April 2, 2009 · 10:28 pm

Random Thought Thursday

Second installment. I know most of you will be reading this on Friday but know that I wrote it before midnight.

Random ramblings from the inside of my head:

1. Why must I call to opt-out of junk fax solicitations, shouldn’t I have to opt-in to receive them in the first place?

2. If my life was a made for TV movie would I change the channel because it was too ridiculous to be believable?

3. Is it fair to NOT read a book because it is on the Oprah booklist?

4. There is no reality, only perception. (can’t take credit for this one, a shrink once pointed it out to me).

5. If my dog pukes in the dining room and I pretend to not see it will someone else clean it up?

6. Coke or Pepsi? (I don’t really care because I don’t drink soda, just curious).

7. Should I point out to the local supermarket that is trying to market a passover menu that noodle pudding should not be on their menu?

8. Would you rather have a hoof or a paw? (again, can’t take credit. A woman that used to work for me posed this question).

9. Why is it ok for my car and pocketbook to be filthy when my house has to be clean?

10. If not now, when? (use this for anything you have been putting off).

That should do it. Head is empty…

for now.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 1, 2009 · 11:44 pm

Pardon me for being an infant… Fart Pads

fart-pads

I am so sorry. I could not resist this one. Just in case you were worried from yesterday’s post that I really did lose my sense of humor, this should dispel that myth.

I will dedicate this post to my brother who is more of an infant than I am, if you can imagine that.

This picture is priceless. I would have loved to have been the art director on this project. Imagine talking to the illustrator, ” You know, make it look like a cross between a mini pad and a spoon.”

So, let me tell you about this product. It is called Flat-D. That would be short for Flatulence Deodorizer. I kid you not. You must read the About the Inventor page on the website.

Because I could never do justice quite the way they do themselves, here is a little excerpt from their website:

Hey, isn’t it time to stop the release of unpleasant pungent gas odors? Our exclusive doctor recommended Premium pad instantly clears and sanitizes the air when gas is expelled… Without the tell-tale lingering odor that can instantly put you in a very awkward situation. 

Oh, you mean like that smell just before someone says, “Ew, who farted”? I wonder if it also acts as a silencer.

There is more:

Is embarrassing gas a concern for YOU?
Discreetly neutralize it fast with our Flatulence Deodorizer Premium Pad
• A doctor recommended way to neutralize gas odor
• Washable and reusable
• Perfect for IBS sufferers, gastric bypass surgery individuals, or anyone with excess gas

Washable and reusable?!!! “Honey do you mind rinsing out my fart pads tonight, I have a big meeting tomorrow.”

Anyone with excess gas? Um, is that not EVERYONE.

Oh wait, except my mom, there is no way she farts.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 31, 2009 · 11:48 pm

Closing Down This Blog

closed

I would like to start by to thanking all of my readers for their support and continued readership since I started this journey.

I began this blog as a place to have some fun and to learn. I have certainly done both. The added bonus was meeting some amazing people here, and in real life as a result. It has been a blast and I have enjoyed it more than anything else I have ever done.

Part diary, part school, part land of the absurd, I Could Cry But I Don’t Have Time has gone from a whim to a mild addiction.

But sadly, I believe I have humor block. I don’t feel funny. Not even silly. And I am too busy to keep up the charade of being the place that people can go to laugh, sometimes to the point of tears.

So before I become a washed up old bloghag, I will hang up my keyboard and call it a life. All good blogs must come to an end.

NOT!!! April Fools! Got you there for a minute, didn’t I?

You should all be so lucky to get rid of me so easily. Face it, I am a little like gum on your shoe.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 30, 2009 · 10:01 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – I Can

basketballwithmike

Imagine a toddler falling in love with his Little Tikes basketball hoop and finding a life’s passion at a tender young age.

Imagine that same little boy, no more than 10 years old, shooting hoops in his ice-encrusted driveway during the dead of winter. Hour after hour. Defying all laws of frostbite and logic. Driven to perfect his shot at all costs.

Now imagine him as a crazed adolescent bouncing that damn ball throughout the house, driving his mother over the edge. (part of the fun, I am sure).

Fast forward to 9th grade and this young man struggles with the decision to leave his friends and the security of his hometown public school to attend a private High School and be part of an elite basketball team. Forgoing summer camp opportunities he chose to play basketball year round to hone his game. Playing through injuries and, well – not so gently put – height challenges. All without a single complaint. Never saying die. Always pushing forward, doing his best, working his hardest. With a smile on his face.

‘I can!’

Mikey Buckets, they have called him. He is smart, swift and driven. What he lacks in size he makes up for in court sense. I have known him since he was in utero and quite frankly I have come head to head with his determined style on some not so pleasant occasions during his early years. But as we hoped, he channeled that determination to be the best he could possibly be. Against all odds.

The reason I am writing about him today is because I could not be any prouder if I had carried this child myself. This past weekend, as a 10th grader on varsity, his team won the state finals! A dream realized for a young man who never listened to the mean-spirited commentary that he was too short. Too white. Too green. Too suburban. Too much of a dreamer to make it in such a competitive sport.

So here’s to you Mike, I am proud to say at your tender age of 15 you are an inspiration to me. One of my heroes. And whenever I think I can’t, you will remind me that I sure as hell can.

We love you!

(but PLEASE, can you stop dribbling that ball in the house!)

The photo above is Mike and my son Danny. A REALLY long time ago.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 29, 2009 · 8:29 pm

Top Ten Search Terms (vol. 8)

Search terms are my favorite part of blogging stats. Seems there are all sorts of crazies out there keywording their little fingers to the bone to find out more about subjects like tampons and hairy backs. Lucky for me I post about such absurdities.

In the past I have linked back to all the previous search term posts. Quite frankly I think that was a waste of time so that practice is now over.

So, dive right in my friends, and discover the crazy keywords that landed on I Could Cry this month. As always I give a little commentary and link back to the original post that I think was found.

i need a jolt so do I most of the time. But I will advise against that Jolt gum featured in this post. I chewed a couple of pieces on day and was hanging of the ceiling (not in a good way)

i made you a poop this big What a lovely gift. and you were so very proud of yourself. what makes someone use this as a search term? Never mind, I don’t want the answer to that one.

boob pop out fight I get this phrase almost every week. Further proof that everyone does love a girl fight (yeesh!)

i got a call from satan 666-6666. Yeh, well if you got a call from Satan and you are using an internet search to find out what it is all about I am thinking you are really screwed.

mom command center Are there more moms out there with command centers? I would suppose so.

box of shut the hell up Oh my, I totally forgot about this post. Remember kids, when someone pisses you off, just ask them if they would like a big box of shut the hell up. Very cathartic indeed.

don’t worry, i have toast Thank goodness, I thought we were all going to go hungry.

marry an asshole This is some pretty bad advise.

cancel colon medic Believe it our not I have had countless people comment on this post asking me to cancel their order. They have included names and addresses and have been might mad saying that this place keeps recharging their credit cards for reorders they did not authorize. Oh my!

toungue (yes there was a typo). Can’t say this is not a diverse blog. It takes you from the tongue to the tush and back.

And there you have it. Another month of fun and games brought to you by I Could Cry But I Don’t Have Time.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 29, 2009 · 7:41 am

Forget about diet and exercise

md_thin

This is my week to pick on the local medical community. Honestly, this one makes Turkey Neck look good. I must admit I absolutely LOVE the clip art.

When I was growing up there was a doctor that people used to go to for ‘diet drops’. I am pretty sure it was liquid speed and he surely behaved more like a drug dealer than a doc. Basically if you had the cash he gave you the scrip. Or maybe he was dispensing, come to think of it. Nonetheless his operation was eventually busted.

So here we are in the year 2009 and this guy is placing an ad like this in small town local newspapers. And this is ok because…?

I jumped over to his website and the language is really frightening. How about this: “Since we are able to get these medications from the manufacturers directly and in large quanities, we are able to pass the savings to our patients”, said Dr. Mostafa. “Our Weigh loss (yes, there was a typo) program is easy, safe and now affordable.”

Wow, the whole damn county should be thin with this kind of offer!

Safe? Phendimetrazine. Addictive much?

Oh right. Look Your Best.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

 

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March 27, 2009 · 6:02 pm

Turkey Neck?*

turkey_neck

Another ridiculous ad from the same local paper that brought us Doodyman! But this one is more about crap than he was.

Anyone else find this ad offensive? Jeez, give me a break. Seriously, with all the money you guys are making here on the Gold Coast could you not pay for a better logo than the one you have? And while I am giving a critique, there is nothing worse than a medical practice with the suffix ‘tique’. Is this a doctor’s office or the makeup counter at Bloomies? They even have a ‘cosmetic coordinator’. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

I must admit I was lured in by the question mark and asterisk in the headline. Draws you right into the definition and treatment for the ol’ turkey neck. So here are some of my thoughts (what, you were not expecting a list from me?)

1. sagging neck shows your age? Yeh, well if you already altered your face I guess so. When you fix the neck then what do you do about the hands?

2. Smartlipo?! TM no less, jeez!

3. Body-jet water assisted lipo? Why does this sound like a power enema to me?

4. SAVE THE TURKEY FOR THANKSGIVING. ENJOY THE FINEST TRIMMINGS TODAY! How the hell did the ad agency sell that line?

Seriously, I find this so sad. Insulting and body-image-paranoia-focused advertising is such a low blow. What is the follow up headline going to be? Here are few thoughts:

Hey fat ass. Or maybe, Yo Hadassah Arms (that would be a combo street/yenta focused ad). Or why not go straight for the aging juggler: Who cares if you feel good, you look like crap.

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against doing whatever rings your bell to make you feel better about yourself. But it feels like whores doctors who play this game are simply parasitic.

Enough for tonight. Hmmm, is it me or you guys craving a hot open turkey sandwich right about now?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 26, 2009 · 4:19 pm

Man Jailed for Sex with Vacuum

carwash

Wow, that sucks!

Sorry, could not resist. This, my friends, is a true story. It appears 29-year -old Jason Leroy Savage (why do the nuts always have 3 names) was caught performing a sex act with a CAR WASH VACUUM and was sentenced to 90 days in prison. He pleaded no contest to indecent exposure and must also submit to a drug test. Yeh, I would say that would be indecent for sure, and you have to be pretty wasted to think it was ok. But lets face it, a lot of you guys out there reading this are a bit curious, no?

Wow, a car wash vacuum. That REALLY sucks. Literally. Surprised he did not leave his member behind.

Gives the saying ‘chrome off a bumper’ a whole new meaning.

Can’t make this stuff up.

I will leave you with a much loved video in my household.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 25, 2009 · 8:58 pm

Random Thought Thursday

Is it because I am a twitter addict or do I naturally think in 140 characters or less? Today begins a scary experiment on I Could Cry:

Random Thought Thursday.

If you have been reading me for any amount of time you have had a small glimpse inside my very noisy head. A friend described me the other day as having productive ADD. I have a tendency to ramble when excited or passionate. This will be a look inside what goes through my mind in any given hour.

I encourage all your lurkers out there to come out of the woodwork and add your own random thoughts to the comments.

Here is this weeks list:

Hurry up and wait is a given, deal with it.

If you think you are caught up you are probably wrong.

If your inbox is empty you might be dead.

Chances are  no matter what you do your kids will probably be ok.

Panic never helped the situation.

Balance is different from juggling.

No one loves me the way my dog does, but luckily I don’t mix Alpo into anyone else’s food.

Gravity is not always your friend.

The crying baby will inevitably sit behind you on the plane.

There is not possible way to sleep more efficiently to cut the hours that you need, believe me I have tried.

Hamsters do freeze. (please wait till they die)

I can’t possibly top that last one so I will say goodnight.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 24, 2009 · 8:56 pm

Who needs a quarter when you have a little sister?

A few weeks ago Danny and I staged a funny shot with one of these machines. A friend sent me this video because it reminded him of that post. There is no sound but it is still hysterical. I particularly like how the parents are totally oblivious.

But this! This is proof that kids will get into everything. Literally. If it is small enough – and even if it is not–  they will invariably shove it up their noses. No matter the size of the space, they will collapse their little bodies like mice and slip into a place no one would ever imagine they could go.

I am reminded of a little girl who got her head stuck in the slats of the deck (sorry for the bad memory Jana) and one of my nephews who got a toy lunar LEM wound up in his hair so tight that they had to go to the ER to have his hair cut with a scalpel to free it. And of course my all time favorite story of a neighbor’s kid who got a red jaw breaker stuck up her nose. Tip: don’t use a tweezer, have a nose blowing contest holding the other nostril and that sucker will usually shoot out across the room.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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