Category Archives: health

Need a Jolt?

jolt-gum

I am one of those people that has a pack of gum on their desk and during the course of the day will chew the entire thing while I am working. It is some kind of OCD rabid chewing habit that one can only hone when working by themselves in the basement. It’s sort of anti-social to be snapping and popping away all day when someone shares your workspace. The dog? She could not care less.

So here’s the thing. This Jolt gum? If you read the fine print on the bottom left of the package you will find out that 2 pieces of this stuff is equal to 1 energy drink. Yeh, so that would mean that the whole pack would be equal to a pot of coffee or maybe letting the air out of a balloon and buzzing around the ceiling! I suppose that would be why their tagline would be: “Chew More, Do More”. I love their disclaimer on the website. “GumRunners, LLC supports responsible chewing. Please chew responsibly. Or responsively. Or both.” Sounds like these guys have chewed quite a bit themselves.

Don’t worry, I did not eat all 12 pieces at once. But maybe 4. And let me tell you, this is not recommended for someone with high blood pressure and an irregular heartbeat. Um, yes I would be raising my hand for those last two ailments. Note to self: switch back to Orbit.

I will, however, praise the makers of Jolt gum for supporting the USA National Team, even if they do humiliate that poor swimmer by photographing him with that ridiculous bonnet-like bathing cap on his head. Don’t you think the strings on this sucker are hideously long? But they do give 5 cents from the sale of every pack to the team and all kidding aside that makes me love this brand. They also support the military. No joke. They sent 25,000 free packs of gum overseas to our troops.

Honestly, there is nothing I love more than a brand with a sense of humor and cause-related programs. My two favorites. Kudos to you Jolt-peeps for bringing the buzz out of the cola into this chewy delight! Hey, do you make a decaf version?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Does this SUV make my ass look fat?

Fuel Crisis

Nothing like a ‘does this make my ass look fat’ post to start the year off right!

Once again, thanks to my BBFF MizLiz, another absurdity has been brought to my attention. I don’t know how I missed this one last week.

A Beverly Hills doc, Craig Alan Bittner, decided to power his car with the human fat extracted during liposuction. I kid you not. Fat contains triglycerides that can be turned into diesel. Basically we are saying the fatter the ass the longer the ride?

Should his patients be asking for doggie bags so they don’t need to stop at the gas station on the way home from surgery? My crazy friend The Bloggess kept berating her vet to give her the ovaries from her cat after she was spade, is this so different?

Before you run out and book yourself an appointment to shrink ‘er down and gas ‘er up I am sorry to inform you that Dr. Bittner has closed his practice to volunteer in a small clinic in South America. One where there is a gas shortage, you ask? Don’t start getting all warm and fuzzy about the guy, in actuality he closed his practice because he is involved in a lawsuit with 3 patients because he allowed his ASSISTANT and his GIRLFRIEND to perform surgeries without a medical license. The attorney for the 3 patients said he removed too much fat (is there really such a thing as removing too much fat) and left them disfigured.

Sure, but did they or did they not have a full tank of gas when they left?

You can’t make this stuff up!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

 

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Filed under absurdities, body image, current events, health, lawsuits, women

What kind of free offer is this?!

free-offerThis one is priceless. In my mail, addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Amy E. My Maiden Name (Gary just loves this!), would be this lovely promo.

And who, you might ask, has sent me this charming offer?

Pine-friggin-lawn Memorial Park and Garden Mausoleums. Um, park and gardens? Correct me if I am wrong but I see dead people!

The scary part is that we already own real estate here, thank you very much. And I am trying my best to stay the hell out of there for as long as possible.

What was the free offer for? A Let’s Face it Now booklet that answers all those ‘questions’. Like these (with commentary of course):

Do you need a will? (do you really need to ask this question?)

What does survivor do with will? (nice grammer – contest it, of course, that is what makes for a good family fight)

How about lawyers’ fees? (right off the bat I will say they are too high)

What 6 phone calls must be made? (1. liquor store, 2. liquor store, 3. liquor store, 4. liquor store, 5. liquor store, 6. dry cleaners – they always have the black dress)

How do you claim benefit payments? (call the high priced lawyer)

How do you arrange for family memorial property? (I am sorry here, but don’t we call these graves?)

cemetary

Keep in mind I do this kind of stuff for a living. I can only imagine what the meetings for this piece were like. Check out this picture. Can you imagine art directing this shoot? Cuh-ree-py!

I thought receiving the AARP card 3 times before I turn 50 was bad enough, but now this!

Sheesh! And a happy holiday to these guys too. Thanks Pinelawn Memorial Park and whatever, I will pass.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, fashion, health, humor, places of interest

Do you want soap with that?

Seems there is a new trend of bathing in the dishwashing sink at fast food restaurants these days. This week a group of girls bathed in the sink (in bikinis) at a KFC in Anderson, California. They of course posted the pics on MySpace because…

they are idiots! When does this generation get that pranking and posting doesn’t work out? Let’s run by some other morons who did this and lost their jobs.

Timothy Tackett, the Burger King employee who did the bathing trick in Ohio back in April. This guy is a trip. Great hair and make-up. Watch this video at least halfway through, it is worth checking out his gloves. My favorite line from him: “I had been looking at the sink for like 2 months and I thought, that’s big enough for me to take a bath in”. (hmmmm, what is that black wirey thing wrapped around my fork?)

Then there is the famous cheerleader, Caitlin Davis who got thrown off the New England Patriots squad for drawing swastikas and penises on a fellow cheerleader and posting the pics on Facebook. (I still don’t get the combo swastika/penis thing).

I once had a client who was all sorts of burnt out on biz and told me the only question she wanted to ask at work was, “Do you want fries with that?” Kind of worrying about what ever happened to her…

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Cosmetic Surgery from Hell

eye-1

Late last night we were laying in bed watching a little TV. Gary, like most men, is the king of the clicker so I am usually at the mercy of where he lands. We spent some time watching a 1997 Who concert. It was fun, even if Roger Daultry was most definitely wearing a short shirt that I had in 7th grade. During the fundraising promos we got bored and started to channel surf.

There for the taking on WeTV was Cosmetic Surgery from Hell. Yes, that wonderful station that also brings us Bridezillas (a must watch) and High School Confidential (because going through High School once is never enough).  Sorry folks, I could not resist watching. 

I am not sure what was more disturbing, the horrifying post-surgical photos or the show’s host. Anyone remember Jocelyn Wildenstein? Quite a resemblance. I have not seen lips like these since she graced the cover of New York Magazine. The voice of this host was surely not gender correct to the body. But I have to admit that the sound bites did not disappoint. These were my two faves:

“If it’s sagging, bagging or wagging, cut the thing off.”

“At first you’re going to look like a piece of raw liver.”

What more can one say about plastic surgery. Those two lines surely cover it all.

As if this show was not enough one that followed? Sex Change Hospital.

Nothing like a little late night TV, but tonight I think I will read.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Treatment or PR Stunt

Just read this one: David Duchovny in sex addiction treatment.

Being a huge fan of Californication and Duchovny I would like to put it out there. Do you think this is a PR stunt or real treatment?

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Filed under current events, health

Burning Mouth Syndrome?!

Yes, this is a real thing. (no that is not a picture of my actual tongue)

So of course if it is weird, I would get it, right?

A few months ago I started to have these odd symptoms like my mouth was burned. You know, like when you eat really hot pizza and you feel as if the roof of your mouth has turned to melted string cheese? (nice visual, right?).

Off I went to my dentist who gave me this speech about ‘women in their menopausal years’ yadayadayada. Another reason why menopause needs rebranding – tying all these nasty disorders to this lovely time of life. Then he comes up with an article from the Yale Taste Lab. I mean really, does this place actually exist? (it surely does) Imagine what a party it is in that place everyday. On top of menopause these Ivy League geniuses tied this to anxiety, depression, stress… the usual suspects. After all, everyone knows that women of a certain age are all crazy bee-otches, right? (husband, please do not answer that question, it was rhetorical)

I mentioned this to my new bbff (best blog friend forever) Liz, at Flashfree who had just done a post on menopause and taste. I hit send and within hours she had researched the hell out of this and done another amazing post about BMS, complete with a groovy youtube vid of the Trammps’ Disco Inferno (burn baby burn). That song NEVER gets old, does it? Thanks Liz, you rock.

Bottom line? There are all sorts of treatments. None proven.

Except of course the fact that if there is an odd symptom out there, chances are someone in my house will have it.

Ice pop, anyone?

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