Category Archives: women

The Dressing Room

fitting-room

There is something about shopping for a dress that puts most women over the edge. Unless you have the perfect figure, and even then there is usually something about yourself that does not work for you in that evil 3-way mirror under those horrifying fluorescent lights.

This is an actual conversation that I heard from the next dressing room:

Woman 1: I am sure this is my size. And I am wearing the perfect bra!

Woman 2: Ummmm, I don’t think so, hon.

Woman 1: Sure, you hold the bottom and I will hold the top, I will take a deep breath in and then we can zip it together.

Woman 2: Honestly, I just don’t think there is enough fabric. What’s the big deal, no one will ever ask to see the tag and verify the size you are wearing. And anyway, you would need someone to dress you before the wedding AND you won’t be able to sit down the whole time.

Woman 1: I should have never eaten lunch before going shopping.

You seriously cannot make this stuff up. Lady, eat a sandwich, wear the bigger size, get a pair of spanx and get a grip.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under body image, fashion, fashion, humor, humor, weight, women

Out of the Mouths of Moms

cursegraphic

We had an interesting dinner conversation tonight. We have a full house/table with Jana home from school. The dynamic shifts, as do the seats, to bring us back to the original four. We fall back into the way we were when she still lived here. There is truly nothing more comforting than a family that is whole again.

The conversation at our dinner table is always pretty lively. There are no rules. No taboo subjects, for me anyway. I believe in open discussion and the right to speak your mind as long as you are respectful to others. It was always this way, but somewhere along the line I guess I loosened up the reigns on cursing and *questionable family topics*. Especially for myself. Come to think of it I would say I am the one that says the most outrageous things at the table.

Not sure how it started, but for some reason I had a run of topics come out of my mouth that left my kids… well almost stunned.

Danny: Wow, think of a list of the most outrageous things to hear a mom say and you pretty much hit them all.

Jana: With each topic I did not think it could get worse… and then it did.

Me: Really? Crap, are you guys going to need therapy from this?

Jana: Nah, it’s fine.

Danny: Don’t worry, the damage was done a long time ago. We’re good.

Gary: this is definitely going to be a blog post!

Perhaps I should consider some restraint in the future.

Probably unlikely.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under danny, family, humor, Jana, parenting, women

Taxicab Confessions Revisited or Putting the Social in Social Media

taxi

A quick aside, sorry for no Time to Cry Tuesday this week… had not time (to cry).

Back in October we had this wild experience in a cab with a driver who claimed to be Doug Ingle from Iron Butterfly. Go ahead and read that link, I will wait.

Ok, so a couple of weeks ago I received a comment on that post from someone named Ryan who said that their dad had the same experience. Small internet.

Today, I did my usual afternoon stat check (that is what we bloggers do to validate ourselves now and then) and I saw that there was an inordinate amount of hits on that very post. Linking to the source I was led here where sure enough there are others with the same story, and my post was linked about halfway down.

So this guy tells this story all the time. Maybe all of us that have been in his cab need a Facebook group. Or not.

Seriously, this is one of the greatest things about blogging. The internet gets smaller everyday. Things come full circle and people find others who have had the same experiences.

The social in social media.

On that note I will let you all know that this weekend I was lucky enough to meet two of my original blog friends, or as my family likes to refer to them, my imaginary friends. Shouting out to Wendy and Liz, who I am pretty sure I could have gone to summer camp with in another life. These are two women I am proud to say I am now REAL friends with. Or friends IRL (in real life) as they say in the blogosphere. For those who are fearful of meeting people online I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt, neither one of them is a psycho OR a creep.

Oh, and we are not dating for those who think that is the only reason to meet people online.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under communities, friendship, humor, women

Manicures & Martinis

manicure_and_martinins

If you glance at the calendar you will see that tonight is the first Thursday of the month and that means only one thing… First Thursday’s dinner. Tonight there was some show and tell. This is the only item clean enough to share but it is a good one.

Fertility is hot lately, what with a crazed mommy machine squeaking out 8 babies last week. Let me disclaimer this post so as not to offend. I think this concept is fabulous, one of my best friends had kids through fertility treatments (no really, that one is true) and I have worked professionally on fertility patient information materials. Yes I get it is a serious topic. No I don’t think it is in poor taste to laugh about… well anything. That is the whole point.

Now that we got all that out of the way…

I would like to start by stating that I would attend just about any event that promised free manicures and martinis. Honestly, you could sell me on the virtues of embalming fluid at an event like this. Brilliant!

It would seem that this group, The American Fertility Association, is running a few seminars to ‘chat with a leading fertility expert in a safe and comfortable setting’. Oh right, because a fertility clinic or a doctor’s office are extremely dangerous venues. You never know who will be hanging around places like that!

The graphic here is fabulous, but the copy? Not so much. We did not quite get the part about being in your 20s or 30s and simply not being ready to have a baby right now. So the reason those women would come to this event would be? Oh right!

Free manicures and martinis.

Our favorite part of this ad? (and I am quite proud, for I was the only one at the table who could still read the small type). They will also be offering alcohol-free Fertilitinis. What a great name for a drink. Could you imagine serving those at a club?

I guess you would drink them under the biological clock that is ticking above the bar.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, education, marketing, women

Time to Cry Tuesday – Sunrise, Sunset

sunrise_sunset

The title of this post is for my brother. This is how I will be able to tell if he is reading. What, it’s not all about me and my blog?

When we were growing up my mom had a friend with a beautiful singing voice. At every Bar or Bat Mitzvah she would get up and sing Sunrise, Sunset with the band. As you would expect, all of us kids would roll our eyes, giggle a little, suffer glares and shushes from our parents and fidget our way through to the end of the song.

Years later, at my brother’s wedding, she got up and sang it again. As young adults the eye rolling was replaced with a wink, we had long since learned to stop fidgeting and our parents were way too busy full out weeping to worry about the likes of us.

Fast forward a quarter of a century. (this, too, is for my brother – everyone loves to think of themselves as being married for any fraction of a century, right?)

This past weekend I attended the Bar Mitzvah of a friend’s child. But this was not just ANY Bar Mitzvah. This, my friends, was the celebration of the last of the First Thursday children coming of age. The First Thursday group has existed since the month he was born, he is our measure for the length of our friendship and as you can imagine, he is our little mascot of sorts because of it. (surely every 13 year old boy would love to be referred to this way.)

Yes, number 18 has now become a man. Funny, but he still looked so young to me. Until the video montage looped its way into my line of sight and I saw all those kids frozen in time as they were when they were small.

Then I looked back on the dance floor and caught a glimpse of my sweet *J* (not Jana, this is my other J) in that beautiful blue satin dress the color of her eyes, of *N* and *K* in those drop dead sequin numbers with the high heels that would surely cripple the likes of me. And *V* dancing up a storm as if the whole damn world was her living room and she had it by the balls.

That’s when it friggin’ hit me. Like a ton of corny, OMG-I-have-surely-become-my-mother bricks…

I could have been singing the lyrics to Sunrise Sunset in my head.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under communities, family, moms, parenting, teenagers, Time to Cry Tuesdays, Uncategorized, women

Does this SUV make my ass look fat?

Fuel Crisis

Nothing like a ‘does this make my ass look fat’ post to start the year off right!

Once again, thanks to my BBFF MizLiz, another absurdity has been brought to my attention. I don’t know how I missed this one last week.

A Beverly Hills doc, Craig Alan Bittner, decided to power his car with the human fat extracted during liposuction. I kid you not. Fat contains triglycerides that can be turned into diesel. Basically we are saying the fatter the ass the longer the ride?

Should his patients be asking for doggie bags so they don’t need to stop at the gas station on the way home from surgery? My crazy friend The Bloggess kept berating her vet to give her the ovaries from her cat after she was spade, is this so different?

Before you run out and book yourself an appointment to shrink ‘er down and gas ‘er up I am sorry to inform you that Dr. Bittner has closed his practice to volunteer in a small clinic in South America. One where there is a gas shortage, you ask? Don’t start getting all warm and fuzzy about the guy, in actuality he closed his practice because he is involved in a lawsuit with 3 patients because he allowed his ASSISTANT and his GIRLFRIEND to perform surgeries without a medical license. The attorney for the 3 patients said he removed too much fat (is there really such a thing as removing too much fat) and left them disfigured.

Sure, but did they or did they not have a full tank of gas when they left?

You can’t make this stuff up!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

 

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Filed under absurdities, body image, current events, health, lawsuits, women

Maybe she was just hungry

hunger

I ran out to the market tonight to pick up a few things at an odd hour, 5:00 on a Saturday. And there she was, this magnificent mom with two equally beautiful children. They were all really breathtaking. She looked oddly familiar in a movie star sort of way but I doubt it. Just another well-healed North Shore Long Island women over-dressed for the supermarket.

But here’s the thing, she was a total bitch to her kids. Believe me, I have seen kids misbehave in a supermarket, sometimes even those of my loins. These two kids were not acting out, maybe being a little ‘overly helpful’ but certainly not worthy of reprimand. But the skinny bitch pretty mom? She did not have a shred of patience for them. To the point were she sent the little boy out to the parking lot to wait for them. (nice judgement, no?)

So here is what I am thinking:

Maybe she was just hungry.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under family, moms, parenting, relationships, women

Do You Have Barbie Envy?

barbiethatbitch

Why do I find myself insanely jealous of whoever made this bumper sticker? I mean really, is that normal behavior?

I saw this in a parking lot and almost got hit by a car trying to take the picture. (that would be hard to explain: Well you see, officer, there was this bumper sticker that I HAD to get a shot of so I stopped while I was walking through the parking lot and did not realize that a car was coming and the rest is history. “That’s fine, really don’t worry”. And then to his partner, “call for a psych consult”)

For a change, I digress. So let’s talk Barbie for a minute. First, and foremost, we hate her because she is insanely skinny and never seems to be going to action figure Weight Watchers meetings. Nor does she age come to think of it.

Second, she has Ken and even though he does not have a penis (nor does she have nipples for that matter) they do seem to be a lovely couple and their relationship has been going on for… wait, let me Google this. Wow 43 years? But wait again, in my search there were a few references to a split. You can read about it on Bloggingscious (what kind of name is that and how do you pronounce it, is that like blogging delicious, hmmmm not working for me) and Man Behind the Doll (now there is a name to love). Whatever, it seems the breakup is way old news anyway. Give or take a few years these two have been together for a long time.

Third, she has the dream house for G-d sake. And the dream car. And all those tiny little shoes that little kids are forever getting stuck up their noses (Jana, did you do this or was that someone else?)

But, I worry about poor Barbie these days. Did she overextend herself with the mortgage on the Malibu beach house? Click that last link to find out more possible financial disasters for our dear old friend Barbie. Perhaps we should not worry, after all Poor is the New Rich! Once again, the old girl is always in fashion.

Wait, did she have a last name?

Oh yes she does! Dear Barbie has a Wikipedia page and her full name would be Barbara “Barbie” Millicent Roberts born March 9, 1959. OMG we are the same friggin’ age (yes I am that old, I just don’t act all that mature). Just in case you need to see the family tree you can see it here.

I know what you are all thinking right about now, ” what if she parked somewhere else today, what would she have written about?”

Call it fate, or emerging insanity. Me? Just thrilled to have gained all that Barbie knowledge.

Still, she probably is a bitch.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under absurdities, blogging, fashion, humor, Jana, products, trends, women

Do You Speak Woman?

A guy friend sent this to me and I am not gonna lie, I thought it was hysterical. Enjoy.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms and at 50-Something Moms Blog where Jana joins in the election bloglove.

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under humor, women

Ladies Welcome

I was driving up the west side of Manhattan the other day and stopped at a red light somewhere downtown. Yes, this is why I try to always have a camera with me.

I believe the name of the store is ‘Ladies Welcome, Come in and Shop’ but perhaps that is a directive and the store has no name.

The good news is that it is open 24 hours but please, you must be 21 and over.

The best part?

ATM inside.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at Mid-Century Modern Moms where they are celebrating their 1 year blogaversary. And at 50-Something Moms Blog… Poor is the New Rich and There is no Hair in Team .

For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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Filed under fashion, humor, trends, women