Category Archives: humor

October 23, 2009 · 10:19 pm

Like a Sex Machine…

engrish-funny-sex-machine

This amazing photo is from the James Brown Memorial Steakhouse in Osaka via engrishfunny.com That is one James Brown sized piece of meat in that picture! With all the bad press surrounding his passing I though perhaps a little fond memory of The Godfather of Soul was in order today.

Amy and Gary trivia: We walked back down the aisle at our wedding after the ceremony to James Browns’ I Feel Good. (We thought Sex Machine was inappropriate – get up… get on up!).

Here’s a little James Brown to brighten up your day. I dare you to Feel Bad when you watch this baby. That jacket alone could make anyone happy! So Good!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visitLeaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 21, 2009 · 6:40 pm

Toilet Paper Advertising Smackdown

I must have died and gone to promotion heaven. For the second day this week a toilet paper brand is in the headlines. Yesterday I wrote about Cottonelle’s suggestion that maybe we were not wiping all that well. Today, thanks to my friend, Jessica Gottlieb, I found this Advertising Age article about Charmin’s latest PR program: enjoy the go.

charmin-enjoy-the-go

This one is sheer brilliance. Sorry Cottonelle, I remain brand loyal to Charmin and their program kicks ass… wipes.

A Help Wanted ad is a casting call for 5 bloggers to become Charmin Ambassadors. The job description and qualifications call for someone to greet and entertain bathroom guests at the Charmin Restrooms in Times Square and then blog about it. The job runs from November 23rd  through December 31st with a salary of $10,000. This should get around the new FTC blogger guidelines quite nicely.

This is my favorite line:

All candidates must really, really enjoy going to the bathroom.

Honestly, if you know me you also know there is NOBODY who enjoys going to the bathroom more than I do.

I know what you are all thinking, who better than the Magnet For the Absurd (MFTA) for this job. Yeh, well, maybe 20 years ago. But I think for now I will just be content to go down to the Hilton on November 5th with my camera and Flip. Every freak in NYC will be there for sure. I should be right at home.

Good ole Mr. Whipple must be spinning in his grave!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, humor, magnet for the absurd, marketing, New York City, news

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October 20, 2009 · 7:53 pm

Wipes are Not Just for Baby Butts Anymore

toilet-paper

The scene: My breakfast table with a cup of coffee and the NYT business section (that I fought with Gary to keep, BTW)

The article: Adult Toilet Training, from Madison Ave.

I would like to dedicate this post to my family, especially my brother and nephews, because no one loves a good chat about the bathroom better than the ‘Z’ family.

Let’s see, where to start? Ok, how about a quick overview. This is an article about the marketing of none other than an item that is close to all our… well you get what I mean; toilet paper.

It appears that all these years of wiping our asses and we have not been doing it correctly. That’s right. You see, now they are marketing toilet paper along with moist flushable wipes. Yep, just like the ones we used to clean up junior with when s/he had a super-doody-blow-out. Apparently ‘dry paper’ just does not do the job it should. I would think this combo would be great for all you out there who feel compelled to shower after each dump. C’mon, you know who you are. Yes, you would be the ones jotting down the product name for the moist flushable wipes.

Now, here is a priceless quote straight from brand management:

“Dry toilet paper is generally thought of as being a functional product, and a lot of brands in the category talk about strength and softness,” said Courtney DeSalvatore, a brand manager for Cottonelle wipes. “But we are reframing the Cottonelle brand as a personal care brand, which is a much more emotional space.”

Oh yeh, now we’re talking. I don’t know about you but there is nothing more emotional than the space where I drop the kids off at the pool (that one was for my daughter). You’ve heard this famous quote before, right? “Crap to the point of tears.”

It gets better. Cottonelle has put up this snappy microsite cottonelleinstitute.com.  Actually, quite nicely excecuted if it were not so ridiculous. Kind of campy and beautifully designed. But do we really want to spend this much time thinking about the act of wiping? This surely rivals Bowling for Tampons. How’s this for a mission statement:

“At the Cottonelle Institute of Sensitive Skin Care, we believe that the gentle care you give to the rest of your sensitive parts should also go to your buns.”

Um, well, yeh, I guess they are right.

You can set up a sensitivity profile and they direct you to the right kind of toilet paper or wipes to use. No really. I’m not kidding. You may also want to check out The Lounge ‘where you can relax, play games and let your caboose loose’.

Wait, wouldn’t a loose caboose require additional wiping?

I can not help but think of the South Park Chipolte Away episode I saw recently. That link is worth a click. Gary and I were dying when we watched that episode.

Here is one last thought I have on this topic. Of all the crap I read this morning in the business section, this was by far the most useful. (sorry, cheap shot)

Now you will excuse me but I think I need to go…

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 14, 2009 · 8:27 pm

Snow Bird…

snow-bird-sex-drive

Snow Bird.

Sex Drive.

Sex Drive.

I believe the missing license plate in that sequence would be:

Cialis*

I found the juxtaposition of these quite funny. Even funnier, the fact that Sex Drive had to be repeated. Was it for reasons of hearing, eyesight or poor memory?

*if you have an erection for more than 4 hours, call your doctor (favorite disclaimer/tagline of all times).

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visitLeaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, health, humor, photography, places of interest, products, signage, vacation

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October 11, 2009 · 10:45 pm

Master Bait and Tackle

IMG_3978

Need I say more? Gary spotted this one as we were driving down the road. These guys have a wonderful sense of humor. You have to love a place like this. Oh, and  little plug for these guys cuz they were so nice when I went in to buy Gary a t-shirt.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 7, 2009 · 8:32 pm

Reading this blog will make you smarter

brains

The NYT article, How Nonsense Sharpens the Intellect, by Benedict Carey, hits home here at i could cry but i don’t have time. Was Mr. Carey writing this article specifically for me, the Magnet for the Absurd? It is almost like he is directly promoting this blog by telling my readers that they will be smarter if they read me everyday.

A stretch? Maybe. Feeling a little egocentric these days.

Mr. Carey reports on a study by Travis Proulx of the University of California, Santa Barbara and Steven J. Heine of  the University of British Columbia that suggests witnessing the absurd  may cause people to feel the need to rid themselves of the uneasy feeling by getting highly involved in something else which appears to improve some kinds of learning. The brain gropes for something that will bring a person back to anything that makes sense. The study gives college students an absurd story to read and then uses a test that is a standard measure of what researchers call implicit learning: knowledge gained without awareness. The students performed quite well compared to a group who had read a coherent story.

I love this quote from the article:

“Still, the new research supports what many experimental artists, habitual travelers and other novel seekers have always insisted: at least some of the time, disorientation begets creative thinking.”

Hey, don’t know about you, but I am surely no stranger to disorientation.

Ok, so here is my test. Think about it. Say you wake up in the morning and read a blog post about the mirdle,or the mansierre or maybe even Uranus underwear. Perhaps the women in a parking lot with her pet bird or kids on leashes and dogs in strollers. Maybe you read about Relations Auto Body or a drive through Prozac Country. Or better yet, for those who were not here from the beginning, bathroom branding (wow I am getting a nice portfolio of this stuff, right?)

Now take a look at how you perform a difficult task or learn a new skill right afterwards. Perhaps you are a student, you read one of these posts and then take an exam.

Don’t laugh, I could be on to something.

Now, how can I monetize this…

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 3, 2009 · 11:44 pm

Spy Mix

spy-mix

Ah, the Spy Mix; every mother’s dream vending machine. I love the safety warning in the corner. It is the traditional choking hazard. “The small toys, balls or marbles in this machine are not meant for children under the age of three.” The fact that these are weapons and handcuffs is not a problem, we just don’t want your toddler choking on them.

I saw this in a vending machine at the movie theatre. Anyone else find this an odd thing to have in a suburban movie theater? I can picture the little boys pumping quarters into this sucker trying with all their might to get those handcuffs, only to find out they will are too small to restrain anything bigger than maybe the cat.

Or how about walking into the local emergency room with your kid having one of those little guns wedged hopelessly up their nose.

What ever happened to the machines with those really big pieces of gum? Wasn’t that enough?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 29, 2009 · 8:17 pm

My true love of AAA

501px-AAA_logo.svg

I have been a AAA member on and off for many years. There is something comforting about knowing that you can have roadside assistance wherever you may be.

Hmmm, define ‘assistance’.

I have never called them before yesterday, and honestly I use the membership more for hotel discounts than anything else. I first called to rescue the keys from the trunk of the car. That went quite well, less than an hour and I was good to go.

Then, as if Mercury in Retrograde had not wreaked enough havoc with my family in the last however much time it has been wreaking, we were faced with an unfortunate blow out.

In the rain.

In the dark.

Again, I pulled out my trusty AAA card and gave them a ring, telling them it is hard to believe but I need their assistance for a second time that evening. A very polite women gets all my info, gives me a code # and sympathizes with my bad day. She was lovely. Everything is fine until…

Husband decides to change the tire.

In the rain(ish).

In the dark.

In a SUIT!

Screaming. Yelling. Name calling. Yadayadayada, I called back AAA and canceled the request. I will spare you the details of the need for a second round of calling and canceling, but you can imagine how angry I was by then. Telling the woman the story she says, “Now Amy, if you run him over with your car you will go to jail for a long time. Just withhold dinner for a few weeks.” I surely thought she would tell me to withhold something else.

After all this I decided  what I think the true definition of ‘assistance’ is:

When you are so angry you are considering spousal homicide, they talk you down.

All kidding aside, I cannot say enough good things about AAA, their service and their helpful and rather funny employees. You guys rock. I also want to thank you for not suspending my membership for too many calls in one day.

I would imagine you must have some kind of cry wolf clause in your contract, no?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 29, 2009 · 12:27 am

Time to (laugh till you) Cry Tuesday

Smoked Salmon Bagel

Jews were not meant to go without food.

It is a simple fact that without caloric intake, and surely caffeine, things can go haywire.

Big time.

Antics. That is the only way to explain the absurdity of the end of my day. Amy antics. To the nth degree.

Keep in mind that the patriarchs in the family are hearing about this for the first time with this blog post, so to my dad and father-in-law, sorry the bagels were not warmed up and really, it was all my fault.

Here goes. And understand that there is no way you could make this stuff up.

I, in my control freak fashion infinite kindness, tried to help my mother-in-law out by picking up the food for break fast and keeping it in my garage fridge so it would not spoil. On cooler days she can keep it on her terrace, but in the name of not wanting rancid smoked fish and egg salad, we offered to keep it here and bring it over to her house at 5 when my husband and the dads went back to closing services for Yom Kippur.

For reasons of logistics I was taking my dad’s car. I loaded the trunk, closed it and realized I had just…

locked the keys in the trunk!

Yeh, well that did not suck much. I was going to run to my parents house (35 minutes away) to get another set of keys when my mother-in-law, in her infinite wisdom suggested AAA. The fact that she was not ready to kill me at this point is truly amazing.

I begged the guy on the phone to get here ASAP telling him how my dad was going to kill me. Then promptly told him how old I was when he replied, “hey, I am 62 and I am still afraid of my mother! She used to chase me with a wooden spoon.” Alrighty, then.

Sure enough they sent a locksmith within in the hour.

My man Andre! Oh, how I loved him. Especially when we found out that the trunk release button did not work unless the key was in the ignition. If you are still with me here, THE KEYS WERE IN THE DAMN TRUNK. He used the little entry to the trunk through the armrest in the back seat and somehow navigated around platters and bagels and kugels to find those keys. And during it all gave some sage-like advice about some higher reason why we should not be where we were supposed to be at that moment and that is why this happened.

Zen locksmith.

And then it started to rain.

Luckily we got there about 15 minutes before the starving temple guys and made a quick effort of getting it all together.

Sorry dad, but don’t worry, the car is fine. Thanks to my mother-in-law for being such a good sport and my mom for staying calm and sharing a good (nervous) laugh through it all.

Moral of the story:

Stay out of it and risk the rancid fish on the terrace.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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September 26, 2009 · 9:55 pm

Outrageous Emails

We all get them from time to time. Those outrageous emails that either inform you of the millions you can claim from some Nigerian bank or the those that are complete nonsense and sound like a foreigner randomly picked words to string together.

This morning I woke up to one of the best ones I have ever received. I have decided since I am truly the Magnet For the Absurd (MFTA) I am going to brand this sucker. So for now on when you see this logo you will know what to expect.

mfta moment

Here is today’s email:

Subject: Equal had awakened them and his.

Copied to: A2disco@optonline.net (I LOVE this email address)

Message: a black in plain clothes and yellow slippers who was gliding to recognise his style immediately. go ashore; and looked upon the spires, and roofs and smoke, of

That was it, typos and grammatical errors and all. Left me hanging with ‘of’. Of what, for crap sake?! How could this Sonja Bryan (wilsonqupafa47@finessraeder.de) have left me hanging at such a crucial point in the story?

Oh how I long to know what happens to this ‘black in plain clothes and yellow slippers’. Perhaps I will start a new series where we fill in the story where it leaves off.

Any takers? Feel free to continue writing this story in the comments.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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