June 20, 2013 · 1:00 am

Anti-pervert Hairy Legs

anti-pervert-hairy-stockings-for-girls

It has been quite awhile since something made me laugh this hard. If you are my friend on facebook I apologize for the redundancy.

This little tidbit of hysteria comes from chinasmack.

These suckers are ‘full leg of hair stockings” and according to China’s microblogging service Sina Weibo, they are ‘essential for young girls going out.’

I am thinking these would look really hot with a pair of stilettos and a short skirt. I mean, why wear a pair of modest pants or maybe a long skirt when you can totally freak out every guy you come in contact with by wearing these?

Every dad’s dream, right? There is nothing that says I love you better than a gift of hairy leg stocks for daddy’s little girl.

Why do I feel I must own a pair of these? Oh right… Magnet for the Absurd.

You are all very welcome.

Yes, you can consider me fully back to blogging regularly with this post.

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June 19, 2013 · 1:00 am

Big 10 Mom

badgers tickets

Yes, that is my desk. Yes it was a Monday morning and I had plenty of work that had to be done. And yes, I really do have that many screens.

This Monday marked the 7th year in a row (one year being a double with 2 kids involved) that I have been in charge of making sure my little Badgers are able to get their season student football tickets. If you know anything about attending a Big 10 school, you know what serious business this is.

When my daughter first went to UW you had to Fed Ex in your forms. For some reason I missed the last pick up and a friend and I drove frantically through town chasing down the Fed Ex truck. (yes, I have friends who would do this with me)

Why, you ask, is this my responsibility and not theirs? Let’s see, for at least 6 of these 7 years at least one of them was a counselor in the Adirondacks with no cell service and no computers. (worth doing it to know they could actually unplug for the summer) And this year, young Daniel is a working stiff, riding the Long Island Railroad at the exact time that the tickets went on sale.

I am happy to report I am 8 for 8 on season tics for my kids.

Next June I will have that same bittersweet feeling about not having to do this as I had when I did not have any camp trunks scattered all over my living room the second week in June.

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June 18, 2013 · 10:04 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – An End

All BadAll bad things must come to an end? I will hold on to this thought. And although this is some cryptic graphic messaging for all you Breaking Bad fans out there, when I passed this on the street today I liked to think of it as my personal message from the universe.

Everyone gets their share of bad. Some of us are over-achievers and we get our ‘bad’ in big, fat, miserable prolonged, heavy doses. I call this getting your bad out of the way all at once – the bad-efficient lifestyle. When calamity seems to follow you around like a lost puppy you sort of get used to it. Hostage mentality.

But being a realistic optimist I am going to hold on to the the idea that ‘all bad things must come to an end.’

Eventually.

Till ‘the end’ shows its lovely little light at the end of the tunnel, I will keep looking for the signs.

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June 10, 2013 · 7:47 pm

Obviously Men Can’t Smell

nosefinger

Or, hey bud, your nose is more than just a place to keep your finger.

Monday 7:30 AM, returning home from an early morning dog walk.

Scene: 2o-year-old son at kitchen table in the ‘I will never get used waking up early and commuting’ intern stupor, hunched over a bowl of cereal praying no one will speak. Not just to him, but at all. Husband preparing to make a smoothie.

Me: Um… don’t you guys smell burning plastic?

Gary: No.

Danny: (silence, or at best an imperceptible grunt)

Me: Are you KIDDING me? (thinking about how the kitchen smelled oddly like we were manufacturing small plastic toys or making shrinky dinks.) Did anyone use the toaster oven or the micro this morning?

Gary: Not me.

Danny: (silence and fear that this line of questioning was not going to be short, only adding to his misery at an hour that is closer to his usual bedtime than one he has considered morning since high school)

Me: HELLOOO, no one smells this?! (now my eyes are starting to sting and the dog is coughing)

At this point I am somewhat convinced there is a direct correlation between possessing a penis and having no solid sense of smell. This realization, of course, comes from a woman who can smell an old sponge in your kitchen…

no matter how far away you live from here.

Gary: (opening the dishwasher) There you go!

And there, seared to the coil on the bottom of the dishwasher, sat the remains of a Tupperwear lid.

In red.

After using the requisite Jewish tool… the steak knife (which is an upgrade from the usual butter knife) we tossed around some brilliant ideas like using a razor blade and slicing the plastic off the coil, running another cycle to re-melt the sucker and peel it off while it is hot, or trying to ‘remove the coil’ ourselves.

Realizing that any of these would result in quadrupling the ultimate cost of the repair I called ‘my girls’ who always seem to have ‘a guy’ (why don’t I ever have a guy, I have lived her for 25 friggin years, I should have at least one guy).

Enter RALPH.

I love Ralph. He can actually smell. AND he can fix!

I love a problem I can fix. Or at least that Ralph can.

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May 5, 2013 · 10:35 pm

Who Writes This Crap

charmin

Pun intended.

‘We all go. Why not enjoy the go?’

Hey Charmin, what were you guys thinking?

I am in the business. I am fully aware of the countless taglines submitted, the late nights getting silly around a conference table laden with candy, the absurd options that come out of these sessions and the painful layers of approvals.

I cannot help but think this one was a joke that somehow slipped into the pile and someone who was running out to catch a plane or go to a kid’s soccer game signed off on it without thinking.

Because, you know, even those of us who ‘enjoy the go’ – and believe me, I am one of them – know that this is just too absurd to be real. If you must know, bathroom humor and discussion of toileting has always been a favorite topic in my family. The joke is that it only takes about 15 minutes when we are all together before the discussion turns to… going. So if anyone would be the market for this, it would be us. But it sort of falls flat for me.

Now don’t get me going on the ‘Ultra Suave’ subhead to Ultra Soft. (picturing a guy with an ascot sitting on the bowl practicing smooth pick up lines) *There is nothing like humor when you are your own target… it was just pointed out to me that Ultra Suave is the Spanish translation for Ultra Soft… damn, apparently I would have done poorly on that trip to Spain. Imagine the trouble I could have gotten myself into there.

I will give this brand credit for their ‘sitorsquat’ public restroom app. Although, if I am not mistaken, they stole this idea from George Castanza.

FYI, I am a loyal user of Charmin despite their silly taglines and even though I know it is bad for the environment. There are some places I will not sacrifice, and let’s face it, butt suave is where it’s at.

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April 25, 2013 · 12:00 am

Two dozen years of parenting

love-child

How can that be? One minute you are obsessing over nursery school and then you turn around and you have been at this for 24 years. And by some miracle you haven’t messed them up.

Yes, kiddies, today marks the 24th birthday of my girl. And oh what a difference a year makes. Since 23 she has found her dream job, moved into her own apartment and learned to balance a tight budget.

There is so much I can say about her, but mostly I want to thank her for being such a good sport about posing, for always being there to make me laugh and most of all for constantly reminding me why I was put on this earth.

To be a mom.

I love you Petuney; and I could not be any prouder of who you have become. May this be your best year ever!

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April 23, 2013 · 8:00 am

Bliss Fail. Dove Win.

Some days you see something that makes your blood boil. Then there are those days that something crosses your path that makes you think there are really smart people out there who get it.

This week I had both. I’ll start with the blood boiler. Waiting on line to pay at Sephora, I spotted this outrageous product line from Bliss. Fat Girl Sixpack?!! Are you kidding me?!

It made me sad because I happen to like this brand. I have been to their spas and bought some of their products. When they started, they were a brand that was focused on making women feel good, and good about themselves. They have lost their way.

fat-girl-sixpack

At first I thought it was some sort of joke, like an SNL skit. I want to know what product team thought this up and in what universe all the sign-offs required to launch a product allowed this to happen. It is 2013, kiddies. Are we still doing this crap? Ummm… I guess that would be a yes. On their site they state:

to sculpt a six-pack, you need to exercise and eat healthy —but to help you in your quest for a covetable core, we developed this tummy-toning gel.

SERIOUSLY?! Shame on you, Bliss. Perhaps you should read these statistics on eating disorders. Maybe if you thought about the up to 24 million people in the US suffering from eating disorders, you might reconsider this thinking.

This makes me sad. On a monumental level. Are we still doing this crap?!! (sorry, I know I said that already) But I have spent 24 years raising a fabulous daughter. One of the few of her generation who has a really great relationship with food (when did that term start) and a healthy body image. She eats well, works out and I trust she would be as disgusted by this as I am. I simply do not understand why a solid, popular women’s brand would market such a thing. And sadly, it is on the best-seller page of their site. I cannot imagine why a woman would purchase this. I thought we were done with this nonsense.

Which leads me to my favorite brand campaign and renewed faith in smart marketing. Dove. They have been continuously committed to women’s self esteem. They are working towards lifting women up. Their latest campaign is real, moving and the sort of thing that women in 2013 should expect. It focuses on the difference between the way we see ourselves, and the way others see us. I cannot count the times I have told beautiful friends who are beating themselves up about aging that I wished they could see themselves as others do. This campaign illustrates that sentiment perfectly. This is a brand I can respect. And, btw, one I have used for most of my life.

Watch this, feel good and don’t let Bliss bring you down. It seems the over 21 million people who viewed this video just might agree.

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April 22, 2013 · 11:09 am

A Situation, or Life with a Lab.

bone-in-toilet

Time: 6:45 am

Gary: Nooooo! Uch, now YOU get it.

Me: Ummm… you would be talking to who?

Gary: No, I am not kidding, you get it.

Me: (walking into the bathroom where I see both Gary and the Iko looking into the toilet) WAIT, I need to get a camera.

What, you thought I was going to stick my hand in the toilet to get that bone? Yeh, right! Yes, that is what that was, a bone. I have had people guess it was a sock and a condom. Seriously? A condom in my house? With my sans uterus, way past childbearing old arse?

Gary: She needs to get that out of the toilet. Go ahead Iko, you dropped it in there, now you get it out.

Iko: Gives the universal Lab look of ‘are you f’in kidding me’, turns around and walks out of the bathroom.

Me: Guess that leaves you, my sweet. Don’t worry, I just cleaned that toilet… um, when was that again.

He is hard pressed to believe I did not put the dog up to this… perhaps that will make him think next time he leaves the seat up ; )

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April 15, 2013 · 10:53 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – The Honoree

Before I begin this post I would like to show my respect for the people of Boston for suffering such a blow, and say that I am so very grateful that my Boston family and friends are safe. In respect for this tragedy, I will refrain from the all-too-popular opportunistic tragedy blogging.

fun-fabOk, I am sure she thought she would escape my sentimentality. No ad from me in the journal, no video appearance, no public speech… this chick thought she was home free.

Not on your life, sistah!

This past weekend a dear friend was honored by a wonderful organization; one I have been involved in since its inception. It is an org that is close to both our hearts. She was asked to be the honoree because anyone in their right mind could see the fundraising opp tattooed on her arse. She is completely uncomfortable being the center of attention, but agreed more to help raise the big bucks and make a difference, than for the personal glory.

Humility. A quality so rarely seen. Especially in someone who has done so much for so many. Selflessly. Charmingly. With grace and a spirit of nonchalance. As if we all do these things everyday. Never asking for credit – at times actually giving it to others. And with that crazy smile on her face and infectious spirit that sweeps you up in her whirling dervish of excitement to the point where you never dare to say no to her. Nor do you want to. She wisely picks and chooses the times that she will actually ask. But even when she doesn’t, you find yourself offering to help because she makes it so damn appealing.

I truly believe there is nothing she cannot make happen. And if there is, don’t tell her. Or me.

So here’s to you, my friend.  My heart was so full on Saturday night, seeing you finally get the recognition you deserve. Not because you asked for it.

But because you didn’t.

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April 14, 2013 · 10:43 pm

Tax Day

tax-day

 

Happy Tax Day! Contradiction in terms? Yeh, who is happy today besides the accountants who can finally have a weekend off again?

So, ya think this car is driven by an accountant? I thought so too. But I saw it in a parking lot at the mall on April 13th. What respectable accountant would be shopping with the looming deadline?

A retired one?

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