Category Archives: absurdities

January 17, 2010 · 10:07 pm

Did you call me a Hotard?!

Situation: The family riding on the downtown streetcar in New Orleans. Me, chattering away about how much I love the architecture and similar thoughts on how interesting the city is.

Jana: Hotard!

Me: What?!! Did you just call me a hotard?

Jana: What? What the heck is a hotard? I was just reading the name on the back of that bus in front of us.

Me: Oh, sorry, I thought that was another one of those words you guys make up. Like the camp language.

Jana: Oh, jeez!

So then we got to talk about what a hotard would be and how it was wrong on so many levels. Think about it. Break that baby down. ‘ho. ‘tard. Both, SO not ok.

Hey, you can’t blame me for thinking this was another one of those slang words my kids seem to know the meaning of and are always trying to explain to me. Like just the other day they spent all sorts of time explaining to me what a meep was.

Now if only I wasn’t such a hotard I might remember what they said.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 15, 2010 · 8:19 pm

Ugly People

You have to love a street artist with a sense of humor. Great marketing, this guy really broke the clutter on a strip in New Orleans where you couldn’t walk down the street without tripping over people trying to draw your portrait. (and psychics, more street psychics per square block than I have ever seen).

In case you can’t read the small type on the top sign under “Ugly People One Dollar Extra”, it reads “So Hurry – Get your caricature NOW (before the UGLY sets in).

Now the butt sketch? It was tempting. And with the way my boy wears his pants these days he would only have to lift his shirt for them to get a full view.

This is my kind of town!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, art, body image, college touring, danny, travel

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January 12, 2010 · 10:45 pm

This little piggy

Teacup pigs have become all the rage lately and I am not going to lie, I sort of want one. How damn cute is this little thing? I decided to do a little research on them before I ran out and brought home another heartbeat to my house.

I learned these are not like teacup poodles. These critters can actually grow anywhere from 25-60 llbs. Hmmm, that could be like the size of my dog. Hey cute as a little piggy but getting a bit slovenly when tipping the scales at 60.

When I told Danny that I wanted one who told me he would feel kind of bad eating bacon in front of it. So we did a little more research and have decided to get a miniature horse instead.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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January 10, 2010 · 10:09 pm

Underground in their underwear or skivvies in the subway

The other night on Letterman I heard the funniest line:

If underwear was outlawed only outlaws would wear underwear.

Not sure why that struck me as so funny but it just did. Now here is another foundation garment related story that caught my attention. An event created by one of my favorite groups, Improv Everywhere – the 9th Annual No Pants Subway Ride. This event takes place in 44 locations in 16 countries! Their website claims an estimated 3,000 people participated in NYC. According to the New York Post article covering the event (which estimate the numbers closer to 700 – what is this Woodstock?), Improv Everywhere’s mission is to cause “scenes of chaos and joy in public places”. Bottomless subway riders surely fits that bill. My kind of group!

In my humble opinion, during these stressful times (aren’t you sick of that term already?) there just isn’t enough silliness in the world.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, current events, humor, New York, New York City

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January 7, 2010 · 8:55 pm

When Twitter is Down

So it happened tonight. To the dismay of those of us who use it as drug of choice/best time suck of all time the world’s most sophisticated social media types, twitter was so down that we were not even getting that cute little fail whale graphic. How did I find out? On Facebook, of course. The other place where online junkies get their fix favorite network of choice.

My guess was that since the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) is going on right now all the geekiest of geeks most sophisticated technology types were jamming twitter and causing it to sporadically fail.

I did a quick Google search to find out what was up and came across my new favorite site. It is called whentwitterisdown.com and every time you refresh the screen you get a new message. It is kind of like web 2.0s version of the magic 8 ball with an attitude.

Here are some of my faves:

I love the last one. And for the record, I don’t have a cat!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

6 Comments

Filed under absurdities, communities, conversations, current events, humor, searches, social media, technology

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December 30, 2009 · 10:17 pm

Font Masturbation

No, I did not make up that name, but I wish I did. This is an actual typeface that I found today while doing a font search. I will admit I colored it and added the effects, but hey, who wouldn’t?

You can see it here on my favorite free typeface website, dafont.com. (please keep in mind many of the free fonts are for personal use, if you want to use them commercially you need to contact them. This one in particular would be for EXTREMELY personal use).

This sucker (no pun – ok maybe yes pun) was designed by Graham Meade of GemFonts and I am not going to lie, I think I might have a crush on him. Seriously, how can you not love a guy that designs a typeface like this? It is so beautifully executed with just a hint of the perverse while still maintaining that whimsical aura. (ok, too many years of doing design presentations, I know).

Yes, once again I am an infant. But let’s be honest, that is why most of you come here every day; to see me behaving poorly.

Wishing you all a happy new year, be safe and remember, penic masturbata is just font usage with someone you love. And of course, hoping you do not experience any typface interruptus in 2010.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 22, 2009 · 9:21 pm

Let’s Play Holiday Air Travel – A Reality Show

Flying. It just plain sucks these days. Weather, no weather, it’s all the same. Delays, cancellations, cranky passengers, bag fees, no meals… no fun.

Today, Jana played the third installment of fly home at Christmastime from a school in the Midwest.

After a huge snowstorm that crippled the east coast airports.

With very heavy luggage.

Now that the stage is set here is how the reality show went. These were the parameters: Connecting flights through Milwaukee. Two different airlines (thanks studentuniverse.com). Ok, flight one is delayed 1 hour. Flight 2 is delayed only 1/2 hour. Here is the catch, airline one will neither check the bag through to final destination, nor will they assign a seat on flight two (airline two). She is now required to do the following:

1. take delayed flight #1.

2. retrieve bags at baggage claim.

3. go to airline #2 ticketing desk to check bag (pay fee and heavy surchage AGAIN – bags flew for more money than she did)

4. get seat assignment.

5. go back through security.

6. arrive at gate and board plane.

All this had to be achieved in under 45 minutes. Now THAT is what I call incredible customer service! Jeez, can they be any more alienating?

I placed a little over/under on Facebook but I am happy to report she is now seated on flight 2 (behind a crying baby, of course) and on her way home.

Hey, at least her next flight will be to Europe for semester abroad. I am sure connecting flights in Madrid will go much smoother. Imagine, the Telemundo version in Spanish!

2/23 UPDATE:

To the idiot behind the counter at Airtran in Milwaukee… thanks for your undying lack of compassion, completely inexcusable lack of customer service and your totally inane comment of, “There is no way either you OR your bag will make this flight.” Seriously, do they give you a handbook on how to be a total creep when you do your training? Oh and of course, thanks also for being the slowest moving damn ticket agent in the midwest, just to add insult to injury. No thanks to you, she AND her bag made it. Perhaps that was due to the good nature of each and every person on the security line that let her cut through, and a great pair of 20-year-old legs that sprinted to (of course) the furthest gate in the airport.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 19, 2009 · 4:35 pm

Does your mom look like this? Another online ad fail.

Ok, who’s responsible for this one? I am constantly entertained by online advertising these days. This beauty showed up on weather.com this afternoon. Let’s see, huge eastern seaboard blizzard this weekend, how many impressions do you think this baby got? I am sure this is the kind of mom Obama was talking about educating.

So, anyone out there have a mom that looks like this? Just asking. Don’t want to make too many assumptions but I am pretty sure this guy would not fall under the category of mom… ANYWHERE! Perhaps the American Laser Centers would like to give this guy a shot for their next ad. Way to go classesUSA.com, nice photo pick.

But wait. A refresh on the site came up with this tidbit. Seems our ‘mom’ is being used in more than one ad on here. Another Obama backed program and hairy dearest has shown up on a driver’s license promoting auto insurance discounts. lowermybills.com, you may want to talk to your agency about this.

Nope, not done yet. One more page refresh landed me here. We have now gotten ourselves a shot at government refinance relief. Seems lowermybills.com did not want to pay extra for more stock photo images, so one bearded guy fits all is the mantra for their ads.

Now that I look at this guy I worry that he was stolen out of someone’s Facebook pictures from the 70s. Anyone recognize him? I mean, I think I went to college with at least a dozen guys that look like this.

Can’t make this stuff up.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visitLeaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 18, 2009 · 10:28 pm

Are New Yorkers Really Miserable?

The CDC told us today that New Yorkers are the unhappiest people in the country. Seems our neighbors are pretty miserable living next door because New Jersey and Connecticut are up there too. Hey Jersey, I get it (just kidding Jersey friends) but what the hell does Connecticut have to be so unhappy about being all Norman Rockwell up there?

These studies are so ridiculous to me. Tennessee and Louisiana are in the top five along with Colorado, Hawaii and Florida. Ok, so Colorado and Hawaii I get. But Louisiana? What? Katrina left in its wake a state full of the elated. Nope. Don’t think so. And Florida, well, let’s see, half the state is full of New Yorkers. Oh, I get it, all the happy ones moved down there.

There is all this data about good weather and happiness. Sure I get it. But NY has a lot more than weather to offer. Honestly, I will take a cultural center over the early bird special any day.

Happiness, in my opinion, is not something that geography can control. It comes from inside us all. Find what makes y0u happy and you can stay that way wherever you live.

And hey, I know plenty of miserable people in Florida!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visitLeaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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December 15, 2009 · 5:59 pm

No more shaving?!

Nope, didn’t make this one up. This baby is a screen grab right off my Facebook page. One of those creepy targeted ads towards women over 50. Or should I say, bearded women over 50. Hold onto your hats kiddies, I am up for a good rant on this one.

C’mon American Laser Centers! Are you friggin’ kidding me!

I mean, do you really think that a woman with shaving cream on her face is going to attract the likes of me and my kind? Honestly, we wax. And we laser after weighing the consequences of lifelong hair removal from certain parts of our bodies. Many do have to do a little touch up above the lip (I am thankful to say I do not). But um, facial hair to the point of having a beard?! Did you think maybe a shot of some long legs or a perhaps a hint of the bikini line might get us a little more attracted to your service than to show a woman…

SHAVING HER DAMN FACE!

I am sorry, last time I went on a girls weekend with my 50-year-old friends I don’t recall any of them whipping out the shaving cream and the razor and going to town on their chinny chin chins. I do remember a few conversations with the word ‘Brazilian’ in it but hey, we are just a bunch of women over 50, what do we know about hair removal? Well, this one does know that the hair removal market sits at around $1.8 billion annually – yes with a B! Thanks Wendy for that little factoid.

Wait, have I mentioned that 50-year-old women tend to be menopausal with erratic behavior patterns and reactions to things that piss them off. Oh right, did not show up in the research.

Oh, you were trying to be funny you say?

NOT.

Just curious, did you do any kind of focus group on that ad? Was there even a woman in the building when you guys did that creative? My friends, this is what we call a big time fail in my book.

So, my dear friends at the American Laser Centers, let’s see what kind of social media monitoring you are doing now that you put that ridiculous ad on my Facebook page. Or shall I say anti-social media? Rule number one, make sure you monitor or you are setting yourselves up for a nightmare. Might I suggest  The Social Studies Group, they can set you up with a nice program. And hey, $3,000 worth of free laser treatments would be a good sort of apology for insulting the hell out of me.

Now, you will have to excuse me, I have to go call the wonderful woman who waxes me and tell her how much I appreciate her sensitivity.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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