Category Archives: humor

July 26, 2009 · 11:19 am

Proof my dog and I might be genetically linked

meds

Scary, but I think it is true.

My dog has not been feeling well lately. She has been panting at odd times and drinking a ton, so I decided it was time to bring her to the vet. Please understand that I love this animal as if she were part of the family. No, I do not walk her in a stroller, I am able to differentiate between my kids and my pet, but I do love her  just the same.

Keep in mind she just turned 11, so going to the vet to find out what is wrong is a tricky proposition. Nothing worse than dropping 1,000 bucks to find out your dog is terminal. Luckily, she is not. And it only cost $480 to find that out – a bargain.

It seems, good ole Mel suffers from hypothyroidism. This would explain her weight gain (not the table scraps I have berated Gary for giving her) and could explain her other symptoms. Oh, and her pH is off (what the hell?).

So who else in this house suffers from this plight? You guessed it (and the photo gave it away). So, my friends, my dog and I are now on the same meds!

I am praying she does not get rabies!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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July 19, 2009 · 9:39 pm

The Kid on a Leash with a Monkey on Her Back

kid-leash-monkey

Ah,  a beautiful afternoon walk on the boardwalk of my childhood. What a fine day to take one’s toddler out for a walk…

… on a leash! What were these parents thinking? You leash pets. Kids? You should hold their hands.

I know there is a segment of the parent population out there that thinks they are keeping their kids safe by leashing them. I just don’t buy it. I have had toddlers. Wandering toddlers at that. And I never once felt compelled to harness and leash them. I don’t know how the rest of you feel about this but I find the whole leash movement disturbing.

Look at this picture. If the parents only looked in the general direction of the kid instead of everywhere else, maybe there would be no need for the leash.

Does she get a biscuit at the end of the walk?

The monkey on the back was the icing on the cake for me. (apparently the monkey is part of the apparatus) We were walking and I said, “Hey look, there is a kid on a leash with a monkey on her back.”

This was the point of the day that I realized that I am starting to speak in blog post titles.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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July 8, 2009 · 7:29 pm

A man walks into a dentist’s office… naked!

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No, this is not the beginning of a corny joke. This was on this evening’s news.

It seems Christopher Hoff was a little warm today and decided to pay his dentist a visit sans clothing. No biggie, really. Just hop in the car, take a little ride and walk into the reception area with not a stitch of clothing on.

The receptionist? Well she screamed of course.

So he ran.

But the cops found him at home where he claimed to have been sleeping. Bud, just curious, by any chance did you dream about being naked in the dentist’s office?

Here is the best part. The receptionist was able to identify him immediately because ‘his eyes were very blue and he had a good tan’. Um, hon, this guy had his dick hanging out and you noticed his EYE COLOR? Any one else find this odd?

In case you are wondering he was charged with two counts of disorderly conduct and one count of public indecency. And failure to comply with fingerprinting. Maybe they should have taken a print of his… never mind.

So tell me, Dr. Jimmy, have you had any naked patients lately?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 30, 2009 · 10:03 pm

To the young women on the cell phone on the train…

Travelling backpacker

Did you think you were alone in that car? Were you under the impression that all of us sitting near you were deaf? More than once I have been on a train where people have aired their dirty laundry as if they were the only ones around. I have heard about family feuds, business deals gone bad, the intimate details of teen children’s social lives and marriages on the brink. But never have I heard a conversation quite like this one.

By the end of the 35 minute trip to the city I knew more about your life than I do about most of my dear friends. Because of the sheer stupidity of airing your dirty laundry on a commuter train, I will honor that by sharing some sound bytes with my readers. Hold on to your hats, kids, this chick is out there. Quotes are from her, italics are my commentary.

“So he said to me, “Tell your dad if all he cares about is his money, he can suck my dick.”

Hmmm, good start, right?

“I mean he broke my heart and stole my money. I told him he is going to have to work really hard to win me back.”

Ummm, why do you WANT him back?

“He wants to know why we can’t just be together. It’s so sad cuz we used to have so much fun till he stole my (dad’s) credit cards.”

Wait, he stole your credit cards and you are thinking you can work things out?

“He complained that my family is just all about the money and I told him that is what Long Island is like. He’s from Brooklyn and just does not get it.”

Sweetie, I think he gets it fine. He seems pretty much about the money if he stole yours. And, correct me if I am wrong but I think there are plenty of parts of Brooklyn that are about the money. Have you ever been to the Heights?

“He gets all defensive as if I did something wrong whenever I want to talk about him paying us back. It is so weird.”

Weird? Sounds kind of psychopathic to me.

And this is my fave of all:

“I told him he needs to learn that going to school is better than stealing and dealing drugs.”

Ya think? What the hell!

I was told today that people sense my being and then they perform for me so I can blog about it. Could that actually be true? Could I be a cosmic magnet for the absurd?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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June 16, 2009 · 8:15 pm

Camp Trunks

camp-trucking

Photo courtesy of Camp Trucking (some scary photoshop work there, wouldn’t you say?). Let’s hope this little plug helps to get our baggage moved with extra loving care.

Jana: Mom, seriously, you don’t need to nametape my underwear. (translation: hanky panky’s or the Gap knock-offs look equally silly with a nametape in them – keep your mitts off them)

Danny: Just let her do the nametaping. She can’t help herself this time of year. It is what she does. (this kid has always fully understood me)

Jana: Mom! We don’t send our stuff to the camp laundry as counselors. I will bring Danny’s into town and have them do it too. They charge like $8.00 for a week’s worth of laundry. (as an aside here I am thinking of driving my laundry up to the Adrondacks at that price)

Me: Danny, how do I nametape the reversible shorts?

Danny: MOM! Stop. You really have to let go of the nametaping thing. (ok, so maybe his patience is not as great as his understanding of me).

Me: Let’s go toiletry shopping. Remember how we always love to do this every year?

Danny: No, YOU love to do it. But you seem to forget that Jana and I did this without you last year because you had a deadline.

Me: All the more reason to do it all together this year.

I guess he is right. I am kind of pathetic around this time of year.

There are households in my zip code that start packing the trunks weeks before they go out. Us? They go out on Thursday.

We are thinking of doing it tomorrow night.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 16, 2009 · 9:26 pm

Offices for Rent

offices-for-rent

Stopped at a red light on my way back from food shopping this image was a gift. it is hard to believe this was taken in our pretty little suburb. If I did not know better I would have thought this picture was taken in the Bronx.

This guy is quite attractive, don’t you think? I mean, wouldn’t you want to rent space from him. Hey bud, how about a shirt? I can’t help but wonder who he was taking to and what they were taking about. He seems so intense.

I always wonder if other people notice this kind of thing as they navigate through their day. I shot a bunch of images today as I went through the mundane tasks of a Saturday.

Errands are so much more fun with a camera. (hey, that would make a great tagline).

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 12, 2009 · 10:22 pm

Blogaversary

blogaversary

Believe it or not, my friends, today marks my one year blogaversary. Yes, I have been banging away here on the the keyboard for a full year, trying to make you all laugh. I look back on my first post and still consider it one of my best: Spanx, Dunkin Donuts and the fear of YouTube. I had no idea what this crazy blog would become. Oddly that first post set the tone and made me realize that my life can be funny sometimes.

I hardly remember life before blogging. Everything seems like it should be a post. Sad, funny, poignant, disgusting, it is all blogworthy.

I think what this blog has done most for me, is made me walk the walk of its mission; to laugh, sometimes to the point of tears.

Face it, life is hard, and we all get cranky… A LOT. Those who know me well hear me kvetch on a regular basis. But this is the place I come to at the end of every day to force myself to see the humorous side of things. No matter how down I get, the idea of a big box of shut the hell up will always get a laugh out of me. Sometimes the topics are ones where you would never find humor, like aging parents. Other times it is just the theatre of the absurd, like the Freakatorium, because that is the best place to escape.

Hey, without this blog I would never have been the Minneapolis fm107.1 Get Real Girl of the Week. A thrill no woman should be denied.

As a little gift to myself I submitted the word blogaversary to Urban Dictionary. If approved this will join my other words there: bloganoia, psuedosnarky, twitobirth, twirgin and twexpert. Yes, it is an odd hobby but someone has to do it. Why? I don’t know, but someone does.

I want to thank all of you that read me so loyally. Those I know in real life, and those I have met through this space. Social media has combined my two faves, connecting with people and technology. I was a natural for this crap.

In celebration of this event, you can stop racking your brains on what to get me (no I am not registered at Blogs ‘r Us), simply humor me and throw a comment out today. Those who read daily but stay quiet, show a little love and tell me what you like, or what you don’t like. A favorite post, a least favorite topic. Or hell, share a recipe or a story of your own. Just de-lurk and show me that you are there. Then you can go back into your little holes and read quietly again after today.

Thank you all, and I see you in the stats so I know you are there. For making me realize that there is always room for more humor in your lives.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 9, 2009 · 10:39 pm

Sons are from Mars, Daughters are from Venus: A Mother’s Day Story

mothers-day

Today I received the most beautiful early Mother’s Day card from Jana. The second year of college has brought with it an ease in remembering the little things that make a big difference. She has made sure birthday gifts and cards arrive in time without being reminded. She handles her own ‘stuff’ with ease and little complaint. And this mother’s day the gift of her sending cards to not only me, but both her grandmothers, is the best one I could receive.

I texted her to thank her and tell her that she made me cry. She said she knew she would and then told me she had a funny story. Here it is:

Her friend went to buy a Mother’s day card and a girl who was in the store told her all the good ones were gone. The two of them decided to work as a team, going through every card in the store to try and find one that did not suck. While they were diligently reading every last card on the rack, a boy walked in, picked up the first card he saw, didn’t read it and walked out.

And that is the difference between boys and girls.

Hey, you have to give him credit for actually buying the card.

On this Mother’s Day I would like to wish all the moms in my life a wonderful day filled with family, love, and nothing that you do not want to do.

To my mom and my mother in law, I wish you the happiest day of all. I hope you both know how grateful we are to have reached this age and still have all four of our childrens’ grandparents. We are truly blessed.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 14, 2009 · 9:36 pm

Mommy’s Time Out

mommys_timeout

I came across this rack of wine quite awhile ago and just stumbled upon this image in the archives on my laptop.

What a brilliant marketing idea. I wonder why I have not seen or heard of this since. So, of course I did a quick search and found their website. Rather unimpressive but I found their little blurb quite charming:

We All know that being a Mommy is a difficult job.  A Mommy’s Time Out is a well deserved break. 

No spin. No pretense. No psuedosnarkiness – (go ahead, click the link. Yes I have yet ANOTHER word in UrbanDictionary. I am become a regular Merriam Websterwitz).

I like that they went for the simple, to the point message.

So here’s to you Mike Cincotta of Selective Wine Estates – a job well done. And chances are there won’t be anyone ‘going motrin on you’ for trying to relate.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 7, 2009 · 11:01 pm

All the Other Vegetables Were Jealous (vol. 2)

horseradish_penis2

I am always amused at the comedic way Mother Nature toys with us in the produce section.

While frantically shopping for the Passover Seder in what felt like an episode of Supermarket Sweep, I ran into a dear friend near the broccoli. She was asking what I used for the bitter herbs on my seder plate and I told her that I was a fan of fresh horse radish. As she reached into the pile and pulled out this beauty we could not help but notice its striking resemblance to…

well, I don’t think I need to spell this one out, do I? No wonder I am a fan, right?

This past summer I wrote about a certain cucumber who I am sure would be quite jealous of the way this horse radish was being held.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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