Category Archives: humor

May 29, 2012 · 9:01 pm

May Certainly IS Zombie Apocalypse Month

So, I see this posted on Facebook today and seeing that we are big Zombie fans in this house I sent it to my business partner. Because, you know, we were insanely busy today with too many deadlines and I wanted my projects to get out first and make her look bad  to lighten things up a bit and make her laugh. I just thought this was funny until she clued me on on the horrific story in the news about the guy in Miami found naked and chewing another guys face. (How did I miss this story? Shame on me!) Apparently he was high on bath salts, the latest designer drug of choice… for zombie types, I suppose. This is simply too crazy to fathom.

Of course I posted this on my wall because it was just too insane and then I received a post on my timeline from an old friend about this lunatic in New Jersey (is that redundant?) who stabbed himself and then threw his skin and intestines at the cops trying to help him from self harm.

W.

T.

H.

People, I am convinced that we should all consider a quick refresher  course on zombie preparedness ASAP.

Thank goodness May is coming to a close.

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May 24, 2012 · 11:38 pm

Labragoat

If you have ever owned  Labrador Retriever puppy you already started laughing at the title of this post. My last lab was a chewer as a pup as well, but it was so long ago my memory has faded. I am pretty sure that Iko is way worse. To give you an idea, here is a list of what she has chewed or eaten in the past few weeks:

  • A leather flip flop (see above, she did quite a nice job on this one)
  • 2 pairs of vintage prescription sunglasses and a nice bite out of the lens of a brand new pair (yes, I know, stop leaving them on the counter)
  • 2 plastic bins that we kept her toys in (BTW,red plastic comes out exactly how it went in)
  • A few indestructible dog toys from manufacturers with claims that they cannot be destroyed (they have not met Psycho Iko)
  • A couple of mouthfuls of Biotone (this is a garden fertilizer and required an emergency trip to the vet with the bag and a call to poison control. They told us it is not toxic and she will just violently projectile vomit… um, that is how we knew she ate it, but thanks.)
  • A ballpoint pen (leaving a blue birthmark on the side of her face)
  • A client’s check (perhaps she ate the pen to forge my signature on the check)
  • Countless sticks, flowers and terra cotta pots (she loves the garden)

Shall I go on? I guess you get the picture. Hey anyone want to dogsit this weekend?

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May 17, 2012 · 11:40 pm

Please Drink

This was sitting on the credenza in the conference room of a colleague when I arrived for a meeting the other day.

It was early, around 1PM, and I felt perhaps it was not really appropriate to have a buzz on for the meeting. But – there it was – this blatant directive. Would I offend by not complying? Would it appear rude? I was a little confused by the ‘No Disease’ tag up in the corner. And the hand sanitizer bottle.

I decided the only thing to do was to take a picture and text it to the principal of the company who I heard on the phone in the next office along with the word “Really?”

His response: “Did you have a drink? This is advertising baby”

I answered the only way I knew how, “I was looking for the Koolaid.”

Ok, so maybe I do have some fun when I am working.

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April 27, 2012 · 12:29 pm

Hot Flash Cool Down Necklace

Ok this one is a first. Yesterday I received an email hawking a necklace that claims to cool down your hot flashes. I love the site that was giving it away so this is by no means a dis to them or their promotion. In fact, this item must be doing really well because they have sold over 5,000 of them and have been featured on all sorts of mainstream media. But for blog humor purposes –  and what else really matters – I could not resist.

If you have ever had a hot flash, or slept next to one,  it sort of sounds like a good idea. What a lovely Mother’s Day gift. “Here honey, I bought you some jewelry”. She gets all, ‘oh what a sweet guy, I love you so much’ on you until she opens the box and sees you have purchased a hot flash necklace with the condescending name of – get this, ‘Hot Girls Pearls‘.

Ummmm, not the kind of hot girl this crazy meno-mama wants to be called. Just a tip guys, when she opens the box, you might want to duck out of the way when she throws these at you. They look like they might hurt on impact. I am thinking a good solid black eye could occur if her aim is good.

Please, no disrespect to the inventor of these babies. They could be very effective and lord knows we are looking for a way to cool down. But seriously, who really wants to wear a necklace modeled after the one that Wilma Flintstone wore.

Just saying.

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April 13, 2012 · 9:08 am

Friday the 13th

I love when this happens. People get all crazy and nervous and spend all sorts of energy trying to avoid bad luck; the intervention usually causes the accident.This is one of my strict playground theories and it carries over to real life quite well.

So, my Friday the 13th thing is that in 10th grade, my Social Studies teacher – Mr. Hansen – bless his sense of humor, thought it would be funny to put me in row 13, seat 13 for the Regents exam. You know, because although I had good grades I was sort of a wiseass. I know, that shocks most of you. Well, wouldn’t you know it… I aced the exam with a 98. From then on I felt I had broken the Friday the 13th curse.

I love to be a contrarian whenever possible. Again, a big surprise, I am sure.

Yesterday Mashable posted about Zombie Apocalypse preparedness with this lovely little map of the dead. Zombie fans, like Gary, will love this.

For the rest of you kiddies that are not Zombie predisposed, go out there and Carpe the friggin’ hell out of the Diem. Find a black cat and let it cross your path, walk under a ladder… do whatever the hell people freak out about when they are superstitous and prove this day to be lucky for you.

Either that or start drinking heavily at an early hour.

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April 10, 2012 · 6:17 pm

Land Shark on Mott

Just another sunny afternoon walking through Soho. Hey, even a land shark needs to shop once in awhile. And this one was trendy at that… a Calypso bag! Gotta love a shark with a big budget. I am sorry I did not catch the full twitter handle on his shirt.

I love NY indeed!

I consider it a gift of the universe when I walk out of a parking garage, rushing between meetings and I come across something like this. This happens to other people, right?

I am pretty sure I heard him muttering under his breath ‘Plumber, ma’am’, but I could be mistaken.

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April 1, 2012 · 4:32 pm

Diaper Lab

A big thanks to Uncle Neal for sending me this photo. (please don’t ask the origin of the Uncle, I do not know and no he is not a relative… of the traditional sense, anyway).

This came with the following explanation – of sorts – “we were leaving a tequila bar and saw this”. At first I thought perhaps he was afraid it was an hallucination so he took the picture to document its existence. Then, when he woke up and saw it on his phone, he thought who better to send this to but the MFTA?

Googling it, he found out that Diaper Lab  is a diaper service. The lab part sort of grosses me out. It makes me think that they are doing experiments on the contents of the soiled little nappies in the middle of the night. Maybe it is the way the shot was taken; in the pitch black with just the spot lights shining on the signage.

Ok, again, vivid imagination.

Of course, this picture has won the MFTA approval, for sure. Thanks Neal!

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March 31, 2012 · 7:16 am

Zukes Dog Treats vs. Bear Naked Granola

There really is no contest, it is all about point of view.

If you are a dog, it’s Zuke’s hands down. If you are human, the Bear Naked wins; if not by taste, surely by name. Naked is cool; Bearly Naked is intriguing.

What the hell is she talking about, you ask? Well, these highly similar packages sit right next to each other on the shelf in my pantry. So say you are a bit preoccupied in the middle of the afternoon with all the work you have to finish and you are making a little yogurt snack and figure the Bearly Naked would be lovely sprinkled into it. And then let’s just say you weren’t really looking and you…

Ok, you ALMOST poured the Zuke’s into it. Look at this photo, it really was an easy mistake!

I posted this on Facebook:

Note to self: do not store dog treats and granola in similar zip lock packages on the same shelf in the pantry. #justsaying

My favorite response came from my friend Jessica (her comments never disappoint). I LOVE her mom for this:

Ewwww. My mom used to put the fancy dog treats in a candy dish and all the men would dig in… so gross

Just another day in the life.

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March 28, 2012 · 11:45 pm

I hate when I suck at something!

In the house of social media, nothing is sacred.

Last night Jana had the brilliant idea to make pizza. We have tried this more than once before and we are not very good at it. Riki is great at it. Riki is great at all things cooking. Riki is our kitchen idol.

First time around we used cookie sheets and the pizza sucked.

Second time I had gone to BB&B and bought pizza stones like Riki told me to. We did not realize we had to heat up the stones, so that pizza… you guessed it – sucked.

This time? This time we called Riki first. She coached us. We were golden. Preheat the stones, make the pizza on the back of a floured cookie sheet (which BTW we argued about what a cookie sheet was) and then…

Well then we realized a little too late that we should not have put the sauce and toppings on the rolled out dough on the cookie sheets. Ok, I know, we are severely pizza challenged. This does not make us bad people.

During the heat of sucking at this I heard my phone go off and there was the tweet above.

Apparently nothing is sacred in my kitchen.

Fyi, we baked them on the cookie sheets and they were not all that bad but I do have a pizza stone permanently wedged on the bottom rack of my 1939 Chambers stove. This could prove to be a problem when making brisket next week. Perhaps I need a handy man. Or maybe just…

Riki!

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March 7, 2012 · 10:52 pm

Pee Wee’s Playhouse?

No, I did not set this picture up. What kind of pervert do you take me for? This gift from the MFTA gods just happened to be in a little store window in Williamsburgh as we were walking from drinks to dinner the other night. I love the Mac Mini box he is sitting on.

For those who are not familiar with Pee Wee Herman, he had a kids’ show from ’86-’91 called Pee Wee’s Playhouse  that was a big hit. That crossed over into my early child-bearing years but for some reason I remember us watching this before we had kids. He had sort of a cult following of 20-somethings that were simply amused by his humor.

His other claim to fame had to do with a popcorn container with a hole in it at the movies.

Unfortunate.

Whoever set-up the gnome in the crotch window display surely remembered that scandal.

And to think, I almost passed right by this one!

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