Category Archives: absurdities

October 24, 2010 · 9:13 pm

Longuyland

Saw this t-shirt in the hospital gift shop the other day and was simultaneously enchanted and annoyed that I did not make it. I have posted about our ‘accent’ here on the Island of Long because I always get a kick out of the way people speak.

Urban dictionary has defined the word and has a great sentence as an example of how to use it, “I’m walkin’-tawlkin’-cawfee all day in Longuyland.”

When I am tired my accent is pretty bad. If you ask my brother who moved when he was 18, it is always bad.

Jana and I both thought this was sort of a weird item for a hospital gift shop, but hey, I am sure it gets plenty of laughs.

Of course it comes in black as well. But somehow I think the bright green adds to the tackiness.

Anyone interested in owning one? I would be happy to scoot back over and pick it up for you.

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October 20, 2010 · 11:16 pm

Can it fit in a toilet?

This is the first question that Gary asks when told about a small dog. He is not a fan. (can you tell?) Being a big dog kind of guy I think this is his way of saying if you can flush it then there is no real argument for it having any pet value. I always sort of worry that he might actually try it one day. Then again, he used to call them puntable dogs and I never actually witnessed him drop kicking one, so I assume it is just his slang.

Anyway, this post is not really about small dogs. It is actually about toilets. And the crazy things that accidentally get flushed down them.

It seems that when shit happens (no pun intended), it usually happens in a big way in my house. We don’t like to do single crises. You could say we are calamity over-achievers.

So, as a quick overview, in the past few weeks I have been diagnosed with vertigo (it passed thankfully, except in extreme circular situations or when I hold my head funny), I chipped a tooth on a piece of toast and the biggie, my dad needed to have his pacemaker changed. He has had it done before, but being a long-term multi-issue cardiac patient it is a bit tricky. In all the confusion of family staying over and rotating bathroom schedules somehow the cap from the air freshener found its way into the bowl just as the water was going down.

Now, you may say to yourself, that cap is too damn big to go down a toilet.

Wrong!

Down it went and off to the hospital we went, with a call into my plumber of 22 years. Who, by the way, has still not returned my call from 9 this morning. So, yes, he is no longer on the preferred vendor list here. But another lovely plumber with some kickass blue super sonic gloves, a really cool telescoping mirror (kind of like the one the dentist uses, Dr. Jimmy, but a little less sterile) and the ever famous…

toilet vacuum! Yep, this baby sucked that cap right out of the toilet like it was nothing. And I am proud to say I now have the cleanest toilet in town. Kind of like a toilet colonic, if you will.

Of course I had to ask this guy what was the oddest thing he has ever seen flushed down a toilet? His answer?

False teeth.

EW! On so many levels

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October 17, 2010 · 11:20 pm

60 Minutes and Erectile Dysfunction

Nope, they did not do a piece on 60 minutes about E.D. But they might has well have.

I was busy cooking away and more listening than watching 60 minutes tonight and first came (no pun) the new Viagra spot. It’s all Steve McQueenish with bluesy music and a classic car, the open road and a dusty gas station in the middle of nowhere. You can view it here.

I love this line: “This is the age of getting things done.” Oh jeez. Yeh baby, you can still ‘get things done’.  And then there is the bottled water spilling oh so sensually into the radiator. Yowza. But the line that got me the most was something about finding out what 20 million men already know.

Really? 20 million men have used Viagra. Damn, that’s a lot of wood! I am hard-pressed (again, no pun) to believe that all 20 mil actually suffer from E.D. What percentage do you think take it just to see… well you know.

Second spot was for Cialis. This brand has the best ‘warning’ line of all times: “To avoid serious injury, tell your doctor if you sustain an erection for more than 4 hours.’ I always wonder, ‘injury to who?’ This is Gary’s favorite. He loves how they made a warning line into a tagline.

So here is the thing. Two E.D. med ads during a single half hour of 60 minutes. Am I to believe that young guys don’t watch 60 mintues?

Yep, this is the sort of thing I think about when I am cooking.

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October 17, 2010 · 12:59 am

Patriotism

Nope, not retouched. This is a house I passed last weekend in MA. At first I thought it was abandoned but then I saw there was smoke coming out of its chimney.

Got to love their patriotism. Although I might have to doubt their decorating taste. At least they were not hostile about  it like these guys.

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October 6, 2010 · 11:34 pm

Naked Cowboy Runs for President

Yes, kiddies, our old friend the Naked Cowboy is in the news again. This time he is not suing anyone for using his (not so) intellectual property in their advertising. He has actually announced his candidacy for president.

He held his press conference dressed in a suit. We are supposed to recognize him with his clothes on why?

And for what party would our old friend be running… you guessed it, the Tea(bag) Party. Oh the countless Sarah Palin jokes we could spin from this one!

So let’s see, “Sir, what are your qualifications?” “Well, I am able to withstand extreme temperatures in my skivvies”. Yup, that’s all I need in a national leader, how about you? I have to admit I sort of like his logo and the Blues Bros. pose in this picture.

He will be keeping company with the likes of a Delaware candidate who assured us – in a damn TV commercial – that she is not a witch. And the raving lunatic thug from Buffalo who has built almost his entire candidacy on anger and threats and thinks that sending racist and sexist emails to his friends is ok, as long as they are not public. Huh?

Although I do find this all amusing on some level, does it concern anyone else that political campaigns have reached a new level of circus?

Or should I say rodeo.

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October 5, 2010 · 6:17 pm

Awareness Weeks

During the course of my work I occasionally get involved with creating graphics for different awareness weeks or months. Usually these are disease-related and we need to create a look and feel for these events. I love patient information work, it makes me feel like during the course of making a living I am at least helping to educate patients and families, making the navigation through the unpleasant a bit more palatable.

Ok, I recognize this is (so far) not a very funny blog post.

I always start a project by procrastinating on the internet in the name of research, or as we like to refer to it in the business – doing a search on what is currently in the market. This week was no different. Here are a few of my favorites that I thought you might find entertaining.

Handwashing Awareness Week (Dec 5-11). Funny, but a good idea. And this site called Henry the Hand – Champion Handwasher, just kills me. I love the remake of Hand Jive that they use as their sound track.

Mathematics Awareness Month (April) because you can never get too much math!

Aggressive Driving Month Hmm, I know a few people who could ‘celebrate’ this… you know who you are, I will not call you out. Looks like this one was dreamed up by a promo company, go fig. Talk about a ‘Hallmark Holiday’.

National Ethics Awareness Month (March) Note: not observed on Wall Street (oops, so sorry to my finance friends, cheap shot but you can take it)

Optimism Month (oddly the same as Ethics month in March) Pessimists need not celebrate.

But, by far the best thing I stumbled upon today was…

Rabbit Awareness Week (April 22 – May 2nd) “…because rabbits get a RAW deal”. Get it RAW… Rabbit Awareness Week. Hey, if I have to explain this to you forget it, ok? Believe it or not this is a week and a website (nicely designed BTW) dedicated to fighting what I consider to be one of the great tragedies of our time…

Rabbit Obesity.

Seriously, I have nothing more to say after that.

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September 29, 2010 · 8:50 pm

Spaghetti Muffins?

No joke, I took this picture at the store located conveniently at the end of our block, Uncle Giuseppe’s Marketplace. Go ahead, click that link and listen to the music on that site. Believe it or not, every time I shop there I am subjected to that! What happened to Beatles Muzak?

Back to the spaghetti muffins, at the economical price of 3.99 each. So what are these? Main course? Side dish? Hockey puck? What do you think the binding agent in these suckers are? And just for kicks, how many points on Weight Watchers? (does WW still use points?)

So, my friends, I showed this picture to Gary who told me they are just called spaghetti muffins, that is not really spaghetti in them? REALLY, hon? What would that be then, twine?

Not going to lie, I was in there again tonight picking up some ingredients and was really tempted to buy him one of these.

Anyone in PW try them yet? Please do tell!

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September 26, 2010 · 10:50 pm

From Cremation to Abscess

There is something about those old Seinfeld episodes, or more recently Curb Your Enthusiasm or even Arrested Development; you wonder how the writers think up those crazy story lines.

Honestly, I would imagine almost all of them are based, at least loosely, on the writers’ own family archives. My family is no different.

Tonight I was lucky to have dinner with my aunt and uncle who are in town from Florida. Through the years we have always laughed at the stories that come up at our family dinner tables. It never fails that there will be a story about death… we are Jews after all. If not someone recently dying there is the perpetual care at the cemetery to complain about (what the hell is perpetual care, anyway?).

Tonight did not disappoint. The evening opened with a bizarre story about a deceased overweight family member and the amount of ashes his cremation produced (I know, ew!) and ended somewhere around a story surrounding an abscess of someone I am pretty sure I don’t know.

The poor waitress was torn between staring at the accident of our conversation and wanting to run away as quickly as she could in between courses.

I for one, was little disappointed that we did not have time to cover the bodily functions topics that usually end the meal. This was in respect to my aunt who requested that we not go there with the remnants of the chocolate dessert melting on the table.

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September 25, 2010 · 4:55 pm

Cotton Sperm

As I was going to walk the dogs this morning i spotted this on the garage floor. I could not help but think, ‘hey, there is a cotton sperm’. This could be because I have spent the last few weeks working on a fertility project for work. Or I am just predisposed to seeing sperm in things…

Gary argues at first glance this is either a dead mouse or a tampon. So, since it has been a while, I thought it was time for a friendly poll. Please weigh in.

And remember to pay attention to the details of you your day. The ones that you would normally pass by make for interesting conversation (or grounds to have you committed at a later date).

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September 22, 2010 · 6:51 pm

Everybody Loves a Good Fart Whistle

Hell yeh, let’s Party like crazy with some fart whistles! What could be better?

No, this is not a mock pack of something I dreamed up inside my sordid little mind. These suckers are right off the shelf of the party section at Target. I only regret I did not buy a case of these. Seriously, can you think of a party where these would not be a big hit?

I believe they are simply the fart part of the the whoopie cushion without the pillow part.

But please parents, no matter how tempting, do not buy these for kids under 5, there is a choking hazard warning. I am not sure if they would actually choke or simply fart uncontrollably from their mouths as they are tubular and allow the air to pass through. Perhaps it would more correctly be a die of embarrassment hazard.

In case you are wondering why I bought them, other than the obvious need to blog about this little morsel of MFTA…

They were part of my son’s 18 birthday presents. I will have to ask him how they worked out in the dorm. (hopefully not in library).


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