As you may know, I am all about girl power. I have raised a strong daughter and a son who has a healthy respect for women who feel good about themselves. We take pride in feeling good about who we are and blah, blah, blah blah, blah… This post features two women who surely take their ideas of strong body image to new places.
Lovely painting, no? Pretty colors. Interesting textures. Makes you feel sort of warm and happy and optimistic about your day, right? And the best part about this baby is it was painted by boobies.
Ok, sort of an infantile thing to say. But seriously, all I had to do was vow to blog again and that old Magnet For The Absurd kavorka reactivated like you won’t believe. First, I signed onto Facebook today to find this post about boob painting from Taxi, one of my favorite sites.
Yes, boob painting. Marcey Hawk, a rather well endowed young woman, has chosen to take her two best assets and use them to paint with, taking the idea of body painting to a whole new level. This chick certainly is creative. I won’t get into her different methods here, you can read about them over on that Taxi post. The paintings are actually not bad and some of the world’s most famous bad boys are collectors.
As most of my early mornings are spent with post sharing – some professional, some just entertaining – I shared this one. Little did I know that one of my favorite cybergurls would counterpost me in the comments with one of the more outrageous things I have ever seen. And you know me, I thrive on the outrageous. Not easy to make me both wish I had unseen something and be ever so grateful that she shared it.
This one comes with a warning, it is surely not for the faint of heart. You see, as they used to say when I was in High School… tits are for kids. This, my friends, is a video about Vaginal Knitting.
No you did not read that wrong, this crazy Aussie is a ‘performer craftivist’ who spent 28 days in a gallery knitting from a skein of wool that she inserts in… her hey nanny nanny, so to speak. My favorite quote:
It’s unusual and confining. It’s restrictive, but no, it’s not painful. People push babies out of there, it’s a pretty robust area.
Honestly, even if I had not decided to blog again, this one would have taken me out of hibernation.
Oddly enough I have written about both bacon and condoms in a single post before. I suppose no one who reads this blog finds that odd, actually.
Does a post like this really need any commentary? Doesn’t the actual existence of bacon flavored condoms speak for itself.
Not on your life.
Ok, the tagline… ‘make your meat, look like meat’. The second part in bold, no less. Um yeh, we get it.
I would prefer something along the lines of – ‘because you’re smokin’. Or maybe something as simple as ‘the meat lover’s protection’. Or something corny like ‘because you never know who you might meat’ Or maybe, ‘because you can never get enough protien’
And the snipe on the top left of the box ‘it never look so good, it never tasted better’. You know… IT. Like “he took IT out” – Elaine Bennis.
But the tagline and the snipe are not the big winners on this baby. Oh no. What really puts this product over the top is that unbelievable line ‘lubricated with baconlube’. Do you think this is authentic?
Doorbell rings. Dog barks. UPS man drives away. And there on my front stoop is a big old box from Cafepress.com.
Hmmm, what can this be? I open it up and there are 16 neatly wrapped identical square packages. I open the first one and there it is… the perfect MFTA mug.
Thanks to (uncle) Neal, who not only named me the MFTA but is not under any circumstances my uncle – and I still have no idea why we call him that. But he is surely as much my family as anyone who carries my bloodline. And knows me better than most.
The best part of this story is poor Neal had shoulder surgery last week and under the influence of some pretty crazy prescription drugs did not realize that instead of ordering 4 mugs he was ordering 4 sets of 4 mugs. I am thinking of planning an absurdity brunch. Imagine the criteria for an invitation!
Once again… I am the magnet for the absurd.
Thanks Neal, for the mugs, and for truly appreciating the finer points of my insanity. Love you, man.
Hell yeh, let’s Party like crazy with some fart whistles! What could be better?
No, this is not a mock pack of something I dreamed up inside my sordid little mind. These suckers are right off the shelf of the party section at Target. I only regret I did not buy a case of these. Seriously, can you think of a party where these would not be a big hit?
I believe they are simply the fart part of the the whoopie cushion without the pillow part.
But please parents, no matter how tempting, do not buy these for kids under 5, there is a choking hazard warning. I am not sure if they would actually choke or simply fart uncontrollably from their mouths as they are tubular and allow the air to pass through. Perhaps it would more correctly be a die of embarrassment hazard.
In case you are wondering why I bought them, other than the obvious need to blog about this little morsel of MFTA…
They were part of my son’s 18 birthday presents. I will have to ask him how they worked out in the dorm. (hopefully not in library).
A big thank you to my friend J. from J-Two-O, who sent me this today.
I am almost speechless. I said ALMOST. You know I can not shut up when I see stuff like this.
This is one of those products that I wish I had invented. It is so incredibly silly that I will laugh every time I see it. And the commercial is perfection. Please watch it:
I have been walking around the house bellowing “Handerpants, Handerpants, HANDERPANTS!” to the point where I am sure my family is ready to kill me. (no, it is not all fun, games and dildos in this house).
I suppose I can truly relate to these because he called me out on three of my main core competencies. No, I am not a Narwhal Aficionado, but after I google narwhal perhaps I might be.And I do know that they have a Narwhal Aficionado Facebook group with 68 kinda have nothing else to do members.
I digress, the groups I fall under in the commercial are Graphic Designers, Night Bloggers (duh) and Twitterers. Oh and I might, at some times of the month, be considered a Mutation.
A few other favorites: Ninjas with Delicate Hands, (or those who use Kiehls products), Dungaree inspectors (translation for anyone under 45, that would be jeans), Cryptozoologists (google that one yourself), Wall Street Tycoons (not your most popular crowd these days) and Hobos (x-Wall Street Tycoons).
Honestly, I think I might have to buy a few pair of these tighty whiteys for my digits. They are just too great to pass up.
I found out they are sold by my friends at Archie McPhee who were so kind as to send me a wonderful package the last time I blogged about their products: The Evolving Darwin Playset and The Flesh Eating Zombie Playset. Hey guys, I don’t mean to be pigish but I fit 3 of your profiles for this product, perhaps a pair or two and I promise to write about them again! And wear them to functions and take pictures!
Here is a little Magnet for the Absurd (MFTA) moment brought to you by my BBFF (best blog friend forever)Liz. For those who are regular readers, I have deemed myself the MFTA because, well because I can, but also because oddities seem to present themselves to me quite often. Now when people see absurdities they send them to me to blog about. How wonderful since I really did not have much else to say today.
This lovely product seems to have many uses. It is for those who do Butt Busting activities as well as those who sit on their but all day which makes their target market…
Since you probably can’t read the fine print it says:
‘Absorbs excess sweat and reduces frictional skin irritation.’ According to my son, I believe this condition is called ‘swamp ass’. (hey, he is 17, they have very frank descriptors)
It is also ‘Ideal for butt busting activities such as motorcycling, truck driving, horseback riding, bicycling and other extreme sports.’
A little hop over to their website is quite entertaining. Seems they have expanded the line into a ‘Lady Anti Monkey Butt’ and they sell apparel and merch too. I love the copy in the top bar of the site “Is your butt irritated?”
Hey you could powder your ass with this stuff and then put on a brand spanking new pair of Uranus underwear. This seems like the grown up version of Butt Paste, also brought to my attention by a reader. Yes, I am an infant. Did I not prove this when I posted about Doodyman, Call-A-Head and the Modern Toilet restaurant.
We all get them from time to time. Those outrageous emails that either inform you of the millions you can claim from some Nigerian bank or the those that are complete nonsense and sound like a foreigner randomly picked words to string together.
This morning I woke up to one of the best ones I have ever received. I have decided since I am truly the Magnet For the Absurd (MFTA) I am going to brand this sucker. So for now on when you see this logo you will know what to expect.
Here is today’s email:
Subject: Equal had awakened them and his.
Copied to: A2disco@optonline.net (I LOVE this email address)
Message: a black in plain clothes and yellow slippers who was gliding to recognise his style immediately. go ashore; and looked upon the spires, and roofs and smoke, of
That was it, typos and grammatical errors and all. Left me hanging with ‘of’. Of what, for crap sake?! How could this Sonja Bryan (email@example.com) have left me hanging at such a crucial point in the story?
Oh how I long to know what happens to this ‘black in plain clothes and yellow slippers’. Perhaps I will start a new series where we fill in the story where it leaves off.
Any takers? Feel free to continue writing this story in the comments.
I have always noticed the oddities out there in the world. Even before this blog became the catch-all for all things crazy, they always found me.
Now that I have deemed myself the Magnet For the Absurd it seems to have stuck. In the last 2 weeks people have sent me all sorts of oddly humorous and offbeat things, via every technology possible. I thought it would be fun to share a few.
This came from an old friend via email:
Driving cross country. Now in arizona. Just passed a billboard and thought of you: Ostrich Eggs. Meteorites. 50% off.
This was from a friend via Facebook:
I thought of your photos and your blog yesterday while passing through Frenchtown on our way home from Elon U. . . we noticed a street sign stating ” Saturday is cancelled” — found it to be funny . . . and maybe something I should send along to my two kids away at school?!
And these two pics came via text message from Sedona:
I particularly love the ‘Est. Before Mankind’. Nice touch.
These submissions prove to me that people do see the absurdities out there, they simply never had a place to share them.