Category Archives: Uncategorized

January 14, 2009 · 11:32 pm

15 years ago I was really nuts!

jana4thinvitepdf2You think I am crazy now, you should have known me when my kids were little.

For those who did, you might remember this invitation to Jana’s 4th birthday party. For those who didn’t, this invitation was hand-drawn to match the fabric of the dress she wore to the party. But no, I did not stop there, the cake was also decorated with the same art. Nope, not one of those Carvel photo cakes. Yes that was me at 3 in the morning decorating the cake.

What would I have done if she spilled something on that dress before the party?

What a psycho! I suppose this was all part of my working mom, over-compensation, do it all, be everything to everyone, I am as good as any stay at home mom if it kills me sort of thing. Before all these terms existed I was a DIY (Do It Yourself), WAHM (Work At Home Mom), who always felt a little inadequate with the SAHMs (Stay At Home Moms) and had to prove I was worthy. Now I just want to be a MILF (sorry, no translations if you don’t know what that one is. And not really but it was a funny way to end this paragraph).

The day before the party I had lunch with a client who had become a dear friend. When she asked why I was so exhausted I told her of all the party preparations. That is when she reached across the table, put her hand on mine and said, “Hon, it’s time to stop the nonsense, order the damn Carvel cake and call it a day!” Her thought was that this surely meant more to me than the 4-year-old and in the long run this would not be the stuff she would remember.

Fast forward 15 years, Jana and I just talked about this and laughed the other day. Then today she decided to organize one of my many piles of pictures and momentos in my office. And what fell out of the pile onto the desk…

you guessed it, the invite art!

And you know what? We BOTH remembered it. I can laugh at how important this stuff was to me back then, but I am sure I would not change it if I could do it all over.

Once a psycho, always a psycho!

Now where are those magic markers…

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 10, 2009 · 12:20 am

Mantyhose, the Perfect Mansierre Companion

mantyhose2hmedium

Once again, my nephew has fed me another absurdity to share with my readers (thanks Matt).

Ladies and gentleman, I bring you:

Mantyhose! Not your mother’s pantyhose. (nice tagline)

Back in November I brought you the man bra, or what we Seinfeld fans like to call the Mansierre. Women, humor me for a moment and think of your significant other in a pair of these. Or better yet, everyone picture you dad. Your favorite professor. Your pediatrician. The gardner. Oh, I could keep going with this one, the visuals are fabulous. Oh wait…

The plumber! No more butt crack worries if he is wearing a pair of Mantyhose.

I love the ‘male comfort panel with convenient fly opening’. Guys, you will never have to know the joys or a pantyhose waistband around your knees while squatting over a public toilet.

My favorite part? Mild compression. I would imagine mild compression would be a nice sensation whereas tight compression could become a problem.

Want to purchase a pair? You can do that here.

Enjoy!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 8, 2009 · 7:57 pm

Lingerie or Purse?

bustier-bag_small

If I ever doubted why I carry a camera in my bag at all times this little frivolity confirmed my desire to always have one handy.

When I see an item like this I wonder if it were transported to a different context might it be seen as the hottest fashion craze? Hang one off the arm of an Olsen twin and these things would be flying off the shelves instead of hanging on the sale rack. The very same sale section where I spotted the Ricky Martin lunchbox back in October.

The odd thing is that these items were not found in a novelty store. I saw them at Pearl Paint, an art and craft supply mega-store that I always make excuses to visit as often as possible. This is the art supply store of my formative art student years. I simply feel better in those aisles with all those tubes and brushes. Yeh well, ok.

This bustier purse begs the question, “What art supply store buyer would make the choice to stock this item in the first place?” Going through supplier catalogs checking off inventory: oil paint, brushes, gold leaf, erasers, drawing paper, hot pink satin bustier purse with rhinestone accents, erasers, picture frames, clay… Sorry don’t see the logic here. Kind of like the Where’s Waldo of retail.

You know, looking at it now it is growing on me. I am kind of sorry I did not purchase it.

Hmmm, do you think it will still be there tomorrow? Seriously, this could MAKE any outfit at a North Shore Long Island Bar Mitzvah, no?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 6, 2009 · 11:00 pm

Business Cards for Babies?!

Now I have heard it all. While surfing around the net the other night I came across social printing site that was seriously selling baby business cards. No joke, they had these nauseating affected cute little sayings like, “it was cool to meet you, have your mom call my mom to make a paydate” with the kid’s name and place to write a phone number.

Give me a break here. Is this not bringing things to a whole new level of ‘hey lady you were not the first uterus to every squeak out a puppy before’!

Don’t get me wrong, I mean my husband is a printer and I love any shot to see ink hit paper, but this one made throw up in my mouth a little.

Which got Jana and I to thinking about another concept: dog business cards. I designed a couple here for Mel to hand out around the neighborhood. We are open for suggestions, any other things you would like to see on a dog business card?

mel-card1or for the more humble pooch

mel-card2Seriously, I am thinking I could make some quick cash with these!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 4, 2009 · 10:51 pm

Sorry Pal, this Jew is Not for Jesus

Only on i could cry but i don’t have time would a post about Jesus follow one about Childbirth Orgasms. What can I say, I have range!

As I have mentioned before, I have become a bit of a Twitter addict. For those who are unfamiliar with Twitter it is sort of a cross between a social network, like Facebook, and Instant Messaging, like AIM or ICHAT. And for my parents and in-laws, sorry about speaking in a foreign language in this post.

The other night on Twitter someone wrote that they were being followed by @jesus and they better watch what they say. I thought that was simply hysterical and ‘retweeted’ that comment. Not long after, I received an email that @jesus was now following me! The best line of all in the bio is ‘what would Jesus tweet?’

jesus-tweet

Oh Twitter – opportunities for all! This is a group of Christians trying to spread the word. Hey, G-d bless. But fellas this Jew is not for Jesus, so if you don’t mind, nothing personal but I will not follow y’all back. K?

A little further investigation tuned me in that there are many godlike twitter accounts out there in the twittosphere: @god, @jesus_christ, @baby_jesus, @almighty and there is even @thejesusgeeks and jokesandjesus.

Here is are some funny tweets I uncovered during my search: “Is it me or should @jesus have more than 13 followers?” Or how about this one, “I unfollowed @God the other night, don’t think @Jesus will help either. ; )” On Christmas, this one went out, ” @jesus, happy birthday big guy!” And my favorite one of all “Wow. @greygoosevodka is following me! F’in awesome! But it looks like I lost @jesus (*yikes).

Ok, all kidding aside here. I find this all a little off color. And kind of sticky. This has got to offend the more religious Tweeters out there. Then again, all is fair game in the world of social media I suppose.

Oh, in case you were wondering, to give the other side equal time, @satan is on Twitter too.

Can’t make this stuff up!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 1, 2009 · 10:27 pm

Does this SUV make my ass look fat?

Fuel Crisis

Nothing like a ‘does this make my ass look fat’ post to start the year off right!

Once again, thanks to my BBFF MizLiz, another absurdity has been brought to my attention. I don’t know how I missed this one last week.

A Beverly Hills doc, Craig Alan Bittner, decided to power his car with the human fat extracted during liposuction. I kid you not. Fat contains triglycerides that can be turned into diesel. Basically we are saying the fatter the ass the longer the ride?

Should his patients be asking for doggie bags so they don’t need to stop at the gas station on the way home from surgery? My crazy friend The Bloggess kept berating her vet to give her the ovaries from her cat after she was spade, is this so different?

Before you run out and book yourself an appointment to shrink ‘er down and gas ‘er up I am sorry to inform you that Dr. Bittner has closed his practice to volunteer in a small clinic in South America. One where there is a gas shortage, you ask? Don’t start getting all warm and fuzzy about the guy, in actuality he closed his practice because he is involved in a lawsuit with 3 patients because he allowed his ASSISTANT and his GIRLFRIEND to perform surgeries without a medical license. The attorney for the 3 patients said he removed too much fat (is there really such a thing as removing too much fat) and left them disfigured.

Sure, but did they or did they not have a full tank of gas when they left?

You can’t make this stuff up!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

 

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December 31, 2008 · 3:49 pm

The Kafka Van

kafka_van_small1

Believe it or not, this van has been parked around the corner from my house for years and I have never thought to take a picture of it. I am sure the first time I saw it I was amused, but it became one of those weird things that are commonplace with routine. Still, not your average sight in a sleepy suburban town.

Now that I decided to make this my New Year’s post I had to give it some more thought.

I can’t help but wonder what the inside of this vehicle looks like. There are some makeshift curtains on the side windows. It looks like it was a school mini-bus in its first life which seems quite fitting. Not sure about the rack on the back, or is that apparatus used to keep the back doors bolted shut, like once you get inside you are not leaving so fast? Hmm, creepy.

What goes on in there? Is it piled high with German literature? What sort of weird activities could take place while driving around in a Kafka van? Do the occupants speak in run on sentences? Is there a sense of hopelessness when seated behind the wheel? Do other people think these things when driving by the Kafka van or is it just me?

I visited our dear friend Wikipedia and found out that good ol’ Franzy boy was an insurance man by profession. Not sure if that fits his aura, but hey, everyone has to make a living.

Here’s one more little interesting Wikifact about Kafka:

Prior to his death, Kafka wrote to his friend and literary executor Max Brod: “Dearest Max, my last request: Everything I leave behind me … in the way of diaries, manuscripts, letters (my own and others’), sketches, and so on, [is] to be burned unread.”[18] Brod overrode Kafka’s wishes, believing that Kafka had given these directions to him specifically because Kafka knew he would not honor them—Brod had told him as much. 

So, which one of you do I ‘assign’ the deleting (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) of all my blog posts upon my demise?

You will have to excuse me now as I need to go drive around and see if I can find where the Fellini convertible is parked.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 30, 2008 · 9:13 pm

Top Ten Search Terms (Vol. 5)

It is that time again. The monthly list of wild and crazy search terms that land readers on this blog. For those who missed the past installments you can read Vol. 1 here , Vol 2. here and Vol. 3 here and Vol. 4 here.

As always, I link the term to the post I think it yielded. And of course there is running commentary because quite frankly we all know I can’t keep quiet, EVER!

You can click on the terms and they will lead you to the posts that I think were found. For you email subscribers you will have to go to the page of the blog to use this function.

10. i love math thong obviously a confused individual. if you are doing math in the presence of a thong you have missed the whole point
9. family girl fights ah, the infamous girl fights. searches never seem to tire of the idea of a couple of babes duke it out.
8. i dont have niplles oh my, that is quite unfortunate for you.
7. lost ring in car what to do you bring the car to the dealership and get hosed for $236 friggin dollars to get it out. caution: spouse will be highly agitated by this. it’s the car thing.
6. taking a tampon out, ouch! ok, a quick lesson on tampons, if it hurts to take it out you probably did not need to put it in to begin with.
5. olsen twins nail polish i love that this one came up. this was one of my first posts and a real fave. if you click on nothing else you should not miss this one.
4. birthing chihuahua, chihuahua birth chart i am flabbergasted at the amount of people searching for the birth of a chihuahua. And even more impressed that they spell it correctly.
3. what can i eat after botox Ok, this one killed me. Listen, if you already thinking about eating right after botox chances are you will not receive the full benefits of any kinds of plastic surgery. How about changing your habits?
2. doctor oddities I worry about doctors with oddities and why anyone would continue to see them
1. don’t have time for this No time for this? Perhaps crying. Well just in case I linked this to the last Time to Cry Tuesday because it is a personal fave. Just a tip out there, if you use the phrase, “don’t have time for this” you are probably the type of person who most needs to make the time. Whatever ‘this’ may be.

Happy New Year’s to one and all. Have fun. Stay safe. And try, for at least tonight, to let it all go and just have some plain old fun.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

 

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December 28, 2008 · 10:04 pm

‘i could cry but i don’t have time’ turns 200!!!!

200

200? Gee, she really doesn’t look a day over 170. Must be the botox.

THIS is my 200th post! How bicentennial. How anticlimactic. It falls on the Monday between Christmas and New Year’s when we are all in this food induced coma. A Twitter friend said the other day that she was one shower short of being classified as a bag lady. So, there are others staying in pajamas till 3 or 4 in the afternoon? That is comforting. I think.

I am usually the multi-tasking lunatic who lives to get things accomplished and cross them off her list. Ah, over-achievers are over-rated!

Now I have become addicted to Brickbreaker on my Blackberry which, by the way, I did not even know I had until my son pointed it out to me. Now a great achievement for me is to beat my highest score, which I do not think is all that impressive but I don’t know any better so don’t burst my bubble (Jana this means you because I know you have to be way better at this than I am).

Funny thing is that I have not even taken the time off this season. Just so happens that a few jobs have come up that have caused me to have to work through part of the weekend. Even having accomplished that I still feel like a slug. (could be the sweatpants).

So my 100th post was all philosophical and take the world by the balls and my 200th is kind of like the honeymoon’s over and it is cool to blog in my ‘jamas and talk about nothing. Oh right, I talk about nothing most of the time. But entertaining nothing.

Whatever, all birthdays are not created equal. Or is that animals? I am leaning towards some Orwellian thoughts here… or lunacy. How can I tell the difference? (hey, check out that Orwell link, did you know his birth name was Eric Arthur Blair?!)

I digress. Or perhaps this whole post is one long digression. Are you still with me here?

No worries, tomorrow will be Time to Cry Tuesday followed by a monthly fave on Wednesday, the search terms wrap up.

You know, 200 is not so bad. I mean really, what’s the alternative? ; )

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 27, 2008 · 11:39 pm

Maybe she was just hungry

hunger

I ran out to the market tonight to pick up a few things at an odd hour, 5:00 on a Saturday. And there she was, this magnificent mom with two equally beautiful children. They were all really breathtaking. She looked oddly familiar in a movie star sort of way but I doubt it. Just another well-healed North Shore Long Island women over-dressed for the supermarket.

But here’s the thing, she was a total bitch to her kids. Believe me, I have seen kids misbehave in a supermarket, sometimes even those of my loins. These two kids were not acting out, maybe being a little ‘overly helpful’ but certainly not worthy of reprimand. But the skinny bitch pretty mom? She did not have a shred of patience for them. To the point were she sent the little boy out to the parking lot to wait for them. (nice judgement, no?)

So here is what I am thinking:

Maybe she was just hungry.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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