Seen in the waiting room of an ob/gyn’s office today:
Young man with spiky hair and his girlfriend wearing ripped leggings. He was carrying a copy of Puppies for Dummies. Should we not be concerned that this couple was breeding?
Old Orthodox Jewish man with long white beard and black hat sitting in a chair next to… a teddy bear.
Dr. Phil! What is up with these friggin’ people? Why would you do this on National TV? Are they for real with all this crying and airing of their personal business for the whole world to witness. (hmmm, sounds like some popular mommy blogs we know, does it not?)
News promo, “Baby Jesus returned to manger in Babylon… Town Mall (for non-locals, Babylon is suburb of NYC)
A plate of garlic knots at the receptionist’s window where there would normally be a basket of hard candy. What is up with that?(fyi, spiky haired man asked his girlfriend if she wanted one because it would make her breath ‘taste’ real bad! this sounds like something Napoleon Dynamite would say.)
That about sums it up folks.
Does everyone encounter these kinds of oddities in their day or is it just me?
Oh, how I love this site. We have spent time looking things up on here and laughing many times. So I decided it was time to submit. Lo and behold my word was accepted. Gotta love it. If you could be so kind, jump over there and show me some love with a thumbs up. For those who were not familiar with my made up word posts you can read Vol. 1 here and Vol. 2 here.
The scary part is that we already own real estate here, thank you very much. And I am trying my best to stay the hell out of there for as long as possible.
What was the free offer for? A Let’s Face it Now booklet that answers all those ‘questions’. Like these (with commentary of course):
Do you need a will? (do you really need to ask this question?)
What does survivor do with will?(nice grammer – contest it, of course, that is what makes for a good family fight)
How about lawyers’ fees?(right off the bat I will say they are too high)
What 6 phone calls must be made? (1. liquor store, 2. liquor store, 3. liquor store, 4. liquor store, 5. liquor store, 6. dry cleaners – they always have the black dress)
How do you claim benefit payments? (call the high priced lawyer)
How do you arrange for family memorial property?(I am sorry here, but don’t we call these graves?)
Keep in mind I do this kind of stuff for a living. I can only imagine what the meetings for this piece were like. Check out this picture. Can you imagine art directing this shoot? Cuh-ree-py!
I thought receiving the AARP card 3 times before I turn 50 was bad enough, but now this!
Sheesh! And a happy holiday to these guys too. Thanks Pinelawn Memorial Park and whatever, I will pass.
(no this is not a picture of my desk, but it was tempting)
Today was some day. I am pretty sure all the technology in my office got together while I was in the bathroom or making coffee and plotted against me. First, my email account decided to completely stop sending emails. Oh, it would receive just fine, but not a single message would go out. Luckily I am a lunatic with many email addresses, but this was the main one. Wait, was I being censored or just paranoid? Or both?
Then, of course, the blackberry decided to wig out because I changed the password on the email account in lieu of kicking the CPU (that rarely works).
When I plugged the digital camera into the USB port it opened the scanner software instead of the image download utility. Why? To mess me up of course!
For the last few days my large format printer has had a low ink blinking light on one of its eight color cartridges (does it really need light magenta to print? give me a break with the 8 colors!) Could this have been a signal to the other equipment to start acting up? What? This sounds delusional to you?
Of course today was an insanely busy work day, when else would all of this stuff happen?
On my bulletin board over my desk sits a quote,
“When the mechanical-technological things in our life break down, it is not a personal attack on us. It is just the nature of the mechanical-material world”
Lovely. I feel much better, thanks. Makes half a lost day seem ok now (not!)
This will fall under the category of ‘You Just Can’t Make this Up’. I was half listening to WFUV (Fordham University’s gem of a radio station) when a report came on about the New York Hamster House.
Yes, ladies and gentleman, New York has it’s very own shelter for homeless hamsters. Here is quote from the site in case you are not inclined to click on the link:
“Wilhelm, the first guest, was found running across Broadway at Thayer Street in Inwood. Since then, the NYHH has taken in over 500 homeless animals, and has placed most of those in happy, safe forever homes. We shelter, adopt out, and board hamsters (as well as gerbils and mice).”
How lovely that the gerbils and mice are included. This is what I call non-sectarian rodent rescue.
In keeping with the idea that EVERYONE has a blog, the NYHH also has one. Please note that October 30th post has a photo of a hamster in a cheerleading uniform. Better watch out for those cheerleaders, they can be vicious.
Honestly, I am a lover of animals and I appreciate what Ms. Jessica Wells is doing. But for some reason I just can’t get past the idea of what this place must smell like.
Where has this place been all my life?! (answer: Spring Street, NYC). How many times have you thought to yourself, ” What I wouldn’t give for a slice of vodka pizza?”
It is both satiating and inebriating. Simultaneously. What could be better?
Angry? Me? Actually no. But this search term that landed a reader on my blog just kills me. Wendy, you challenged me to write a blog post on this one, so here it is.
Ask my family. This has overshadowed my need to sing Kung Fu Fighting daily. (yes, I really do that) I don’t know why I find this so funny. I love when something can make me laugh like that, even if it is completely ridiculous. Oh, that’s right, I love the completely ridiculous. In fact, I might have to say that is the mission statement of this blog. (are mission statements still fashionable?)
Over the past few days I have found that I have given this advise to people more than once.
What, you have a client that just changed the complete direction of a project you are working on? (you know who you are). Well, just send them ‘a big box of shut the hell up?’.
You say that a social worker you hired to help you navigate the horrific sandwich generation task of handling your elderly parent’s healthcare issues just threatened to quit? (you also know who you are). Well, my friend, get her on the phone and let her know she is getting a special delivery ‘big box of shut the hell up’.
Ok, one more. Your teenager is arguing with you, over text message no less, and you have had enough? (you surely know who you are). Tell her case closed and when she gets home she can carry that ‘big box of shut the hell up’ to her room and remember who’s the mama in your house.
I am thinking of putting out a product line. (nobody steal this, ok) If you would design a big box of shut the hell up, what would it look like? Seems I have already started on the logo.
Late last night we were laying in bed watching a little TV. Gary, like most men, is the king of the clicker so I am usually at the mercy of where he lands. We spent some time watching a 1997 Who concert. It was fun, even if Roger Daultry was most definitely wearing a short shirt that I had in 7th grade. During the fundraising promos we got bored and started to channel surf.
There for the taking on WeTV was Cosmetic Surgery from Hell. Yes, that wonderful station that also brings us Bridezillas (a must watch) and High School Confidential (because going through High School once is never enough). Sorry folks, I could not resist watching.
I am not sure what was more disturbing, the horrifying post-surgical photos or the show’s host. Anyone remember Jocelyn Wildenstein? Quite a resemblance. I have not seen lips like these since she graced the cover of New York Magazine. The voice of this host was surely not gender correct to the body. But I have to admit that the sound bites did not disappoint. These were my two faves:
“If it’s sagging, bagging or wagging, cut the thing off.”
“At first you’re going to look like a piece of raw liver.”
What more can one say about plastic surgery. Those two lines surely cover it all.
A few weeks ago I posted about the Man Bra. It was one of the many absurdities I have come across lately. At the end of that post I asked my readers to send me their best shot at the most absurd thing they have seen. I received quite a few excellent options. As promised, here are the choices. At the end of this post there will be a poll. I urge you all to vote. Why? I don’t know. Because it’s fun, maybe. If you are not the commenting type (which most of you aren’t) that is fine. But the voting is easy. C’mon, don’t be such a drag. Humor me. I mean here I am typing away every night to entertain, it’s the least you an do for me. (note to self: find out when Nana started channeling guilt through me)
Here goes:
1. Men’s Butt Lifting Underwear.
Submitted by Jamie of blonde mom blog. I guess this would be the equivalent of the push-up bra for women, right? Buy a pair of these and no more muffin top baby. You can put these suckers on and you are good to go, sans love handles!
2. Man Tries to Pay Bill With Spider Drawing
Submitted by Mel via her mom Judy. You can see the entire exchange at news9msn, but the abbreviated version is some guy claimed to not have any money and tried to pay a bill for 233.95 with the drawing below. He also claimed to be time traveling at one point as was unable to respond until he got back.
Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.
Regards, David.
3. Men In Tutus
Submitted by none other than my BBFF Liz of Flashfree. This is a runway shot from Fashion week. Notice how happy this guy is. I don’t think they are paying him enough. Can’t wait to see that page in the NYT Sunday Styles section where they show all the people on the street wearing the same styles. What is that page called? You can see all the other ridiculous styles at bestweekever.tv
4. Schwetty Balls
Submitted by my dear friend Cath who knows I could never resist a good set of Schwetty Balls. I know what you are thinking, how could I hold out all the way to number 4 for this sophomoric Amyesque choice? I love all the copy on this ad, but my absolute favorite line is “Get your hands on some Schwetty Balls this Holiday Season”. How can you resist a line like that? Feel free to jump on over to Phoenix Sports Promos and tell them I sent you. When they say ‘who?’ they will really mean, ‘oh Amy, we adore her and thank her for the referral’. (hint: if Phoenix is doing their job out there monitoring the internet like Callahead was maybe I can get a free case of these. BTW, still waiting for the BMW)
5. Poodle abuse or do you think she digs this?
This one I found from my new Twitter friend @Dana_Willhoit. Dana tweeted this link the first day I started following her. Gotta love this. Check out Creative Grooming‘s site for more great shots. Oh, I love the Ninja turtle the best because when Danny was in nursery school and they asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up he said ‘A Ninja Turtle’. Anyone with a good tip on a college with a Ninja Turtle major, please let us know as we are starting our search soon.
Ok, Now for the poll. (jeez this is a long post!) Please vote!
Welcome to the fourth monthly installment of Top Ten Search Terms. For those who missed the last three, you can read Vol. 1 here and Vol 2. here and Vol 3. here. As before, I have compiled a list of my 10 favorite (actual) search terms that viewers have entered to arrive at this blog. Every month I get a few more little goodies that take me by surprise or just plain crack me up. Scary what people will key in when searching. Scarier that they find me. Each entry is linked to the post I assume they arrived at when using these keywords.
For email subsribers you will have to go to the page of the blog to use this function.
8. fat guys in bathing suits(nothing like a fat guy in a bathing suit, they always make the husband look thinner)
7. i could cry for days(ok, this person has missed the whole point, and unless they landed on a Tuesday post they would be highly disappointed. or maybe not. maybe this person needs a good laugh.)
6. www.old hairy women.com(believe it or not, this is a real site so I am not sure why they landed here. you can visit it if you like but it starts with “Warning, adult content. Must be 18 years or old to access this site. And how, might I ask, do they proof you before you enter? I passed, thanks)
5. boobss pop out while fight (with two s’s? yeh, well what’s a girl fight without boobs(s) popping out. I would assume that is part of the lure)
4. how to poison someone (this one is concerning and I am happy to say I do not have any idea how this landed here so there is no link. To my knowledge (officer) I have not written any posts that illustrate how to poison my husband anyone)
3. i dont have a condom (ok, bud, then it looks like you are screwed. or not. either way it seems you are having a bad night)
1. how about a big box of shut the hell up(this one? this one had me laughing for hours. in fact I cannot wait to use this the next time someone bugs me. how much fun would it be to say this to someone. I am still laughing. wait, is this not that funny and only I see the humor in it?)
This one is priceless. In my mail, addressed to Mr. & Mrs. Amy E. My Maiden Name (Gary just loves this!), would be this lovely promo.
i could cry but i don't have time 