Category Archives: humor

May 29, 2010 · 6:29 pm

Back Waxing

While taking this picture on Main Street in my town a couple walked by and he said, “Hey, maybe I should go get my back waxed.”

I must say that $40 seems awfully cheap for a whole back, doesn’t it?

Is there really anything else for me to say about this that I have not already said? Please refer back to this post and this post to hear my opinion of hairy backs.

That should do it. Enjoy the rest of the holiday weekend.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 28, 2010 · 8:00 pm

The Colonoscopy: A recap in 3 acts

Act One: Scheduling the appointment

Me: Hello, I would like to schedule an appointment for my colonoscopy.

Receptionist: Oh, we have an opening on the 28th at noon.

Me: (thinking ‘an opening’ was a poor choice of words) I will take it.

Understanding that this was the Friday of a holiday weekend I figured it would be a good day to take off, and I jumped at the idea of the weight loss.

Yes I am extremely shallow.

Act Two: The pre-prep (I will spare you the actual prep because I am classier than that)

Me: What flavor Gatorade should I mix the Miralax with?

Danny: Yellow

Gary: Yellow

Jana: Yellow

I bought grape.

Oh, and yellow – I am not an idiot! I did the taste test and under the advisement of Jana’s boyfriend decided on yellow because he said I would get sick of the grape after the second glass.

Jana: OMG you are mixing that ENTIRE bottle of Miralax* into that Gatorade, that is like a month’s worth!

Me: Yeh, I know. I thought that is why you were going to stay at Corey’s house for the night.

You will be happy to know that after I fasted for 24 hours and had been starving for a day Gary came home and made himself probably the most delicious smelling omelette ever made on the face of this earth.

I asked him why he didn’t bake a chocolate cake right after that too.

* I would like to mention that on the side of the Miralax package it states that your stool may become soft and runny… um is that not the point of a laxative?

Act Three: Phone call with a friend after the colonoscopy was finished

Friend: How are you feeling?

Me: Not bad, actually. It was just like any other Friday at work except this time I was sedated before I got reamed up the ass.

Friend: I guess I should tell you my daughter is in the car and I am on speakerphone (note: daughter is in college)

Me: Well, now is as good a time as any for her to hear about the real world.

Daughter: Thanks Amy, I really appreciate that.

 

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 18, 2010 · 9:36 pm

Sarcasm Meter?

Credit: dictionary.com

It seems from now on I can have a full and meaningful relationship with a computer. Everyone knows that my personality is lost on anyone without a true appreciation for sarcasm. It is amazing that my computer and I have had a relationship that has lasted this long.

According to this article on POPSCI.com SASI, a Semi-supervised Algorithm for Sarcasm Identification, can recognize sarcastic sentences in product reviews online with pretty astounding 77 percent precision.

Ok, so what they are saying now is that first there was voice recognition and now there is wise-ass recognition. I am trying to think of the real world need for this. Apparently this will help shopping sites make better recommendations based on the knowledge that when you say that a product sucks eggs you did not actually mean it was a vacuum cleaner for cleaning up a dropped carton of said eggs. It will actually get the yolk. (oh, jeez, sorry for that one) Or as those crazy kids at Popsci said “This isn’t all just so your Roomba gets the joke when you tell it it sucks.”  (apparently everyone is a comedian today).

Is everything about algorithms now? What happened to eye contact and intuitive behavior? Oh right, now there’s an app for that.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 13, 2010 · 8:41 am

I Could Cry Turns 2!

Yes folks, today is my second blogaversary. A lot of celebrations in this house this week.

It all started with this description and this post about Spanx, Dunkin Donuts and the Fear of YouTube. Not gonna lie, that still makes me laugh and I worry that I won’t ever be that funny again.

Uh oh, you are thinking. This blog is now entering the Terrible Twos, what will this crazy old hag come up with next? Don’t worry. It will probably more of the same. Where else can you read about everything from the sublime to the absurd with a few tears every Tuesday thrown in for good measure?

The thing is, this blog – and all of you – have become so much a part of my daily life that I can’t quite imagine what I would do with all this stuff if I did not put it here. And when I go to Florida for the second time in one month and receive countless emails asking if everything is OK with our parents I realize that ‘my crazy satanic blog friends’, as Gary would call them, have added richness to my life and many have become good friends in real life.

So, no shot I am closing this baby down just yet.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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May 11, 2010 · 10:17 pm

I just think monsters are so interesting

This is one of my favorite Bugs Bunny cartoons of all times.

And if you ever sleep over my house (no this is not an open invite) you might hear me quote the title of this post when I emerge from brushing my teeth first thing in the morning. I have extremely thick hair, and for some reason after a night’s sleep it has a tendency to take on the shape of the monster’s head.

Ok, not really sure why I shared that one, but hey, I know Jeanne is going to love this post because it was her favorite Bugs Bunny too (AND she has seen my hair like that but was too polite to mention it).

UPDATE: Could not resist kiddies. Since there are so many of you that seem to love this one (even quoting lines, Celia, very impressive). Enjoy Everyone!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 27, 2010 · 9:18 pm

My fibroid history and targeted advertising

Arghh! You are saying. (exactly how do you pronounce arghh?) Do we really need to know about her friggin’ fibroid history? Do we really care about the dirty little details of her aging reproductive tract?

Actually, no you don’t. But apparently facebook did because they saw it fit to target me with this ad for a fibroid clinical trial.

Do I have fibroids? Not anymore because I had those babies yanked out about 4 years ago with my uterus if you really must know. (oh jeez, is there no end to this level of discomfort?) Good news: I can wear white pants whenever I want. I digress.

The question is, did facebook’s magic algorithm figure to target me with a fibroid trial because of my age, or because fibroids have been mentioned more than once on this very blog? (this blog is listed in networked blogs on facebook)

One will never really know the answer to that or the other mind-boggling questions of the universe. But it is safe to say either one or both of those could have gotten that ad on my page.

The reason I have chosen to share all this with you now is that it comes at such a timely juncture in our online lives; in a week where facebook’s ‘invasion’ of our privacy has been questioned ad nauseum. Users are in an uproar about how much of their profile information will be shared.

Well, the reality is kiddies, the info is out there for the taking. Not just on facebook, but all over the web. This article by Micheal Bush in Ad Age illustrates quite well how a digital profile can be gathered without much effort. Public information, as they say. Creepy, on some level but really who cares?

What are we afraid of? Well, me? I am not afraid of a whole hell of a lot. I don’t want to have my identity stolen and I don’t want to be stalked by creeps in real life. I agree with Micheal Bush, I don’t think that is the goal of marketers. Their goal is to reach their target market; the very people that are most likely to be their customers. To me, that’s not so terrible. Because if I had a facebook ad for string bikinis on my page I would only become depressed that my fibroid/uterus free body has no business squeezing into one. Or if you would be more mundane, I would not like to see ads for diapers.

I am both too old and thankfully too young to be buying any kind of diapers real soon.

Do you get where I am going with this? Does the fact that I have been in the business of marketing brands for the past (never mind how many) years taint my opinion? Maybe. Does my love (read obsession) for social media further color my feeling about this? Hell yeh.

Personally, I sort of think it is worth it to give up a little false sense of privacy to have the access to this kind of information. On a serious note, when I was trying to decide what to do about those damn fibroids, I would have welcomed the information that ad was offering me. (instead of torturing poor Dr. Judy for weeks about what I should do. Thanks again Jude, I will never forget your patience, I owe you a drink)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 25, 2010 · 9:54 pm

I heart my WHAT gum?

This one gets the MFTA tag because I was waiting on line to pay at a store today and was called over to the cashier on the completely opposite side of the counter from where I was standing. Why? Because in the ‘impulse buy’ rack at that counter would be the very last pack of…

I heart my penis gum. It was fate!

Yep, kiddies, this little package is the real deal. It contains ‘8 pieces of artificially flavored fruit chewing gum’ (why fruit?)

I told the cashier that I would have bought 10 packs if they had them and she told me they can’t keep this stocked. Seriously, is there a guy you know that you COULDN’T by this for?

You know how they all feel about them. And then there are the guys that refer to their penises as ‘the little guy’ or ‘little ____ (fill in their name in the blank)‘, ‘or he’ as in ‘he wants ____ (again fill in the blank)‘ as if there is a separate brain sitting down there in their pants. (which I guess there is).

No, guys, this is not a penis bashing post, you have to admit there is truth in all this. And do you really think you would ever see ‘I love my Vagina’ gum for sale. I think not. Maybe Gary can market the ‘I love my Hey-Nanny-Nanny gum, though.

Ok, so perhaps most men would prefer us to give them the ‘I love your penis’ but somehow I don’t think it would be as big a seller.

This is equally as entertaining as the Sexlet gum I found in South Beach and the Does this gum make my ass look big gum that I received as a gift.

I guess you could say I am the Magnet for the Absurd Gum (MFTAG).


Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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April 6, 2010 · 5:09 pm

Yarmulkap. Or should it be the Yidlid?


This one comes to you from Rochelle, via her son. Thanks Ro. For those who keep asking, “Do people send you crazy stuff?” the answer would be a big fat yes. I am truly becoming the Magnet for the Absurd.

So, let’s take a look at this item. It is actually called the Yarmulkap but I am not thrilled with the name. It is one of those awkward contractions that doesn’t roll off the tongue. Now Yidlid, that has a real marketing twist, don’t you think?

This item is marketed as a combination Yamulka and a visor. For those not of the tribe the L is silent and for those really not of the tribe, this is the name for a skullcap for Jews, also known as a kippah.

Enough of the lesson in Jewish customs, I am a bit curious how the inventor of this sucker came up with this. What? A day in the park and he was wearing a baseball cap over his kippah and his head got hot? Check out this picture from the website. Love the Brooklyn Bridge. I mean, let’s face it, big concentration of observant Jews in Brooklyn, this shot could be very relatable for them, no?

Would you take a look at this for a moment and give some serious thought about how many of these will ever actually be sold? Let’s say that there are 6,489,000 in the US as of 2008 according to the US census bureau. I have to believe that there are a good chunk that don’t observe at all. Then you have Reform and Conservative, most of whom are not regular wearers of kippot (plural of kippah). Then you have to account for the kippah wearing population that will think that this item is completely RIDICUOUS because, well because it is.

So I am thinking a few hundred as gag gifts at best. What do you think?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 24, 2010 · 9:21 pm

No, this is not my truck

But whoever was driving it is surely a kindred spirit. A big thank you to Gary for taking this picture for me. If you did not read last week’s post about my experience on the Cross Bronx Expressway you cannot fully appreciate why this is so funny.

Although on it’s own it is pretty damn funny.

I particularly like the steaming illustration. My brother should love this!

Hmmm, I wonder where I can buy this bumper sticker. It would make such a lovely gift. Silly me, all you have to do is google it… if you are interested, you can buy it here.

Wait you guys, I don’t want to wake up and come outside to find this on my bumper, ok? Just want to make that clear.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 23, 2010 · 6:01 pm

How Will I Look Old?

Seems that facebook ads have become a new sport here at i could cry. This one is about as scary as they come. Well maybe not as scary as the Elvis Chihuahua, but close.

So let me get this one straight, I should not be SCARED of getting OLD. Ok, so then why are both those words in ominous looking all caps. AND I can not only see how I look old, but I can do this to my friends too?!

Well that might have some appeal to it.

Hey guys, look, I am a way better looking crazy old hag than you are. I am thinking if I did this to the First Thursdays and showed up with prints at dinner you would hear that collective scream around the world.

Oh my, I can even choose my age and try it FREE. And someone would pay for this why?

Correct me if I am wrong but don’t most women my age go into a plastic surgeon’s office and have this type of computer simulation done to show them how they will look YOUNGER? Not sure why we would want to peek any further down the back nine with this application.

Yeh, I think I will keep that little nightmare under wraps and wait for the real thing to gradually creep up on me, then I might not notice as much.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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