Category Archives: absurdities

Bagel and a Pap Schmear?!!

CBS Cares went out on a limb tonight and aired this Public Service Announcement promoting cancer screening. What could be bad about that, you ask? Well watch for yourself and tell me what you think. (sorry, CBS is not playing nicely with WordPress so I can’t embed). If you’re not inclined to watch the video or are reading on a Blackberry, here is the script:

Want to do something special for your woman this Hannukah? Schedule her a pap smear. Just a schmear could save her life. Light up her menorah with a gift that says, you look great but it’s what’s inside that counts.

Yeh, well, alrighty then. I am guessing this is not airing nationally. ‘Um, darlin’, what’s a schmear?’

Folks, anyone else grossed out with the cream cheese reference. I might never put my feet in those stirrups again without craving a bagel and lox.

I am not sure on what level this is more offensive, the lack of respect for screening or the bizarre Jewish twist. Perhaps they should have used Woody Allen as the talking head. I simply love the way they targeted the Jewish market by talking about food, gift giving and the way they look. Yeh, we are a pretty shallow tribe. Jeez!!

I don’t even know where to start with this one. Who wrote this, Adam Sandler? ‘Grab your harmonica, let’s celebrate Hannukah’. I was thinking a soundtrack of Jim Morrison singing Come on Baby Light My Menorah would have been a nice touch.

I first heard about this on Facebook (thanks Amy K), and the 17 comments in an hour should give you an idea of how it was received. My favorite was the woman who said ‘this is brilliant, those secular pap smear PSAs NEVER work’. Most of us thought it was a goof. I mean, who would actually air this?  During 60 minutes no less.

If you read the backgrounder on the campaign below the video it gets worse. There is talk of overhearing a conversation at Il Mulino (I am sure they will be thrilled with the press – great food BTW, you know how we Jews love good italian) where women were talking about ‘refrigerated speculums’ causing them to not want to go for pap smears but he thought they said ‘spatulas’. (Huh? What was the point of all that)  Oh right, most woman forego a pap smear to avoid cold metal objects. I mean mammos are so comfortable – we go for those, no problem. And surely singling me out as a Jewish woman with some silly references to my food and holidays will make me run to the gyn to make sure I am screened.

Right, if I was an idiot!

Don’t get me wrong, anything that gets women out for screening is a great in my book. But seriously folks, this is a fail of Motrin Moms proportion in my book.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

13 Comments

Filed under absurdities, health, women

Move over Viagra, now there’s sex GUM!

While buying suntan lotion at Walgreen’s in South Beach I came across Sexlet – the sex gum, at the check out counter. Talk about an impulse buy! I have to admit I find the name rather annoying. Are they trying to do a play on sex and chicklets? Not working for me.

Nonetheless, I was intrigued by the package and then drawn in by the claims on the counter card:

Sexlets™ for him (kind of put off that there is no Sexlets for her) claims to be a proprietary blend of natural male stimulating ingredients (boring so far) which are directly absorbed into the the body’s bloodstream (still very boring). Chewing the gum releases these natural actives and allow absorption through the capillaries (what is this, middle school health class sex, how disappointing). Then a whole bunch of digestive system stuff – talk about a buzz kill. And THEN…

….which cause an increase in blood flow (hmmm, blood flow moves in the right direction). This consequently makes for a larger, thicker penis with longer, harder, firmer and more powerful erections. (NOW we’re talkin’ – oh jeez, mom, so sorry, I know you are reading this).

Wait, all this from GUM? OTC? What a claim. Send a case to everyone for the holidays!

Now, I bet you would expect the follow-up line to be, ” If you have an erection for more than 4 hours, call your doctor.” But no, not this product. Their following line is: “Chewing gum promotes saliva which according to dentists (Dr. Jimmy, please confirm) helps maintain clean and healthy teeth and gums by eliminating promotion of bacteria”. Hey don’t know about you guys but talk of mouth bacteria surely does not put me in the mood.

So I bought this pack of gum and all weekend this became a great running joke. Wow, hot looking waiter, ask him if he needs gum. Hey the towel boy at the pool is a babe, think he needs some gum?

Ok, so we never gave any out. But I do have a pack here if anyone is interested. Maybe I should run a giveaway! Give me your most embarrassing dating story and I will send you a pack.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

7 Comments

Filed under absurdities, products, sex

Have I Gone to Far?

pervert investi-

You know how you have to fill out these little captcha thingies when you are trying to post something on facebook so they know you are not a spammer? Well, if you don’t, then take my word for it.

So here I am posting something and the words that come up are ‘pervert investi-‘ which I am taking is the knickname for pervert investigation.

Uh oh. Did the vagina couch go to far? I mean, what the hell, I have posted about National Penis Day and the true meaning of Steely Dan before. But those were penis related. Could the va-jay-jay cross over the line and force the internet police to investigate a crazy old hag who has the nerve to list herself as a mom and family blogger?

Nah, just a coincidence.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

1 Comment

Filed under absurdities, humor, technology

A what kind of couch?!

vagina-couch

You can buy anything on Craigs List. Really, ANYTHING!

And I can prove that with this listing for…

The Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch

Yep, that’s right. I bet you were wondering what the picture was. Or maybe you weren’t exactly wondering because it is kind of obvious. But maybe you were thinking it was a Georgia O’Keefe sculpture.

I love the description in the listing where she says, “For Sale – beautiful pink “vagina couch” that I made in art school and no longer have space for.”

Ok, so what is she adding to her decor that leaves her with no room for this? A penis chair maybe?

This is even better:

“the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape.”

So what, this hey-nanny-nanny* couch has not seen all that much action, huh?

Thanks, once again, to cousin Frankie for pointing this out to me. Hey Frankie, what were you doing shopping for a vagina couch anyway?

* Gary term

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

15 Comments

Filed under absurdities, body image, humor, technology

You may never look at strawberries the same way again

strawberries

Sometimes I worry about sharing the absurdities in my household.

Wait, no I don’t, this is one of the main reasons I started blogging.

Backstory: Gary has all sorts of crazy sayings that he claims ‘everyone knows’. Most of them are not exactly family-rated (ok, I guess the Steely Dan post wasn’t either). This is one of the kids’ favorites. When you say something to aggravate him he tells you to…

“Jump up my ass and look for strawberries!”

No, I am not kidding. At first they tried to analyze what it meant. (scary) Then it just became a given.

Sunday morning phone call:

Gary: I am done with tennis, what do you want to do for breakfast.

Me: I am making french toast but I need strawberries.

Gary: Great, I will pick some up.

then he hesitates a moment and says:

Or… I could bend you over and pull them out of your ass.

Yeh, well maybe you had to be there. Or maybe you are calling social services as you read this. Forget about it, the younger one is 17. The damage is already done.

French toast anyone?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

4 Comments

Filed under absurdities, family, gary, humor

Drugstore Fun

comfy-cradle

I have proven that I can have fun just about anywhere. Today it was in the drug store while shopping for a get well gift. Joyce, my sometimes MFTA by proxy was delighted to partake in the shoot.

I am always amazed at the terrible packaging in the section with the braces and bandages. This item struck me immediately. First, I have been pregnant twice and honestly, I am so very thankful that no one ever prescribed the Comfy Cradle for me. I mean, it is not like it did not get to be a chore around the 8th or 9th month, but I never had the need to use apparatus to hold up my babies. I like that 17 years later this item makes me feel grateful for that fact.

With all due respect to the product, because I am sure there are many that get major relief from this sucker, but they really need to take a look at updating their packaging. Where should I start? Ok, Starwars light sabre background, not all that contemporary. Hairstyle? Quite popular towards the beginning of the 80s, now, not so much. Low cut leotard? Just don’t get that.

But the thing about this package that gives this today’s Magnet For the Absurd award is the healthcare worker in the top left corner. Am I mistaken, or is she holding a 3 month old? Seriously, if that is the size baby this woman is carrying, no wonder she needs the Comfy Cradle. This kid looks like it came out ready to eat solid food for G-d’s sake!

So, Scott Specialties, Inc., you may want to consider a redesign. Give me a shout, I can spin my Art Direction skills and whip you up a wonderful new line of packaging. And since I clicked over to your website, we can help you out with that as well.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

8 Comments

Filed under absurdities, health, humor, magnet for the absurd, marketing, products

Godspeed?

13435_995232923149_6840975_54761025_6594014_n

It may come as a shock to you, but no I did not take this picture in NY. This baby comes to me from cousin Kelly. He said he took it somewhere in Virginia (that would make more sense).

This is quite a vehicle, don’t you think? Screaming religion down the highway is rather odd, quoting all sorts of scriptures and the like.

But tell me, what is an unusalist? Could that be a typo right there on the bumper? Did they mean unusualist? Actually, neither of them is in the dictionary. Can one of my christian friends define this please?

This vehicle gives godspeed a whole new meaning.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

3 Comments

Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, cars, photography, social media

Just tell them, “I don’t give a…

9226225xSeriously, how infantile is this? And how many of you want to purchase one and send it off to that special someone?

Thanks to my BBFF Liz for sending this a while back. She happens to be on vacation in the very country where they sell this baby, but still reading and commenting so I thought she would get a kick out of this.

This is a little different than sending someone a Big Box of Shut the Hell Up, but has the same sentiment. Sometimes people simply infuriate you. If you are prone to gift giving, these items surely fit the occasion.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

1 Comment

Filed under absurdities, humor, products

Indecent Exposure

pants-down-front

mfta momentAt this point I am fairly convinced these things are put specifically in my path. Yes, I have been targeted in life, a true MFTA. How else can you explain this one?

I hardly ever go shopping, even more rarely am I in the men’s department of Macy’s. But today, while trying to get some clothes for the boy, we came across this scene. I took a picture of the back first (which was quite funny). But Danny casually walked passed these guys and told me the front was much better, then kept browsing through the racks. Seems the next generation has become accustomed to my need to capture the absurd.

This was surely better for him than the old lady I made him follow through the Bloomie’s women’s department wearing reptile tights, leg warmers and gold metallic Converse. (no Danny was not wearing that, the old woman was!) Sadly I could not get a good enough shot of her and he was not great camouflage for me in the evening dress department.

So back to Mr. No Head With His Pants Down. Of course I had to get a closer look at was was going on under those shirt tails. It seems the poor guy has just a hint of a package, if you will. Kind of like a nub or a turtle type shrinkage sort of apparatus. I guess you would say he was sort of anatomically… castrated.

Take a look for yourself:

anatomically-castrated

This all got me to thinking whether this was intentional or simply a wardrobe malfunction. What do you think?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

6 Comments

Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, danny, humor, humor, magnet for the absurd, trends

What a Difference a G Makes

anus-deluxe

Yep, thinking of going out tonight with the family to try the new Micky D’s Anus Deluxe. You know, because the Anus Minis are just not filling enough. I will refrain from all the other follow-up comments that have run through my twisted little brain as I am listed as a mom blogger in some online communities and really, this is so inappropriate.

Ok, so maybe everyone loves a girl fight, doodyman, and metal dildos are probably not all that maternal either.

Thanks  to Cousin Frankie for sending me this photo. Keep the absurdities coming, folks.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

10 Comments

Filed under absurdities, family, humor, signage