Category Archives: Uncategorized

October 8, 2008 · 11:37 pm

Eat. Starve. Eat.

Ok, so like many of my blog friends, I vowed never to write about religion and politics. And here I am following up a political post with a religious one.

Never say never.

For those of you who are practicing Jews, right about now you are starting to get that morning rumble in the stomach. Hey, and what are you doing ready blogs and checking email on Yom Kippur? Oh right, you are Reform!

Ari Gold school of prayer?

For my non-Jewish readers, today is Yom Kippur, the holiest day in the Jewish religion. Ahh…. now you understand why there was less traffic this morning. (well, that really depends on where you live I suppose). We Jews fast for 24 hours. But first we eat like crazy. Then when we are done, we eat like crazy again.

I was thinking how ironic it was for a people who are so tied to food to have to give it up for a day to atone. Think about it. Jewish moms and chicken soup. Someone dies, bring those little white boxes of cookies to the Shiva house. Or for close friends…’who’s in charge of the food’. Someone takes ill, ‘who’s taking care of their dinners?’ Depressed… eat chocolate. Wait that last one is probably universal and somehow tied to estrogen levels.

The Christians might have a better idea: Lent. Instead of giving up everything for one day, they give up one thing for forty. Not so bad. And they don’t get headaches or go through caffeine withdrawals.

Enough nonsense. For those who are, have an easy fast. For those who are not, please have a cup of coffee and think of your poor blog friend jonesing for some joe.

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October 7, 2008 · 11:50 pm

‘That One’ is the new ‘Maverick’

It can’t be easy being a politician these days. The millisecond something comes out of your mouth it is all over the blogs and twitter. It becomes pop culture comedy before the next question is asked.

Seriously though, the lack of respect used in a comment like ‘That one’ had the crowds going wild. Here is the clip on YouTube. WSJ posted this at 10:57. (how did they type and proof so fast?) McCain campaign adviser Charlie Black said he didn’t believe McCain meant any disrespect and that Obama’s campaign was spinning the remark.

Uh, I think not. That was rude. No matter who you are voting for.

So much noise. And me? I am becoming a noise junky. How did I watch the debate? Having the miserable experience great pleasure of trying to bang out a job before the holiday tomorrow I was watching at my desk. Being a new Twitter junkie user I stumbled upon a website called ‘current’ that was hosting what they called a Hack-a-thon of the debate.

In short, they streamed the debate and opened up a tagged twitterstream were participants could have tweets visible across the screen.

Translation for those who don’t know what the hell I am talking about. There was a YouTube style screen and people were kind of instant messaging to a common place and their comments would come up on the bottom of the screen.

Ok, so maybe elbow deep in Photoshop layers on a project with a streaming debate including constant commentary may be a little over the top. Even for me. Did I mention that I kept taking screen shots of my fave comments too? Yes, I have a severe illness.

Here are my two faves:

In case you are reading this on a handheld and can’t see the pics, the first one says: Ironic-the Presidential debate is coming on right after “The Biggest Loser”

The second: Drinking on: change, hope, maverick, reform, economy, bailout, nuclear. did i miss any?

What this means is that they were at a debate party where they do shots whenever those words are mentioned. (one drunk crowd for sure). A milder version of this game was debate bingo. I did see a comment later on that said: One more maverick and I have Bingo.

Yes, the game has surely changed indeed.

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October 5, 2008 · 11:32 pm

Stocking Follow-up

What is that disgusting mess in my sink, you ask? Well, those my friends, are the uncool and untextured stockings that I wore yesterday.

Um, Amy? Did you perhaps crap in these stockings, you ask? (sorry, I can be so infantile sometimes).

No my friends, this is what happens when you hand wash a pair of Donna Karan pantyhose in cold water. Are you kidding me?! This is how an overpriced pair of $18 stockings wash? (I know Mom, you are appalled that I pay that price for a pair of pantyhose).

My mother reminded me yesterday how I used to rip a few pair of tights a week when I was a kid. She would say, “Oh Amy, those aren’t even paid for yet!” and I always feared she would be taken away by the cops because she had stolen my clothes. (not all that sharp on credit cards in those days). She also reminded me how I used to go back to the playground and look for the circle of the tights that had fallen out of the knee (again, had a little issue with space and form relationships in those early years too).

A few thoughts about the ripoff high-end Donna Karans. What? You thought I would not have commentary on this?

1. If I wear these in the rain will they double as self-tanners.

2. Worse, if it is a hot day and my legs sweat will there suddenly appear weird brown splotches beneath the surface? That could be embarrassing.

3. Should there not be a disclaimer on the package similar to For Leg Use Only?

Ok, enough airing of my dirty laundry, I am calling it a day!

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October 4, 2008 · 11:38 pm

For Leg Use Only?

Lately I have had to dress up more often than usual. Usual being hardly ever since I work at home and the dog could not care less if I stay in my walking clothes and don’t shower until 4:00.

Between the holidays and a few parties I have had to rummage through my closet and find things to make myself presentable. 

With the change of season I am never up to speed on the stocking fashion. One year it is no stockings – even if it is 20 degrees below, the next opaque, then ultra sheer. I am simply leg covering ignorant. Thank goodness for Riki who always tells me which way to go with this. (Riki is my stocking consultant).

Today, after she was kind enough to tell me that the black semi sheers I had on were all wrong, she informed me that texture was ‘very big’. Great, I thought, I am sure I have some texture in my stocking drawer. Mind you, this is the only neat drawer in my house because I never go into it. Sadly, no textures in there, unless you count the sheers with all the little pulls in them.

On top of the drawer I found the package above. I don’t remember the last time I even went into Daffy’s let alone when I bought these. I looked at the package and said to Gary, “For Leg Use Only”? What does THAT friggin’ mean?

Perhaps it means, don’t take these out of the package, pull them over your face and go rob a convenience store.

The funniest part of that is the list in the top left corner: silken sheers, with spandex, control top, sandalfoot, pantyhose.

Hey Joe, before the heist make sure you get me sandalfoot, that reinforced toe gives me a headache. And I like the feel of the silken sheers but make sure it has a little spandex and control top, they give me that simulated facelift look and I don’t want to look too old for this job.

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October 3, 2008 · 10:45 pm

Can we talk about hairy backs?

This one struck me. I suppose it is because as a woman I spend all sorts of time and money getting rid of hair. So it kind of pisses me off that guys can walk around with this kind of natural sweater and it can be ok.

Or maybe not.

I always think of the waxing scene in 40-year-old-Virgin when I see a back like this.

Isn’t fashion kind of ridiculous. Maybe in another era hairy woman will be in style. Then what will happen to everyone who lasered off all those personal places. Where did I read that it was not recommended to laser your ‘bikini’ area clean as the aging process was not kind to ‘those parts’ and it looks better with a little hair on it when you get older?

Wait, did I dream that? No, I don’t think so. I remember reading it and laughing my not so hairy ass off about it. (I know Jana, EW, MOM!)

Ok, so maybe it was a hard day week month season and I needed to be ridiculous tonight. Admit that I made you laugh.

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October 3, 2008 · 12:05 am

On my nerves in the news

How many of you are sick of the latest over-used sound bites in the news lately? Liz you have already voiced tweeted your distaste for the first one.

Here are the ones that make me the craziest. Feel free to send me others in the comments.

From Wall Street to Main Street (number 1 most over-used term)

A heartbeat from the presidency (too scary to comment)

The golden parachute (downgraded to silver?)

I’ll get back to ya on that (kill me now)

A regular woman like you and me (I am nothing like this woman!!)

Consumer confidence (there is none)

Market adjustment (that was one hell of an adjustment)

Derivatives (derivative of what? that is the big question)

Bailout (this is a bad word. we need a new name for this. let’s rebrand this baby. anyone? bueller?)

Maverick (this infers reckless behavior to me)

Joe six-pack (I like my Joe’s with an anatomical six-pack, thanks)

First dude (sheesh!)

Watching the debates tonight I noticed that there were quite a few people on Twitter playing Palin bingo (I love that idea). They were thrilled when she said Maverick (how many times was that by the way?)

Her winking and dropping of the g on all ing words… not so much.

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October 1, 2008 · 8:32 pm

Reborn dolls and women who mother them

Woah! This video really freaks me out! It is long but I could not pause it. Kind of like staring at the accident. The song choice makes it all the more disturbing. If you don’t get to the end, the best part is where we are sternly instructed not to search for ‘fake baby’ as the correct term is ‘reborn’. WTF!!

I searched YouTube for these ‘babies’ after seeing a scary little news story on the Today Show. You can see the story here.

Matt Lauer interviewed some frankly wacko rather interesting women Wednesday morning about these dolls called reborns. What the hell does that mean, reborn? EW! This interview was in anticipation of a BBC film called ‘My Fake Baby’ which is a documentary about these ‘babies’. (shame on you BBC, you did not use the right terminology, how ignorant!).

These dolls sell for thousands and are collected by women, some of whom dress them up and ‘care’ for them as if they were real. Yeh, this is real healthy. Touted as the perfect baby (um, wait, why is this ok?) one woman says that while she doesn’t have children this ‘satisfies a female instinct’ in her. Women find them therapeutic. Oh, I am thinking there is surely some therapy needed. This is way creepy, no? OK, so why do we not think these women need some serious help?

I particularly like the way you can pop their heads off, but hey, that’s me. Seriously, I never got to do this with my kids and I find that to be a nice feature, don’t you?

G-d bless the doll ‘artists’ who are making a fortune on these things. It got me to thinking that this could be a woman’s version of the sex doll. Seriously, they satisfy a need, right? No one gets hurt. Well maybe they do. I wonder about the woman in the interview who had a two-year-old at home. This woman left her real kid home to take her fake baby on TV, um yeh, we are real healthy. I worry about that kid getting the right kind of attention. While mommy is rocking plastic bro to sleep is real life toddler sticking her finger in a socket or something? (I know, I can be so judgmental sometimes).

My favorite line from the Lauer interview:

Matt: What do you do with an old baby when you get a new baby, put the old one on a shelf?

I am thinking if you did not have children there are many creatures that you can ‘satisfy your female instinct’ with. How about a cat? A puppy? Even a fish?

Then again, hard to dress up a fish.

Although there is something to be said about not needing to get a sitter.

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September 30, 2008 · 11:17 pm

Top Ten Search Terms (vol. 3)

Before I get into the search terms I want to let you know that the Jana shoelace poll has consistently shown that yellow is in the lead. We are at 59% to 41% to date. Voting is still open if you want to have your voice heard in this very important election.

Welcome to the third monthly installment of Top Ten Search Terms. For those who missed the last two you can read Vol. 1 here and Vol 2. here. As before, I have compiled a list of my 10 favorite (actual) search terms that viewers have entered to arrive at this blog. Some make sense, others quite frankly scare me. What makes people keyword such offbeat phrases? You can click on the terms and they will lead you to the posts that I think were found. For you email subsribers you will have to go to the page of the blog to use this function.

10. jews in jeeps yeh, we jews LOVE to drive jeeps.

9. dog crying for dead dog on street  oh my, this is way too sad. i am thinking that most dogs have the time to cry. think about it, what the heck does your dog do all day anyway?

8. fibroids spanx hmm… how did this person know that I had fibroids (wait, this might have been in my menopause post). to tell the truth they have had nothing to do with my need to wear spanx.

7. obama ad exploding dog c’mon! did any of you see this ad. why would anyone (candidate or otherwise) want to blow up a dog?

6. ive been slimed lab is this like sperm donors and pharma research programs where they pay you to come in for the afternoon and get slimed in a lab. even for the sake of research I am not sure if I would want to voluntarily be slimed.

5. people sandwich one comment only here: Soylent Green is people! (Jana, pass this one on to the campies)

4. second hand thong umm… EW! nuff said here.

3. man-boy slaves  oy, that is way concerning. so much for transparency in my blog. now i have to worry about some perverts looking for my kid.

2. thong long hair big boobs yeh, well duh. that is what every friggin’ human with a penis is searching for 24 hours a day on the internet. I guess this blog was a disappointing find for this group. maybe they should have searched ‘thong, longish hair, 49-year-old boobs wise ass with a big mouth.

1. photos of men wearing tampons wait, there are actually many photos of men wearing tampons out there? ew, wait again. where are they wearing them? 

I hope you enjoyed this months list. Makes you want to keep reading, doesn’t it?

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September 28, 2008 · 11:19 pm

The Albert Einstein Action Figure

This could be, hands down, the best purchase I have made…EVER.

I was in a computer store on a very long line and they had all sorts of impulse buy items as you snaked through the aisle to the register.

And there, between the coffee molecule t-shirts and the mini travel toolkit was this! An Albert Einstein action figure. How could this be, I asked. What product manager would conceive of such a thing. And what is he holding in his hand? A piece of chalk? Perhaps he is ever ready to scribble a formula whenever the mood hits.

Of course I bought two, one to pose and put in ridiculous contextual photos (yes, you will be subjected to these from time to time) and one to keep in the original package in case he ever becomes a collector’s ite. Delusional? Maybe. But was the inventor of this item not a little delusional too?

I showed this to a friend and he asked me why I did not buy the Thomas Edison one.

I could not help but Google for a series. Not the same style or manufacturer but I did find full sets of both Geniuses and the ever popular Revolutionaries.

Who could possibly resist owning one set that includes Lenin, Gandhi, Che, Malcom X (does he really match the caliber of the others) and Mao?

Hey mom, I gotta get me some Mao…now!

These may not be posable action figures, but I am pretty they have all seen a lot of action in their day.

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September 28, 2008 · 12:35 am

The hand dryer that can blow your mind

We were out to dinner tonight (it seems like I eat out a lot lately, doesn’t it?). I went to the bathroom and there, next to the sink was the most incredible thing.

The Dyson Airblade hand dryer.

You know that guy from the vacuum commercials who makes you think that he is always inventing a better way to suck stuff up and makes you feel really ignorant for having that stupid 10-year-old Miele when you have a dog that sheds?

Oops, off on another noise-in-my-head tangent, sorry about that. So this guy designed what has to be the most incredible hand dryer. You stick your hands in and it looks like it is going to rip the skin right off them. Of course the crazy friends that I was with decided we should try to take pictures of one of us putting our face in there to see if we could simulate the look of a face lift.

Unfortunately the space was too narrow and she could only insert her hands.

When we got back to the table the guys asked us what we were doing. Um, well there is this really cool dryer and, well, we thought it would be funny if…

never mind.

They seemed to know all about the dryer, so we asked if they had ever tried to put other body parts in there.

Hey, talk about a blow job.

(sorry Jana – I know – ‘ew mom!’)

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