Category Archives: body image

January 2, 2010 · 5:13 pm

Bags under my eyes and the spousal look of terror

I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and noticed some not so attractive bags under my eyes.

That’s right.

Bags.

Under.

MY.

Eyes.

I stared in that mirror and the first thought that came to my mind was, “Ok, Ms. age gracefully, never consider plastic surgery, stop trying to chase your youth, I would NEVER… how do you like them bags?”

Not to brag, but I have – by no doing of my own – been fortunate to inherit the beautiful skin that both of my grandmothers sported well into their 80s. That coupled with an extra XX lbs on my ass, has left my 50-year-old punim relatively line and bag free(ish). But last night I was having some sinus and ear issues (no doubt from all the flying I witnessed at the movie, Up in the Air) and when I woke up it all settled in those not so endearing bags under said eyes. Luckily they started to disappear as the day wore on.

I was on the couch with my daughter and asked her to take a look at me and see if she noticed them. Then Gary came in the room. He was leaning over the coffee table innocently placing clementines in a bowl when I asked him. “Hon, do you notice bags and dark circles under my eyes?”

Deer.

In.

Headlights.

Poor thing. He stood there half bent over the table, frozen in time. I could hear the inner workings of his mind, “How in hell am I supposed to answer this friggin’ question?” This, my friends, falls into the proverbial ‘does my ass look fat in this…’ question. The way in which the husband answers this question will change the entire architecture of his day, if not his whole weekend. And he is fully aware of that fact. Luckily for him I had mercy on that poor terrified look on his face and started to laugh.

I am happy to report that the bags have ‘resolved’ but left in their wake is a new found terror that I am not as void of vanity as I once believed. And Gary, he is just happy he did not have to answer that question.

(oh, and of course that picture at the top of the post is not ME!)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 15, 2009 · 5:59 pm

No more shaving?!

Nope, didn’t make this one up. This baby is a screen grab right off my Facebook page. One of those creepy targeted ads towards women over 50. Or should I say, bearded women over 50. Hold onto your hats kiddies, I am up for a good rant on this one.

C’mon American Laser Centers! Are you friggin’ kidding me!

I mean, do you really think that a woman with shaving cream on her face is going to attract the likes of me and my kind? Honestly, we wax. And we laser after weighing the consequences of lifelong hair removal from certain parts of our bodies. Many do have to do a little touch up above the lip (I am thankful to say I do not). But um, facial hair to the point of having a beard?! Did you think maybe a shot of some long legs or a perhaps a hint of the bikini line might get us a little more attracted to your service than to show a woman…

SHAVING HER DAMN FACE!

I am sorry, last time I went on a girls weekend with my 50-year-old friends I don’t recall any of them whipping out the shaving cream and the razor and going to town on their chinny chin chins. I do remember a few conversations with the word ‘Brazilian’ in it but hey, we are just a bunch of women over 50, what do we know about hair removal? Well, this one does know that the hair removal market sits at around $1.8 billion annually – yes with a B! Thanks Wendy for that little factoid.

Wait, have I mentioned that 50-year-old women tend to be menopausal with erratic behavior patterns and reactions to things that piss them off. Oh right, did not show up in the research.

Oh, you were trying to be funny you say?

NOT.

Just curious, did you do any kind of focus group on that ad? Was there even a woman in the building when you guys did that creative? My friends, this is what we call a big time fail in my book.

So, my dear friends at the American Laser Centers, let’s see what kind of social media monitoring you are doing now that you put that ridiculous ad on my Facebook page. Or shall I say anti-social media? Rule number one, make sure you monitor or you are setting yourselves up for a nightmare. Might I suggest  The Social Studies Group, they can set you up with a nice program. And hey, $3,000 worth of free laser treatments would be a good sort of apology for insulting the hell out of me.

Now, you will have to excuse me, I have to go call the wonderful woman who waxes me and tell her how much I appreciate her sensitivity.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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November 10, 2009 · 8:46 pm

A what kind of couch?!

vagina-couch

You can buy anything on Craigs List. Really, ANYTHING!

And I can prove that with this listing for…

The Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch

Yep, that’s right. I bet you were wondering what the picture was. Or maybe you weren’t exactly wondering because it is kind of obvious. But maybe you were thinking it was a Georgia O’Keefe sculpture.

I love the description in the listing where she says, “For Sale – beautiful pink “vagina couch” that I made in art school and no longer have space for.”

Ok, so what is she adding to her decor that leaves her with no room for this? A penis chair maybe?

This is even better:

“the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape.”

So what, this hey-nanny-nanny* couch has not seen all that much action, huh?

Thanks, once again, to cousin Frankie for pointing this out to me. Hey Frankie, what were you doing shopping for a vagina couch anyway?

* Gary term

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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November 7, 2009 · 6:41 pm

That Dress is a Hawt Attack!

I have written about how much I loathe shopping. Much of what I dislike about local shopping here on the Gold Coast is the interaction with the sales help. I don’t like anyone get all up in my business when I am trying things on. Face it, most of us know what works on us and what doesn’t. We surely don’t need a salesperson to talk us into something with false flattery.

For better or worse, I have passed this distaste for shopping on to my daughter. Lucky for her she is walking around in a 20-year-old body so things are a bit easier, but still, how many women look in the mirror and are completely satisfied?

I bring this story up today because I was driving around and for some reason remembered this day and I laughed out loud. Jana and I were shopping for the Junior Prom and we made the huge mistake of going into one of the stores that I refer to affectionately as the Belly of the Beast. It sits in the center of a quaint little town nearby where unfortunately most of the women are cranky. Why? Because, as my friend Karen always says, “THEY ARE HUNGRY!”

From the moment we stepped into the shop we knew we were screwed. The racks were laden with bejeweled and bespangled dresses that were overpriced and lacking in taste. We were not there 2 minutes before a young woman came out of the dressing room and the saleswoman, who had a raspy, loud, cliché of a Long Island accent, shouted so that she could be heard somewhere in the midwest, “Oh my Gawd that dress is a hawt attack on you! A hawt attack I tell you.” Turning to the other women in the store she repeated, “Is this dress not a hawt attack on huh?” She gave the term Drop Dead Dress a whole new meaning.

Jana and I took one look at each other, turned, walked out the door and burst out laughing on the street. To this day when I pass that shop I can still hear the ghost of shopping days past in that smoker’s voice filled with gravel shouting, “A hawt attack, I tell ya, simply a hawt attack!”

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 18, 2009 · 8:33 pm

Shopping ; (

shopping-bags

I.

Hate.

Shopping.

No, for real, I am a Jewish girl that simply loathes everything about shopping. Of course sometimes it cannot be avoided. Like the day of a special event, for instance. I am famous for going out around noon before a party and looking for something to wear. Not just shoes, or pantyhose, the whole outfit. Yesterday was no different.

I started at a local boutique in hopes of not having to venture to the dreaded mall on a Saturday. I walked in, tried to act nonchalant and then there she was; the ‘Personal Attention Saleswoman’. Now, I know this is the basic reason why many women shop in this kind of store. I walked in and the PAS was on me in a second. “Can I help you? What are you looking for? What kind of event? Might I suggest…” yadayadayada, to the point where I am ready to scratch my own eyes out. Yes, you guessed it.

I.

Hate.

Personal Assistance.

I feel bad because she really was lovely. But, she was wearing both a blouse and jeans that were 2 sizes too small for her. Her cleavage was actually screaming at me as she adjusted the top I tried on. Oh, sweetheart, BACK OFF. I seriously don’t do the adjustment thing. Did she not know about my personal space issue?

The thing is, I have lived in this body for a long time. I am fully aware of what works and what doesn’t. So PLEASE, stop telling me how great this will look on me when I already know it is a ‘no can do outfit.’ Ok, so one armload of nothing looks good on me, this is all to expensive, no I will not try these on with 6 inch stiletto heels, I do not dress like a cheap hooker kind of exercise and I was in the dressing room, sweating, trying to figure out how I could make a beeline for the door ASAP.

Out of that place and on to the mall where I started to freak out almost immediately. There must have been some sort of Disney event going on and at least 60% of the people in the mall were wearing mouse-ka-ears. No joke. First I passed an old women with a walker, then a baby in a stroller, then an entire family wearing these things. Proudly! Gary has called me Amy Mouse for years after seeing pictures of me as a young girl. Ok, maybe I was a little mouse-like. I was convinced that perhaps no one was actually wearing these ears, but in fact, I had finally snapped and was hallucinating.

At one point I was in a dressing room trying to get into one of those tops that has the drapey overthing with an attached tank top and I was stuck in it like a straight jacket. (hey, if the straight jacket fits…) I was fearful that I would never get out of that thing and was a minute away from calling for assistance.

You will be happy to find out that after what seemed like many hours I did come up with a skirt I loved and made it work with existing wardrobe items.

Now if I can only get rid of this recurring dream about Mickey Mouse in stiletto heels.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visitLeaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 2, 2009 · 7:01 pm

Store for Problem Feet?

problem-feet

Stopped at a red light on the way home from a soccer game, I spotted this store. Thankfully the camera was not too far from reach.

Hmmm, problem feet? A whole store that caters to them? I would think maybe an aisle or a small department, but a whole store? And what kind of problems are we talking? Bunions, flat feet, too wide, too narrow, club foot? Maybe some freakishly large middle toe that throws you into a size or two bigger than you would normally wear?

“Can I help you ma’am?”

“Oh yes, I have problem feet.”

“No, problem here!”

It amazes me that a place like this would be able to thrive. Granted it is centrally located and easily accessible from parkways and soccer fields. But seriously, how do they make their rent every month?

Show of hands, how many of you actually suffer from problem feet out there?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 30, 2009 · 9:55 pm

Traveling Shoes

travelin-shoes

Believe it or not, there was a woman on line in front of me at airport security that was wearing these shoes. Imagine what the rest of her outfit looked like. Whatever it is that you are imagining, go one step further.

I am always amazed that anyone would want to travel in anything this uncomfortable. I love her toenail color and the hint of the tattoo on her right angle.

Jana and I loved this woman. We really got a kick out of the way the security screener spent and extra long time looking back and forth between this woman and her photo ID. Her face was a botox playground and I would bet her photo ID was taken before the surgical enhancement.

Don’t you wonder what who was waiting for her on the other end of her flight?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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July 7, 2009 · 8:35 pm

Hairy Backs and Tattoos

With the rain finally gone I have been fortunate enough to have spent a good amount of time on the beaches in the past couple of weeks. As always there are plenty of hairy backs out there. The mangroomer should be doing a booming biz.

If you will remember, I am both fascinated and aggravated by back hair. Some of these guys look like they are wearing sweaters. It must be awfully hot under there. Look at this guy, I think he is down by the ocean just to cool off. The spinal hair is particularly fascinating on this guy. Look at that dense patch down the middle. It almost looks like hairy vertebrae.

hairy-back

I have also noticed that there are way more tattoos this year. It seems everyone is sporting ink. And a lot of it is major. Saw some guy in Fire Island with full photorealistic portraits of his kids on his arm. I wonder if they will age as his skin sags.

tats-and-hair

This guy here had a wonderful combination of tats and the most bizarre body hair pattern I have ever seen. What is with that tuft of hair at the base of his spine crawling down his up way to high bathing suit. Eww!

Again, we women are out there spending all kinds of money waxing, lasering, shaving, eppilating, dipilatoring our lives away and these guys just let the hair out of the bag and don’t think twice.

Who are the schmucks here?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone

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June 17, 2009 · 10:54 pm

She awoke and saw stars

star-tattoo-face

Here is an odd story. This ‘young housewife’, 18-year-old Kimberley Vlaeminck of Belgium, claims she asked for three little points on her forehead but the tattoo artist suggested three stars would be prettier.

Get this, she WENT TO SLEEP to avoid the pain. How the hell do you fall asleep while someone is tattooing your face?! Are they leaving out some details from this story – like narcotics maybe? I mean, we are not talking about removing a splinter, we are talking about injecting ink into your face!

She claims she awoke to 56 stars on her face; poorly rendered I might add. Nice look. As far as the tattoo artist is concerned, she was onboard with this until her dad caught wind of it and she pulled the nap story out of her hat. She is now suing the tattoo parlor.

I am reminded of my favorite line from Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert:

Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit…

Hmm, I wonder if this chick is considering motherhood.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 13, 2009 · 10:11 pm

To the Man at Starbucks Last Night

starbucksI am not quite sure if you were sticking around to hear our conversation because it was like staring at the accident, or if you were just paralyzed and were not sure when would be an opportune moment to get up and leave. Either way, I hope we entertained you.

The setting: suburban Starbucks after dinner on a Saturday night.

Attending: 2 couples of ‘a certain age’ if you will.

Topics of conversation:

1. Tattoos: mainstream or trashy. I argued for mainstream and pointed out that the perception of trashy was a generational one. (translation: you are an old hag, my friend).

2. Being Clean: and by this I am not referring to showering. The question arose whether all young men and women have chosen the route of no hair. This one crosses the age barrier. There has been a request for some research on the percentage of those who have chosen to go hairless, broken down by gender and age. Hmmm, I do know just the person to find this out. Are you biting?

3. Taking no hair one step further we discussed shaving vs. waxing vs. laser. Oh, and you will happy to know not only did the Mangroomer come up, I believe there might have been a request for one for Father’s day.

You know, just a typical suburban chat over coffee.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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