Category Archives: humor

August 18, 2008 · 12:47 am

Fashion?


Ahhhh… today the NYT Women’s Fashion Magazine arrived. Ok, so if you know me it is obvious I don’t pay all that much attention to fashion. But the NYT Fashion issue? That I LOVE.

It is the art director in me that brings you this brief commentary. (this is certainly funnier with the issue in front of you, but still pretty funny without it).

Cover: Black lipstick? Under no circumstances is this flattering, you will never convince me it is. And the photoshop work on this shot is awful (note the hair).

Inside front cover spread: Ralph Lauren leapord stuff… not my thing but I must admit the shoes are wildly hot.

Gucci: Garments and accessories suffer from materials overload with hippie-in-the-poppy-fields layout… is it me, or is this off-brand?

Chanel: Beautiful layout. Ok dress. But what is with the one-armed, lace, fingerless, elbow-high glove? Chanel does Micheal Jackson?

Louis Vuitton: Orgasm on the ferris wheel while hitting myself on the head with a gold lamé bag?

Armani: Ok, there is a model on the second page of this spread that looks like a severely drugged geisha. In a oh so creepy this is kind of freaking me out sort of way. And I am pretty sure her entire head was retouched into this shot. Poorly. None of this makes me want to buy the dress she is wearing – which is actually quite elegant but the lighting is so dark I cannot really tell.

Calvin Klein: I am simply frightened by the shape of her hair while being wildly curious about how they achieved that.

Prada: Ugly clothes. Uglier layout. (I have always felt this way about Prada – to me this designer is the Emperor’s new clothes).

and last, but certainly not the least absurd…

Hermes: What the hell were you guys thinking? Is this woman actually walking a… what is that? A buffalo? Or a yak? (Gary says definitely a yak) On a leash!!

Ok, so I don’t know much about fashion. But you have to admit that I am kind of funny (and maybe more truthful than all those fashionistas would like to admit).

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August 13, 2008 · 9:24 pm

Obama covered with tampons?!

Ok, I know I said last month that I would be doing a Top 10 Search Terms post at the end of every month. But I am sure you will see why I could not wait another 17 days for this one. (and it was my rule so I can break it).

I swear this is not retouched (except for the red outline). Yes, I do have the skill set to recreate this but you have to trust me that this is an actual screen shot from two days ago. Although I was mildly entertained by ‘funny pictures fat guys in bathing suits’ as I am sure I have one of the funniest. And ‘dorm room road signs’ had me intrigued (caution, empty beer cases ahead?). 

But this one. THIS ONE. Please tell me what would ever possess an individual to keyword in ‘obama covered in tampons’?!!! Under what circumstances would one think of this phrase? I mean, I know I wrote about Michelle Obama’s likeness to Wilma Flintstone (btw, this was all in good fun, I happen to like her) and of course I have had one or two tampon posts. But really how do those two get linked in a search. Troubling, no?

Remember those toilet paper bombs that people used to throw up on the bathroom ceiling in Jr. High School? (not Middle School, I am way too old for that). That was all I could think of.

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August 12, 2008 · 10:29 pm

If You Give a House a Cookie…

Where to begin on this crazy homeowner’s tale? First, let me say this crap always happens to me the week before my kids come home. Second, this one is a little long, but if you own a house you will sympathize. If you don’t, call the super and go out for a margharita!

The other day we had the WILDEST storm of the summer. Hell hath no fury like a summer storm (wait, isn’t that woman scorned? whatevs). So in comes this crazy mother of a storm with wind and rain and dark skies and hailstones the size of baseballs (slight exaggeration – but hail scares the crap out of me). The poor dog was fuh-ree-kin’!

While multi-tasking (talking on the phone, throwing in a load of laundry and doing the 30th revision on a job) I walked into the kid’s ‘playroom’ in the basement outside my office and heard the rushing of water. Not a good thing. Source of said water? The wall behind the TV, VCR, cable box and prized possession of all 16-year-old boys… the X-Box. Not good. Not good at all.

My first reaction was to pull out the plug on the powerstrip where the water was rushing down the wall over the socket. Second thought? ‘Today is not a good day to die’. Being the lucid homeowner, I shut the power strip, pulled the plugs from it and dragged all the equipment to drier pastures.

1 Wet-Vac (note to self: buy a filter, this thing could make penicillin), 2 fans, pulling back of the carpet and the antibacterial padding (laid last year a week before my kids came home – see a pattern here?), some lovely Gardenia carpet freshener and 12 hours of the dehumidifier and I am as good as new?

Don’t be silly. In the course of the flooding episode I went to get towels from the basement linen closet. Ohhhhh, I said to myself, this could be why this bathroom has smelled like mildew all summer. There, in the closet was a pile of towels and blankets… soaked layers deep. And was this from the storm? Of course not, this was from the water main valve to my house that was leaking! Now if you know anything about houses, this is the valve that you shut of when you have a leak. So you ask, what happens when IT has a leak? Or worse, when it really goes. Well, the answer to that is that you are fucked!

Luckily, I was only pre-fucked (that sounds a lot more fun than it really is, believe me). Called the trusty plumber who asks, ‘do you know where the water district shut off valve is?’ and I answered, ‘I have only lived here for 20 years, why would I know that. I am a Jew for G-d’s sake!” He tells me to call the water district who should be back from lunch by 1:00. (and I am thinking, why does the whole district take lunch at the same time?). Now they come down, find the valve, spray paint it blue – which looks lovely in the middle of my lawn – and they are on their way (should I have tipped them? I tip everyone, drives Gary nuts).

Enter the plumber again. We love him. He told me to tell them the valve was about to go and I needed to be a priority and they came right away. He is my favorite worker. AND he does not have the crack of his ass showing when he bends down so he is no stereotype, this guy.

Wait, what was the point of this whole story? Oh right…

I always loved this book!

(BTW, check me out today at Mid-Century Modern Moms. I am guest blogging there on Wednesdays for awhile. And check out my new photo blog leaving the zip code. Check the details on the Submit page, this sucker is going to a group project. Yes, I still have time to work. I don’t watch much TV and I don’t sleep much).

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August 10, 2008 · 10:30 pm

Hells Full…


so i’m back?! Wow!

Is it my imagination or have outrageous things been presenting themselves to me since I have started this blog?

Wait, maybe it is because I have finally committed to getting the hell out of the basement more often. Who knew there was such a wild world out there all this time? I would have gotten out a lot earlier.

Seriously, aside from the basement, I think it has a lot to do with leaving the zip code. Not just this zip code in particular, but any zip code. We tend to get stuck in the rut of what we know. The culture to which we subscribe. The same scenery passes us by like a tape loop of the comfort zone. But the comfort zone can get boring, no? Sometimes you need to shake things up a bit to feel like you are alive.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not shun the zip code by any means – well, ok, sometimes I do but that is just when I have growing pains and get bored. (I had to say that because I know all of you who I complain about the zip code to are reading this and will call me on it). The community in which I live has carried me through many a hard time and the friendships I have made here are ones that a cherish deeply. For that I am eternally grateful. But change is good and spreading your wings to see how others spend their time is a good thing.

I bet you are wondering were ‘in hell’ I came across this beauty. Saturday was one of those days when the stars were aligned. A perfect day with great friends, we decided to go to a beach we do not frequent and as luck would have it this place had it all: sun, surf, sand, A FULL BAR, a great live band late in the day, and a parking lot full of car enthusiasts with some of the coolest cars I have every seen. (Talk about passion, these people are really into it).

Some things you can not plan.

As one of the famous First Thursdays said not long ago, “I would rather have fun in hell, than be bored in heaven.”

Hey wait, Maddee, is this your car?!

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August 9, 2008 · 11:35 pm

Do Hare Krishna take a day off?

Sitting on the beach today, we were behind this man with an intriguing hairstyle. I mean no disrespect as am truly tolerant of all cultures. But this one had me baffled. There was much speculation about it. Was this a rat tail of the 80’s, tied up for the sun and surf? But what was with the shaved sides of the head? It was kind of a cool look but we needed answers.

Then it came to us. Maybe he was a Hare Krishna on a day off.

He could very well have left the airport, robe and bells behind for a little fresh air.

Hmmm… maybe I had a little too much sun today.

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August 8, 2008 · 11:08 pm

Pink Flamingos

We stumbled upon this scene on a back road in the Adirondacks last week. John Waters would surely have loved this! We are not quite sure if the owner/artist put that flamingo in the mouth of that creature, or if it was some drunken prank from the night before.

Nonetheless, it was worthy of my making the poor husband turn around to get the shot.

I believe his exact words were, ” This is absolutely the last time I am stopping for a photograph” which translates into “Enough of this crap you snap happy bee-otch.

Now honestly Gary, wasn’t it worth it?

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August 8, 2008 · 12:19 am

Michelle Obama is the New Wilma Flinstone

(sorry Maddee, you thought it was Betty Rubble, wrong necklace)

Just came home from a stellar night with the First Thursdays. For those of you who are too lazy (or linear) to click the link, these are a group of women who have gotten together for 12 years. We meet mostly on the first Thursday of the month, to laugh and when we have time, to cry. I recommend clicking the link as it is worth reading about them.

Not only did this one actually fall on a first thursday, but we were celebrating a 50th birthday. Birthdays are always a special treat with these women. They come complete with props, songs, gifts (some with batteries – use your imagination), and always lots of wine.

Tonight I was in charge of the camera (of course) and recording the list of running commentary, the best of which started out as ‘Michelle Obama is the New Betty Rubble’. But when researching the images I realized she is actually the new Wilma Flintstone.

Through the years, many women in politics have created a signature look that received attention. In my book, none has been as quite as significant as this.

What was she thinking?

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August 6, 2008 · 10:30 pm

Musings from the ‘Home Office’

This is an actual chat with another Work At Home Mom friend, or as the mommy bloggers call it – a WAHM. (funny how we both use dog icons, that is no reference to our looks, we just love our dogs, ok?)

Wham!! (well you know what I mean). I like that. Look, some women want to be MILFs, some like being WHAMs. Wait, can’t I be a WAHM and a MILF? Ahhh, this may have something to do with the need for Spanx. I will have to think about this one.

This chat got me to thinking. What are the best things about working at home? (besides not wearing shoes or having to brush my hair, which would probably disqualify me from being a MILF in most cases).

So, my friends, here is a shout out to all of you that work at home (boys, you can play this game too. you could be DILFs if you want).

Give me a list of the best things about working at home. I expect full participation here (Riki and Ellen, that means you! And Elise, since your chat made it to the blog you are obligated to participate).

And because I am an equal opportunity everything, let’s hear from the work-in-the-office types who want to defend their choice.

Those of you who are thinking I could use a little fresh air – you are not wrong!

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August 5, 2008 · 8:10 pm

Show Me the Money!

No, Danny has not learned to be a drug dealer at camp – although he did seem to feel awfully comfortable handling cash! Jana thought this looked like an evidence photo. I particularly like the hanger sticking out of his head.

During our trip to the fundraiser at camp we had the complete joy of being part of the afterglow. The two girls and two boys who co-chaired, spent the better part of a day engaging in the most fun part of the the afterevent…

counting the loot. This is akin to forgetting how awful labor was once you see the baby.

They sat in the house of one of the camp directors, sorting and counting the cash. And we got to watch! They were so excited. There is always a big competition between the oldest boys’ and girls’ booths. This year the boys beat them by about $100.

Now get this, the take on just these two booths was almost $15,000!!! I am blown away. Last year’s event raised $40,000. (they are hoping to beat that number). The money is donated to a number of charities, many that are children focused.

Of all the things these kids learn at camp, this could be the most important one.

Now, whoever keyworded ‘lazy jew parents send their kids to camp’ to find this blog, I challenge you to defend your point!

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August 4, 2008 · 8:34 pm

Honey, am I as fat as this guy?

Honestly, how many of you ask this when you are sitting on the beach with your significant other? You are not all that confident with how it is all hanging and you need a barometer for what your body looks like out there. Yeh, right, we are too old for this behavior and way to secure.

Or not.

So, someone is walking down the beach and you pull the headphones out of your mate’s ears and ask them if the guy/girl walking down the beach is fatter then you. We do this all the time. When will we grow out of body image obsessions? Oh right, when we are dead!

Back to the story. There I am, innocently reading my book on a beautiful Rhode Island beach on the most glorious day and I look up to see this rather large man looking out at the ocean. Now don’t think of this as mean, I for one can stand to lose a few myself. But I could not help but pull out my camera to capture his silhouette against the backdrop of the sea and sky. It was so perfect. The shapes, the color, the water, the foam of the waves…

and then who comes up right next to him and poses? Gary, of course. (no disrespect to this man, but he did kind of set himself up in front of my camera).

I love the scale in this image – and the matching color scheme of the bathing suits. Looks kind of like a fashion layout, doesn’t it?

Oh Gary, no worries, you are one svelte man for sure!

How could you not love a man that not only tolerates the fact that you are photographing everything in sight, but embraces your snap happy behavior and poses for you? It seems that he has begun to embrace the spirit of blogging.

Either that or it is just another survival technique for living with his resident lunatic.

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