Category Archives: absurdities

Merry Overkill

I never quite understand what drives a homeowner to go these extremes to decorate for the holidays. Personally, I subscribe to the school of less is more. I cannot even imagine their electric bill at the end of the month!

It is hard to get the true feeling of this home as it sat on a very small piece of property. To the right, cropped out of this shot, was a carport with a host of inflatables atop its roof. Snowglobes and reindeer and all sorts of Santa apparitions.

I am not a fan of the inflatables. Seems lately those who like them put them up for every holiday. Their basements must look like the Macy’s parade warehouse. I particularly hate the ones that take a religious scene and try to render them in blow up materials. There is a manger scene in my neighborhood that looks like Alvin and the Chipmunks and I have a sneaking suspicion that was not intentional.

We stumbled upon the house above by accident last night and all we could think of was what was going to happen to all those decorations in the high winds and heavy rain that was coming today.

If it was not so far away I would have done a drive by for another shot. I suppose that would be a little too mean spirited, but think about how funny that decoration battlefield might have looked.


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Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, holidays, homeowner, humor

Body Man Needed

Now, here is a creative alternative to all those impersonal dating sites. Why not just hang a sign on the fence in front of your house with a simple statement of qualifications?

Note this body man was not ‘wanted’, he was ‘needed’.

 

 

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Filed under absurdities, carry a camera, humor, signage

Those Crazy Sconnies

Having two kids in Wisconsin I am always on the lookout for interesting Wisco news. I was scrolling through twitter tonight looking for blog fodder and @tsand did not disappoint. I can always count on him to point out the more outrageous things going on in the world. Certainly in Wisconsin!

It seems a 57-year-old woman bit her 79-year-old husband’s tongue off during a kiss, then went outside to sing Christmas carols and blow a New Year’s horn. Fa-la-ooo-la-la! This babe is one wacky Sconnie!

She is being charged with felony mayhem. Felony Mayhem?! WTF, I love that charge. I want to know what other sort of thing falls into that category. Ok, so I could not resist a little googling around for the definition. Here is my favorite definition from The Free Dictionary:

Noun 1. mayhem – the willful and unlawful infliction of injury upon a person, esp (formerly) the injuring or removing of a limb rendering him less capable of defending himself against attack. Crippling, disfigurement, or mutilation of another.

Certainly incapable of defending himself in an argument at this point. Poor guy.

The victim said his wife had been acting strangely in recent days.

Ya think!!

I am still wondering how he could tell them that without his tongue.

Just another Bobbit-esque crime of passion, I suppose. Only milder. Lest we not forget this other famous Sconnie story where the scorned wife Crazy Glued her hubby’s member to his stomach. Do you think she was acting strange the few days before that?

Can’t make this stuff up.

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Filed under absurdities, humor, magnet for the absurd, wisconsin

Insomnomaniac

What do you do when you can’t sleep? When I can’t, I make up words and submit them to Urban Dictionary. Last month I tried to get Turkaphobia approved, but they denied it. My definition was ‘fear of cooking the Thanksgiving turkey’, which I happily overcame. I am guessing it had something to do with not being politically correct.

No not towards turkeys, but towards the country.

I am happy to report that this month’s submission – insomnomaniac – has been approved. I am not so happy to report that there is a typo in the sentence that I used in the example where ‘an’ is featured as ‘and’.

For those who can not read the picture above the definition is:

One who can’t sleep and becomes obsessed with late night activities.

Define obsessed.

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Tandem Colonsocopy

I get a close marriage. I am touched by a couple that wants to share everything. But a colonoscopy day? Hmmmm… not so much.

I bring this up because I have some friends (who will go unnamed so unless you were in the room don’t even try to ask who) that decided to book their colonoscopies on the same day. The sentiment was to be miserable together so neither one could really complain all that much and to get it over with together.

Isn’t half the fun of a colonoscopy the complaining. Oh right, now the fun is all in crapping your brains out, I forgot, forgive me. If you recall I did a very extensive blog post on my first colonoscopy

Sorry, this is just a little too much togetherness for me. And who gets the better bathroom?

Let’s put this out for a vote:

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Filed under absurdities, health

Monkey Feet

Can you pick up a beer bottle with your toes? No? Well then you do not have monkey feet.

My son, on the other hand, was able to pick up that bottle with his lengthy digits with great ease. (no, he could not bring the bottle to his lips, that would make him double jointed).

Please do not underestimate this great talent. At the very least I am sure he is eligible for Letterman’s Stupid Human Tricks. Like all idiotic parents of our generation, we like to encourage what makes our children unique. You know, ‘we all have talents…blah, blah, blah’. I am surprised he was not trophied for this as a young boy.

It is amazing how long those toes are. His big toe actually looks like my thumb! It is uncanny.

Moral of the story: never dare an 18-year-old to do anything; chances are he will find a way to do it.

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Filed under absurdities, body image, carry a camera, danny, family, humor, magnet for the absurd

Expiration dates

Is it bad that I had a 5-pack of zinc oxide in my closet with an expiration date of 1997? Oh, how I wish i was making this up.

You see, here’s the thing; It’s not like I have not cleaned that closet out in the past 13 years, it would simply appear that I do more organizing than actual cleaning. You might wonder why I would have a 5-pack of zinc oxide back in mid-90s. Well, do the math. Young Danny had his butt in a diaper in the early 90s, so I would imagine it took quite a few years for that stuff to expire. And my neighbor was a pharmacist… hence the 5-pack.

Being the weekend before Thanksgiving I have been obsessively nesting. Since my nephew – the expiration date Nazi – will be visiting, I kept going on the hunt for expired items in the kitchen and garage pantries.

Here is a brief list of the worst items I have found with their expiration dates: walnuts/2006, canned pineapple/2003, pumpkin pie mix/2005, assorted pudding mixes/2007-2009… should I go on? I think you get the idea.

Maybe I should put a challenge out there. Anyone able to beat the zinc oxide from 1997?

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Filed under absurdities, holidays

If I had eyes in the back of my head…

I would have told you that you looked good as you walked away. – Jack Johnson

Could good ole Jack have know about Wafaa Bilal, the NYU photography professor that is having a camera surgically implanted in the back of his head?  Yes, you read that correctly. Seems Mr. Bilal has been commissioned by the government of Qatar to partake in an art project called ‘The third I”. It is intended as “a comment on the inaccessibility of time, and the inability to capture memory and experience,” according to press materials from the museum. Um… ok.

The camera will take pictures at one-minute intervals and will stream to a computer database. It will appear in different sequences on monitors in an exhibit between December and May.

Anyone find this just a little too over the top. First of all, ouch! I mean how does one surgically implant a camera in the back of someone’s head? Apparently through a piercing device. Ouch, again. And really, what happens to this guy’s personal life? I can’t help but think that half the time there will be streaming video of his friggin’ pillow while he is sleeping. Then there are the hours that he is teaching when he promises to put a ‘lens cap’ over the camera. I am guessing that would cut into the hours too. What if he really boring and most of the images are of the wall in his apartment?

This guy is known for some wacky antics in the name of art. I suppose his thing is pushing the edge. I mean look at that expression in that picture… this guy has nut written all over him.

Hey, I am all for conceptual art. I love a good performance piece. I am a huge fan of streaming video. Hell, I watched the puppy cam for hours last year. But this one? The idea of the surgical implant is just a bit more than I am willing to accept.

Then again, what parent has not wished they had eyes in the back of their head? Who knows, we may see them recommended on cool mom picks next holiday season.

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Filed under absurdities, art, carry a camera, home video, photography

ITZMURDA I tell ya!

Haven’t posted a good license plate in awhile. This one popped up today while I was driving with my parents. My dad was very into helping me capture it and drove up nice and close. I love a family that supports my absurdities.

The best part is the bird dropping just below the wiper.

ITZMURDA. So what do you think this means? Do we have a gangsta on our hands? Or is this commentary on the daily grind?

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Booty Pop – When baby don’t have back

Yes folks, now you too can have that perfect booty. With Booty Pop. What are these, you ask? Well, they are the panties that make your booty pop.

And we want our booty pop because…

Oh right, I am not the demographic.

As they say on the website “Lose that boring backside. Get a Booty-licious booty in an instant?” Oh dear lord. Then what happens when he falls for your big ole backside and you slide those suckers off and he finds the only thing in your panties is that boring backside. So, these are actually butt falsies? What next?

These were found in the Bed Bath & Beyond sale rack. Thinking maybe the BBB shopper out looking for some cookware or maybe a bathroom hutch is not in the market for Booty Pop panties. But hey, you never know.

Makes a nice impulse buy item.

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Filed under absurdities, body image, humor, product reviews, products