Tag Archives: plumber

Can it fit in a toilet?

This is the first question that Gary asks when told about a small dog. He is not a fan. (can you tell?) Being a big dog kind of guy I think this is his way of saying if you can flush it then there is no real argument for it having any pet value. I always sort of worry that he might actually try it one day. Then again, he used to call them puntable dogs and I never actually witnessed him drop kicking one, so I assume it is just his slang.

Anyway, this post is not really about small dogs. It is actually about toilets. And the crazy things that accidentally get flushed down them.

It seems that when shit happens (no pun intended), it usually happens in a big way in my house. We don’t like to do single crises. You could say we are calamity over-achievers.

So, as a quick overview, in the past few weeks I have been diagnosed with vertigo (it passed thankfully, except in extreme circular situations or when I hold my head funny), I chipped a tooth on a piece of toast and the biggie, my dad needed to have his pacemaker changed. He has had it done before, but being a long-term multi-issue cardiac patient it is a bit tricky. In all the confusion of family staying over and rotating bathroom schedules somehow the cap from the air freshener found its way into the bowl just as the water was going down.

Now, you may say to yourself, that cap is too damn big to go down a toilet.


Down it went and off to the hospital we went, with a call into my plumber of 22 years. Who, by the way, has still not returned my call from 9 this morning. So, yes, he is no longer on the preferred vendor list here. But another lovely plumber with some kickass blue super sonic gloves, a really cool telescoping mirror (kind of like the one the dentist uses, Dr. Jimmy, but a little less sterile) and the ever famous…

toilet vacuum! Yep, this baby sucked that cap right out of the toilet like it was nothing. And I am proud to say I now have the cleanest toilet in town. Kind of like a toilet colonic, if you will.

Of course I had to ask this guy what was the oddest thing he has ever seen flushed down a toilet? His answer?

False teeth.

EW! On so many levels


Filed under absurdities, family, gary

The Three Joes

Joe update: no license, no really plan on how to buy the biz. And the reason he thought a press conference was a good idea? Score another vetting screw-up for the McCain camp. No biggie, this morning I already heard that Jane was the new Joe. Jeez, fame is fleeting in these times!

Ahhhh, another debate. How did I ever watch without Twitter. My fave comment of all times was about The Three Joes: Biden, Six-Pack and The Plumber. Did all elections have so many cartoonish sound bites? Here is a link from the BBFF Liz that tells you more about who this (in)famous guy is in real life. 

Somewhere after the third ‘Joe the Plumber’, Twitter actually put up a most popular category for ‘Plumber’. Can’t make this stuff up!

I made a joke about wanting an ‘I heart Joe the Plumber’ T-shirt and could not resist putting up a Cafepress shop. So here you go peops. Get yours here. And pass this onto your friends. You can even get yourself a nice little button, bumper sticker or mug. I may not be the only one with this idea out there but I am the one you love the best, right?

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Filed under fashion, humor, t-shirts, trends

If You Give a House a Cookie…

Where to begin on this crazy homeowner’s tale? First, let me say this crap always happens to me the week before my kids come home. Second, this one is a little long, but if you own a house you will sympathize. If you don’t, call the super and go out for a margharita!

The other day we had the WILDEST storm of the summer. Hell hath no fury like a summer storm (wait, isn’t that woman scorned? whatevs). So in comes this crazy mother of a storm with wind and rain and dark skies and hailstones the size of baseballs (slight exaggeration – but hail scares the crap out of me). The poor dog was fuh-ree-kin’!

While multi-tasking (talking on the phone, throwing in a load of laundry and doing the 30th revision on a job) I walked into the kid’s ‘playroom’ in the basement outside my office and heard the rushing of water. Not a good thing. Source of said water? The wall behind the TV, VCR, cable box and prized possession of all 16-year-old boys… the X-Box. Not good. Not good at all. 

My first reaction was to pull out the plug on the powerstrip where the water was rushing down the wall over the socket. Second thought? ‘Today is not a good day to die’. Being the lucid homeowner, I shut the power strip, pulled the plugs from it and dragged all the equipment to drier pastures. 

1 Wet-Vac (note to self: buy a filter, this thing could make penicillin), 2 fans, pulling back of the carpet and the antibacterial padding (laid last year a week before my kids came home – see a pattern here?), some lovely Gardenia carpet freshener and 12 hours of the dehumidifier and I am as good as new?

Don’t be silly. In the course of the flooding episode I went to get towels from the basement linen closet. Ohhhhh, I said to myself, this could be why this bathroom has smelled like mildew all summer. There, in the closet was a pile of towels and blankets… soaked layers deep. And was this from the storm? Of course not, this was from the water main valve to my house that was leaking! Now if you know anything about houses, this is the valve that you shut of when you have a leak. So you ask, what happens when IT has a leak? Or worse, when it really goes. Well, the answer to that is that you are fucked!

Luckily, I was only pre-fucked (that sounds a lot more fun than it really is, believe me). Called the trusty plumber who asks, ‘do you know where the water district shut off valve is?’ and I answered, ‘I have only lived here for 20 years, why would I know that. I am a Jew for G-d’s sake!” He tells me to call the water district who should be back from lunch by 1:00. (and I am thinking, why does the whole district take lunch at the same time?). Now they come down, find the valve, spray paint it blue – which looks lovely in the middle of my lawn – and they are on their way (should I have tipped them? I tip everyone, drives Gary nuts).

Enter the plumber again. We love him. He told me to tell them the valve was about to go and I needed to be a priority and they came right away. He is my favorite worker. AND he does not have the crack of his ass showing when he bends down so he is no stereotype, this guy.

Wait, what was the point of this whole story? Oh right…

I always loved this book!

(BTW, check me out today at Mid-Century Modern Moms. I am guest blogging there on Wednesdays for awhile. And check out my new photo blog leaving the zip code. Check the details on the Submit page, this sucker is going to a group project. Yes, I still have time to work. I don’t watch much TV and I don’t sleep much).

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Filed under homeowner, humor, humor

Do Not Flush Tampons… EVER

This one is pretty clear. It is the ‘EVER’ that really scares me into never even thinking of flushing a tampon. Funny, but I don’t even use them anymore (sans uterus) but I still feel guilty about all the ones I flushed in those very toilets 30 years ago.

As I have proven before, nothing funnier than a tampons post (unless maybe you count a flying penis).

This is an actual sign from the bathroom at my daughter’s camp, although I must admit that I took this shot a few years ago and found it in the camp archives. No matter, the message is timeless.

Imagine running a girl’s camp in the mountains. Now imagine being the plumber for the person that runs the girl’s camp in the mountains. It is safe to say this guy spends 80% of his time, not trout fishing in the lake, but tampon fishing in the toilets. I am thinking he probably must be mighty cranky about spending his summer this way. How considerate of these girls to try to end his plight.

Another great thing about this shot that is lost at this size and resolution is the graffiti. For decades we have been told not to write on these walls, but we cannot help ourselves. (the arts and crafts shack has my name all over the place). You can’t see it clearly but to the right of the sign it reads:

“jayme penis (hearts) ryan petafile insest’.

OOOOOK then. Spelling issues aside, are we not just a little bit worried about Jayme and Ryan here?


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Filed under family, humor, parenting, signage, women