeming this a sports injury. (Please give me this one)
The moral of this story? Jewish girls should not do laundry? Dogs should not make the bed? Nope.
The moral of this story is that Nana was right!
So if you happen to see me gimping down the street, be kind. Offer me a little bubble plastic. Or maybe a helmet. And remember:
As long as you’ve got your health…
As a parent, every few years you are faced with another rite of passage, another adventure your child is about to embark on, another chance for you to show your chops as a parent. Although your heart is hanging on to the hem of their pants as they walk through that door, your head is ready to let them fly…
The last time I wrote one of these my boy was off to college. Seems like yesterday, yet here we, are 3 and half years later and he is off for a semester abroad in Seville, Spain. I thought now would be a good time to give him one of my famous lists of advice. I do this every so often to remind him, or more likely myself, that I am not quite through imparting wisdom just yet. If I write it here instead of tell him all this to his face, I spare myself the humiliation of the sighing and eye-rolling. So here goes, in no particular order.
- Don’t be THAT American. This is similar to what I told my kids when they were first starting to experiment with drinking. Don’t be THAT girl/guy, the one that gets wasted and pukes on themselves. Don’t be THAT American simply means respect the local culture.
- Try to really SEE Europe, don’t just drink Europe. This is obvious to me and quite ridiculous to him. Hopefully somewhere in between will be his reality.
- Keep your eyes open and soak in everything. You never know what might wind up being the answer to what you want to do with your life.
- Be Smart. If it feels wrong, it probably is. If it seems unsafe, it probably is.
- Eat Everything, within reason. No explanation needed.
- Don’t be a dick (not that you ever would be). Again, the international version. This is like number 1 on steroids. Check the ego at the door and you might as well leave the egocentric there to keep it company.
- If you have to play beer pong, make sure you win the 100 Euro. Self-explanatory.
- Amsterdam – you MUST see the Anne Frank House. As Jana said, as a Jew it is your responsibility. Period.
- The rest of your time in Amsterdam. I do not need details, thanks.
- Have the time of your life. This one should be easy.
In all seriousness, you are an amazing young man and have always made us proud. We have no real worries about this trip. We are just a more than a little jealous.
Packaging. It can be so deceiving. At first glance the red and white box simply seemed to be the inhaler I had just picked up from the pharmacy, so it went in the ‘to pack’ pile for my son’s semester abroad.
Ok, so it was the dog’s ear drops instead. Hey, she never let’s me get near her with them, anyway. Someone might as well use them.
I know, a wheezing American in Spain would probably not have seen the humor in that.
Mom fail or honest mistake?