Tag Archives: hail

If You Give a House a Cookie…

Where to begin on this crazy homeowner’s tale? First, let me say this crap always happens to me the week before my kids come home. Second, this one is a little long, but if you own a house you will sympathize. If you don’t, call the super and go out for a margharita!

The other day we had the WILDEST storm of the summer. Hell hath no fury like a summer storm (wait, isn’t that woman scorned? whatevs). So in comes this crazy mother of a storm with wind and rain and dark skies and hailstones the size of baseballs (slight exaggeration – but hail scares the crap out of me). The poor dog was fuh-ree-kin’!

While multi-tasking (talking on the phone, throwing in a load of laundry and doing the 30th revision on a job) I walked into the kid’s ‘playroom’ in the basement outside my office and heard the rushing of water. Not a good thing. Source of said water? The wall behind the TV, VCR, cable box and prized possession of all 16-year-old boys… the X-Box. Not good. Not good at all. 

My first reaction was to pull out the plug on the powerstrip where the water was rushing down the wall over the socket. Second thought? ‘Today is not a good day to die’. Being the lucid homeowner, I shut the power strip, pulled the plugs from it and dragged all the equipment to drier pastures. 

1 Wet-Vac (note to self: buy a filter, this thing could make penicillin), 2 fans, pulling back of the carpet and the antibacterial padding (laid last year a week before my kids came home – see a pattern here?), some lovely Gardenia carpet freshener and 12 hours of the dehumidifier and I am as good as new?

Don’t be silly. In the course of the flooding episode I went to get towels from the basement linen closet. Ohhhhh, I said to myself, this could be why this bathroom has smelled like mildew all summer. There, in the closet was a pile of towels and blankets… soaked layers deep. And was this from the storm? Of course not, this was from the water main valve to my house that was leaking! Now if you know anything about houses, this is the valve that you shut of when you have a leak. So you ask, what happens when IT has a leak? Or worse, when it really goes. Well, the answer to that is that you are fucked!

Luckily, I was only pre-fucked (that sounds a lot more fun than it really is, believe me). Called the trusty plumber who asks, ‘do you know where the water district shut off valve is?’ and I answered, ‘I have only lived here for 20 years, why would I know that. I am a Jew for G-d’s sake!” He tells me to call the water district who should be back from lunch by 1:00. (and I am thinking, why does the whole district take lunch at the same time?). Now they come down, find the valve, spray paint it blue – which looks lovely in the middle of my lawn – and they are on their way (should I have tipped them? I tip everyone, drives Gary nuts).

Enter the plumber again. We love him. He told me to tell them the valve was about to go and I needed to be a priority and they came right away. He is my favorite worker. AND he does not have the crack of his ass showing when he bends down so he is no stereotype, this guy.

Wait, what was the point of this whole story? Oh right…

I always loved this book!

(BTW, check me out today at Mid-Century Modern Moms. I am guest blogging there on Wednesdays for awhile. And check out my new photo blog leaving the zip code. Check the details on the Submit page, this sucker is going to a group project. Yes, I still have time to work. I don’t watch much TV and I don’t sleep much).

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Filed under homeowner, humor, humor