Category Archives: humor

March 29, 2009 · 8:29 pm

Top Ten Search Terms (vol. 8)

Search terms are my favorite part of blogging stats. Seems there are all sorts of crazies out there keywording their little fingers to the bone to find out more about subjects like tampons and hairy backs. Lucky for me I post about such absurdities.

In the past I have linked back to all the previous search term posts. Quite frankly I think that was a waste of time so that practice is now over.

So, dive right in my friends, and discover the crazy keywords that landed on I Could Cry this month. As always I give a little commentary and link back to the original post that I think was found.

i need a jolt so do I most of the time. But I will advise against that Jolt gum featured in this post. I chewed a couple of pieces on day and was hanging of the ceiling (not in a good way)

i made you a poop this big What a lovely gift. and you were so very proud of yourself. what makes someone use this as a search term? Never mind, I don’t want the answer to that one.

boob pop out fight I get this phrase almost every week. Further proof that everyone does love a girl fight (yeesh!)

i got a call from satan 666-6666. Yeh, well if you got a call from Satan and you are using an internet search to find out what it is all about I am thinking you are really screwed.

mom command center Are there more moms out there with command centers? I would suppose so.

box of shut the hell up Oh my, I totally forgot about this post. Remember kids, when someone pisses you off, just ask them if they would like a big box of shut the hell up. Very cathartic indeed.

don’t worry, i have toast Thank goodness, I thought we were all going to go hungry.

marry an asshole This is some pretty bad advise.

cancel colon medic Believe it our not I have had countless people comment on this post asking me to cancel their order. They have included names and addresses and have been might mad saying that this place keeps recharging their credit cards for reorders they did not authorize. Oh my!

toungue (yes there was a typo). Can’t say this is not a diverse blog. It takes you from the tongue to the tush and back.

And there you have it. Another month of fun and games brought to you by I Could Cry But I Don’t Have Time.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 29, 2009 · 7:41 am

Forget about diet and exercise

md_thin

This is my week to pick on the local medical community. Honestly, this one makes Turkey Neck look good. I must admit I absolutely LOVE the clip art.

When I was growing up there was a doctor that people used to go to for ‘diet drops’. I am pretty sure it was liquid speed and he surely behaved more like a drug dealer than a doc. Basically if you had the cash he gave you the scrip. Or maybe he was dispensing, come to think of it. Nonetheless his operation was eventually busted.

So here we are in the year 2009 and this guy is placing an ad like this in small town local newspapers. And this is ok because…?

I jumped over to his website and the language is really frightening. How about this: “Since we are able to get these medications from the manufacturers directly and in large quanities, we are able to pass the savings to our patients”, said Dr. Mostafa. “Our Weigh loss (yes, there was a typo) program is easy, safe and now affordable.”

Wow, the whole damn county should be thin with this kind of offer!

Safe? Phendimetrazine. Addictive much?

Oh right. Look Your Best.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

 

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March 27, 2009 · 6:02 pm

Turkey Neck?*

turkey_neck

Another ridiculous ad from the same local paper that brought us Doodyman! But this one is more about crap than he was.

Anyone else find this ad offensive? Jeez, give me a break. Seriously, with all the money you guys are making here on the Gold Coast could you not pay for a better logo than the one you have? And while I am giving a critique, there is nothing worse than a medical practice with the suffix ‘tique’. Is this a doctor’s office or the makeup counter at Bloomies? They even have a ‘cosmetic coordinator’. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I must admit I was lured in by the question mark and asterisk in the headline. Draws you right into the definition and treatment for the ol’ turkey neck. So here are some of my thoughts (what, you were not expecting a list from me?)

1. sagging neck shows your age? Yeh, well if you already altered your face I guess so. When you fix the neck then what do you do about the hands?

2. Smartlipo?! TM no less, jeez!

3. Body-jet water assisted lipo? Why does this sound like a power enema to me?

4. SAVE THE TURKEY FOR THANKSGIVING. ENJOY THE FINEST TRIMMINGS TODAY! How the hell did the ad agency sell that line?

Seriously, I find this so sad. Insulting and body-image-paranoia-focused advertising is such a low blow. What is the follow up headline going to be? Here are few thoughts:

Hey fat ass. Or maybe, Yo Hadassah Arms (that would be a combo street/yenta focused ad). Or why not go straight for the aging juggler: Who cares if you feel good, you look like crap.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against doing whatever rings your bell to make you feel better about yourself. But it feels like whores doctors who play this game are simply parasitic.

Enough for tonight. Hmmm, is it me or you guys craving a hot open turkey sandwich right about now?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 26, 2009 · 4:19 pm

Man Jailed for Sex with Vacuum

carwash

Wow, that sucks!

Sorry, could not resist. This, my friends, is a true story. It appears 29-year -old Jason Leroy Savage (why do the nuts always have 3 names) was caught performing a sex act with a CAR WASH VACUUM and was sentenced to 90 days in prison. He pleaded no contest to indecent exposure and must also submit to a drug test. Yeh, I would say that would be indecent for sure, and you have to be pretty wasted to think it was ok. But lets face it, a lot of you guys out there reading this are a bit curious, no?

Wow, a car wash vacuum. That REALLY sucks. Literally. Surprised he did not leave his member behind.

Gives the saying ‘chrome off a bumper’ a whole new meaning.

Can’t make this stuff up.

I will leave you with a much loved video in my household.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 24, 2009 · 8:56 pm

Who needs a quarter when you have a little sister?

A few weeks ago Danny and I staged a funny shot with one of these machines. A friend sent me this video because it reminded him of that post. There is no sound but it is still hysterical. I particularly like how the parents are totally oblivious.

But this! This is proof that kids will get into everything. Literally. If it is small enough – and even if it is not–  they will invariably shove it up their noses. No matter the size of the space, they will collapse their little bodies like mice and slip into a place no one would ever imagine they could go.

I am reminded of a little girl who got her head stuck in the slats of the deck (sorry for the bad memory Jana) and one of my nephews who got a toy lunar LEM wound up in his hair so tight that they had to go to the ER to have his hair cut with a scalpel to free it. And of course my all time favorite story of a neighbor’s kid who got a red jaw breaker stuck up her nose. Tip: don’t use a tweezer, have a nose blowing contest holding the other nostril and that sucker will usually shoot out across the room.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 22, 2009 · 3:29 pm

The Dressing Room

fitting-room

There is something about shopping for a dress that puts most women over the edge. Unless you have the perfect figure, and even then there is usually something about yourself that does not work for you in that evil 3-way mirror under those horrifying fluorescent lights.

This is an actual conversation that I heard from the next dressing room:

Woman 1: I am sure this is my size. And I am wearing the perfect bra!

Woman 2: Ummmm, I don’t think so, hon.

Woman 1: Sure, you hold the bottom and I will hold the top, I will take a deep breath in and then we can zip it together.

Woman 2: Honestly, I just don’t think there is enough fabric. What’s the big deal, no one will ever ask to see the tag and verify the size you are wearing. And anyway, you would need someone to dress you before the wedding AND you won’t be able to sit down the whole time.

Woman 1: I should have never eaten lunch before going shopping.

You seriously cannot make this stuff up. Lady, eat a sandwich, wear the bigger size, get a pair of spanx and get a grip.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 21, 2009 · 9:51 pm

Wedding Slinger, lose the rice

wedding_slinger

Interesting item to bring to the service. I particularly like the biracial bride and groom.

Warning: Choking Hazard. Small parts. Not suitable for children under 3 years.

For those 3 and over, no problem. Feel free to give them a gun to shoot mini brides and grooms at the wedding couple. Might as well teach them the hazards of marriage at an early age.

Why not a second disclaimer:

Warning: not responsible for blinding the bride or groom. If small parts get lodged in their ears please see a professional to remove.

Remember, this item catapults bride and groom up to 15 feet.

Rice seems so old fashioned now, doesn’t it?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 20, 2009 · 5:24 pm

Would you advertise your tiny head?

tinyheadWhile driving through a parking lot this afternoon Jana spotted this license plate. Of course I had to circle around and have her take a picture.

This poses the question, why would you advertise that you had a tiny head? I happen to have a head on the smallish side, as does my mom. My brother used to call us pinheads.

Affectionately.

Or do you think this is code for the every man’s answer to every question:

“A little head would be nice”.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 15, 2009 · 7:25 pm

The Birthday Cake

lucky_chengs

The scenario:

Mom of daughter turning 18 sends her and a group of friends to Lucky Cheng’s for dinner. For those unfamiliar with the venue it is a downtown drag cabaret theater in NYC. Almost makes me nostalgic for those Chuck E. Cheese parties we loathed so much. Then again, I can relate much better to drag queens than I can to grown men dressed up as mice.

The mom calls the restaurant to order a cake for the party.

Mom: Hi, I have a reservation for a group of girls for friday night for my daughter’s birthday and I would like to add a cake to the order.

Reservationist: Sure thing. Would you like that to be a penis cake or regular?

Hey, whatever happened to chocolate or vanilla?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 13, 2009 · 7:46 pm

Satan Calling

666-6666

Yeh, that title should get me some interesting traffic.

Speaking of traffic (I know, pathetic segue), while sitting in it today I was behind this car. 666-6666. That is quite a potent number. Of course I had to do a little research on this devilish number.

Here are a few interesting facts:

On May 23rd, 2006 the mobile number 666-6666 was auctioned for charity in Qatar. It sold for 10m Qatari riyals or $2,746,045.59. According to the article in The Register here are some other interesting little factoids in the 666 arena:

On a techy note, the first Apple Computer sold for $666.66, the sixth letter of the Hebrew alphabet is w – so www. shows how evil the internet is. And finally, Viagra has a molecular weight of 666.7g/mol.

So all you internet porn addicts on apple computers…

looks like you are going straight to hell!

On further exploration I decided to check out the local area codes for this number.

516 – no such number.

631 – I got this interesting message, ” The voice mailbox of Hello There is full, please try again later”. Friendly little devil out there in Suffolk County.

718 – very foriegn voices that sounded kind of like a terrorist cell and creeped me out that maybe they had caller ID and I was screwed.

And 212? Apparently that was the one that was advertised on this bumper, Carmel car and limo service! I wonder if they had to pay through the wazoo to get that number.

Or perhaps they just had to sell their souls.

Alright, cheap jokes tonight. But at least I got us out of the bathroom.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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