Category Archives: Uncategorized

April 7, 2009 · 11:01 pm

All the Other Vegetables Were Jealous (vol. 2)

horseradish_penis2

I am always amused at the comedic way Mother Nature toys with us in the produce section.

While frantically shopping for the Passover Seder in what felt like an episode of Supermarket Sweep, I ran into a dear friend near the broccoli. She was asking what I used for the bitter herbs on my seder plate and I told her that I was a fan of fresh horse radish. As she reached into the pile and pulled out this beauty we could not help but notice its striking resemblance to…

well, I don’t think I need to spell this one out, do I? No wonder I am a fan, right?

This past summer I wrote about a certain cucumber who I am sure would be quite jealous of the way this horse radish was being held.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 6, 2009 · 5:29 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Lifelong Friends

watercolor_heart

I collect people.

Seriously. I have people in my life for decades. I always thought this was common, as my husband does too, but I have come to realize that most people are not fortunate enough to have friends in their lives that they have known since they were young.

Me? I still have my best friends from 7th grade. Three of them. I was late to the party as they have known each other since kindergarten. They are the place I go when the world is too much. Or when I want to laugh to the point of tears.

I can be 16 with them, when being 16 is completely out of the question because 4 of our collective 8 kids is older than that already. They will never tell me what I want to hear, but they will surely tell me what I need to.

There are code words and phrases that we share like a secret language – or twinspeak. Our own intimictionary of vocab that would have an outsider shaking their head trying to figure out what we are talking about.

Months can go by with little contact, no more than a passing “I would freak but i don’t have time” kind of conversation. But still our love for each other is undying.

The decades pass. We fall, we get up, we live to the point of tears and then we trudge on thinking that if we have to live one more day of this crazy life we will surely scream. Then we stop and spend some precious time together. And laugh so hard we forgot that was possible.

That is when I realize I am the luckiest person on earth. Not one but three! Each of whom would drop everything at a moment’s notice to be THERE. Wherever and whatever THERE is. And believe me, THERE wears many costumes.

Three words for you girls:

Love. Love. Love.

(and no Ali, we did not have any fun without you this weekend ; )

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 31, 2009 · 11:48 pm

Closing Down This Blog

closed

I would like to start by to thanking all of my readers for their support and continued readership since I started this journey.

I began this blog as a place to have some fun and to learn. I have certainly done both. The added bonus was meeting some amazing people here, and in real life as a result. It has been a blast and I have enjoyed it more than anything else I have ever done.

Part diary, part school, part land of the absurd, I Could Cry But I Don’t Have Time has gone from a whim to a mild addiction.

But sadly, I believe I have humor block. I don’t feel funny. Not even silly. And I am too busy to keep up the charade of being the place that people can go to laugh, sometimes to the point of tears.

So before I become a washed up old bloghag, I will hang up my keyboard and call it a life. All good blogs must come to an end.

NOT!!! April Fools! Got you there for a minute, didn’t I?

You should all be so lucky to get rid of me so easily. Face it, I am a little like gum on your shoe.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 29, 2009 · 8:29 pm

Top Ten Search Terms (vol. 8)

Search terms are my favorite part of blogging stats. Seems there are all sorts of crazies out there keywording their little fingers to the bone to find out more about subjects like tampons and hairy backs. Lucky for me I post about such absurdities.

In the past I have linked back to all the previous search term posts. Quite frankly I think that was a waste of time so that practice is now over.

So, dive right in my friends, and discover the crazy keywords that landed on I Could Cry this month. As always I give a little commentary and link back to the original post that I think was found.

i need a jolt so do I most of the time. But I will advise against that Jolt gum featured in this post. I chewed a couple of pieces on day and was hanging of the ceiling (not in a good way)

i made you a poop this big What a lovely gift. and you were so very proud of yourself. what makes someone use this as a search term? Never mind, I don’t want the answer to that one.

boob pop out fight I get this phrase almost every week. Further proof that everyone does love a girl fight (yeesh!)

i got a call from satan 666-6666. Yeh, well if you got a call from Satan and you are using an internet search to find out what it is all about I am thinking you are really screwed.

mom command center Are there more moms out there with command centers? I would suppose so.

box of shut the hell up Oh my, I totally forgot about this post. Remember kids, when someone pisses you off, just ask them if they would like a big box of shut the hell up. Very cathartic indeed.

don’t worry, i have toast Thank goodness, I thought we were all going to go hungry.

marry an asshole This is some pretty bad advise.

cancel colon medic Believe it our not I have had countless people comment on this post asking me to cancel their order. They have included names and addresses and have been might mad saying that this place keeps recharging their credit cards for reorders they did not authorize. Oh my!

toungue (yes there was a typo). Can’t say this is not a diverse blog. It takes you from the tongue to the tush and back.

And there you have it. Another month of fun and games brought to you by I Could Cry But I Don’t Have Time.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 27, 2009 · 6:02 pm

Turkey Neck?*

turkey_neck

Another ridiculous ad from the same local paper that brought us Doodyman! But this one is more about crap than he was.

Anyone else find this ad offensive? Jeez, give me a break. Seriously, with all the money you guys are making here on the Gold Coast could you not pay for a better logo than the one you have? And while I am giving a critique, there is nothing worse than a medical practice with the suffix ‘tique’. Is this a doctor’s office or the makeup counter at Bloomies? They even have a ‘cosmetic coordinator’. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I must admit I was lured in by the question mark and asterisk in the headline. Draws you right into the definition and treatment for the ol’ turkey neck. So here are some of my thoughts (what, you were not expecting a list from me?)

1. sagging neck shows your age? Yeh, well if you already altered your face I guess so. When you fix the neck then what do you do about the hands?

2. Smartlipo?! TM no less, jeez!

3. Body-jet water assisted lipo? Why does this sound like a power enema to me?

4. SAVE THE TURKEY FOR THANKSGIVING. ENJOY THE FINEST TRIMMINGS TODAY! How the hell did the ad agency sell that line?

Seriously, I find this so sad. Insulting and body-image-paranoia-focused advertising is such a low blow. What is the follow up headline going to be? Here are few thoughts:

Hey fat ass. Or maybe, Yo Hadassah Arms (that would be a combo street/yenta focused ad). Or why not go straight for the aging juggler: Who cares if you feel good, you look like crap.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against doing whatever rings your bell to make you feel better about yourself. But it feels like whores doctors who play this game are simply parasitic.

Enough for tonight. Hmmm, is it me or you guys craving a hot open turkey sandwich right about now?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 24, 2009 · 8:56 pm

Who needs a quarter when you have a little sister?

A few weeks ago Danny and I staged a funny shot with one of these machines. A friend sent me this video because it reminded him of that post. There is no sound but it is still hysterical. I particularly like how the parents are totally oblivious.

But this! This is proof that kids will get into everything. Literally. If it is small enough – and even if it is not–  they will invariably shove it up their noses. No matter the size of the space, they will collapse their little bodies like mice and slip into a place no one would ever imagine they could go.

I am reminded of a little girl who got her head stuck in the slats of the deck (sorry for the bad memory Jana) and one of my nephews who got a toy lunar LEM wound up in his hair so tight that they had to go to the ER to have his hair cut with a scalpel to free it. And of course my all time favorite story of a neighbor’s kid who got a red jaw breaker stuck up her nose. Tip: don’t use a tweezer, have a nose blowing contest holding the other nostril and that sucker will usually shoot out across the room.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 22, 2009 · 3:29 pm

The Dressing Room

fitting-room

There is something about shopping for a dress that puts most women over the edge. Unless you have the perfect figure, and even then there is usually something about yourself that does not work for you in that evil 3-way mirror under those horrifying fluorescent lights.

This is an actual conversation that I heard from the next dressing room:

Woman 1: I am sure this is my size. And I am wearing the perfect bra!

Woman 2: Ummmm, I don’t think so, hon.

Woman 1: Sure, you hold the bottom and I will hold the top, I will take a deep breath in and then we can zip it together.

Woman 2: Honestly, I just don’t think there is enough fabric. What’s the big deal, no one will ever ask to see the tag and verify the size you are wearing. And anyway, you would need someone to dress you before the wedding AND you won’t be able to sit down the whole time.

Woman 1: I should have never eaten lunch before going shopping.

You seriously cannot make this stuff up. Lady, eat a sandwich, wear the bigger size, get a pair of spanx and get a grip.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 18, 2009 · 9:34 pm

Out of the Mouths of Moms

cursegraphic

We had an interesting dinner conversation tonight. We have a full house/table with Jana home from school. The dynamic shifts, as do the seats, to bring us back to the original four. We fall back into the way we were when she still lived here. There is truly nothing more comforting than a family that is whole again.

The conversation at our dinner table is always pretty lively. There are no rules. No taboo subjects, for me anyway. I believe in open discussion and the right to speak your mind as long as you are respectful to others. It was always this way, but somewhere along the line I guess I loosened up the reigns on cursing and *questionable family topics*. Especially for myself. Come to think of it I would say I am the one that says the most outrageous things at the table.

Not sure how it started, but for some reason I had a run of topics come out of my mouth that left my kids… well almost stunned.

Danny: Wow, think of a list of the most outrageous things to hear a mom say and you pretty much hit them all.

Jana: With each topic I did not think it could get worse… and then it did.

Me: Really? Crap, are you guys going to need therapy from this?

Jana: Nah, it’s fine.

Danny: Don’t worry, the damage was done a long time ago. We’re good.

Gary: this is definitely going to be a blog post!

Perhaps I should consider some restraint in the future.

Probably unlikely.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 15, 2009 · 7:25 pm

The Birthday Cake

lucky_chengs

The scenario:

Mom of daughter turning 18 sends her and a group of friends to Lucky Cheng’s for dinner. For those unfamiliar with the venue it is a downtown drag cabaret theater in NYC. Almost makes me nostalgic for those Chuck E. Cheese parties we loathed so much. Then again, I can relate much better to drag queens than I can to grown men dressed up as mice.

The mom calls the restaurant to order a cake for the party.

Mom: Hi, I have a reservation for a group of girls for friday night for my daughter’s birthday and I would like to add a cake to the order.

Reservationist: Sure thing. Would you like that to be a penis cake or regular?

Hey, whatever happened to chocolate or vanilla?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 11, 2009 · 6:28 pm

What’s the poop on this restaurant?

modern_toiletAhh… to eat or pee, that is the question!

There is a new restaurant chain in Taiwan called Modern Toilet! And the theme would be? You guessed it, bathroom gourmet. I first read about this in Time and had to do a little exploring.

Now here is concept that my extended family would surely embrace. When we all get together it is inevitable that the conversation will go the way of defecation. My brother has amazed my kids more than once with stories of his bathroom feats. And my nephew, I believe there was once a comparison to the titanic.

toilet_sushiThis place is wild. You sit on ‘the can’ at glass top tables with sinks beneath them. Food is served in mini toilets bowls, drinks come in urinals and the soft serve ice cream? Um, kinda doodylike.

I would imagine there would be families that would be turned off by such a crass place. Us? Almost worth a trip to Taiwan in my book.

My favorite part would be the home page on the website. There is a picture of this cute little blue mouse on a piece of cheese with the words ‘shit or food’ in a bubble over his head. Hmmm, intriguing thought

Seriously, aren’t you just a little bit curious about eating here?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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