Category Archives: humor

September 28, 2008 · 12:35 am

The hand dryer that can blow your mind

We were out to dinner tonight (it seems like I eat out a lot lately, doesn’t it?). I went to the bathroom and there, next to the sink was the most incredible thing.

The Dyson Airblade hand dryer.

You know that guy from the vacuum commercials who makes you think that he is always inventing a better way to suck stuff up and makes you feel really ignorant for having that stupid 10-year-old Miele when you have a dog that sheds?

Oops, off on another noise-in-my-head tangent, sorry about that. So this guy designed what has to be the most incredible hand dryer. You stick your hands in and it looks like it is going to rip the skin right off them. Of course the crazy friends that I was with decided we should try to take pictures of one of us putting our face in there to see if we could simulate the look of a face lift.

Unfortunately the space was too narrow and she could only insert her hands.

When we got back to the table the guys asked us what we were doing. Um, well there is this really cool dryer and, well, we thought it would be funny if…

never mind.

They seemed to know all about the dryer, so we asked if they had ever tried to put other body parts in there.

Hey, talk about a blow job.

(sorry Jana – I know – ‘ew mom!’)

6 Comments

Filed under absurdities, friendship, humor, humor, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , ,

September 2, 2008 · 9:16 pm

Was this just about putting any skirt in the seat?

I will be shamelessly self-promoting my new photo blog, leaving the zip code, here from now on. You won’t be disappointed, I promise. Let’s see if some of you will take the ‘submit’ challenge. And today you can read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms as well.

Perhaps this is an appropriate Time to Cry Tuesday post (late and confused from the holiday weekend).

Not one to get into the political fray all that often, I could not help but do a short post about the Sarah Palin choice. I am saddened by what I think is an insult not only to the women of this country, but the people of this country. I started this post hours after the announcement was made but was hesitant to continue. Now that the theatre of the absurd has unfolded it just can’t go unmentioned here. (with my sarcastic twist, of course). This does not contain any new, groundbreaking commentary, but it may make you laugh (a little) while you cry.

I am not claiming to know much about her (scary detail #1) but I certainly do not feel all warm and fuzzy about her being one heartbeat away from the presidency (scary detail #2). What really freaks me out is that McCain would think he could capture 18 million Hillary supporters with a pro-lifer (scary detail # 3,4 and 5).

Another great quality I want in my VP: card carrying member of the NRA.

Oh, and now the pregnant teenage daughter. His people KNEW about this and were still ok?!! Wow, talk about securing those family values votes. This is like a bad Saturday Night Live sketch! What next…Yeh, well we knew she killed a man, but she is still under investigation so we thought it was cool.

Of course you knew this was coming:

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

So, my brother and I were talking the other day and I told him I had a very strange feeling that perhaps Sarah Palin was, in fact, Dick Cheney with a sex change. His answer? Can’t be, she has not shot anyone in the face yet.

To sum it all, this quote says it all for me:

A woman voting for John McCain is a like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders.

– Cecile Richards, President of Planned Parenthood

6 Comments

Filed under current events, family, humor, politics, Time to Cry Tuesdays, women

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

August 30, 2008 · 11:15 pm

Top Ten Search Terms (vol.2)

I will be shamelessly self-promoting my new photo blog, leaving the zip code, here from now on. You won’t be disappointed, I promise. Let’s see if some of you will take the ‘submit’ challenge.

This one was really hard to narrow down to only 10, so I cheated and put all the tampons in as one listing. They were all too funny to leave any out.

As I did last month, I have linked these to the posts I think the search yielded:

10. petafile aroiund my neiborhood (uh, do we have a spelling issue going on here? this link is a stretch but I could not think of what else they found with that)

9. victim nail polish (I was once a victim to nail polish but I went into therapy and now I am good)

8. highway to hell photo code (wait, is there a password to get into hell?)

7. does menopause make women irrational and (Duh!! No, these hormones are not a problem sonny, just don’t come near me when I have a knife in my hand. I cannot help but wonder what came after the ‘and’…homicidal? frankly psychotic? certifiably insane? any other suggestions?)

6. mars cheerleaders (imagine the outfits they would be wearing)

5. decision ball outlook so so (this is a pretty wishy-washy magic eight ball, no?)

4. okay to drive baby in convertible? (helloooo, if you have to ask we should get your number and call social services)

3. acronym for burnt mouth from hot pizza (that would have to be BMFHP?)

2. adirondack milfs (I believe this may be an impossibility, have you ever been to the adirondacks?)

1. tampons don’t work (um, maybe you need to change it more often),  yank out tampon  (ouch, must you yank?), strategies for getting tampon out (this one should be pretty simple, did you not know that was what the string was for?) and the all time fave…

obama covered with tampons (just the visual alone is hysterical. yes I posted about this one already, so sue me)

There were a few more that I loved, but I need to be selective, right? Feel free to vote for your faves. And claim any of them if they were yours.

5 Comments

Filed under absurdities, humor, search engine terms, searches, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

August 12, 2008 · 10:29 pm

If You Give a House a Cookie…

Where to begin on this crazy homeowner’s tale? First, let me say this crap always happens to me the week before my kids come home. Second, this one is a little long, but if you own a house you will sympathize. If you don’t, call the super and go out for a margharita!

The other day we had the WILDEST storm of the summer. Hell hath no fury like a summer storm (wait, isn’t that woman scorned? whatevs). So in comes this crazy mother of a storm with wind and rain and dark skies and hailstones the size of baseballs (slight exaggeration – but hail scares the crap out of me). The poor dog was fuh-ree-kin’!

While multi-tasking (talking on the phone, throwing in a load of laundry and doing the 30th revision on a job) I walked into the kid’s ‘playroom’ in the basement outside my office and heard the rushing of water. Not a good thing. Source of said water? The wall behind the TV, VCR, cable box and prized possession of all 16-year-old boys… the X-Box. Not good. Not good at all.

My first reaction was to pull out the plug on the powerstrip where the water was rushing down the wall over the socket. Second thought? ‘Today is not a good day to die’. Being the lucid homeowner, I shut the power strip, pulled the plugs from it and dragged all the equipment to drier pastures.

1 Wet-Vac (note to self: buy a filter, this thing could make penicillin), 2 fans, pulling back of the carpet and the antibacterial padding (laid last year a week before my kids came home – see a pattern here?), some lovely Gardenia carpet freshener and 12 hours of the dehumidifier and I am as good as new?

Don’t be silly. In the course of the flooding episode I went to get towels from the basement linen closet. Ohhhhh, I said to myself, this could be why this bathroom has smelled like mildew all summer. There, in the closet was a pile of towels and blankets… soaked layers deep. And was this from the storm? Of course not, this was from the water main valve to my house that was leaking! Now if you know anything about houses, this is the valve that you shut of when you have a leak. So you ask, what happens when IT has a leak? Or worse, when it really goes. Well, the answer to that is that you are fucked!

Luckily, I was only pre-fucked (that sounds a lot more fun than it really is, believe me). Called the trusty plumber who asks, ‘do you know where the water district shut off valve is?’ and I answered, ‘I have only lived here for 20 years, why would I know that. I am a Jew for G-d’s sake!” He tells me to call the water district who should be back from lunch by 1:00. (and I am thinking, why does the whole district take lunch at the same time?). Now they come down, find the valve, spray paint it blue – which looks lovely in the middle of my lawn – and they are on their way (should I have tipped them? I tip everyone, drives Gary nuts).

Enter the plumber again. We love him. He told me to tell them the valve was about to go and I needed to be a priority and they came right away. He is my favorite worker. AND he does not have the crack of his ass showing when he bends down so he is no stereotype, this guy.

Wait, what was the point of this whole story? Oh right…

I always loved this book!

(BTW, check me out today at Mid-Century Modern Moms. I am guest blogging there on Wednesdays for awhile. And check out my new photo blog leaving the zip code. Check the details on the Submit page, this sucker is going to a group project. Yes, I still have time to work. I don’t watch much TV and I don’t sleep much).

11 Comments

Filed under homeowner, humor, humor

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,

July 30, 2008 · 10:23 pm

Top Ten Search Terms (vol 1.)

It is great fun to check the stats section on WordPress and see what search terms have led people to this blog. Below you will find my top ten for the month. Each one has a link (or links) to the posts they must have found – and of course a little commentary.

I am thinking this will be a fun thing to do at the end of every month.

10. big sandwich: this could be one of two: F the Botox. Eat a Big Sandwich or Sandwich Generation, (hold the mayo)

9. what to do if mice are in the basement: Chairman of the Basement (but now that they mention it I am pretty sure there are mice living in the wall of my office)

8. what makes a car stink?: Remember the Stink in Seinfeld’s Car?

7. lab dies at groomers, July 2008: ooo, that sounds awful, my story is just funny. Dog in Street…

6. nail salon dead baby: (I am a bit concerned about why someone would keyword this, aren’t you?)The Grim Reaper at the Nail Salon

5. used her thong to save her life: no, no you silly searcher, that was the bra that saved her:Bras Save Lives (or mammary survival techniques) the thong caused injury worthy of a lawsuit: Thong Danger

4. tampon daughter: Bowling for Tampons (with or without your daughter this is fun) or more likely Do Not Flush Tampons… EVER

3. lazy jew parents send kids to camp: ouch! I will try to let that one slide in the name of being a readership whore. Sleepaway. 10 for 2.

2. i could cry but i don’t want to: I am thinking this person has missed the whole point and probably does not get my sense of humor.

and my number one fave – as I have asked this question many times…

1. am i menopausal or insane: Rebranding Menopause.

Thanks for playing folks and tune back in at the end of next month for more crazy search antics.

13 Comments

Filed under humor, search engine terms, searches

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

July 28, 2008 · 9:34 pm

Kick-ass Signage

Kickboxing in rear? Nope, can’t make this stuff up. Did no one notice how funny that sign was going to come out? We saw a handicapped parking spot next to the sign as we drove away. Kind of odd.

This is Rhode Island. The quirkiest state in the country. How I love it there. Oddities are the norm and everyone is ok with that. We always have so much fun when we go there. The sense of place is incredible and hard to explain if you have never visited.

Here is a state where nothing is more than a half hour away. Beautiful beaches, quaint little villages, boating everywhere, the glamour of Newport and the sophistication of Providence, all within a short drive of one another. And how could you not love the state where Family Guy takes place?

Of course the friends that we visit have an enormous amount to do with why the place is so magical for us. They are social printers and I swear they know every resident in the state. There is not a life cycle event they have not helped announce. Walking down the street with them anywhere in the state you are bound to meet someone they know. Not to mention the fact that they employ some of the most interesting people with the most colorful pasts.

By the end of the weekend they had both become excellent bird dogs for blog post material. Thanks Steven and Donna for a great time and the best blueberry scones in the east.

1 Comment

Filed under humor, road signs, signage

Tagged as , , , ,

July 7, 2008 · 9:44 pm

Top Ten Ways to be a Perfect House Guest

1. Bring steamed lobsters for dinner (over 2 lbs) check

2. Buy clever lobster forks and citrus slicer from Crate and Barrel. check

3. Empty the dishwasher when you wake up. check

4. Bring 3 Stooges DVD for husbands to watch (with hands down their pants). check

5. Ride to the market to get supplies. check

6. Take ferries at convenient times. check

7. Bring a dog that does not shed. uhhhhh, sorry. thought the grooming would handle that! (labs have a tendency to shed full puppies in the heat.)

8. Bring dog that does not bark incessantly. really, she never barks like this at home. honest.

9. Don’t break the rod when you go fishing. hmmm… jews are not great fisherman. we prefer the fish market, “i’ll take a pound and a half of salmon…”

10. Don’t break the plumbing when taking a shower…

Yeh, well, that one didn’t work out all that well. My poor husband. Everyone else was using the outdoor shower (who wouldn’t). But no, he thought he would just jump into the seldom used indoor one before dinner. Seems when he turned the faucet… it kept turning. And turning. And would not shut off!

Ok, so now we have dinner ready in 20 minutes, a ferry to catch in an hour and a half and the scene in the bathroom would be:

My husband in a towel, the homeowner and his Sharper Image toolkit (only Jews own these – and they might be a collector’s item these days. honestly, would an Irish or Italian guy be caught dead with these metrosexual tools?), the homeowner’s brother-in-law, the neighbor and HIS brother-in-law (why so many in-laws?) inside the shower TOGETHER (calling this the beginning of a porn film) and of course both of the dogs trying to get in on the action. (mine finally not barking, thank goodness).

Needless to say the only solution was to shut all the water in the house and only turn it on (and the shower of course) when needed. And a plumber on a barrier island on the Saturday night of a holiday weekend? Non-existent.

Thanks, Sam and Katie, for being such good sports during our Annual Fourth of July Visit. Only dear old friends like yourselves would be so cool about all this. I promise by July 4, 2012, when you decide to invite us back again we will be sure to work on items 7-10 above.

Then again, as Sam said, “What makes you think you will be invited back so soon…”

3 Comments

Filed under friendship, humor, travel

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,