Tag Archives: fasting

The Colonoscopy: A recap in 3 acts

Act One: Scheduling the appointment

Me: Hello, I would like to schedule an appointment for my colonoscopy.

Receptionist: Oh, we have an opening on the 28th at noon.

Me: (thinking ‘an opening’ was a poor choice of words) I will take it.

Understanding that this was the Friday of a holiday weekend I figured it would be a good day to take off, and I jumped at the idea of the weight loss.

Yes I am extremely shallow.

Act Two: The pre-prep (I will spare you the actual prep because I am classier than that)

Me: What flavor Gatorade should I mix the Miralax with?

Danny: Yellow

Gary: Yellow

Jana: Yellow

I bought grape.

Oh, and yellow – I am not an idiot! I did the taste test and under the advisement of Jana’s boyfriend decided on yellow because he said I would get sick of the grape after the second glass.

Jana: OMG you are mixing that ENTIRE bottle of Miralax* into that Gatorade, that is like a month’s worth!

Me: Yeh, I know. I thought that is why you were going to stay at Corey’s house for the night.

You will be happy to know that after I fasted for 24 hours and had been starving for a day Gary came home and made himself probably the most delicious smelling omelette ever made on the face of this earth.

I asked him why he didn’t bake a chocolate cake right after that too.

* I would like to mention that on the side of the Miralax package it states that your stool may become soft and runny… um is that not the point of a laxative?

Act Three: Phone call with a friend after the colonoscopy was finished

Friend: How are you feeling?

Me: Not bad, actually. It was just like any other Friday at work except this time I was sedated before I got reamed up the ass.

Friend: I guess I should tell you my daughter is in the car and I am on speakerphone (note: daughter is in college)

Me: Well, now is as good a time as any for her to hear about the real world.

Daughter: Thanks Amy, I really appreciate that.


Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Time to (laugh till you) Cry Tuesday

Smoked Salmon Bagel

Jews were not meant to go without food.

It is a simple fact that without caloric intake, and surely caffeine, things can go haywire.

Big time.

Antics. That is the only way to explain the absurdity of the end of my day. Amy antics. To the nth degree.

Keep in mind that the patriarchs in the family are hearing about this for the first time with this blog post, so to my dad and father-in-law, sorry the bagels were not warmed up and really, it was all my fault.

Here goes. And understand that there is no way you could make this stuff up.

I, in my control freak fashion infinite kindness, tried to help my mother-in-law out by picking up the food for break fast and keeping it in my garage fridge so it would not spoil. On cooler days she can keep it on her terrace, but in the name of not wanting rancid smoked fish and egg salad, we offered to keep it here and bring it over to her house at 5 when my husband and the dads went back to closing services for Yom Kippur.

For reasons of logistics I was taking my dad’s car. I loaded the trunk, closed it and realized I had just…

locked the keys in the trunk!

Yeh, well that did not suck much. I was going to run to my parents house (35 minutes away) to get another set of keys when my mother-in-law, in her infinite wisdom suggested AAA. The fact that she was not ready to kill me at this point is truly amazing.

I begged the guy on the phone to get here ASAP telling him how my dad was going to kill me. Then promptly told him how old I was when he replied, “hey, I am 62 and I am still afraid of my mother! She used to chase me with a wooden spoon.” Alrighty, then.

Sure enough they sent a locksmith within in the hour.

My man Andre! Oh, how I loved him. Especially when we found out that the trunk release button did not work unless the key was in the ignition. If you are still with me here, THE KEYS WERE IN THE DAMN TRUNK. He used the little entry to the trunk through the armrest in the back seat and somehow navigated around platters and bagels and kugels to find those keys. And during it all gave some sage-like advice about some higher reason why we should not be where we were supposed to be at that moment and that is why this happened.

Zen locksmith.

And then it started to rain.

Luckily we got there about 15 minutes before the starving temple guys and made a quick effort of getting it all together.

Sorry dad, but don’t worry, the car is fine. Thanks to my mother-in-law for being such a good sport and my mom for staying calm and sharing a good (nervous) laugh through it all.

Moral of the story:

Stay out of it and risk the rancid fish on the terrace.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, family, holidays, humor, Time to Cry Tuesdays