Monthly Archives: November 2009

Move over Viagra, now there’s sex GUM!

While buying suntan lotion at Walgreen’s in South Beach I came across Sexlet – the sex gum, at the check out counter. Talk about an impulse buy! I have to admit I find the name rather annoying. Are they trying to do a play on sex and chicklets? Not working for me.

Nonetheless, I was intrigued by the package and then drawn in by the claims on the counter card:

Sexlets™ for him (kind of put off that there is no Sexlets for her) claims to be a proprietary blend of natural male stimulating ingredients (boring so far) which are directly absorbed into the the body’s bloodstream (still very boring). Chewing the gum releases these natural actives and allow absorption through the capillaries (what is this, middle school health class sex, how disappointing). Then a whole bunch of digestive system stuff – talk about a buzz kill. And THEN…

….which cause an increase in blood flow (hmmm, blood flow moves in the right direction). This consequently makes for a larger, thicker penis with longer, harder, firmer and more powerful erections. (NOW we’re talkin’ – oh jeez, mom, so sorry, I know you are reading this).

Wait, all this from GUM? OTC? What a claim. Send a case to everyone for the holidays!

Now, I bet you would expect the follow-up line to be, ” If you have an erection for more than 4 hours, call your doctor.” But no, not this product. Their following line is: “Chewing gum promotes saliva which according to dentists (Dr. Jimmy, please confirm) helps maintain clean and healthy teeth and gums by eliminating promotion of bacteria”. Hey don’t know about you guys but talk of mouth bacteria surely does not put me in the mood.

So I bought this pack of gum and all weekend this became a great running joke. Wow, hot looking waiter, ask him if he needs gum. Hey the towel boy at the pool is a babe, think he needs some gum?

Ok, so we never gave any out. But I do have a pack here if anyone is interested. Maybe I should run a giveaway! Give me your most embarrassing dating story and I will send you a pack.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

7 Comments

Filed under absurdities, products, sex

What are you thinking

Over the next few days you will hear all the reasons why I love the W Hotel in Miami. This first reason is a biggie. How can I, the Magnet for the Absurd, ever resist a coaster in the bathroom under glass that asks me:

What are you thinking right at this very second?

Then, as if that were not endearing enough, I am told to:

(write it down)

Seriously, I had to look around that bathroom for the camera.

Talk about a brand that GETS me! I am smitten.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under carry a camera, companies, travel, Uncategorized

Clothing (or why everything looks like my bathrobe)

I have this bathrobe that I absolutely love. It is the replacement for one I left in a hotel in Madison when I moved my daughter out this fall. For those who are wondering about this item it looks like this and comes from the Gap. (go ahead, click that link, buy one and tell me it is not love!)

No that is not me, I would never where white pajama pants?

Away I went for the weekend and packed (all my black clothes that apparently look like my robe) and one pink sweater because Ellen told me I needed ‘a splash of color’ and she has been sick and I did not want to upset her.

First night there I wore my black dress that really doesn’t look like the robe but, well maybe. Got up to go to the pool and put on the black beach cover-up that ok, maybe looks like the dress from the night before but not the robe (I think).

Next night, we were getting dressed and I put on a shirt and the response was, “Seriously, that kind of looks like your robe.” So I changed and put on a tank and a vest. And the response to that was, “Give us a break, that really looks like you just cut the sleeves off the damn robe.”

Which leads me to this…

if the robe fits wear it. Who cares what anyone else thinks.

(ok, so I wore the pink sweater that night).

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under fashion, humor

Time to Cry Tuesday – Balance

I know, I know. This is a the longest I have been away from the blogosphere. I needed to cleanse, I suppose.

And cleanse I did. With a fine balance of caffeine and alcohol; laughter and tears; dear old friends and happily some dear new ones.

Ah, girls weekend. Who does not love the sound of that? Even when the ‘girls’ are turning 50 (or 46/47 – some are never really sure of their own age). Another weekend away with 9 women to celebrate the birthday of one very special friend.

We came from 3 stages of her life; childhood, young professional and current. Some crossed categories, others crossed the country, all showed up for the love of one friend that makes each and every one of us feel as if we are the most important person in her life. She is the problem solver. The go-to girl. The no-issue-is-too-big-or-too-small-larger-than-life-let’s-solve -this-baby-for-ya type woman that all of us would throw ourselves in front of a train for. Or a pitcher of bloodies, anyway.

Seriously, this is the woman who you call with anything from a health scare to a stubborn cleaning problem.

Throw in a the most beautiful venue on earth (W Hotel in Miami – more on this during the week) a beach, a pool, 80 degree weather and the most amazing hostess on earth and there is not one of us who is isn’t sitting at work today thinking, ‘why the hell did I come home?’

There is something about friendships like these that give you balance when the whole world tilts to the side. They stand you up, dust you off and make you laugh till you cry and cry till you laugh. Eye make-up did not stand a shot this week. As she so eloquently put it today: “Nothing like a little time away from home to forget all the problems and refuel with some good times.”

Life is hard. Period.

Friends make it not so hard. Period (again).

Only I could keep writing after saying ‘period’.

Thank you to all the amazing women who I shared this weekend with and thank you, as well, for pointing out that most of my wardrobe, in fact, looks like my black bathrobe (more on that tomorrow).

Love you all!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

8 Comments

Filed under friendship, Time to Cry Tuesdays, vacation

Get…

alife

And I am going to do just that.

Off on an adventure. Stay tuned.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under vacation

Have I Gone to Far?

pervert investi-

You know how you have to fill out these little captcha thingies when you are trying to post something on facebook so they know you are not a spammer? Well, if you don’t, then take my word for it.

So here I am posting something and the words that come up are ‘pervert investi-‘ which I am taking is the knickname for pervert investigation.

Uh oh. Did the vagina couch go to far? I mean, what the hell, I have posted about National Penis Day and the true meaning of Steely Dan before. But those were penis related. Could the va-jay-jay cross over the line and force the internet police to investigate a crazy old hag who has the nerve to list herself as a mom and family blogger?

Nah, just a coincidence.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, humor, technology

A what kind of couch?!

vagina-couch

You can buy anything on Craigs List. Really, ANYTHING!

And I can prove that with this listing for…

The Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch

Yep, that’s right. I bet you were wondering what the picture was. Or maybe you weren’t exactly wondering because it is kind of obvious. But maybe you were thinking it was a Georgia O’Keefe sculpture.

I love the description in the listing where she says, “For Sale – beautiful pink “vagina couch” that I made in art school and no longer have space for.”

Ok, so what is she adding to her decor that leaves her with no room for this? A penis chair maybe?

This is even better:

“the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape.”

So what, this hey-nanny-nanny* couch has not seen all that much action, huh?

Thanks, once again, to cousin Frankie for pointing this out to me. Hey Frankie, what were you doing shopping for a vagina couch anyway?

* Gary term

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

15 Comments

Filed under absurdities, body image, humor, technology

Time to Cry Tuesday – Stop, in the Name of Love

stop in the name of love

Every morning my dog and I go for a walk. We pass the same homes everyday and have a wave and nod relationship with most of the neighborhood.

Sunday morning we went out a little later than usual and the weather was simply spectacular. At 10Am it was already in the 60s and a perfect clear day. We passed a house that is on our usual route and the dad came out the front door in his golf clothes carrying his clubs to the car. He seemed rushed and trying to make a getaway.

As we passed by, his young son – maybe 3 or 4 – opened the front door of the house. He was wearing his pajamas and carrying a blanket. He was a classic portrait of cute. He called out the door, “DADDY! DADDY!”. The dad seemed rushed and did not answer. Again, the kids yelled, “Daddy, Daddy! I love you!”

And again the dad did not answer. I could not bear to look at that little face.

In all fairness, I have been that dad. Well, no penis, so I guess I have been that parent. I know what it feels like to have been up at the crack of dawn with little kids after working all week. I have done many a let’s play brio trains, let’s do puzzles, be my horsey, fall asleep on the rug with a pile of legos stuck to my face still clutching my coffee cup kind of morning. I have known the years when you die to grab a few hours to yourself. In this guy’s defense it was a gift of an extra golf day in November. And with the age of his son, there would be years of Daddy I love you’s still left.

But I wanted to stop him and tell him that although these mornings seem to go on forever they actually disappear so quickly. To let him know that before he turns around little Mr. Daddy I Love You will sleep till noon, wake up and inhale large quantities of food and then grab his keys to go out with his friends leaving you at the door thinking quietly to yourself, “Bye son, I love you.”

This Time to Cry Tuesday goes out to my friends and readers with young kids to remind you that it goes fast. And even though they grow up and still tell you they love you – my kids do at the end of each and every phone call and email – nothing is quite the same as being the center of their little pajamed, blanketed universe.

While on the topic of appreciating every moment, I am linking to the most moving post I have ever read. It was written by a reader/blog friend, Suzen of erasing the bored. She is the mother of a soldier that thank goodness has finished 6 years of service in the Army and is home safely. She bravely shares her experience of  sending her son off to war. Suzen’s heartfelt account is beyond description. She is, as I told her, my hero. On the eve of Veteran’s Day please keep all the children of military parents in your hearts and prayers. And let’s remember that no matter what your politics, there are families out there who need our support.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under Time to Cry Tuesdays

You may never look at strawberries the same way again

strawberries

Sometimes I worry about sharing the absurdities in my household.

Wait, no I don’t, this is one of the main reasons I started blogging.

Backstory: Gary has all sorts of crazy sayings that he claims ‘everyone knows’. Most of them are not exactly family-rated (ok, I guess the Steely Dan post wasn’t either). This is one of the kids’ favorites. When you say something to aggravate him he tells you to…

“Jump up my ass and look for strawberries!”

No, I am not kidding. At first they tried to analyze what it meant. (scary) Then it just became a given.

Sunday morning phone call:

Gary: I am done with tennis, what do you want to do for breakfast.

Me: I am making french toast but I need strawberries.

Gary: Great, I will pick some up.

then he hesitates a moment and says:

Or… I could bend you over and pull them out of your ass.

Yeh, well maybe you had to be there. Or maybe you are calling social services as you read this. Forget about it, the younger one is 17. The damage is already done.

French toast anyone?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

4 Comments

Filed under absurdities, family, gary, humor

That Dress is a Hawt Attack!

I have written about how much I loathe shopping. Much of what I dislike about local shopping here on the Gold Coast is the interaction with the sales help. I don’t like anyone get all up in my business when I am trying things on. Face it, most of us know what works on us and what doesn’t. We surely don’t need a salesperson to talk us into something with false flattery.

For better or worse, I have passed this distaste for shopping on to my daughter. Lucky for her she is walking around in a 20-year-old body so things are a bit easier, but still, how many women look in the mirror and are completely satisfied?

I bring this story up today because I was driving around and for some reason remembered this day and I laughed out loud. Jana and I were shopping for the Junior Prom and we made the huge mistake of going into one of the stores that I refer to affectionately as the Belly of the Beast. It sits in the center of a quaint little town nearby where unfortunately most of the women are cranky. Why? Because, as my friend Karen always says, “THEY ARE HUNGRY!”

From the moment we stepped into the shop we knew we were screwed. The racks were laden with bejeweled and bespangled dresses that were overpriced and lacking in taste. We were not there 2 minutes before a young woman came out of the dressing room and the saleswoman, who had a raspy, loud, cliché of a Long Island accent, shouted so that she could be heard somewhere in the midwest, “Oh my Gawd that dress is a hawt attack on you! A hawt attack I tell you.” Turning to the other women in the store she repeated, “Is this dress not a hawt attack on huh?” She gave the term Drop Dead Dress a whole new meaning.

Jana and I took one look at each other, turned, walked out the door and burst out laughing on the street. To this day when I pass that shop I can still hear the ghost of shopping days past in that smoker’s voice filled with gravel shouting, “A hawt attack, I tell ya, simply a hawt attack!”

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

1 Comment

Filed under body image, conversations, fashion, humor, Jana