Category Archives: humor

December 16, 2008 · 9:20 pm

Technological Flu

technology

(no this is not a picture of my desk, but it was tempting)

Today was some day. I am pretty sure all the technology in my office got together while I was in the bathroom or making coffee and plotted against me. First, my email account decided to completely stop sending emails. Oh, it would receive just fine, but not a single message would go out. Luckily I am a lunatic with many email addresses, but this was the main one. Wait, was I being censored or just paranoid? Or both?

Then, of course, the blackberry decided to wig out because I changed the password on the email account in lieu of kicking the CPU (that rarely works).

When I plugged the digital camera into the USB port it opened the scanner software instead of the image download utility. Why? To mess me up of course!

For the last few days my large format printer has had a low ink blinking light on one of its eight color cartridges (does it really need light magenta to print? give me a break with the 8 colors!) Could this have been a signal to the other equipment to start acting up? What? This sounds delusional to you?

Of course today was an insanely busy work day, when else would all of this stuff happen?

On my bulletin board over my desk sits a quote,

“When the mechanical-technological things in our life break down, it is not a personal attack on us. It is just the nature of the mechanical-material world”

Lovely. I feel much better, thanks. Makes half a lost day seem ok now (not!)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 4, 2008 · 5:50 pm

How about a big box of shut the hell up?

Print

Angry? Me? Actually no. But this search term that landed a reader on my blog just kills me. Wendy, you challenged me to write a blog post on this one, so here it is. 

Ask my family. This has overshadowed my need to sing Kung Fu Fighting daily. (yes, I really do that) I don’t know why I find this so funny. I love when something can make me laugh like that, even if it is completely ridiculous. Oh, that’s right, I love the completely ridiculous. In fact, I might have to say that is the mission statement of this blog. (are mission statements still fashionable?)

Over the past few days I have found that I have given this advise to people more than once.

What, you have a client that just changed the complete direction of a project you are working on? (you know who you are). Well, just send them ‘a big box of shut the hell up?’.

You say that a social worker you hired to help you navigate the horrific sandwich generation task of handling your elderly parent’s healthcare issues just threatened to quit? (you also know who you are). Well, my friend, get her on the phone and let her know she is getting a special delivery ‘big box of shut the hell up’.

Ok, one more. Your teenager is arguing with you, over text message no less, and you have had enough? (you surely know who you are). Tell her case closed and when she gets home she can carry that ‘big box of shut the hell up’ to her room and remember who’s the mama in your house. 

I am thinking of putting out a product line. (nobody steal this, ok) If you would design a big box of shut the hell up, what would it look like? Seems I have already started on the logo.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 2, 2008 · 10:52 pm

Absurdities Poll

A few weeks ago I posted about the Man Bra. It was one of the many absurdities I have come across lately. At the end of that post I asked my readers to send me their best shot at the most absurd thing they have seen. I received quite a few excellent options. As promised, here are the choices. At the end of this post there will be a poll. I urge you all to vote. Why? I don’t know. Because it’s fun, maybe. If you are not the commenting type (which most of you aren’t) that is fine. But the voting is easy. C’mon, don’t be such a drag. Humor me. I mean here I am typing away every night to entertain, it’s the least you an do for me. (note to self: find out when Nana started channeling guilt through me)

Here goes:

1.  Men’s Butt Lifting Underwear. 

Submitted by Jamie of blonde mom blog. I guess this would be the equivalent of the push-up bra for women, right? Buy a pair of these and no more muffin top baby. You can put these suckers on and you are good to go, sans love handles!

2. Man Tries to Pay Bill With Spider Drawing

Submitted by Mel via her mom Judy. You can see the entire exchange at news9msn, but the abbreviated version is some guy claimed to not have any money and tried to pay a bill for 233.95 with the drawing below. He also claimed to be time traveling at one point as was unable to respond until he got back.

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

3. Men In Tutus

Submitted by none other than my BBFF Liz of Flashfree. This is a runway shot from Fashion week. Notice how happy this guy is. I don’t think they are paying him enough. Can’t wait to see that page in the NYT Sunday Styles section where they show all the people on the street wearing the same styles. What is that page called? You can see all the other ridiculous styles at bestweekever.tv

male-model-1

4. Schwetty Balls

Submitted by my dear friend Cath who knows I could never resist a good set of Schwetty Balls. I know what you are thinking, how could I hold out all the way to number 4 for this sophomoric Amyesque choice? I love all the copy on this ad, but my absolute favorite line is “Get your hands on some Schwetty Balls this Holiday Season”. How can you resist a line like that? Feel free to jump on over to Phoenix Sports Promos and tell them I sent you. When they say ‘who?’ they will really mean, ‘oh Amy, we adore her and thank her for the referral’. (hint: if Phoenix is doing their job out there monitoring the internet like Callahead was maybe I can get a free case of these. BTW, still waiting for the BMW)

11-26schwetty1

5. Poodle abuse or do you think she digs this?

This one I found from my new Twitter friend @Dana_Willhoit. Dana tweeted this link the first day I started following her. Gotta love this. Check out Creative Grooming‘s site for more great shots. Oh, I love the Ninja turtle the best because when Danny was in nursery school and they asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up he said ‘A Ninja Turtle’. Anyone with a good tip on a college with a Ninja Turtle major, please let us know as we are starting our search soon.

poodles1

Ok, Now for the poll. (jeez this is a long post!) Please vote!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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November 30, 2008 · 10:06 pm

Top Ten Search Terms (Vol. 4)

Welcome to the fourth monthly installment of Top Ten Search Terms. For those who missed the last three, you can read Vol. 1 here and Vol 2. here and Vol 3. here. As before, I have compiled a list of my 10 favorite (actual) search terms that viewers have entered to arrive at this blog. Every month I get a few more little goodies that take me by surprise or just plain crack me up. Scary what people will key in when searching. Scarier that they find me. Each entry is linked to the post I assume they arrived at when using these keywords.

For email subsribers you will have to go to the page of the blog to use this function.

10. son lives in basement not work what to d (i hate when these get cut off. what was that last word? do?)

9. separated at birth photos, pets (is that so unusual, pets being separated at birth?)

8. fat guys in bathing suits (nothing like a fat guy in a bathing suit, they always make the husband look thinner)

7. i could cry for days (ok, this person has missed the whole point, and unless they landed on a Tuesday post they would be highly disappointed. or maybe not. maybe this person needs a good laugh.)

6. www.old hairy women.com (believe it or not, this is a real site so I am not sure why they landed here. you can visit it if you like but it starts with “Warning, adult content. Must be 18 years or old to access this site. And how, might I ask, do they proof you before you enter? I passed, thanks)

5. boobss pop out while fight (with two s’s? yeh, well what’s a girl fight without boobs(s) popping out. I would assume that is part of the lure)

4. how to poison someone (this one is concerning and I am happy to say I do not have any idea how this landed here so there is no link. To my knowledge (officer) I have not written any posts that illustrate how to poison my husband anyone)

3. i dont have a condom (ok, bud, then it looks like you are screwed. or not. either way it seems you are having a bad night)

2. moose intestine condoms (ew. Ew! EEEEWWWW!)

1. how about a big box of shut the hell up (this one? this one had me laughing for hours. in fact I cannot wait to use this the next time someone bugs me. how much fun would it be to say this to someone. I am still laughing. wait, is this not that funny and only I see the humor in it?)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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November 29, 2008 · 9:33 pm

The upside of laundry

laundryLaundry. Never been a big fan. No matter how often you do it the pile keeps growing. Quite frankly I was never one of those moms that got off on the smell of the clean clothes. Or the neat piles when you put them away – maybe because those are non-existent in my house. 

But the upside of laundry in my house means it is a full one. My daughter (the jam master laundry maker) is home; filling a hamper in just a few days. Scary, but I love to see her clothes in the laundry. It is evidence that she is present. And there are a bunch of sheets on a half dozen aero beds tonight for the slew of boys who will roll in after midnight from a concert in the city. With any luck an equal amount of towels in the morning if they actually shower, but with 16-year-old boys that is always a crap shoot. 

A full house. I LOVE a full house. The laundry, not so much. But it is a small price to pay to have them here. A few years back it seemed like a nuisance. Now? I love nothing more.

So, all you moms who think that one more rinse cycle will put you over the edge, just remember, no laundry means they are not around. I have told many a mom who complains about their house being messy that a clean house is an empty one. 

Don’t get me wrong, it is not as if I have no life without the kids – there is always Twitter for G-d sakes – but there is something about having parented for almost 20 years that makes me really appreciate a heavy dose of it now and then.

Now if I could only teach the dog to fold…

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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November 28, 2008 · 10:56 pm

Hmm, this hot dog tastes like mouse!

I am not sure how I missed this one but I am grateful that my nephew has become my bird dog for the absurd. 

Seems this man opened up his bag of hot dog buns and found a little feller baked right in. This video cracks me up. I love how he says, “That’s certainly noticable, some one put that into a bag, they should have seen that”…”I see his little ears, clearly that is his tail. I am not sure what that is, maybe the left part of his leg or something. But that mouse is baked in there.”

The best part is how he slides the rolls back into the bag as if he was going to use the rest of them later. 

Makes you want to start that post holiday diet right away, doesn’t it?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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November 27, 2008 · 11:17 pm

What I Learned this Thanksgiving

turkey

1. The vintage Chambers stove is way too fickle to cook a turkey correctly.

2. The pop up thermometer is ALWAYS wrong.

3. The overpriced William Sonoma electronic thermometer is ALWAYS right and I never believe it because for some ridiculous reason I want to trust the plastic little pop up one.

4. Two 18 lb. turkeys is too much anyway when you are serving sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, rice, stuffing (carb much?), cranberry sauce, vegie lasagna, salad, squash and string beans. And a sick amount of desserts.

5. The above menu is what happens when a jewish girl and an italian girl make a joint holiday.

6. There is ALWAYS a kid’s table no matter how old the kids are (15-23 in our case)

7. The kid’s table always seems to be having more fun than the adult’s table (note to self: sit at kid’s table next year)

8. If you stare at your daughter who is home from college too much she will start to feel like you are stalking her.

9. A little health scare before the holidays makes you appreciate not wearing a hospital wristband way more than usual.

10. There is nothing better than your husband’s best friend marrying a woman who is the best wife a girl could have.

Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday as much as we did.

Now where are those friggin’ sweatpants?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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November 25, 2008 · 9:53 pm

Spam Spam Spam, Wonderful Spam

Last week I wrote about Spam. I had a wonderful time learning all about the resurgence of this mother of all loaves. I found out that there was a Spam Museum, visited its website and Gary and I fell in love with the place. Especially the tagline, Better Than an Art Museum.

To my delight, one of my readers informed me that she and her husband had actually visited the place. Again proof that I have very giving blog friends.

I was out of my mind when she was so kind to send me the following photos. Thank you Casey Leigh for making my day and sharing your trip with us. (if you think I am not going to this place you are crazy).

Here is Casey on a statue called “Off to Slaughter” – what a lovely family place. casey_statue

Next, we have her hubby, Carl, with Spammy. Oh Carl, you are such a good sport. We could surely hang out with you. Wait, is this a statue or is there someone inside that Spammy suit?

sammy-and-husband1

Gary, when we go there can I play the ham and eggs computer game. Please, please, please!

ham-and-egg-computer-game

Family, please note the countertop around the placemat, if the background was pink that would be Nana’s kitchen counter. I LOVE when she channels!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

 

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November 23, 2008 · 11:48 pm

Are Bloggers the new ‘Media’?

callaheadsite

There is much talk about bloggers being viewed, or perhaps narcissistically viewing themselves, as media. Me? I view my self as someone with an off-beat view on everyday life that keeps me entertained and helps me from not going over the edge from the stresses of life. I have long kept my friends entertained this way and started to blog to bring this warped vision to a bigger audience. (friends and family getting bored).

You can only imagine how surprised I was to find a link in my stats that brought me here. For those too lazy or not inclined to click that link, my blog post about CallAhead portable toilets has been featured on their website in the media section!

This is where I tell Gary about how bloggers get free stuff all the time when they mention people’s products. Hey, CallAhead has a better social media strategy than J&J for Motrin? Yikes, way to go potty guys! Do you guys Twitter? You can find me there @amyz5.

Gary’s response: Great, so what will we get, a free porta san on the front lawn? You couldn’t blog about BMW?

Ok, so here’s the thing. If the social media director at BMW is out there scanning blogs I just want to let you know that I am a really loyal customer and I love, love, love, my X3 and the lease is coming up soon. And Gary happens to have a really sweet 325ci convertible that is getting kind of old and we have a kid in college and another one on the way into college so car $ are tight and I would be real happy to blog all the time about your fantastic products because frankly BMW is my life and we could do a thing called extreme vehicle makeover where you drive away my old car and bring me a new one just because I happened to write about a billboard with a funny slogan on it about being #1 at picking up #2…

Alright, so maybe the CallAhead on the front lawn is a little more realistic.

A girl can dream, can’t she?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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November 22, 2008 · 6:23 pm

Do You Have Barbie Envy?

barbiethatbitch

Why do I find myself insanely jealous of whoever made this bumper sticker? I mean really, is that normal behavior?

I saw this in a parking lot and almost got hit by a car trying to take the picture. (that would be hard to explain: Well you see, officer, there was this bumper sticker that I HAD to get a shot of so I stopped while I was walking through the parking lot and did not realize that a car was coming and the rest is history. “That’s fine, really don’t worry”. And then to his partner, “call for a psych consult”)

For a change, I digress. So let’s talk Barbie for a minute. First, and foremost, we hate her because she is insanely skinny and never seems to be going to action figure Weight Watchers meetings. Nor does she age come to think of it.

Second, she has Ken and even though he does not have a penis (nor does she have nipples for that matter) they do seem to be a lovely couple and their relationship has been going on for… wait, let me Google this. Wow 43 years? But wait again, in my search there were a few references to a split. You can read about it on Bloggingscious (what kind of name is that and how do you pronounce it, is that like blogging delicious, hmmmm not working for me) and Man Behind the Doll (now there is a name to love). Whatever, it seems the breakup is way old news anyway. Give or take a few years these two have been together for a long time.

Third, she has the dream house for G-d sake. And the dream car. And all those tiny little shoes that little kids are forever getting stuck up their noses (Jana, did you do this or was that someone else?)

But, I worry about poor Barbie these days. Did she overextend herself with the mortgage on the Malibu beach house? Click that last link to find out more possible financial disasters for our dear old friend Barbie. Perhaps we should not worry, after all Poor is the New Rich! Once again, the old girl is always in fashion.

Wait, did she have a last name?

Oh yes she does! Dear Barbie has a Wikipedia page and her full name would be Barbara “Barbie” Millicent Roberts born March 9, 1959. OMG we are the same friggin’ age (yes I am that old, I just don’t act all that mature). Just in case you need to see the family tree you can see it here.

I know what you are all thinking right about now, ” what if she parked somewhere else today, what would she have written about?”

Call it fate, or emerging insanity. Me? Just thrilled to have gained all that Barbie knowledge.

Still, she probably is a bitch.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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