Tag Archives: home repair

Obviously Men Can’t Smell

nosefinger

Or, hey bud, your nose is more than just a place to keep your finger.

Monday 7:30 AM, returning home from an early morning dog walk.

Scene: 2o-year-old son at kitchen table in the ‘I will never get used waking up early and commuting’ intern stupor, hunched over a bowl of cereal praying no one will speak. Not just to him, but at all. Husband preparing to make a smoothie.

Me: Um… don’t you guys smell burning plastic?

Gary: No.

Danny: (silence, or at best an imperceptible grunt)

Me: Are you KIDDING me? (thinking about how the kitchen smelled oddly like we were manufacturing small plastic toys or making shrinky dinks.) Did anyone use the toaster oven or the micro this morning?

Gary: Not me.

Danny: (silence and fear that this line of questioning was not going to be short, only adding to his misery at an hour that is closer to his usual bedtime than one he has considered morning since high school)

Me: HELLOOO, no one smells this?! (now my eyes are starting to sting and the dog is coughing)

At this point I am somewhat convinced there is a direct correlation between possessing a penis and having no solid sense of smell. This realization, of course, comes from a woman who can smell an old sponge in your kitchen…

no matter how far away you live from here.

Gary: (opening the dishwasher) There you go!

And there, seared to the coil on the bottom of the dishwasher, sat the remains of a Tupperwear lid.

In red.

After using the requisite Jewish tool… the steak knife (which is an upgrade from the usual butter knife) we tossed around some brilliant ideas like using a razor blade and slicing the plastic off the coil, running another cycle to re-melt the sucker and peel it off while it is hot, or trying to ‘remove the coil’ ourselves.

Realizing that any of these would result in quadrupling the ultimate cost of the repair I called ‘my girls’ who always seem to have ‘a guy’ (why don’t I ever have a guy, I have lived her for 25 friggin years, I should have at least one guy).

Enter RALPH.

I love Ralph. He can actually smell. AND he can fix!

I love a problem I can fix. Or at least that Ralph can.

Leave a comment

Filed under danny, gary, homeowner, humor

We do breakdowns in a big way

Apparently the mechanical things in my life did not get the memo that the world did not end this week. Here is a little overview of what has been going on here since Monday.

1. Fax machine rings but the line defaults to static and will not connect.

2. Line 2 (biz line) becomes pure static when line 1 rings… only at certain times of the day. Apparently the phones were jealous of the fax getting all the attention. (as the child psychologists used to tell us ‘negative attention is still attention’

3. My time capsule decided to stop accepting my back ups on Monday. Brought it to the genius bar… geniuses could not revive it. Had to buy a knew one only to find out I left my wallet home. Back home, got wallet, back home again… time capsule will not connect to the internet. Half hour with internet provider tech help (nice guy), another half hour with apple tech help (another nice guy) and up and running. Time capsule would not accept back-ups – isn’t this where I started off with $300 more in my pocket? Eventually got that going – this was at 3:00 when I began my days work.

Are we having fun yet? Oh, not nearly enough!

4. Enter the picture above and the backstory. Danny went to work today to help Gary out. Such a nice boy – oh, and he was being well paid. Phone rings around 6:30. ” Mom, the car just died in the middle lane of the LIE.” Oooooo, that’s NOT good. After stressing under no circumstances should he get out of the car, I called AAA to find out he is not on the account. Pay $25, set up the highway patrol and a tow and meet him at the gas station.

Could they have found a bigger truck?

5. Oh, how could I forget… as I was leaving I forgot something in the house and stopped the garage door in mid close position… where it decided to remain. That’s right, you can find me at home tomorrow waiting for the call from the mechanic for the car and the repair guy for the garage door opener.

3 Comments

Filed under humor