February 19, 2013 · 10:18 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Family

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Are they, now?

Would you define a 15 day black out, allergic reaction to antibiotic, a BP fiasco with a trip to the ER, a couple of sinus infections, the loss of a dear friend, a hip replacement, shoulder surgery and a sprained ankle all in the course of 3 months… ‘well’?

How could this not make me laugh out loud in the middle of all these calamities? And of course the english as second language fortune is always a source of entertainment.

But you know, the fortune is not really wrong. With all the tough times we have had over the past few months, there has been so much to remind us that our family, in fact, ‘are’ incredibly well.

After a particularly stressful few weeks our doorbell rang with a delivery of chocolate strawberries from… our kids! With a note telling us that we have always been there for them and they hope that they had been there for us when things got rough. And they certainly had been. In a big way.

Yeh, our family are well.

With two trips to Florida to help my parents through their rough times, I spent more time with my brother than I have in years. And even in the most stressful of times, through all the tough decisions and insane logistics, we kept our humor and enjoyed each other’s company. And I think it is safe to say that even though the circumstances sucked, neither one of us can deny how special it was to have that time together.

Yeh, our family are well.

With all their troubles, and they have had many over the last 10 years, my parents have both come through their latest surgeries with the kind of courage and fortitude that leaves me in awe of how tough they really are. They don’t complain, they work hard to get to where they need to be, and they never stop letting us know how loved and appreciated we are. It is truly an honor to be their daughter, and to be able to help them in their time of need.

Yeh, our family are well indeed.

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February 17, 2013 · 8:41 pm

Why the Pope Quit

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My son is studying abroad this semester in Spain.

Last weekend he went to visit a bunch of his HS and college friends in Rome.

The following day the Pope resigned. This hasn’t happened in almost 600 years…

Just saying.

 

 

 

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January 23, 2013 · 1:00 am

Siri

UnknownI don’t know about you, but Siri is the bane of my existence. I have tried to like the bitch, but she taunts me to no end.

I have been driving in my car and found myself screaming at her that she sucks. Yes, I scream at the phone.

Me: Siri, YOU SUCK!

Siri: That doesn’t sound good.

You’re damn straight it doesn’t sound good! I am convinced she is both deaf and slightly brain damaged. And a little passive aggressive, now that I think about it.

So I say it again (I swear this is for real)

Me: Siri, you SUCK!

and her response?

Siri: I would rather you didn’t.

Apparently she never got the ‘a little head would be nice’ memo.

Gary just got an iPhone and I was showing him how to voice text. He was pouring syrup into a pitcher for breakfast and I saw we were running low, so I voice texted him:

Me: Siri, message Gary “We need more syrup”

Siri (to Gary): Gary we need more Siri.

He looked at me and I said, “See, I told you she was self-involved.”

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January 21, 2013 · 10:57 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – As Long as You’ve Got Your Health

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My nana used to say this all the time. As would be fitting for a young person I used to smile sweetly in response and go about my business without giving it much thought. I mean, older people said stuff like this all the time, right?

In the last almost 3 months I have thought about this often and I am pretty sure Nana is waving that perfectly manicured finger at me from wherever she is. I can just about hear her signature, ‘Now, Amy Dear… I TOLD you!”, echoing in my head. (For a while I was convinced she thought Dear was my middle name).

For those who were regular readers, you have noticed – and complained I might add, in an endearing way – about my sparse postings. I am working on getting back here, but it seems I am a rolling series of calamities waiting to happen.

Not wanting to bore you with the blow by blow details, let’s just say I have run the gamut. I have decided that rather than bitch about it I will try to point out the humor in what I hope is the tail end of this run.

  1. After 2 rounds of sinus infections and countless antibiotics, I finally felt as if I could breathe clearly again and all was good with the world. That is when while making the bed, the dog decided to ‘help’ and popped me so hard in the nose I almost passed out. As I ran to the bathroom, bleeding profusely, it occurred to me I had never known what is was like to take a hit to the face. It sucks, btw. And breathing… not going to lie, it’s not so great.
  2. If you remember, I had a little ‘mishap’ with my blood pressure and they changed my meds. All was good with the world till…. I looked down to find my Aunt Bessie’s ankle on the end of my right foot. Yeh, that’s right, I was pretty much in the market for support hose and a hairnet. (BTW, I am unsure whether I had an Aunt Bessie or if she had swollen ankles but it makes the story better so go with it). I called the doc, he changed my meds, the ankle started to go down, I tossed the hairnet and all was good with the world. Until…
  3. I slipped on some towels and fell down the stairs carrying 2 laundry baskets and sprained the same friggin’ ankle! Yeh, that’s right, the one I was supposed to watch for swelling to make sure the new meds were working right! I was, however, wearing shorts and sneakers getting ready to go on the elliptical, so I am deeming this a sports injury. (Please give me this one)

The moral of this story? Jewish girls should not do laundry? Dogs should not make the bed? Nope.

The moral of this story is that Nana was right!

So if you happen to see me gimping down the street, be kind. Offer me a little bubble plastic. Or maybe a helmet. And remember:

As long as you’ve got your health…

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January 14, 2013 · 11:53 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – Letting Go, Global Version

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As a parent, every few years you are faced with another rite of passage, another adventure your child is about to embark on, another chance for you to show your chops as a parent. Although your heart is hanging on to the hem of their pants as they walk through that door, your head is ready to let them fly…

again.

The last time I wrote one of these my boy was off to college. Seems like yesterday, yet here we, are 3 and half years later and he is off for a semester abroad in Seville, Spain. I thought now would be a good time to give him one of my famous lists of advice. I do this every so often to remind him, or more likely myself, that I am not quite through imparting wisdom just yet. If I write it here instead of tell him all this to his face, I spare myself the humiliation of the sighing and eye-rolling. So here goes, in no particular order.

  1. Don’t be THAT American. This is similar to what I told my kids when they were first starting to experiment with drinking. Don’t be THAT girl/guy, the one that gets wasted and pukes on themselves. Don’t be THAT American simply means respect the local culture.
  2. Try to really SEE Europe, don’t just drink Europe. This is obvious to me and quite ridiculous to him. Hopefully somewhere in between will be his reality.
  3. Keep your eyes open and soak in everything. You never know what might wind up being the answer to what you want to do with your life.
  4. Be Smart. If it feels wrong, it probably is. If it seems unsafe, it probably is.
  5. Eat Everything, within reason. No explanation needed.
  6. Don’t be a dick (not that you ever would be). Again, the international version. This is like number 1 on steroids. Check the ego at the door and you might as well leave the egocentric there to keep it company.
  7. If you have to play beer pong, make sure you win the 100 Euro. Self-explanatory.
  8. Amsterdam – you MUST see the Anne Frank House. As Jana said, as a Jew it is your responsibility. Period.
  9. The rest of your time in Amsterdam. I do not need details, thanks.
  10. Have the time of your life. This one should be easy.

In all seriousness, you are an amazing young man and have always made us proud. We have no real worries about this trip. We are just a more than a little jealous.

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January 13, 2013 · 11:20 pm

Mom Fail

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Packaging. It can be so deceiving. At first glance the red and white box simply seemed to be the inhaler I had just picked up from the pharmacy, so it went in the ‘to pack’ pile for my son’s semester abroad.

Ok, so it was the dog’s ear drops instead. Hey, she never let’s me get near her with them, anyway. Someone might as well use them.

I know, a wheezing American in Spain would probably not have seen the humor in that.

Mom fail or honest mistake?

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December 11, 2012 · 11:09 pm

Cat Butt Gum

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Is it really necessary for me to write about this? Was the snapping of the shot not enough commentary?

I will leave but one comment here:

Is anyone else disturbed by the level of detail in the rendering of the feline anus on this package?

Yeh, I thought so.

 

 

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December 11, 2012 · 12:50 am

Time to Cry Tuesday – ER, ER, Ow!

photo

Did this translate. You know, like EI EI OH. Ok, sort of weak. Cut me some slack, that was ME in the ER for 21 friggin’ hours last week.

Ok, a blanket I am so very sorry to everyone I did not call and tell this personally to. Again, a little slack for the woman who spent all that time in the theatre of the absurd. You know, the one with the black and blue arms from the 2 IVs and 3 blood draws.

The short story is that my usually managed high blood pressure decided to fall off that wagon and wreak havoc with my system. I was addressing it outpatient with docs but around 8PM on Thursday I was deemed unfit for my own bed and sent off to the ER with chest pains and a blazing headache.

Yes, I thought I was perhaps stroking out or having a heart attack.

No, I did not.

Yes, I was scared to death but kept my cool. (poor choice of words) I do not admit that often (refer back to high blood pressure and lack of losing it).

Keep in mind I live 5 minutes from a premiere heart hospital. My doc is the head of cardiology there. I had all the confidence in the world that I would get the best of care.

Perhaps in an alternate universe.

You see I suffered the misfortune of not only showing up the first week the new ER opened, but 5 days after they instituted their brand new computer system. The place was a sea of purple scrubs… designated tech help. Every task came with it a learning curve that made each thing take 10x longer to complete. This clusterfuck of a night left me waiting in the ER waiting room for 4 HOURS! With another hour and half after I got in to see a doc.

Did I mention the migraine headache and chest pains?

Yeh, ridiculous. Think of this as the healthcare version of the Magnet for the Absurd.

Favorite lines of the evening:

ER Doc: Mrs. Levinson we take chest pain very seriously.

Me: Really? Does 4 hours in the waiting room and 1.5 hours before you got to my bed constitute serious? (Just a tip, in ER time I will be there in 10 minutes means 1 hour.)

Nurse: Sorry, we are delayed on your cardiac CT because we need to run a pregnancy test.

Me: Really? Does that fancy computer not get the correlation between a hysterectomy and the inability to be pregnant?

X-Ray Tech: Is there any chance you could be pregnant?

Me: Does nobody read the patient charts?

CT Tech: Ok, let’s see, no diabetes, no cancer, no depression, lost your uterus in a card game…

Me: Finally someone who reads the chart AND has a sense of humor. (He was the highlight of the experience)

It goes on an on. the CT staff telling me I must drink 8 glasses of water to clear the dye while the nurse instructs me no food or drink till the results are back. I get that. How about the massive headache that grew all day because…

that’s right, no food or drink till the results came back.

The entire experience was a comedy of errors. Right down to the hour and half it took after I was released for them to figure out how to get the computer to release me.

Visualize Gary with one of the tech people telling him he could not leave my nurse’s station until he saw a paper print out with my name on it.

The exact reasons I did not want to go to the ER were realized…

Times 10.

Anyone else want to share a good ER tale?

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December 5, 2012 · 11:32 pm

Floss over Fifty

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Floss for people over 50?! Really?! Please tell me who thought this was a good idea. Marketing a product that specifically targets an age group sitting snugly on the tail end of the baby boomers. You know us. We hardly see ourselves as grow ups, let alone ones with aging gums. What is the likelihood that you will find us buying old people’s floss? Pro health “for life”. You know, because dead people don’t floss all that much.

If my Facebook page is any kind of focus group, I am thinking this one is not going to be a big seller. Here are some comments after I posted this picture and mentioned I would be writing a blog post about it:

I won’t be able to read the blog. I will be experiencing dental conditions because I don’t have this floss.

This floss is for dentures!

As opposed to floss for death? Who flosses in heaven? Doesn’t heaven mean no cavities?

is the font bigger so we can read the label without our glasses?

And an all-time fave:

Maybe it’s dipped in laxatives, vitamins and anti depressants.

Followed by

They should just dip it in wine!

Still surprised that Dr. Jimmy has not weighed in.

Is it bad to admit that I saw this while picking up my blood pressure meds?

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December 4, 2012 · 10:47 pm

Fun With International Symbols

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I work long hours. My office is in the basement and every once in awhile you can find me laughing out loud down here. You know my motto, it is always good to find little things to amuse yourself.

Last night I was doing an image search for an infographic project and I needed to weed through pages of stock icon art. I almost passed this one by, but (no pun intended) the yellow struck me and I stopped. Then I tilted my head a bit and took another look. Was this what I thought it was? Um… yeh. The search term field had it spelled out loud and clear:

Rectal exam.

International symbol for rectal exam?! Well, I suppose this would come in handy in a foreign country. You know, when you are having some intestinal distress and taking over the counter meds doesn’t make as much sense as having a friggin’ rectal by someone who does not speak your language. Would this be off the street signage? Exactly where would we find this symbol?

I also came across this series:

stock-illustration-16750656-toilet-bathroom-pregnant-handicap-public-sign-icon

 

Not sure why mom/baby, wheel chair guy and trash man find their way to same page as pee boy and squatting pee boy (what the hell is that?) BTW, I believe the little squatter is wearing a shirt and no pants… wrong on all sorts of level. I love the legs up on the toilet guy. That would come in handy when illustrating a piece about perverts that hide in ladies rooms. Or my fave – the kneeling pucker, AKA the international symbol for  college freshman.

Anyone want to take a crack at the one next to pukey boy? Does that illustrate the pain one feels when trying to flush one’s foot down the toilet?

OK, I admit it. Sometimes my job is more fun than recreation. Sometimes my job IS recreation.

And seriously, who can pass up a little bathroom humor.

Thanks istockphoto, for an entertaining evening.

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