Monthly Archives: January 2015

January 29, 2015 · 2:20 am

Insomnia Questions

insomniaquestionsI can’t stay asleep. I have a sinus infection with laryngitis.

ME. With laryngitis.

Do the math on that one!

You know the drill on sleeping with this stuff. You pass out and then you snore or hack yourself awake, leaving sleep a thing of the past. I usually read when I wake up, but the combination of my cement head and the fact that my snoring has sent Gary running for the hills (or Jana’s room) for a good night sleep, have led me to late night TV. It beats ruminating in the middle of the night – my other favorite insomniac pastime (don’t believe anything you think about in the middle of the night).

For your reading pleasure, here is a list of what is on in the middle of the night:

Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars (Get naked, get truly naked)

Little Women: LA (yes this is about midgets and yes I know that term is horrifyingly not PC… blame the illness)

Mob Wives: The Antisocial Network (and I quote: “She has cancer… she’s stage fucking 4! I don’t want nothing from this rat bitch) Note to self: start using the term ‘rat bitch’.

Hardcore Pawn (one of my all-time faves)

There are countless otherworld shows: American Supernatural, The Haunting in Connecticut and Trance, which is a lively show where they hypnotize people and interview them. Who wouldn’t love that?

But the one that was truly like watching the accident was… drumroll please:

My 600 Lb. Life. WTF?! This is a reality show about the morbidly obese. I could not change the channel. That is not until I witnessed a visiting nurse lifting an enormous fat flap of a bed ridden mom on oxygen in a hospital bed in her living room who had just sent her enabling spouse out grocery shopping. She was treating a cellulitis wound caused by fat folds! And they zoomed in. This is just not right for me to witness. The mom’s goal was to get out of bed in time to trick or treat with her son. I can’t even!

I think I need to start the hashtag #insomniaquestions. At the very least I should start a column called MFTATV. (Magnet for the Aburd Television)

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to watch back to back reruns of Will and Grace and Sex in the City.

mfta approved

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January 26, 2015 · 6:51 pm

The Blizzard and the Bread Shelves

emptybreadshelves

photo credit: brownpau flickr

Sitting in my warm house (so far), we are hunkering down for what the media has whipped us all in a frenzy about: Winter Storm Juno.

Preying on the PTSD of a still Sandy-shocked population, they have had a field day with this one, and the supermarkets were evidence of that. I will share two observations and then I am off to start some serious drinking.

First, the empty bread shelves in the supermarket. I live in an area where more people are living a gluten-free, carb-free life than I care to think about. Why then, are the bread shelves in the supermarket close to empty. I predict there is going to be a lot of closet gluten-rich activity going on out there through this storm, no? Oy, the inflammation!

Second, is the insane desire to make sure one has eggs, bread and milk in the house at all times. What is this? Is there a direct correlation between a pending storm and the need to eat french toast?

As my dear friend Joanne pointed out just around the time that she talked me off the ledge about my Snow Warrior husband having left too late and being caught on the road forever, this is a misguided list. There are, in fact, 3 things that one must have in a storm, but they are not eggs, bread and milk… they are wine, toilet paper and coffee.

Indeed.

Stay safe everyone, and I will see you on the other side. Hopefully with power.

 

 

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January 20, 2015 · 12:13 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific

gee-your-hair-smells-terrific

There are people in your life that know you to the core, and as they say, love you anyway. You have a common past and a shared commitment to one another that is unshakeable. I like to refer to these friends as the ones you call, ask them to bring a shovel and they, in turn, ask no questions (not that I have ever done this, but it is good to know).

I am fortunate to say that I have a solid pool of these type of friends and never does a day go by that I do not feel grateful for that. There are three of them that have been in my life since I was in 6th grade. I was a latecomer to this group; they all know each other since kindergarten! Whenever we get the chance, which is not often enough, we go for a ‘reset’. Sometimes it is just a dinner, but when we are lucky it is a weekend. I recommend reset for everyone. It is the best therapy, the most laughs and reminds you WHY (in caps and the all-encompassing why).

This past weekend we reset. With party favors! Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific was the shampoo of our adolescence. We were obsessed with this product. If social media existed back then this product would have broken the internet. One of the reset girls found this online and ordered a bottle for each of us (Ron, I believe I took yours home, sorry). The sight of that packaging brought back a flood of shared memories and cemented our connection once again.

Gee my friends are terrific (yes, corny wrap-up). Ok, I will try again. Without these 3, life itself would be utter chaos, even though sometimes we are the cause of each other’s chaos. We stage interventions, big and small, tell each other the things we don’t want to hear but need to and problem solve (ad nauseum). But must important, we laugh, to the point of tears. (yes, that is this blog’s tagline).

Love, Love, Love, you 3.

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January 13, 2015 · 5:02 pm

All That Glitters

ship-your-enemies-glitterSomeone getting on your last nerve? Ex driving you crazy? Not all that comfortable with confrontation?

Here’s your solution. ShipYourEnemiesGlitter.com. Glitter as a service.

What a great idea. Relatively harmless, it is perfect for someone who has annoyed you to no end. And of course those who want to fight like fairies. Or for those of you out there who get furious but no one really knows (and you know who you are).

Ten bucks, no muss no fuss… on your end. For the enemy… it is the gift that keeps on giving. Or as the site refers to it, passing along ‘the craft herpes’.

Why did I not think of this? As the craft household when the kids were little, glitter was consider a condiment. You can never get rid of that stuff.

I am so not about retaliation, I would rather move on than let people get the best of me. But, believe me, in the heat of the moment I can rant like no other. Perhaps this is a nice alternative to raising the old blood pressure.

The site is quite something. You can be sure the people who came up with this have been dissed in their day – lots of cursing a  and calling people names just to fuel the fire. Don’t miss the reviews page, because it is good to know that snorting glitter will make your nose bleed.

I will file this under the same genius as the selling of 30,000 boxes of bullshit.

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January 10, 2015 · 9:45 am

Who The FCUK is Fabrice Yahyaoui

actorThis man is an actor. He fuckin’ wants to act. Cast him.

Indeed. Let’s cut right to the chase, shall we?

I love this guy even if I have no clue how to pronounce his last name. Fabrice Yahyaoui seems like the type of guy who will not take no for an answer. Talk about passion and nerve! This poster was plastered on the outside of a bus shelter in the East ’30s. I became intrigued and did a little research on him. He posts these all over the world.

The quote from the video below that hit home for me was this one:

“In life you have to fight. He doesn’t give up. I want him to make it.”

Me too!

We can laugh. And maybe ponder that this guy is a little crazy, but I applaud his method and hope it gets him work. It is this kind of risk-taking that sets you apart. He makes me want to root for him. I want to see this guy succeed. If I were a casting agent I am not sure if I could resist the curiosity to call this guy in. He certainly seems to have a myriad of looks, and definitely has the fire in his belly to work.

Hey Fabrice, I hope you have some decent monitoring going on. I would love to hear from you in the comments and find out how things are going.

Want to know who the FCUK Fabrice Yahyaoui is? Watch this vid and find out.

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January 7, 2015 · 6:47 pm

She’s Got Game

SKEA_black swan

Or, perhaps the title of this post should be “The Vagina Games”, but that would have been link bait and I am so not about that.

This could be the best kickstarter in… well, ever! SKEA (Smart Kegel Exercise Aid) is a game controller that you insert vaginally. Yes, you read that correctly. You control a mobile game app with your vaginal muscles.

The name of the game that you can control with your wunder down under?

“Alice In Continent”. You have to love these crazy kids.

For those of you of the birthing ilk, you are no strangers to Kegel exercises. These help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, keeping the ole bladder in shape and bringing your love nest back to its original splendor after you have given birth. I would imagine this item is perfect for the woman with a Herculean Hey-Nanny-Nanny; and certainly for those who like to kill Zombies with their lady bits. (How much slang DO you think I can use in this post? And is it bad for the ads I will be served this week that I googled ‘vagina slang’?)

This is perfect for over-worked, under-appreciated mom market: ‘Kids, go do your homework, Mommy has to slay some dragons…’

When I posted this on Facebook I had an overwhelming amount of comments. My fave was from a friend who is a clergy person who said if she saw this she would have thought it was a duck and would have bought it for her mom, the duck collector.

Duck collector, indeed!

Tom Chen, the designer, created this video that is beyond words. I urge you to take a look for yourself. I particularly like his use of water bottles and fruit. His wife called this item ‘humanitarian’ (seriously?). I can’t help but wonder if the typo in Dr. Peng Peng’s title (M.D. in Gynercology) was intentional.

I know, amazing vid, right?

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 6.25.27 PMThis illustration? I don’t even know what to do with this. Well, yes, I do, but I am way too classy for that.

Ok, so as if this was not fabulous enough right here, you will be happy to know that there have been 4 updates to this product. #4 is my fave.

For those who were thinking the same thing that I was when I first saw this – which means pretty much EVERYONE – you will be happy to hear they have had multiple requests (was ‘multiple; an intentional play on words?) for a SKEA with ‘erotic’ function. They are designing another model ‘that should deliver a decent and adjustable vibration’ and ‘may also develop specific apps that users with different needs can choose…’

Talk about a joystick!

Perfect name for one of those apps… ‘She’s Got Game’, of course.

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January 6, 2015 · 3:31 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – You can’t go home again

540

Cleaning my office the first day back from the holidays, this picture fell out of a file folder onto my keyboard.

The Big 540… my childhood home.

The same house that we sold a few months ago. The process of selling was rather unpleasant, the details remaining unwritten. Use your imagination if you do not know the details. The process of dismantling it was long and arduous, as my parents had lived there for 60 years. But it was a labor of love. By the time we signed on the dotted line it was more of a relief than anything else.

Oddly, a few weeks after closing I had the most bizarre dream. I was showering in my parents’ bathroom and suddenly realized that we no longer owned the house (oops). Yep, wrapped in a towel in someone else’s bathroom and they walked in the back door. The classic version of the ‘I forgot to study for the test’ dream.

A few weeks later I had another dream that I was hanging out in the house and all of the new owners’ relatives started showing up with furniture and started yelling at me and threatening to call the cops. Again, I had forgotten that this was no longer ‘our house’ (yes, I am way crazier than I let on).

I don’t have to be a therapist to know that the loss of this house is obviously effecting me more than I realized. I have never lived without this home – quite something for someone of ‘my age’. This is where I grew up, where the family gathered, where my mom planted. And planted. And planted. Where my history lived in the walls. And although my current home has been in my life almost half as long as this one has, there is something unnerving about losing this place.

I know ‘home’ is not the building. And Lord knows I have brought enough of the stuff from that house here (anyone want to help me go through 14 crates of photos). It is hard to explain how I feel.

Maybe it is simply the knowledge that I can’t go home again.

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