Category Archives: humor

January 22, 2012 · 12:19 am

Creepy Stress Ball

THIS is a damn creepy stress ball. And the way it is packaged with just the face sticking out of a hole like that just adds to its degree of creepiness.

I took this picture for my friend Michelle Lamar, because we are constantly in competition for photos of the bizarre. She is the one who turned me on to tampon crafts way back when. She is my idol of tackiness.

So this guy? What makes him so creepy? Is it the pink lipstick? The bushy eyebrows? Oh right, the fact that someone would design something like this as a desk accessory could be it!

So he represents who? The quintessential asshole boss? Your perverted Uncle Ernie? The pedophile next door? Why, I ask you, will we get pleasure in squishing his seemingly benign, bald little head?

Ok, too much thought, right? WTH, I am so going back to that weird little card store near Home Goods and buying this one. He deserves a spot on my novelty shelf along with the Obsessive Compulsive Action Figure , The Mini Marauding Pirates and the Evolving Darwin Playset.

Yes, I do in fact own all three of those.

 

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January 19, 2012 · 9:57 pm

When Men do Merchandising

Jana and I went into the drug store yesterday to pick up some tampax. (Now there is a show-stopping opening line if I ever wrote one.) As we walked down the aisle I heard her famous brand of “ARE you kidding me?!” I turned around to see not one, but two NFL free standing displays…

blocking the tampons and feminine hygiene products.

As a marketer and brand-focused professional I tried to see what the idea was behind this. I have come up with a few thoughts and will outline them here, with a poll at the end to get your input.

Put the NFL stuff in front of the tampons because:

1. while a woman is bleeding she feels the need to get a little gift for her guy to distract him.

2. there are women who are football fans and they may want some of these for themselves.

3. stockperson was stoned and placed the displays there as a joke.

4. stock person just put them randomly in an aisle with no thought to surrounding merchandise.

5. there is a level of discomfort with feminine hygiene products and they wanted to hide them.

6. foreshadowing: Tampax will be coming out with NFL branded tampons (Team Tampax?) and this is a pre-launch teaser.

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December 31, 2011 · 2:13 pm

The Bitch is Back

Once again, I stumble upon the absurd. This time I had my girls with me – Jana and Natasha. They pointed her out and we could not believe our luck. Sitting innocently in the brand new 16 Handles in town, enjoying a little froyo delight, this woman comes walking in with 3 middle school boys. To be perfectly honest, we were first distracted by her definitely, but not intentionally, dyed magenta hair – this was a redhead gone bad situation. Then we were aghast at the size of the frozen yogurt with many toppings that she had chosen. I am not sure I could eat that much on a dare.

As she was perusing the extensive toppings bar the girls saw it; that unbelievable embroidered declaration on her left arm : The Bitch is Back.

Now let’s think about this. As always, I wonder who designs these things in hopes that someone will buy them. Then I want to know, did she buy this for herself as a warning to her spouse/family or was this a holiday gift from her husband who was merely stating the obvious? Yet this chick wore it proudly. And on a pink hoodie, no less.

Insult to injury.

I am guessing by the varied clientele moving through this 16 Handles I am going to spend some serious time there with a camera. And yes, my friends, this one gets the MFTA approval – the last one of 2011.

Looking forward to another year of bringing you the most ridiculous things that life has to offer. May you all be safe tonight and remember, if the bitch is back, wear it.

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December 28, 2011 · 11:23 am

New Puppy Joy

Nothing like a daughter on twitter who has funny friends, that’s what I always say.

Yeh, the time has come for sweet little Iko to be put in her adorable puppy place. It’s one thing when she bites the ass of a family member, but the poor housekeeper… I don’t think so!

The shedevil is tons of fun and we are loving (almost) every minute of her, but the ass biting… not so much. As I said to her the other day, “No one bites MY ass without permission, kiddo.” TMI?

So, she learned to sit at 9 weeks, is closing in on giving paw and has been housebroken since we brought her home except for the occasional excited peeing for Jana’s boyfriend. But the nipping needs to be nipped, so let the games begin.

Seriously, though, how could you be mad at this face?

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December 18, 2011 · 6:43 pm

Dog High Chairs

I have written – with disgust–about kids on leashes and dogs in strollers. The former spawned a call from Dr. Phil to try to get me to come on the show and duke it out with the leash supporting moms of America.

I am always astonished at the lack of separation out there between parenting kids and owning pets. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my pets. Losing Mel was one of the hardest things in my life, and now having Iko and nurturing a young puppy is a whole new set of emotions. But I never once confused them for my kids. Or felt I was parenting them. Not to say putting my toddlers in a crate to discipline them wouldn’t have come in handy, but a dog is a dog. A kid is a kid. And the idea of taking the methods used in raising one and projecting it on the other is concerning.

Enter the clip-on dog high chair. I believe when my kids were little we used to call these Sassy Seats (stupid name!). Now, in my home, we spend an enormous amount of time getting our dogs NOT to eat at the table. No begging. No jumping. Certainly no taking the food off the table or the counters. That would be specifically because…

THEY ARE DOGS!

But it seems that the makers or buyers of this ridiculous item don’t agree with the theory that dogs belong on the floor when they eat. Again, because…

THEY ARE DOGS!

Note there are more than one of these on the market indicating there is demand or people are trying to create one. Crazy stuff. And if you ask me all these dogs look a little out of their minds and certainly over-indulged.

The last one is really scary. Is she eating flan with a straw and a paw candle with a side of bisc(uit)otti?

My favorite search result is the April Fools video from Ikea. I just love this guy:

So, show of hands. Are you comfortable with your dog at the table. (warning: those who say yes, we will not be eating together any time soon)

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November 30, 2011 · 11:37 pm

Subterranean Homesick Blues

In Dylan terms, that means I miss the basement!

If you have not been following along, I have had not one, but two floods and countless craziness that has misplaced first my stuff and then me, from the basement office.

I am happy to report that there is a light at the end of the tunnel (hopefully not with a runaway train right behind it) and I am starting to believe I might actually get back in the newly renovated office soon. (define soon).

Here is why I have confirmed that working upstairs is not for me. Yesterday would be a perfect example.

8am-10am: House renovations across the street on one side reach a fevered pitch

10am-12pm: House on the other side takes down a tree and woodchipper whines on for 2 hours

12pm-1pm: Fall clean-up with the gardener at the next door neighbor

1pm-3:30pm: landscapers come to roto-till my yard since the waterproofers left a big section of dirt (aka mud) after the drywall went in.

So, pretty much that was a solid 7 and a half hours of white noise.

No can do.

Of course that did not hold a candle to the 5 hours of jackhammering in the basement last Wednesday from the waterproofers. (that my son slept through, BTW)

So my friends, it is almost back to the basement for this noise sensitive lunatic. And I couldn’t be happier.

 

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November 15, 2011 · 11:25 pm

Time to Cry Tuesday – This Old F’in House

Ok, so it’s almost Wednesday. Consider this the late edition of Time to Cry. Read on and you will understand why.

Some people find the sound of rushing water soothing. Unless, of course, said rushing occurs…

indoors!

For those who have not been following, I am in the midst of the never ending office renovation spawned by basement water during the hurricane. I have purged and cleaned to the point of delirium, having reached the final stages of hacking up large office furniture and waiting for the waterproofer for weeks on end.

Enter the great washing machine fail of 2011. Yes, folks, the washer that resides in a neat little laundry closet nestled on the other side of the wall from my desk (the living on the fault line analogy does not escape me at this moment), decided to crap out in a big way yesterday morning. And with its final act of FU upon me, it flooded the OTHER room in the basement that was housing the entire contents of my office.

Have you ever heard of those people that get an adrenaline rush and can lift cars? Well this was my save the files/supplies/artwork, books, whatever the hell else I could not part with version of that feat.

It was triage, I tell you. And I was failing at first. Things like panic set in. You know that emotion that never helps any situation. So there I was with wet feet, water spewing and panicking. Not pretty. After wetvaccing with the cap off, spewing the water back onto the floor while simultaneously trying to bail out the washing machine with a wonton soup container, I was fortunate enough to have my dear friend Karen show up and pretty much snap me back into prioritizing solutions. Karen has been voted the person I will call to help bury the body. I will forgive her for asking this ill-timed question when looking around the room, “THIS is what you classified as purging? You may still want to get rid of some of this stuff… Hoarder!)

A huge I can never, ever, EVER thank you enough as long as I live to Tony and his crew of the happiest, most competent men from ServPro of Great Neck/Port Washington who came in here and saved the day. Seriously, I hope you never need them, but if you ever have water, fire, mold… call these guys before you do anything else. They are the bomb. Tony sat calmly at my table, told me this was ‘really no big deal’, had me sign all the papers while telling me that he would be out by 5 (this was at 3). ‘Um, you and what army?’, I asked.

And then then the doorbell rang and in came the army.

His guys were gentle with my stuff, respectful of my OCD need to stay organized and neat to the point of sweeping, mopping and hauling off every bit of garbage and debris. They were a whirling dervish of organized chaos. I loved when ‘C’ came in and reminded his guys, “Safety first”.

All this done with genuine smiles! Man I love these guys.

Silver lining… now the office is empty and I can paint. Want to help pic colors?

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November 2, 2011 · 8:20 pm

Sweaterfail

I could not resist this shot. I love these sweaters. As Gary used to say, it is one thing for someone to buy these, but who DESIGNS them thinking that they will be bought?

Actually, if you hit the restaurants in south Florida around the early bird hour I would imagine these are sort of a uniform.

‘Honey, you should buy this, the colors are so lively?’

Correct me if I am wrong, but I think these sweaters come with an age requirement.

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October 23, 2011 · 10:48 pm

Kind of

This little pack of gum could come in really handy. Dealing with someone who is treating you like crap? Well then just hand them a pack of ‘You’re kind of a dick’ gum.

I love gum with a message. This should not be confused with the I Heart My Penis gum, which would most probably be given to you by a guy who could use a pack of Your kind of a dick. And you could also hand it to anyone who responded yes when you offered him a piece of Does this gum make my ass look big?

The way I look at it, you could answer almost any question with a pack of gun. Well almost.

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October 15, 2011 · 7:12 am

iPhone 4S and the antics it spawned

If you ever met me you know I am a long-standing uber loyal MacUser. Not one of these OMG the new shiny/shiny is out I have to get me some sort of MacUser. I am the I have a Mac SE under my desk that I upgraded to a 52MG hard drive and thought I was all that sort of MacUser. (for my young readers, read the history of Apple)

So today, I am proud to announce I have finally left the ranks of dissatisfied Blackberry users and crossed over to the iPhone side. Of course it is love at first site. For the first time ever, I took my (fully charged) phone out of the box, synched it to my computer in under 3 minutes and went about my day.

No cursing.

No loss of data.

No hassles.

In celebration of this momentous event I have started a new blog:

RunOverYourBlackberry.com

No, I am not kidding. Here is a little screen shot.

I apologize to RIM for this. And honestly at the beginning I loved the Blackberry. But I probably hold the record for both more units needing to be replaced AND the most forced, pull-out-the-battery restarts in a day.

I am soliciting submissions from people on how they choose to express the grief they have had from their Blackberries. (video or photo).

So hop on over. And feel free to send in your submissions. Be creative and don’t be shy.

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