Tag Archives: menopause

Hot Flash Cool Down Necklace

Ok this one is a first. Yesterday I received an email hawking a necklace that claims to cool down your hot flashes. I love the site that was giving it away so this is by no means a dis to them or their promotion. In fact, this item must be doing really well because they have sold over 5,000 of them and have been featured on all sorts of mainstream media. But for blog humor purposes –  and what else really matters – I could not resist.

If you have ever had a hot flash, or slept next to one,  it sort of sounds like a good idea. What a lovely Mother’s Day gift. “Here honey, I bought you some jewelry”. She gets all, ‘oh what a sweet guy, I love you so much’ on you until she opens the box and sees you have purchased a hot flash necklace with the condescending name of – get this, ‘Hot Girls Pearls‘.

Ummmm, not the kind of hot girl this crazy meno-mama wants to be called. Just a tip guys, when she opens the box, you might want to duck out of the way when she throws these at you. They look like they might hurt on impact. I am thinking a good solid black eye could occur if her aim is good.

Please, no disrespect to the inventor of these babies. They could be very effective and lord knows we are looking for a way to cool down. But seriously, who really wants to wear a necklace modeled after the one that Wilma Flintstone wore.

Just saying.

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Filed under humor, products

Do you lose your boobs?

True story:

A daughter is still new to the menstruation game. She is young and can really do without it. Honestly, she does not see the point. Her mom tries to shed some light on the subject.

Mom: Honey, as a girl matures, things happen to her body. She gets her period, she starts to grow breasts, and her body changes. Right before your period every month you can tend to be a little moody.

Daughter: I know, but why?

Mom: Well, this is all the beginning of changing a girl’s body into a woman’s body. And then as a woman gets older, like mommy, she goes through something called menopause. Her body changes again and she stops getting her period. And again she can tend to be a little moody.

Daughter: Oh no mom! Does that mean you are going to lose your boobs?!

Mom: (Laughing) Um, no not exactly. But they sure don’t look like they used to.

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Menopause or Malaria?

Ok, here’s the thing. As my 50th year draws to a close I had this expectation that the night sweats would take a hike with the Big 5-0. But the other night I woke up pretty sure that I was suffering from some rare disease spawning the fever from hell.

Me: I think I might have Malaria.

Gary: Pretty sure you don’t.

Me: West Nile Virus?

Gary: Nope.

What the hell does he know. I thought of going to the doctor. Imagine this conversation if I did go:

Me: I think I have Malaria.

Doc: Really? Have you traveled lately?

Me: Madison, WI

Doc: I meant someplace more third-world or jungle-like. Someplace exotic.

Me: Have you ever been to Madison, it is pretty exotic.

Figuring that if I did go and we had a this conversation, now would be about the time he would throw me the hell out of his office.

So I suppose I probably don’t have Malaria. Or the sinus infection I was sure was brewing. And the fire-starter hot flashes that start in the small of my back and spread through me like a Colorado wildfire are just something I am going to have to live with just a little bit longer.

Either that or maybe I can find someone that I can convince of my Malaria status.

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Warning: Florida can cause manopause in teenage boys

Me: Danny, what’s wrong.

Danny: First it is so hot in this house, then it’s freezing. Then it’s hot again. I feel like a menopausal woman!

I love that boy!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Menopause, Mercury in Retrograde and other Mania

Mercury1I can’t sleep. All forms of technology are going wacky. Appliances are on the blink. I feel like I am in groundhogs day. I am hot. I am cold. I am bloated. I am starving. I can’t complete a task, let alone multi-task. The sun is in my eyes. There is a bump in the bowling alley. The dog ate my homework.

I am in a funk (and I am NEVER in a funk!)

Ok, you get the point. Things are just a little amiss these days. I could have written it off to turning 50, menopause (because everything gets blamed on that) or simply cyclical mania which I suppose I can be accused of being prone to. Hell, I could even blame it all on being the Magnet For The Absurd.

But thankfully both Yogamom (2nd shout out to you, babe) and my sister-in-law have pointed out that Mercury is in Retrograde from September 7th till October 18th and that crazy devil, that cosmic trickster, can cause all types of problems. And what, you ask, does this actually mean? Read this from astrology.com:

A planet is described as retrograde when it appears to be moving backwards through the zodiac. According to modern science, this traditional concept arises in the illusory planetary motion created by the orbital rotation of the earth with relation to other planets in our solar system. Planets are never actually retrograde or stationary, they just seem that way due to this cosmic shadow-play. Click here for more on the science of retrograde planetary motion.

Huh?

Whatevs. My takeaway on this is simply things will be back to normal on October 18th.

Define normal!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Top Ten Search Terms (vol.2)

I will be shamelessly self-promoting my new photo blog, leaving the zip code, here from now on. You won’t be disappointed, I promise. Let’s see if some of you will take the ‘submit’ challenge.

This one was really hard to narrow down to only 10, so I cheated and put all the tampons in as one listing. They were all too funny to leave any out.

As I did last month, I have linked these to the posts I think the search yielded:

10. petafile aroiund my neiborhood (uh, do we have a spelling issue going on here? this link is a stretch but I could not think of what else they found with that)

9. victim nail polish (I was once a victim to nail polish but I went into therapy and now I am good)

8. highway to hell photo code (wait, is there a password to get into hell?)

7. does menopause make women irrational and (Duh!! No, these hormones are not a problem sonny, just don’t come near me when I have a knife in my hand. I cannot help but wonder what came after the ‘and’…homicidal? frankly psychotic? certifiably insane? any other suggestions?)

6. mars cheerleaders (imagine the outfits they would be wearing)

5. decision ball outlook so so (this is a pretty wishy-washy magic eight ball, no?)

4. okay to drive baby in convertible? (helloooo, if you have to ask we should get your number and call social services)

3. acronym for burnt mouth from hot pizza (that would have to be BMFHP?)

2. adirondack milfs (I believe this may be an impossibility, have you ever been to the adirondacks?)

1. tampons don’t work (um, maybe you need to change it more often),  yank out tampon  (ouch, must you yank?)strategies for getting tampon out (this one should be pretty simple, did you not know that was what the string was for?) and the all time fave…

obama covered with tampons (just the visual alone is hysterical. yes I posted about this one already, so sue me)

There were a few more that I loved, but I need to be selective, right? Feel free to vote for your faves. And claim any of them if they were yours.

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Filed under absurdities, humor, search engine terms, searches, Uncategorized

Top Ten Search Terms (vol 1.)

It is great fun to check the stats section on WordPress and see what search terms have led people to this blog. Below you will find my top ten for the month. Each one has a link (or links) to the posts they must have found – and of course a little commentary.

I am thinking this will be a fun thing to do at the end of every month.

10. big sandwich: this could be one of two: F the Botox. Eat a Big Sandwich or Sandwich Generation, (hold the mayo)

9. what to do if mice are in the basement: Chairman of the Basement (but now that they mention it I am pretty sure there are mice living in the wall of my office)

8. what makes a car stink?: Remember the Stink in Seinfeld’s Car?

7. lab dies at groomers, July 2008: ooo, that sounds awful, my story is just funny. Dog in Street…

6. nail salon dead baby: (I am a bit concerned about why someone would keyword this, aren’t you?)The Grim Reaper at the Nail Salon

5. used her thong to save her life: no, no you silly searcher, that was the bra that saved her:Bras Save Lives (or mammary survival techniques) the thong caused injury worthy of a lawsuit: Thong Danger

4. tampon daughter: Bowling for Tampons (with or without your daughter this is fun) or more likely Do Not Flush Tampons… EVER

3. lazy jew parents send kids to camp: ouch! I will try to let that one slide in the name of being a readership whore. Sleepaway. 10 for 2.

2. i could cry but i don’t want to: I am thinking this person has missed the whole point and probably does not get my sense of humor.

and my number one fave – as I have asked this question many times…

1. am i menopausal or insane: Rebranding Menopause.

Thanks for playing folks and tune back in at the end of next month for more crazy search antics.

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Burning Mouth Syndrome?!

Yes, this is a real thing. (no that is not a picture of my actual tongue)

So of course if it is weird, I would get it, right?

A few months ago I started to have these odd symptoms like my mouth was burned. You know, like when you eat really hot pizza and you feel as if the roof of your mouth has turned to melted string cheese? (nice visual, right?).

Off I went to my dentist who gave me this speech about ‘women in their menopausal years’ yadayadayada. Another reason why menopause needs rebranding – tying all these nasty disorders to this lovely time of life. Then he comes up with an article from the Yale Taste Lab. I mean really, does this place actually exist? (it surely does) Imagine what a party it is in that place everyday. On top of menopause these Ivy League geniuses tied this to anxiety, depression, stress… the usual suspects. After all, everyone knows that women of a certain age are all crazy bee-otches, right? (husband, please do not answer that question, it was rhetorical)

I mentioned this to my new bbff (best blog friend forever) Liz, at Flashfree who had just done a post on menopause and taste. I hit send and within hours she had researched the hell out of this and done another amazing post about BMS, complete with a groovy youtube vid of the Trammps’ Disco Inferno (burn baby burn). That song NEVER gets old, does it? Thanks Liz, you rock.

Bottom line? There are all sorts of treatments. None proven.

Except of course the fact that if there is an odd symptom out there, chances are someone in my house will have it.

Ice pop, anyone?

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Filed under health, humor, women

Rebranding Menopause


Let’s face it, there is nothing cool, glamorous or fun about menopause. Pre, peri, post… all of it rings of insane women aging not-so-gracefully.

This idea of rebranding started when speaking to a dear (male) friend that I have known for many years. We were at a big party and it seemed more than one woman asked to have the AC turned up. Which turns to the obvious conversation about menopause. My friend said he thought that the name was the problem. Bad branding if you will. Let us dissect it for a moment. Men (bad start) O (extraneous letter) Pause… hmmm what does that MEAN?

Being the wiseass that I am, I asked “What should we call it then? Irrational bitches that sweat too much?” His answer was charming, “A better name would be – I will see you next Tuesday.” Cute right?

What name would better describe menopause with more dignity?

Let’s think about it this. Is the problem really in the branding? Or is the assumption that, not unlike when women are younger and everything is blamed on ‘she’s on the rag’, that a woman of ‘a certain age’ is always in the hot seat (no pun) when her behavior is erratic because she is doing ‘The Menopause Thang!’ (was this a James Brown song?)

Back to the rebranding idea. I once worked on a pitch for an erectile disfunction drug. A pharma co. spent a million dollars on a focus group exploring the idea of renaming erectile disfunction. What these geniuses came up with was that it was not, in fact, the name that was the probem, but more the condition itself. DUH! 

So, my friends, I think it is safe to say that renaming anything that basically sucks does not change it’s level of suckage. 

Now I need to go and turn the AC to the temp of a meat locker so I can sleep tonight.

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