Category Archives: humor

January 13, 2010 · 9:33 pm

Driver’s License Update

Ok, so I admit it. I went and tried a second time to secure an acceptable driver’s license photo. And no it did not work out well…

AGAIN!

For those who have not read the beginning of this saga you can read about it here.

I know, give it up bee-otch. Maybe you really are that ugly. Maybe you do have the neck the size of a linebacker. But seriously, I really don’t look that bad in person.

Jana came home from school and decided that she, too, was not happy with her photo. (starting to see a pattern here?). The Monday between Christmas and New Year’s we lost our minds and were unconscious enough to not realize the entire universe was off that week and at least three-quarters of that said universe thought DMV biz was a good idea. So off we went to have the pictures taken and then sit on the bench watching the numbers roll by on the monitors for somewhere in the neighborhood of an hour and forty-five minutes. I know, what a lovely bonding afternoon for the reunited college girl and her mom. Hey, it was a great place to people watch.

Finally we get called up. She pays her 17 some odd dollars and then I go to my window.

Clerk: Can I have your old license please?

Me: Look at that picture! Isn’t it awful?

Clerk: Really, do you think anyone looks at these?

Me: C’mon, admit it is awful

Clerk: Does it REALLY matter?

Me: Ok, I am vain. There I admitted it.

Clerk: Thanks, that’s all I wanted from you.

I swear, that was the conversation. Then she proceeds to tell me that I do not have to pay because you have 6 months to keep retaking your photo for free.

Me: For real?!!

Clerk: Now, ma’am, please do not become a serial DMV photo taker.

Regarding the photo at the top of this post:

I was playing around with the Mac’s photobooth features and decided that posterized would be the preferable filter for me to use on all official documents. What do you think? Kind of babe-ish in this shot, right? In a maybe a you swallowed a lava lamp sort of way, but I kind of like it.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

4 Comments

Filed under body image, conversations, humor, Jana, photography

Tagged as , , , ,

January 12, 2010 · 10:45 pm

This little piggy

Teacup pigs have become all the rage lately and I am not going to lie, I sort of want one. How damn cute is this little thing? I decided to do a little research on them before I ran out and brought home another heartbeat to my house.

I learned these are not like teacup poodles. These critters can actually grow anywhere from 25-60 llbs. Hmmm, that could be like the size of my dog. Hey cute as a little piggy but getting a bit slovenly when tipping the scales at 60.

When I told Danny that I wanted one who told me he would feel kind of bad eating bacon in front of it. So we did a little more research and have decided to get a miniature horse instead.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

5 Comments

Filed under absurdities, danny, humor, pets

Tagged as , , ,

January 10, 2010 · 10:09 pm

Underground in their underwear or skivvies in the subway

The other night on Letterman I heard the funniest line:

If underwear was outlawed only outlaws would wear underwear.

Not sure why that struck me as so funny but it just did. Now here is another foundation garment related story that caught my attention. An event created by one of my favorite groups, Improv Everywhere – the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride. This event takes place in 44 locations in 16 countries! Their website claims an estimated 3,000 people participated in NYC. According to the New York Post article covering the event (which estimate the numbers closer to 700 – what is this Woodstock?), Improv Everywhere’s mission is to cause “scenes of chaos and joy in public places”. Bottomless subway riders surely fits that bill. My kind of group!

In my humble opinion, during these stressful times (aren’t you sick of that term already?) there just isn’t enough silliness in the world.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

3 Comments

Filed under absurdities, current events, humor, New York, New York City

Tagged as

January 7, 2010 · 8:55 pm

When Twitter is Down

So it happened tonight. To the dismay of those of us who use it as drug of choice/best time suck of all time the world’s most sophisticated social media types, twitter was so down that we were not even getting that cute little fail whale graphic. How did I find out? On Facebook, of course. The other place where online junkies get their fix favorite network of choice.

My guess was that since the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) is going on right now all the geekiest of geeks most sophisticated technology types were jamming twitter and causing it to sporadically fail.

I did a quick Google search to find out what was up and came across my new favorite site. It is called whentwitterisdown.com and every time you refresh the screen you get a new message. It is kind of like web 2.0s version of the magic 8 ball with an attitude.

Here are some of my faves:

I love the last one. And for the record, I don’t have a cat!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

6 Comments

Filed under absurdities, communities, conversations, current events, humor, searches, social media, technology

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

January 6, 2010 · 9:37 pm

When Fit Hits the Shan and other Tales of Daily Living

One of those days. I would not classify it as a bad day, just a day on steroids.

Have you ever taken steroids? Not for athletic enhancement, more for respiratory stuff or maybe anti-inflammatory reasons. I was once on them for 6 weeks with pneumonia and my family threatened to move out. I remember my poor husband reading the side effects and thinking, check, check, check, oh frankly psychotic behavior? Big check!

There is a sense of hyper-vigilant edginess with a dollop of what next? A feeling that you are not sure what is going to be around the next corner and of course whatever it is it will become your problem to solve while your hands are full and you have to go to the bathroom but you don’t have time. Not to be confused with needing to cry but you don’t have time.

See? You see that rambling style of borderline insane banter? That is what I am talking about here.

Were all the problems of the day solved? Yeh, right? Tomorrow AM will be the solution hangover scramble. But I have confidence. I have been here before. Hoping I have this all worked out by noon.

Perhaps lazy being the new productive was the foreshadowing of just such a day.

(oh, kill me now, read definition number 2 on urbandictionary for fit hits the shan)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

3 Comments

Filed under family, health, humor, moms

Tagged as , , , , ,

January 3, 2010 · 9:10 pm

A Striking Family Resemblance

Ever since my daughter has been home from school we have noticed that the dog is beginning to look quite a bit like her. What do you think?

Oh, Jana is the one with the glasses.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

5 Comments

Filed under college, humor, Jana, mel, pets, photography

Tagged as , ,

January 2, 2010 · 5:13 pm

Bags under my eyes and the spousal look of terror

I woke up this morning, looked in the mirror and noticed some not so attractive bags under my eyes.

That’s right.

Bags.

Under.

MY.

Eyes.

I stared in that mirror and the first thought that came to my mind was, “Ok, Ms. age gracefully, never consider plastic surgery, stop trying to chase your youth, I would NEVER… how do you like them bags?”

Not to brag, but I have – by no doing of my own – been fortunate to inherit the beautiful skin that both of my grandmothers sported well into their 80s. That coupled with an extra XX lbs on my ass, has left my 50-year-old punim relatively line and bag free(ish). But last night I was having some sinus and ear issues (no doubt from all the flying I witnessed at the movie, Up in the Air) and when I woke up it all settled in those not so endearing bags under said eyes. Luckily they started to disappear as the day wore on.

I was on the couch with my daughter and asked her to take a look at me and see if she noticed them. Then Gary came in the room. He was leaning over the coffee table innocently placing clementines in a bowl when I asked him. “Hon, do you notice bags and dark circles under my eyes?”

Deer.

In.

Headlights.

Poor thing. He stood there half bent over the table, frozen in time. I could hear the inner workings of his mind, “How in hell am I supposed to answer this friggin’ question?” This, my friends, falls into the proverbial ‘does my ass look fat in this…’ question. The way in which the husband answers this question will change the entire architecture of his day, if not his whole weekend. And he is fully aware of that fact. Luckily for him I had mercy on that poor terrified look on his face and started to laugh.

I am happy to report that the bags have ‘resolved’ but left in their wake is a new found terror that I am not as void of vanity as I once believed. And Gary, he is just happy he did not have to answer that question.

(oh, and of course that picture at the top of the post is not ME!)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

6 Comments

Filed under body image, family, gary, humor, men and women, plastic surgery, women

Tagged as , , , , , ,

December 30, 2009 · 10:17 pm

Font Masturbation

No, I did not make up that name, but I wish I did. This is an actual typeface that I found today while doing a font search. I will admit I colored it and added the effects, but hey, who wouldn’t?

You can see it here on my favorite free typeface website, dafont.com. (please keep in mind many of the free fonts are for personal use, if you want to use them commercially you need to contact them. This one in particular would be for EXTREMELY personal use).

This sucker (no pun – ok maybe yes pun) was designed by Graham Meade of GemFonts and I am not going to lie, I think I might have a crush on him. Seriously, how can you not love a guy that designs a typeface like this? It is so beautifully executed with just a hint of the perverse while still maintaining that whimsical aura. (ok, too many years of doing design presentations, I know).

Yes, once again I am an infant. But let’s be honest, that is why most of you come here every day; to see me behaving poorly.

Wishing you all a happy new year, be safe and remember, penic masturbata is just font usage with someone you love. And of course, hoping you do not experience any typface interruptus in 2010.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

10 Comments

Filed under absurdities, humor, humor, sex, work

Tagged as , , , , , , , ,

December 27, 2009 · 11:04 pm

Career Choices

The scene:

Driving to a family gathering. Jana is cranky.

Me: What’s the problem, why so cranky?

Jana: Because everyone will ask about college, my major, my trip abroad and what I want to do with my life.

Gary: Just tell them you want to be a stripper.

Got to hand it to him, that is pretty damn good advice. Kind of nips that conversation in the bud.

Sure enough, someone asked her that question right off the bat. And to tell you the truth, it worked! Although he did ask why you needed to go to college for 4 years to do that.

Some people have no sense of humor.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

3 Comments

Filed under carreers, family, humor, Jana

Tagged as , ,

December 24, 2009 · 11:37 am

From a Jew on Christmas

Ho. Ho. Ho. Or for you kvetchy jews out there like the lady on the deli line in the market yesterday: Oy. Oy. Oy.

Forget religion for a moment and let’s talk about the holiday season and what it does to people. To that crazy lady:

What the hell were you thinking yelling at that little old lady behind you?

Granted she might have been crowding you a bit, or perhaps she might have been a little cranky, but your outburst was embarrassing to me, I would hope it was to you afterwards. And then it spawned another little scuffle at the head of the line. Sorry, call me old-fashioned, but no matter how old I get I am still from the school of respect your elders, no matter how much they may annoy you.

PEOPLE, what is up? It is the holiday, you are in an upscale market in a beautiful suburb and you can afford to shop here and hopefully your ‘stress’ is probably just how you will get all that food on the table hot. So catch a grip, chill out and grab a little holiday spirit and perhaps a drink or two to calm that mood and try to enjoy! And act civil to one another, for G-d sake!

Ok, so perhaps she had more stress than the hot food thing. And maybe everyone is a little edgier trying to make believe life is all warm and fuzzy in these not so warm and fuzzy times. But this woman? Yikes, what an outburst. Kind of like that Network, “I’m as mad as hell and I am not going to take this anymore!” kind of thing.

My reaction? I turned to the woman behind me and promised not to fight with her. I told her I would never use that tone with anyone I was not married to. It gave her a good laugh and we of saner (and I use that term loosely) temperaments went on our merry shopping way hoping to learn from this lesson that we should do unto others and all that crap.

I can only top this with the facebook post from my friend Amy S yesterday:

Person ahead of me with a “Choose Civility” bumper sticker on the car just cut someone off and ran a red light.

Yeh, there are all sorts of hypocrites out there.

So to all my friends who are not hypocrites but instead wonderful people who appreciate all they have and would never yell at little old ladies (unless perhaps they gave birth to them), here is wishing you a Merry Christmas if this is your holiday. And if not, I hope you are as lucky as we are to share the holiday with friends.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

Leave a comment

Filed under communities, conversations, current events, holidays, humor

Tagged as , , ,