It seems a day does not go by lately that I do not receive some sort of email notifying me of some fortune that I stand to inherit. I must be on some sort of sucker list. If I did not find them so entertaining it would probably bother me. If my calculations are correct, over the past 6 months I could have received somewhere in the neighborhood of 75 million bucks – that would surely take the edge off!
Today I received the best one yet. How’s this for an opening line:
“We are writing you to know if it’s true that you are DEAD?”
I have to admit, I was intrigued by that one. They had me at ‘are you dead?’ I like their strategic use of caps. If you scan it quickly you see DEAD 3 times with a nice sign off of MAY YOUR SOUL REST IN PEACE. Because, you know, my soul will certainly be receiving emails wherever it may go. I mean, don’t think a little detail like being DEAD will stop me from being well connected.
How about this for a line: “All we need to confirm now is your been DEAD or still Alive. Because the MAN’S message brought shock to our minds.” Quite touching if you ask me, grammar not withstanding.
“May the peace of the Lord be with you wherever you may be now.”(and may that place have Gmail access – Amen.)
Sometimes the comments that get caught in my spam filter are the funniest thing in my day. This one surely does not disappoint. I am leaving the links so all you perverts out there can check them out. (yes, someone actually owns and operates – no pun intended – ‘penisenlargement.com . What a great snag that url was, huh?)
HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia xyzrxyz penis enlargement xyzrxyz and being forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will kill me. xyzrxyz penis enlargementxyzrxyz They’re coming back now. xyzrxyz vimax xyzrxyz Please send help! nitip vimax
I feel kind of guilty that there is a chance this guy was killed by the Russian mafia because I did not approve his comment.
We all get them. These stupid spam emails that come from all sorts of ridiculous sender names. They have silly subject lines and almost all of them lead to a canadian pharmacy website peddling erectile dysfunction drugs. I always wonder why I get these emails. Am I targeted for being the type of woman whose penis envy is suffering from erectile dysfunction?
I found today’s email particularly entertaining. Let me break this one down.
Senders Name:Summer Flumerfelt. Now there is a porn star name if I ever heard one. Seriously, when did your flumer last get felt properly? Season or month first names always seem so fitting for porn stars.
Subject: You would, would you? Hmmm, cryptic, no? Definitive yet questioning. Or maybe this makes no sense at all but keeps us guessing that maybe we just are not sophisticated enough to get it. I love the two ‘woulds’ flanked by the two ‘yous’. Is anyone else out there as fascinated by sentence construction as I am? Did the writer even get that they were doing that? Do I have too much time on my hands today? (that last one was rhetorical)
Message:Treat-libido-problems-^efficently.. I guess the hypens between the words are an indication that this is some auto-generated messaging. Not sure about the other senseless punctuation but the message made me laugh. I can see wanting to treat a rash or dandruff efficiently, but libido? I would prefer treating that a notch or two above efficiently.
url link: http://unfake.it/smJOI almost missed the message in the middle of this one:
Unfake it.
I think that needs to be added to my t-shirt line!
We all get them from time to time. Those outrageous emails that either inform you of the millions you can claim from some Nigerian bank or the those that are complete nonsense and sound like a foreigner randomly picked words to string together.
This morning I woke up to one of the best ones I have ever received. I have decided since I am truly the Magnet For the Absurd (MFTA) I am going to brand this sucker. So for now on when you see this logo you will know what to expect.
Here is today’s email:
Subject: Equal had awakened them and his.
Copied to: A2disco@optonline.net (I LOVE this email address)
Message: a black in plain clothes and yellow slippers who was gliding to recognise his style immediately. go ashore; and looked upon the spires, and roofs and smoke, of
That was it, typos and grammatical errors and all. Left me hanging with ‘of’. Of what, for crap sake?! How could this Sonja Bryan (wilsonqupafa47@finessraeder.de) have left me hanging at such a crucial point in the story?
Oh how I long to know what happens to this ‘black in plain clothes and yellow slippers’. Perhaps I will start a new series where we fill in the story where it leaves off.
Any takers? Feel free to continue writing this story in the comments.
If you have every tried to upload a link to Facebook, you have seen this window before. This is a security feature on many blogs and social media applications called ‘captcha’. You are required to type the words in the box in order to continue with a comment or link. This feature helps to eliminate spam and ensures that a real live person is creating the link or comment.
The other day I was posting a blog link and these are key words that came up. This got me to wondering if the catcha words are targeted like the ads are. Will the next one I come upon be ‘need botox’? Or perhaps ‘crazy bee-otch’?
Ahhh, maybe I am just paranoid. But honestly, I am starting to embrace what appears to be the first showing of my senility.
These lovely morsels came to my attention from my old friend Nina (thanks Nin). I love when people send me disgusting things to blog about. Makes me feel I have really honed my brand. You know, everyone in the blogosphere has now become ‘a brand’, guess mine is the queen of absurdities.
Back to the, um, PORK BRAINS?! People really eat these? They make Spam look like health food. Check out the circled portion of the label. 1170% cholesterol. What? I don’t get that.
Looking at the ingredients, I was rather impressed that this can is almost 100% brains. Seriously, do you know anything that is 100% brains? Would you want to? Sure there is some milk but there is less than 2% water, corn starch, salt and sodium nitrite. You know, all those pesky additives that are bad for you. Not like good wholesome BRAINS OF A FRIGGIN’ PIG.
Last week I wrote about Spam. I had a wonderful time learning all about the resurgence of this mother of all loaves. I found out that there was a Spam Museum, visited its website and Gary and I fell in love with the place. Especially the tagline, Better Than an Art Museum.
To my delight, one of my readers informed me that she and her husband had actually visited the place. Again proof that I have very giving blog friends.
I was out of my mind when she was so kind to send me the following photos. Thank you Casey Leigh for making my day and sharing your trip with us. (if you think I am not going to this place you are crazy).
Here is Casey on a statue called “Off to Slaughter” – what a lovely family place.
Next, we have her hubby, Carl, with Spammy. Oh Carl, you are such a good sport. We could surely hang out with you. Wait, is this a statue or is there someone inside that Spammy suit?
Gary, when we go there can I play the ham and eggs computer game. Please, please, please!
Family, please note the countertop around the placemat, if the background was pink that would be Nana’s kitchen counter. I LOVE when she channels!
Am I living in a time warp traveling at light speed back to my childhood? Could Spam actually be back on the top of the food charts? What next, Velveeta – the spam of cheeses? Vienna sausages?
Believe it or not, Spam made it to the cover of Saturday’s NYT business section. Andrew Martin wrote a comprehensive article about Spam sales in the down economy that gave me way more information than I ever cared to know about the grisly little cake of gelatinous gooey meat product. There were however some great factoids I have to share here:
1. They market Spam with the tagline “Crazy Tasty”. I LOVE that. I wonder how long they have used that.
2. Austin, MN advertises itself as Spamtown and has 13 restaurant with Spam on the menu. (Note to self: do not take Gary here, there will be no egg white omelettes, bagels with a schmeer or Earl Grey tea with honey)
3. There is a Spam Museum where you can buy Spam ties (Rik, you need this account) as well as many other wonderful Spam gift items. The tagline is “Sure Beats an Art Museum”. I swear. I am crying from this. You should see me here in the command center, hysterical laughing. I am so easily amused. I MUST visit this place. Gary’s 50th was a trip to the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. Same guests, please pack your bags in September, my 50th is going to be in Austin, MN.
4. Because it is vacuum sealed, Spam can last for years. They say it is “like meat with a pause button”. Ew, I am sorry, that is just not right.
5. On a recent day 149,950 cans of Spam were made on the day shift. That’s a hell of a lot of Spam. Perhaps we should start watching Hormel’s stock.
Some other products with soaring sales are Velveeta (I read that after I wrote the first paragraph, I must be a trend forecaster), pancake mixes, boxed mac and cheese, instant potatoes, Jell-O and Kool-aid. Wait, did someone just open my mom’s pantry cabinet of 1968? Are canned string beans on this list too? Do they still make Fizzies? I friggin’ loved root beer Fizzies. Anyone? Fizzies? Was it just me?
So, what? We throw out all that we have learned about healthy eating and go back to high fat and preservative foods to save money? Hmmm… cyclical. What’s old is new again.
Spam is the new fois gras. Honestly, they look the same to me.
Since this post has made me nostalgic for my childhood days, I will leave you with one of my favorite Monty Python skits. Jeanne, this one’s for you babe. (email subscribers, click over the blog to watch this, it will make you laugh)
i could cry but i don't have time 
Funniest Spam Comment Ever!
Sometimes the comments that get caught in my spam filter are the funniest thing in my day. This one surely does not disappoint. I am leaving the links so all you perverts out there can check them out. (yes, someone actually owns and operates – no pun intended – ‘penisenlargement.com . What a great snag that url was, huh?)
HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia xyzrxyz penis enlargement xyzrxyz and being forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will kill me. xyzrxyz penis enlargementxyzrxyz They’re coming back now. xyzrxyz vimax xyzrxyz Please send help! nitip vimax
I feel kind of guilty that there is a chance this guy was killed by the Russian mafia because I did not approve his comment.
Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.
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Tagged as blog comments, penis enlargement, russian mafia, spam, vimax