Category Archives: humor

January 11, 2011 · 11:02 pm

Comfort Wipe

Oh yeh, now we’re talkin’ MFTA material. I big thank you to Jana’s friend Sarah for finding this baby….

The Comfort Wipe.

In a nutshell, this is a a plastic arm that holds your toilet paper while you wipe your arse! They claim this is the first improvement to toilet paper since the 1880s. Oh, you mean the year it was invented? So they are saying nothing has changed in the TP world since it was first conceived of… I sort of doubt that. With all those bears and clouds hawking the stuff I would think there have been a few improvements along the way. I mean 2010 alone was a huge year in the land of the wiping of ones butt with advertising smackdowns and the like.

Back to the Comfort Wipe, I love the idea that these people find toilet paper ‘archaic’ and ‘disgusting’.  They are marketing this towards those who ‘just don’t want to touch dirty toilet paper’.

You know, as opposed to those of us who really like to.

With a pitch like that how could anyone not own one of these. Of course I do wonder how the hell you are supposed to clean this thing.

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January 9, 2011 · 11:49 pm

What we say vs. what they hear

Today I was having a lovely conversation with my brother. We have been phone tagging most of the week and it was nice to finally catch up.

Somewhere towards the end of the conversation I said that I had to get going because ‘I had to go food shopping.’

He hesitated and then said, “What did you say?!”, with a bit of surprise in his voice. I told him that I had to go food shopping and thought, jeez, his life must be mighty dull for him to ask me to repeat that.

“Oh!”, he said, “I thought you said you had to give a blow job.”

Really?! I mean this was my friggin’ brother, mind you, not my husband who I would expect this response from.

Not sure if this was a hearing issue, like yoga vs. yogurt, or simply my theory of the answer to every question being, “a little head would be nice” still holding up.

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January 2, 2011 · 11:11 pm

Snowman Condom

I saw this hermetically sealed snowman on my morning walk. As I was passing by I ran into a neighbor of mine who said he thought it looked like a snowman condom. What a perfect description!

I can only imagine the meltdown in that house that would prompt a parent to wrap an entire snowman in plastic. I assume the rain forecast put some poor young child into some sort of snowman frenzy.

Do you think they had that plastic sheeting in the house or did they make a special trip go buy it?

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December 29, 2010 · 11:14 pm

Voice Texting

I am sorry, is this not the most absurd concept ever? Voice texting. Hello… if you are willing to talk into the phone, why don’t you just… TALK into the phone.

The theory behind this is to make texting safe while driving. So, in practice, the recipient does not want to chat, they still want to text. And in all fairness, the caller may also not want to chat either but they are driving and want to be safe.

I guess I just find the whole thing sort of silly. A contradiction of terms. I think the texting wave gets taken to a whole new level here.

I have to commend the development of the technology in the name of safety. But it makes me sort of sad that we have reached a point in communication evolution that makes a quick vocal check in undesirable. I get the convenience. It comes in handy for the times when you need to ‘talk’ to someone who perhaps is hard to get off the phone. And you know I am a major lover of technology, early adopter, geek of another color. But this one… leaves me cold.

What next?

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December 22, 2010 · 11:19 pm

Twitter Parenting

For those of you who don’t know me, I am somewhat of a social media obsessed 50-something mom that jumps on most trends before her college aged kids because… well because frankly I am way cooler than they are. (says me)

Tonight, as I was wrapping up work around 10:45 because I have no life am trying to take some time off while my kids are home. I did a quick check in on twitter because I am addicted you never know what groundbreaking news or info you will find there.

Right there in the middle of my stream was my sweet adorable daughter, one of the last living breathing souls left in Madison, WI. She has not broken her record for having a final on December 23rd – the LAST day of finals – four years running! This is what she had to say.

This cracked me up as we are the family of the HEAVY tag when we fly. So shoot us, we like to have options.

I thought I would ease her mind and tweeted back:

For those unfamiliar with twitter, the # is called a hashtag. You use a hashtag at the end of a tweet to designate a topic. When a lot of people tweet with the same topic, that topic ‘trends’ or becomes the most popular thing people are talking about on twitter. At this moment the top trending topic is #howtopissyourgirloff. So I am thinking that it is not far-fetched to think that one of my hashtags could catch on.

Ok, maybe not #schmanboy.

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Filed under absurdities, college, conversations, family, humor, Jana, moms, twitter, vacation, wisconsin

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December 21, 2010 · 8:48 pm

Naturally, blame the mucus

Have you seen the Advil Congestion Relief commercial yet?

Woman is in bed with a terrible cold. Man with a t-shirt that reads MUCUS sits down on the bed.

00:01:02 It’s your fault.
00:01:04 Naturally, blame the mucus.
00:01:06 Well, I can’t breathe.
00:01:07 Did you try blowing your nose? of course.
00:01:09 [ Both ] AND NOTHING CAME OUT.
00:01:11 Instead of blaming me, try new advil congestion relief.

Can anyone explain why that makes me laugh so much? Yeh, I know, bodily function infantile behavior. So? C’mon, admit that you think it is funny too. I mean, can you imagine the creative team sitting in a conference room late at night before the client pitch? They’re all hopped up on caffeine and sugar and they have rejected at least a dozen ideas. Then someone stands up and shouts:

How ’bout we dress someone in a MUCUS t-shirt and use the line “naturally, blame the mucus”

Brilliance in advertising? Maybe not, but it certainly sticks.

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December 15, 2010 · 11:15 pm

Magnet for the Absurd

Doorbell rings. Dog barks. UPS man drives away. And there on my front stoop is a big old box from Cafepress.com.

Hmmm, what can this be? I open it up and there are 16 neatly wrapped identical square packages. I open the first one and there it is… the perfect MFTA mug.

Thanks to (uncle) Neal, who not only named me the MFTA but is not under any circumstances my uncle – and I still have no idea why we call him that. But he is surely as much my family as anyone who carries my bloodline. And knows me better than most.

The best part of this story is poor Neal had shoulder surgery last week and under the influence of some pretty crazy prescription drugs did not realize that instead of ordering 4 mugs he was ordering 4 sets of 4 mugs. I am thinking of planning an absurdity brunch. Imagine the criteria for an invitation!

Once again… I am the magnet for the absurd.

Thanks Neal, for the mugs, and for truly appreciating the finer points of my insanity. Love you, man.

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December 12, 2010 · 10:16 pm

Merry Overkill

I never quite understand what drives a homeowner to go these extremes to decorate for the holidays. Personally, I subscribe to the school of less is more. I cannot even imagine their electric bill at the end of the month!

It is hard to get the true feeling of this home as it sat on a very small piece of property. To the right, cropped out of this shot, was a carport with a host of inflatables atop its roof. Snowglobes and reindeer and all sorts of Santa apparitions.

I am not a fan of the inflatables. Seems lately those who like them put them up for every holiday. Their basements must look like the Macy’s parade warehouse. I particularly hate the ones that take a religious scene and try to render them in blow up materials. There is a manger scene in my neighborhood that looks like Alvin and the Chipmunks and I have a sneaking suspicion that was not intentional.

We stumbled upon the house above by accident last night and all we could think of was what was going to happen to all those decorations in the high winds and heavy rain that was coming today.

If it was not so far away I would have done a drive by for another shot. I suppose that would be a little too mean spirited, but think about how funny that decoration battlefield might have looked.


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December 12, 2010 · 12:50 am

Body Man Needed

Now, here is a creative alternative to all those impersonal dating sites. Why not just hang a sign on the fence in front of your house with a simple statement of qualifications?

Note this body man was not ‘wanted’, he was ‘needed’.

 

 

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December 8, 2010 · 8:09 pm

Huney Do

Seriously?!

I mean SERIOUSLY ‘dude’, you can’t possibly think driving around in a BMW with a HONEY DO license plate and a De-Fender bumper condom makes you cool, can you?

I wanted to wait till this guy got back in his car to see if he was wearing an ‘I am a Douche’ t-shirt. (sorry, that was probably uncalled for).

I just can’t help myself but rant when I see something like this. Guy goes to college, gets a good job, meets a nice girl, moves out to the suburbs, maybe has a kid or two and a house and a yard and the next thing he knows he trades in his I was once a fairly decent guy aura and becomes a suburbot (ooo, i sense another Urban Dictionary submission here).

For those unfamiliar with the term Huney Do – meaning those who either live under a rock, never saw a slice of life TV show or that stupid commercial (that I think is for Lowes) – Honey Do refers to the list of chores that a wife gives her husband.

Honestly, the word ‘chores’ reminds me of a 1950s sitcom.

Once, just once, I would like to hear one of these guys say…. Do it yourself, bitch. (ok, now I am totally out of control).

Not one to be into household gender roles all that much, this just makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little bit. There are a few things Gary likes to do around the house… leaf blowing and power washing. (see a pattern). They make him happy.(again, see a pattern). He will even throw in putting away lawn furniture, taking out the garbage and emptying the dishwasher. He is really easy to live with, I don’t have to make a list and when I am lucky he doesn’t call me bitch. (to my face, anyway) Although when I get a little out of control he has called me a crazy old hag – but I sort of deserved it.

Wait, I forgot I was writing about the license plate. So, now that I have finished this rant it occurs to me that this person probably lives in my town because he was parked fairly deep in the zip code and we are not a drive through sort of town. So? Any of you Pdubbsters out there know whose car it is?

Yikes.

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