Category Archives: absurdities

October 16, 2011 · 9:25 pm

Like a Hole in the Head

Have you ever thought about that expression? I need that like a hole in the head. A little violent, no? That is sort of like when I was little and said I was bored and my father’s two favorite lines were , ‘Then, go play in traffic’ and the ever famous child-rearing spark of genius, ‘Then, go bang your head against the wall.’

This awning sits atop a carpet store not far from where I live. I pass it often and never really processed it. I suppose it was simply part of the passing visual color outside my window. On Saturday we pulled into the parking lot for something else and of course I had to take this picture.

What do you think this guy was thinking? Catchy I suppose. But really a bit creepy. If I am not mistaken, there is a guns and ammunition store not far from here. Installing this awning on the wrong store could have been very unfortunate.

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October 12, 2011 · 11:29 pm

Not Pregnant

Ok, so if you know me personally this comes as no surprise. The fact that my kids are 19 and 22 and I am sans uterus makes it seem like the purchase of this item (and a 2-pack, no less) would be a waste of money.

Today, yes. In 1999, it seemed like the right thing to purchase. Ok, so what’s my point.

Well, the office purge was still going on when I came across a bag in the very back of the closet behind a box of old photos. And this was what I found inside…

with one test missing. I must have shoved it back there to hide it from you know who.

There was a period of time (no pun) when I seemed to always think I was pregnant. Not wanting a third child and having a spouse that sort of kind of did, I was always worried about it. Invariably I would go to the pharmacy the very next day to buy Tampax.

I am pretty sure they all laughed when I walked out.

 

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October 12, 2011 · 7:15 am

Note from Your Wife

Once again, a big thank you to Susan who has become a better magnet for crazy signage than I.

This one comes to you from our local paint and hardware store. I would assume that after countless husbands came back into their store with tails between their legs, they decided to have a little fun with it and give a gentle nudge towards encouraging spousal approval.

I thought of this yesterday as I was in the supermarket picking up dinner. There in the middle of the store, was a husband staring at a shopping list with a dazed and confused look on his face. Then I saw him dial his cell phone. He was someone I knew so I asked, “Not empowered to make that decision?” and he just cracked up.

What is it about married couples? Are we wives simply ridiculous control freaks or are our husbands truly incapable of these small domestic decisions because we have been handling them for so long?

Or both?

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October 2, 2011 · 11:46 am

The MILF Hotel

Yes, all you babes with children out there, I am happy to announce that now NYC has a hotel dedicated especially to you: The Milf Plaza. What better recognition for all the women who have worked hard to stay in shape and look great after having kids than to dedicated a landmark hotel to them.

Some of you may be saying to yourselves, ‘Hey, I am a New Yorker, you can’t fool me, that is the Milford Plaza with the o-r-d retouched out.’ (sounds sort of like a Monty Python routine… fish license, anyone). I will say to you all, ‘No, no, no; this baby is for real’. We can thank Mark R. for posting this on facebook and Cathy S. (his lovely wife, and according to him the ‘highest authority’) for validating its authenticity.

When you see stuff like this you can’t help but think that someone at that hotel was having some fun with this. Or could it simply be serendipity that those letters all went out at the same time for the sheer purpose of entertaining the likes of people like my friends and I.

Now I can’t stop singing The Lullaby of Broadway (this commercial ran constantly back in the 90s – check out the talented staff and the price!)

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September 22, 2011 · 5:18 pm

The Trash Stops Here

Well, folks, I have some sad news. My favorite garbage neighbors are moving! I rounded the corner towards their house this morning only to find this moving truck parked at the curb. This could explain why they had such intriguing trash… they were purging.

Which leaves me to wonder about all the stuff I have been throwing out since the storm (12 lawn and garbage bags and counting… just from my office – no lie). I don’t believe I have anything all that interesting coming out of here. This leads me to believe that I may not be as interesting as I think I am.

In respect for this solemn occasion I am posting links to the posts about this wonderful family’s garbage. These guys will surely be a tough act to follow. Since we haven’t had a poll here in a while, below these links you can vote for your favorite.

More Great Garbage

My Artsy Neighbors

The Dog and Kandinsky

Headless Garbage

Do you think I should go meet them before they go? What if it’s too late?

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September 22, 2011 · 12:27 am

Our Lady of Problems

A big thank you to Lon for this picture, and the post title. The best part about this sign is the Sunday sermon… America’s Joyous Future. Anyone who can give a sermon like that after a week of problems like those deserves a packed house.

Hmmm… I forgot to ask him if this was real or something he made on one of those custom sign generator sites.

 

 

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September 14, 2011 · 6:45 pm

Facebook Ad of the Week

After a rather trying day of work this ad popped up on my wall. The title made me laugh but when I looked closer at the photo I started cracking up. It appears that this a line of people sniffing other people’s underarms. I wish it was not such a lo res shot because I would love to get a closer look at this one.

My big question is what the hell was this photo originally taken for? Underarm deodorant ad? It actually looks like a scene from Woody Allen‘s Sleeper.

So, kiddies, does your career stink? Maybe you need to find this ad on facebook and click it.

Hmmm, now I am wondering what the heck I said about not liking my job that led the ominous facebook algorithm to place this ad on my wall. Creepy, indeed.

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September 12, 2011 · 12:29 am

That must have been SOME slice!

Dr. Jimmy definitely wins the crazy link of the week award! Today we have another ridiculous news story from my fave midwestern town, Madison, WI.

A woman and her son went out for pizza, leaving their 70-year-old relative on the floor after a bad fall. The woman died two days later. Hey, who could blame them, the cheese in Wisconsin is to die for. (sorry, that was low, even for me).

And these two crazy nuts decided to stash her body in the garage. Yikes. The son told investigators that when his aunt was talking he ‘told her quite frankly to shut up.’ Charming guy.

The son’s name was… get this one… Steven King. (different spelling but nonetheless sort of ironic)

Horror story indeed!

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September 6, 2011 · 11:24 pm

Oh My Cherry?

Seriously, Zara? You really named your perfume ‘oh my cherry’ (nice typography BTW). Gotta admit it was pretty ballsy in a … well you know, cherry sort of way.

This was perched at the counter when I went to pay yesterday. I even commented to the cashier. “Really?!”, I said. “I know, right?” was her response. She said the employees were all surprised, but people love it.

Hey, who could pass this up? What a great gift item. Sort of a stocking stuffer, if you will.

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September 5, 2011 · 9:22 pm

Dog Wash

Ahhh… yet another submission to the Magnet For The Absurd. Thanks to Lon for sending in the fabulous picture.

I don’t know about you guys but I would take advantage of this often… my dog stinks! Seriously, she suffers from D.O. big time. Gary would simply love this as he is a frequent flyer at most car washes near his office.

I would love to see the inside of this place. 

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