Category Archives: absurdities

October 30, 2009 · 9:17 pm

Handerpants

mfta approved

This post is MFTA approved!

A big thank you to my friend J. from J-Two-O, who sent me this today.

I am almost speechless. I said ALMOST. You know I can not shut up when I see stuff like this.

This is one of those products that I wish I had invented. It is so incredibly silly that I will laugh every time I see it. And the commercial is perfection. Please watch it:

I have been walking around the house bellowing “Handerpants, Handerpants, HANDERPANTS!” to the point where I am sure my family is ready to kill me. (no, it is not all fun, games and dildos in this house).

I suppose I can truly relate to these because he called me out on three of my main core competencies. No, I am not a Narwhal Aficionado, but after I google narwhal perhaps I might be. And I do know that they have a Narwhal Aficionado Facebook group with 68 kinda have nothing else to do members.

I digress, the groups I fall under in the commercial are Graphic Designers, Night Bloggers (duh) and Twitterers. Oh and I might, at some times of the month, be considered a Mutation.

A few other favorites: Ninjas with Delicate Hands, (or those who use Kiehls products), Dungaree inspectors (translation for anyone under 45, that would be jeans), Cryptozoologists (google that one yourself), Wall Street Tycoons (not your most popular crowd these days) and Hobos (x-Wall Street Tycoons).

Honestly, I think I might have to buy a few pair of these tighty whiteys for my digits. They are just too great to pass up.

I found out they are sold by my friends at Archie McPhee who were so kind as to send me a wonderful package the last time I blogged about their products: The Evolving Darwin Playset and The Flesh Eating Zombie Playset. Hey guys, I don’t mean to be pigish but I fit 3 of your profiles for this product, perhaps a pair or two and I promise to write about them again! And wear them to functions and take pictures!

Yes, I am a blog whore for a pair of Handerpants!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 29, 2009 · 6:04 pm

Pet Chauffeur

pet-chauffer

Driving home from the city the other day we spotted this vehicle. I snapped a quick shot that I was not thrilled with and then tortured asked Gary nicely to follow that car so I could get a better shot. Traffic was terrible and it did not happen, so this one will have to do.

Ok, so the economy is terrible, right? People are tightening their belts and trying to get a handle on spending only what it is truly necessary.

Define necessary.

For some that would be paying someone to DRIVE THEIR PETS AROUND!

Ok, maybe I am being a bit judgmental, but I just don’t see how this one can be justified. Not wanting to destroy this business that I am sure someone worked very hard to build, but the idea of not being able to drive your own pet is a bit much, no?

Ok, so wanting to give them the benefit of providing a necessary service I checked them out here. My first thought is, hey guys, with this kind of luxury service to a market that surely has lots of cash, how about a nicely designed website. You could certainly use a little help.

So I read a little bit and thought, hey, nothing like a biz model that preys on the inadequacies of the rich. I am going to go out on a limb and do a complete 360 with my opinion on this baby. Go for it guys. And honestly, you had me with the 3-point doggie seatbelts and the pet stretchers for emergencies.

Good luck to you and as far as I am concerned, if you are still picking up pets the economy has to be picking up as well.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 28, 2009 · 7:39 pm

Zaidie was right!

steely_dan-can_t_buy_a_thrill-big

I have been sitting on this story for the past few days wondering if it was a good idea to share with you all how crazy my family truly is. And then I figured if I have not scared you off yet, this one will entertain you.

The players:

Gram: my mom

Zaidie: my dad

Danny: my son

Gary: my husband

Me: me

(phone rings)

Me: Hello

Gram: Hi. Hey do you know what Steely Dan is.

Me: Sure, mom, it’s a band

Gram: No, I know it is a band. We were just listening to them. But do you know where the name came from.

Me: Um, no. Gary, do you know where the name Steely Dan came from?

Gary: (funny grin, then makes the universal hand signal for a boner)

Me: Really?! Ok, mom, Gary says it’s a boner.

Gram: A boner, nope. Dad said it is a metal dildo.

Ok, so let me interject here for a minute. My mom is 78! And she has always been rather proper. So I am going to say it is a safe bet that I have never heard her say ‘dildo’ before. Surely not ‘metal dildo’ (ouch, BTW)

Danny: (from downstairs) WHAT are you guys talking about?!

Me: Zaidie says that a Steely Dan is a metal dildo but Dad says it is a boner.

Danny: Oh Jeez!

Me: Danny, can you google it please.

a moment passes and then…

Danny: Hey Zaidie was right, it is a metal dildo. Sometimes 2-headed. Ew, I cannot believe I am having this conversation with my parents and grandparents (I believe that was paraphrased)

Seriously, don’t you think that hearing your 17-year-old son say, “Zaidie was right, it’s a metal dildo.” is somehow crossing the line?

Yeh, well, it will all come out on the couch.

FYI, here are may favorite definitions from urbandictionary. com:

1) proper name of a steam powered dildo from the novel Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs.

STEAM POWERED?!! ouch! and this one:

2) A Massive Metal dildo, sometimes double-headed.

Yeh, well that will surely fuel a nice little therapy session for my son in his future.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 27, 2009 · 10:29 pm

Jesus sells

Back in February I posted about Jesus Toast tattoos with a poll asking if people found this disrespectful, evangelical, Kinda Cool or other. Kind Cool won out at 61%. I am beginning to wonder if humor in religion is acceptable, or just amongst my readers. Never wanting to offend (ok, maybe that is a stretch) please take this post with a grain of salt.

These 2 photos were sent to me by a friend/reader who considers herself MFTA by proxy. She has also brought me the magnificent Butt Paste shot.

I love this first one:

jesus-shaves

This Jesus Shaves mug is heat activated. Pour in hot water and his beard disappears. These types of mugs have been around the ad specialty world for awhile. This is, by far, the best application I have seen. If you would like to purchase it you can do so here (no affiliation, just love the product).

While checking out a place to buy this I found Jeez-its on the same site. This one killed me as we had a crazy conversation one night at a birthday celebration about Cheez-Its vs. Jesus. This would have made a great party favor.

Next item is also quite wonderful.

ww-jesus-wear

What Would Jesus Wear magnetic wardrobe. Oh my, I would love to dress him in the tie dye number! You can buy this item here.(again, no affiliation)

Now, here I might be treading on being a little disrespectful, but hey, I am just a documenting. I took this shot in the LIC subway station. Quite the message!

ww-jesus-do

I will end this ridiculous post with a message I received awhile back on twitter. I wrote about it before but the screen shot is priceless, albeit a touch creepy. Nonetheless, it is a perfect sign-off.

jesus-tweet

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 25, 2009 · 8:41 pm

The Burp Castle

burp_castle

File this one under, Only in NY!

I passed this today on a little family excursion through the East Village. Burp Castle, Temple of Beer Worship is located on East 7th Street between 2nd and Copper Square in case you want to visit. Not far from McSorley’s Old Ale House, this would make a nice beer tour if you are from out of town.

Not too sure about the Brewist Monks since 1022 a.d. but hey, it looks like a fun place.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visitLeaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 23, 2009 · 10:19 pm

Like a Sex Machine…

engrish-funny-sex-machine

This amazing photo is from the James Brown Memorial Steakhouse in Osaka via engrishfunny.com That is one James Brown sized piece of meat in that picture! With all the bad press surrounding his passing I though perhaps a little fond memory of The Godfather of Soul was in order today.

Amy and Gary trivia: We walked back down the aisle at our wedding after the ceremony to James Browns’ I Feel Good. (We thought Sex Machine was inappropriate – get up… get on up!).

Here’s a little James Brown to brighten up your day. I dare you to Feel Bad when you watch this baby. That jacket alone could make anyone happy! So Good!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visitLeaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 21, 2009 · 6:40 pm

Toilet Paper Advertising Smackdown

I must have died and gone to promotion heaven. For the second day this week a toilet paper brand is in the headlines. Yesterday I wrote about Cottonelle’s suggestion that maybe we were not wiping all that well. Today, thanks to my friend, Jessica Gottlieb, I found this Advertising Age article about Charmin’s latest PR program: enjoy the go.

charmin-enjoy-the-go

This one is sheer brilliance. Sorry Cottonelle, I remain brand loyal to Charmin and their program kicks ass… wipes.

A Help Wanted ad is a casting call for 5 bloggers to become Charmin Ambassadors. The job description and qualifications call for someone to greet and entertain bathroom guests at the Charmin Restrooms in Times Square and then blog about it. The job runs from November 23rd  through December 31st with a salary of $10,000. This should get around the new FTC blogger guidelines quite nicely.

This is my favorite line:

All candidates must really, really enjoy going to the bathroom.

Honestly, if you know me you also know there is NOBODY who enjoys going to the bathroom more than I do.

I know what you are all thinking, who better than the Magnet For the Absurd (MFTA) for this job. Yeh, well, maybe 20 years ago. But I think for now I will just be content to go down to the Hilton on November 5th with my camera and Flip. Every freak in NYC will be there for sure. I should be right at home.

Good ole Mr. Whipple must be spinning in his grave!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 20, 2009 · 7:53 pm

Wipes are Not Just for Baby Butts Anymore

toilet-paper

The scene: My breakfast table with a cup of coffee and the NYT business section (that I fought with Gary to keep, BTW)

The article: Adult Toilet Training, from Madison Ave.

I would like to dedicate this post to my family, especially my brother and nephews, because no one loves a good chat about the bathroom better than the ‘Z’ family.

Let’s see, where to start? Ok, how about a quick overview. This is an article about the marketing of none other than an item that is close to all our… well you get what I mean; toilet paper.

It appears that all these years of wiping our asses and we have not been doing it correctly. That’s right. You see, now they are marketing toilet paper along with moist flushable wipes. Yep, just like the ones we used to clean up junior with when s/he had a super-doody-blow-out. Apparently ‘dry paper’ just does not do the job it should. I would think this combo would be great for all you out there who feel compelled to shower after each dump. C’mon, you know who you are. Yes, you would be the ones jotting down the product name for the moist flushable wipes.

Now, here is a priceless quote straight from brand management:

“Dry toilet paper is generally thought of as being a functional product, and a lot of brands in the category talk about strength and softness,” said Courtney DeSalvatore, a brand manager for Cottonelle wipes. “But we are reframing the Cottonelle brand as a personal care brand, which is a much more emotional space.”

Oh yeh, now we’re talking. I don’t know about you but there is nothing more emotional than the space where I drop the kids off at the pool (that one was for my daughter). You’ve heard this famous quote before, right? “Crap to the point of tears.”

It gets better. Cottonelle has put up this snappy microsite cottonelleinstitute.com.  Actually, quite nicely excecuted if it were not so ridiculous. Kind of campy and beautifully designed. But do we really want to spend this much time thinking about the act of wiping? This surely rivals Bowling for Tampons. How’s this for a mission statement:

“At the Cottonelle Institute of Sensitive Skin Care, we believe that the gentle care you give to the rest of your sensitive parts should also go to your buns.”

Um, well, yeh, I guess they are right.

You can set up a sensitivity profile and they direct you to the right kind of toilet paper or wipes to use. No really. I’m not kidding. You may also want to check out The Lounge ‘where you can relax, play games and let your caboose loose’.

Wait, wouldn’t a loose caboose require additional wiping?

I can not help but think of the South Park Chipolte Away episode I saw recently. That link is worth a click. Gary and I were dying when we watched that episode.

Here is one last thought I have on this topic. Of all the crap I read this morning in the business section, this was by far the most useful. (sorry, cheap shot)

Now you will excuse me but I think I need to go…

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 15, 2009 · 11:12 pm

Hot Nuts

hot-nuts

Hot Nuts. Anyone else find this funny? Please don’t confuse these with Dave’s Burning Nuts, which quite frankly sound pretty scary to me. As the website says, ” Everyone is talking about Dave’s nuts!” Oh boy, I think I will leave it at that. (poor Dave, burning nuts AND everyone is talking about them).

Honey, when you are at the supermarket can you pick me up a bag of Hot Nuts?

Yum, I can’t wait to sit me down to watch some TV and put my hand into a big bag of Hot Nuts.

It might be cold outside, but I have some Hot Nuts!

I could go on forever. They surely must have had a lot of fun naming this one.

A little research and I found out that in February 1994, Food & Beverage Marketing named these “The greatest snack food item ever devised by mankind…”

Tall order, but hey, seriously, who doesn’t like the idea of Hot Nuts?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visitLeaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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October 14, 2009 · 8:27 pm

Snow Bird…

snow-bird-sex-drive

Snow Bird.

Sex Drive.

Sex Drive.

I believe the missing license plate in that sequence would be:

Cialis*

I found the juxtaposition of these quite funny. Even funnier, the fact that Sex Drive had to be repeated. Was it for reasons of hearing, eyesight or poor memory?

*if you have an erection for more than 4 hours, call your doctor (favorite disclaimer/tagline of all times).

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visitLeaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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