Category Archives: absurdities

January 9, 2011 · 11:49 pm

What we say vs. what they hear

Today I was having a lovely conversation with my brother. We have been phone tagging most of the week and it was nice to finally catch up.

Somewhere towards the end of the conversation I said that I had to get going because ‘I had to go food shopping.’

He hesitated and then said, “What did you say?!”, with a bit of surprise in his voice. I told him that I had to go food shopping and thought, jeez, his life must be mighty dull for him to ask me to repeat that.

“Oh!”, he said, “I thought you said you had to give a blow job.”

Really?! I mean this was my friggin’ brother, mind you, not my husband who I would expect this response from.

Not sure if this was a hearing issue, like yoga vs. yogurt, or simply my theory of the answer to every question being, “a little head would be nice” still holding up.

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January 5, 2011 · 5:58 pm

National Whipped Cream Day

I am always amused by what becomes a trending topic on twitter. Apparently today is National Whipped Cream Day. According to the Huff Post the holiday falls on the birthday of the Reddi-wip founder, Aaron “Bunny” Lapin.

It is official. We now have a holiday for every reason. While scanning the stream on twitter I was amused by such tweets as:

It’s National Whipped Cream Day! My nipples have been waiting all year for this!

National Whipped Cream Day? Really? Some of you Porn Freaks must be happy.

and this great one:

It’s funny that “National Whipped Cream Day” and “Britains Fattest” are trending at the same time.

I still like mine the best:

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January 2, 2011 · 11:11 pm

Snowman Condom

I saw this hermetically sealed snowman on my morning walk. As I was passing by I ran into a neighbor of mine who said he thought it looked like a snowman condom. What a perfect description!

I can only imagine the meltdown in that house that would prompt a parent to wrap an entire snowman in plastic. I assume the rain forecast put some poor young child into some sort of snowman frenzy.

Do you think they had that plastic sheeting in the house or did they make a special trip go buy it?

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December 29, 2010 · 11:14 pm

Voice Texting

I am sorry, is this not the most absurd concept ever? Voice texting. Hello… if you are willing to talk into the phone, why don’t you just… TALK into the phone.

The theory behind this is to make texting safe while driving. So, in practice, the recipient does not want to chat, they still want to text. And in all fairness, the caller may also not want to chat either but they are driving and want to be safe.

I guess I just find the whole thing sort of silly. A contradiction of terms. I think the texting wave gets taken to a whole new level here.

I have to commend the development of the technology in the name of safety. But it makes me sort of sad that we have reached a point in communication evolution that makes a quick vocal check in undesirable. I get the convenience. It comes in handy for the times when you need to ‘talk’ to someone who perhaps is hard to get off the phone. And you know I am a major lover of technology, early adopter, geek of another color. But this one… leaves me cold.

What next?

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December 22, 2010 · 11:19 pm

Twitter Parenting

For those of you who don’t know me, I am somewhat of a social media obsessed 50-something mom that jumps on most trends before her college aged kids because… well because frankly I am way cooler than they are. (says me)

Tonight, as I was wrapping up work around 10:45 because I have no life am trying to take some time off while my kids are home. I did a quick check in on twitter because I am addicted you never know what groundbreaking news or info you will find there.

Right there in the middle of my stream was my sweet adorable daughter, one of the last living breathing souls left in Madison, WI. She has not broken her record for having a final on December 23rd – the LAST day of finals – four years running! This is what she had to say.

This cracked me up as we are the family of the HEAVY tag when we fly. So shoot us, we like to have options.

I thought I would ease her mind and tweeted back:

For those unfamiliar with twitter, the # is called a hashtag. You use a hashtag at the end of a tweet to designate a topic. When a lot of people tweet with the same topic, that topic ‘trends’ or becomes the most popular thing people are talking about on twitter. At this moment the top trending topic is #howtopissyourgirloff. So I am thinking that it is not far-fetched to think that one of my hashtags could catch on.

Ok, maybe not #schmanboy.

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December 21, 2010 · 8:48 pm

Naturally, blame the mucus

Have you seen the Advil Congestion Relief commercial yet?

Woman is in bed with a terrible cold. Man with a t-shirt that reads MUCUS sits down on the bed.

00:01:02 It’s your fault.
00:01:04 Naturally, blame the mucus.
00:01:06 Well, I can’t breathe.
00:01:07 Did you try blowing your nose? of course.
00:01:09 [ Both ] AND NOTHING CAME OUT.
00:01:11 Instead of blaming me, try new advil congestion relief.

Can anyone explain why that makes me laugh so much? Yeh, I know, bodily function infantile behavior. So? C’mon, admit that you think it is funny too. I mean, can you imagine the creative team sitting in a conference room late at night before the client pitch? They’re all hopped up on caffeine and sugar and they have rejected at least a dozen ideas. Then someone stands up and shouts:

How ’bout we dress someone in a MUCUS t-shirt and use the line “naturally, blame the mucus”

Brilliance in advertising? Maybe not, but it certainly sticks.

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December 19, 2010 · 10:02 pm

F8S BOYZ

This one stopped me in my tracks. I would imagine that paint job has to be custom, right? I mean I can’t believe there is a market for hot pink jeeps, unless of course we are living in Barbieland. It really does look like her dream jeep, doesn’t it?

What confused me was the plate… F8S BOYZ? Fate’s Boys? Maybe in the West Village, but not in the Staples in Manhasset!

Floral peace sign on a hot pink jeep? I am dying to know the story behind this baby!

 

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December 18, 2010 · 11:40 pm

Anti-Customer Service

Or, how the hell can I get a Kindle without ordering it online?

December 16th. Shopping hell.

PC Richards: Hello, this is PC Richards, can I help you.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

PC Richards: please hold

Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Give up and redail.

PC Richards: Hello, this is PC Richards, can I help you.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

PC Richards: please hold

Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Finally someone picks up.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

Sales Associate: please hold.

Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Hold. Finally someone picks up.

Me: Yes, can you tell me if you have the Kindle in stock.

Sales Associate: We dont carry the Kindle.

Seriously?!!!

Best Buy: Hello, this is Best Buy northeastern regional office. If you would like the Westbury store please dial (totally muffled numbers reminiscent of the announcement in the subway).

Redial 411 get correct number.

Best Buy: Hello, this is Best Buy, please hold.

This is a joke, right?

The good news is that this hold has a tape loop with some really interesting facts:

Every day 28,00o people become eligible for a mobile phone upgrade. (interesting)

From Dec 26th – 31st the Geek Squad will have a hotline to help you with all the cool tech stuff you bought. We have 17,000 geek squad technicians nationwide.

Hmmm… I would be happier with the 28,000 number. Maybe we could train the people who are eligible for phone upgrades daily to beef up that stat.

Sales Associate: Hello, this is Best Buy, can I help you.

Me: Finally! Do you have Kindles in stock.

Sales Associate: Sorry, sold out.

FYI, total of 12 minutes on hold to find this out. Still better than PC Richard that did not even sell them. Or the 2 Staples that we had visited in the time that we were on the phone on hold. They had signs in every window advertising the Kindle till we got inside only to find out… they were out of stock!

Solution: Amazon… pay the $20 for overnight shipping. Call it a day.

Moral of the story? Read a book.

 

 

 

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December 17, 2010 · 11:36 pm

Window Warriors

Little green army men; will they ever go out of fashion. You buy them in a bag of dozens and they keep little boys busy for hours.

Sad but true.

This was a bizarre scene in a drug store window that I took a while back. I am not clear why a NYC retail establishment would dedicate this much window space to such a low cost item. Unless of course this was a show of patriotism and had nothing to do with merchandising.

Whenever I see these plastic figures. all I can think about is a childhood story of Gary’s where he bit off all the heads of the army men. Not clear on the motive.

Perhaps it was a political statement (unlikely).

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December 15, 2010 · 11:15 pm

Magnet for the Absurd

Doorbell rings. Dog barks. UPS man drives away. And there on my front stoop is a big old box from Cafepress.com.

Hmmm, what can this be? I open it up and there are 16 neatly wrapped identical square packages. I open the first one and there it is… the perfect MFTA mug.

Thanks to (uncle) Neal, who not only named me the MFTA but is not under any circumstances my uncle – and I still have no idea why we call him that. But he is surely as much my family as anyone who carries my bloodline. And knows me better than most.

The best part of this story is poor Neal had shoulder surgery last week and under the influence of some pretty crazy prescription drugs did not realize that instead of ordering 4 mugs he was ordering 4 sets of 4 mugs. I am thinking of planning an absurdity brunch. Imagine the criteria for an invitation!

Once again… I am the magnet for the absurd.

Thanks Neal, for the mugs, and for truly appreciating the finer points of my insanity. Love you, man.

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