Monthly Archives: May 2008

Bloganoia


an interesting little twist to my new world of blogging. over the past few weeks when something happens people will ask, “oh no, are you going to put me in your blog”. it’s kind of funny. i mean, seriously, it is not like i am writing a column in the NYT. so i guess that replaces the ever famous “this should be a chapter” comment, the difference being that these are seeing the (cyber)light of day. don’t worry my friends, i will be kind. 

i thought i had made up this word until i googled it and found that it is out there and already has many definitions.

i, for one, have always been a big fan of the made up word. yesternight. cyberexlover. transplendent. (any woody allen fans out there?) blogging seems to be a natural for this. being of ‘a certain age’ – to borrow an extremely annoying label from the ridiculous chipped nail article , i am considered tech-savvy amongst my peers. this is no great feat as the bar is set pretty low, but hey, i will take it where i can get it.

so here goes – the first (of many) blog vocab lists. now don’t try stealing these, they are all in a sealed envelope on the way to a copyright attorney as we speak ; ). actually, when i googled them, some already exist as blog names or websites. guess i am not the only one who gets a charge out of making up words. there must be others stuck in the basement, banging the keyboard trying to amuse themselves.

i highly encourage commenting on this sucker. maybe i will run a contest for the best word…

bloganoia: fear of being blogged about

blogalicious: hot & juicy blog; my blogshake brings all the boys to the yard (urban dictionary has a lamer definition)

blogomania: frenzy surrounding the need to blog 

blogophobic: (a no brainer) fear of blogging

blogagoric: fear of blogging outside?

blogcentric: believing yours is the only blog worth reading

pseudoblog: a blog written on paper and scanned in

preblogastoric: mom, tell us about the days before blogging when you had to use a pen and paper

bloggertensive: high blood pressure from reading infuriating blog posts

blognostic: a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in blogs

give me more…

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Nothing funnier than a flying penis (I am an infant)

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EVERYONE loves a girl fight

Dinner table conversation:

Danny (15): There was another girl fight at school today

Me: No kidding. That is terrible. Wasn’t there one last week, too.

Danny: Yeh, the principal actually had to push me aside to get to the fight to break it up.

Me: What were you doing there?

Danny: Trying to get a good look

My husband: EVERYONE loves a girl fight!

Me: (typical fire shooting out of my eyes step away from the children look across the table) You ARE kidding me, right?

Danny: I am usually with you on things mom, but dad is right, EVERYONE loves a girl fight!

This would fall under the category of me thinking that my husband is nuts until I began to tell the story. All of my male friends gave me the look like, “I know how I am supposed to react as an evolved non- neanderthal man in the year 2008, but really Amy, EVERYONE loves a girl fight”. I am not talking about the macho, sexist sterotypical, man’s man type guys. I am talking, almost (well actually all) of them. We were at a beautiful upscale affair on saturday night and there is my husband talking to two of our more sophisticated intelligent guy friends and I walk over to hear, “Amy, we are sorry but EVERYONE loves a girl fight.”

I suppose I will end this topic with the other amazing phenomenon that I have noticed amongst men of all walks of life. The answer to every question you ask a man can always be answered with…

“A little head would be nice”

“Honey, can you take out the garbage?

“Sure, but a little head would be nice first?”

“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

“As a matter of fact, a little head would be nice”

“My family is coming over, can you make sure there is gas in the grill”

“Your family? Well, I would think a little head would be nice first”

To quote Nana Julia “Men…”

(I believe the second half of that sentiment was …they should all hang from one rope)

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Filed under humor, parenting, women

The Emperor’s New Nail Polish

Now I am beginning to understand the meaning of ‘victim’ in fashion victim.

Yesterday’s NYT Thursday Styles section, aside from promoting a Pee Wee Herman-style suit as the next men’s fashion craze, announced that chipped nail polish is now chic!

This is the epitome of the fashion lemmings. A true sociological study on how women will do anything if we are told by the fashionistas that it is ‘in style’. A few of my favorite quotes from this article:

“PITY the mothers and grandmothers. Visible bra straps, glaringly obvious roots — these are but a few of the grooming no-nos that have become yes-yeses in recent years.” (scary opening)

“Over the last few years — since the era of the skull print scarf, let’s say, or the (metaphorical) rise of the Olsen twins — having streaked, chipped or just plain grotty nail polish no longer suggests drug addiction, manual labor or pure laziness.”

Well this a a great relief to me. Keeping with the theme of having no time to cry I certainly am not great about the nail appointment. Could this be the tipping point in fashion history where neglect due to over-scheduled lives drives what is acceptable, or better yet, fashionable?

Now I am cool, right? Oh no, no, no my friends. Read on…

“Being otherwise exquisitely turned out may be the key to making the undone-nails look work. (“Chipping is cool, but chipping in a schleppy way when you don’t have a $5,000 handbag is not as cool,” Ms. Baek said.)”

You are friggin kidding, right? First, if you are insane enough to spend $5,000 on a handbag (no offense to my friends that do) I would say you are using the same judgement in going for the chipped nails. 

This one, of course, is my fave:

“I don’t think you can get away with it if you’re a woman of a certain age,” she said. What’s a certain age? “Anybody over 35,” she replied.”

All I can say to that is “kill me now, already”. 

I leave you with this thought. What if next month they tell us that toilet paper on your shoe is the height of fashion… but only if you are wearing a pair of Jimmy Choo, Christian Louboutin or Manolo Blahnik.

You girls wearing Nine West… you just have simply left the bathroom in shameful ignorance!

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How to fit a 10 lb. dorm room into 5 lbs of luggage

Unbelievable! 9 months have passed since we left her standing there on State Street to begin her new life.

9 months! It took that long to grow her 19 years ago. All I can say is that I am thankful that she did not accumulate this much stuff in utero.

This room is not that big, and she only inhabited half of it, how could she possibly have THIS MUCH STUFF!

Enter… THE SPACE BAG. (this needs music in the background)

My friends, these are the Spanx of packing! And why, must I ask, am I always in the business of reducing things to small spaces? I discovered these when we moved her out there. They became a mild obsession. I spaced bagged everything in sight. The dog was quite nervous.

You cram the stuff into them and virtually suck the air out. Down coat,…less than an inch thick. Comforter… paper thin. Underwear… non existent.

Space Bags…priceless.

This experience took on somewhat of a game show atmosphere. Buy boxes and packing materials in the lobby of the dorm at highly inflated prices. Run upstairs and pack everything that is to be stored, dry cleaned, laundered and shipped in less than 23 hours, applying the bar code labels from the equally inflated storage company. Climb over roommate and her mother doing the same thing. All in a 10×12 space. Everybody circle to the left.

Cram remaining items in existing luggage. Drink heavily. Repeat in August.

Which brings me to…

May is the new June and August is the new September. 

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child support

here is a new take on that concept. my daughter, being thrilled with the whole idea of the blog, sends me this IM:

stand by your mom


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spanx, dunkin’ donuts and the fear of youtube

how can you resist a title like that one? 

you have all been here at one point. (except my friend joanne who did not know what spanx were… bitch!) 9PM the night before an event with ‘nothing to wear’. you have just about finished emptying the contents of your closet onto your bed. there are shoes and clothes everywhere and your husband calls innocently from downstairs, ‘hey, what’s up?’

your response in the voice of some horror film character, ‘don’t even THINK of coming up here!’ 

then you find it. that little black dress that you have had so long you forgot about it. the one that you would have spent 4 days trying to find if you were to go shopping (if the event were not the next day and a 3 hour drive from your house)

great. problem solved. well, almost. 

that 10-year-old dress will surely need ‘a foundation garment’ (i started my career at a lingerie company) enter the spanx. we love these. they suck you in and flatten you out. but if you attempt to wear these for the 3 hour drive you will surely need to be hospitalized for gastro-intestinal damage. so you figure you can stop and change in the bathroom at a dunkin’ donuts off I-95.

until you remember last week’s headline:

Hidden Camera Found In Dunkin’ Donuts Bathroom

Shop Employee Arraigned On Charges Of Unlawful Surveillance

KINGS PARK, N.Y. (AP) ― A doughnut shop worker installed a surveillance camera in the women’s bathroom at work and watched the footage from a computer in his car, police said Sunday.

JUST GREAT! my worst nightmare. what if this is a trend and the whole eastern seaboard is riddled with DD employees filming bathroom scenes. i can see it now, i log onto my computer monday morning and there is a link from my biggest client to a youtube vid of me squeezing my fat ass into a pair of spanx! it doesn’t get any worse than that!

lesson learned? get there early enough to check into the hotel and change.

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