Category Archives: humor

August 29, 2009 · 11:32 pm

ish

1-cupish

If you read me often you will know that my favorite suffix is ‘ish’. I add it to words where it does not usually exist because I have a philosophy that many things in life just are… well, ‘ish’.

Ish is neither here nor there. It does fall in the usual defined, orderly categories of life. Ish is when you think it might be, but maybe not. It is the perfect description for when you need to color outside the lines.

In fact, as far as I am concerned, ish should really be a stand-alone word. Well, actually Urban Dictionary has a few listings for it so I guess I am not alone in that thought.

I saw the measuring cup in the picture at the beginning of this post when I was in Urban Outfitters in Madison (a lot of Urban’s in this post, you might even call it Urbanish). I am not sure why I did not buy it, perhaps it is because I had already bought out Bed Bath and Beyond  and Target and was feeling a little lightish on cash.

So, did you like this post?

ish, maybe?

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 27, 2009 · 6:56 pm

You Make Your Own Luck

shamrockBullshit!

I have always hated this expression. No not ‘bullshit’, I love that expression. I hate the expression, ‘You Make Your Own Luck’. I would imagine that phrase was first coined by someone who was lucky and then perpetuated by those who were also born under that proverbial of stars.

You make your own opportunities. That is a truth. And sometimes they work out, sometimes they don’t but you keep plugging away at them. That is what makes you who you are and the ride worthwhile, even when it is a rocky one. One door closes and another one opens (thanks for that reminder, Rik).

But luck, my friends, that is simply something you have or you don’t.

Case in point: My car lease was up. At the beginning of the summer actually, but we kept extending it because we could not decide on the next car. It went back this morning.

Yesterday I parked it on the street because the boys were playing basketball in the driveway. And what happened? Not one but TWO tickets – expired registration AND inspection. (oops!) $260 and I don’t even get any shoes out of the deal!!

Now, I will blame Gary take full responsibility for not checking on this but seriously, it was going back and we kept extending the lease and never checked. Yeh, I know it is right in front of my face every time I drive but so are the things I hit with my car occasionally so that would be a bad argument.

My point would be this: those who are lucky, coast (and make up infuriating sayings). Those who are not get two tickets the day before they bring the car back.

But hey, I am blessed. And I suppose that is more important than luck when you come down to it.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 26, 2009 · 8:22 pm

Rats!

rat-slippers

Yep, rat slippers. These are, by far, the creepiest items I have seen in a long time. I found them on this post featuring 14 unusual slippers. Someone tweeted this the other day and I am so glad I was curious enough to check it out. This link is worth a click as there are many other amusing styles.

None are as outrageous as these suckers. Seriously, can you imagine slipping your feet into them? They look so real I fear that they are actually hollowed out rats. Could that be? They would have to have been made by a taxidermist. And what do you think the inserts are made of?

I am not sure why I find these so amusing. Perhaps because one of Gary’s favorite expressions is, “I don’t give a rat’s ass!” For some reason I always laugh when he says that. It makes no sense at all. If you DO give a rat’s ass does that mean you care deeply about something?

If I buy these for him he can nestle his feet into a rats ass. Kind of.

Oh, and yes, I realize that this post is a far cry from my poignant outpouring about sending my daughter off to college. (SHE will really love these!)

Chalk this all up to the stunning breadth of topics I cover here.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog.For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 25, 2009 · 9:58 pm

@shitmydadsays… an Overnight Celeb

Just when twitter was becoming mainstream and frankly a little bit boring, someone came along and broke the clutter.

No one can ever predict what makes something catch on, and surely this one is no exception. Here is the twitter page for @shitmydadsays

@shitmydadsays

Claiming to be a 28-year-old living with his 73-year-old dad who is ‘awesome’ he has decided to ‘just write shit he says’. I would love to believe this is for real, but even if it is not, it is so damn funny I could not help but share.

Which seems to be the sentiment all over the web. I learned about this from my friend Liz, on Facebook. When I started following him yesterday morning he had somewhere in the neighborhood of 23,000 followers. Quite impressive.

Unless of course you consider that fact that this evening he is up to 88,839 followers and going strong. I love the idea that there are 88,838 other people out there who share my sick sense of humor and find this funny.

So far our friend has only sent out a single tweet a day, counter to the running conversations that are commonplace on twitter. AND he only started this account on August 3rd!

Here are my favorites so far:

“The dog is not bored, it’s a fucking dog. It’s not like he’s waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He’s a god damned dog.”

“Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.”

“Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices… Jesus, Joni (my mom) it’s a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn’t even real dammit!”

and this loving parental entry:

“It’s watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don’t even pay rent, just do it. Shit.”

I am not sure what made this guy tip,  or why I and so many others find him so funny. But we do.

Can’t wait to see what kind of deal he cuts from this.

Not unlike Stuff White People Like who landed a book deal in record time and now an internet TV show, sometimes the most ridiculous things hit a chord and catch on.

As The Magnet For The Asburd, I gotta love that!

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 23, 2009 · 8:33 pm

College Mom Buys Crack in Madison Alley

alley

Okay, this is the last of the college move-in trilogy of posts. Here is a little anecdote that will amuse you. It is vintage Amy.

I went down to the recycling room of Jana’s apartment building to dump boxes. As I heard the door click shut I realized that I needed a keycard to get out. Of course I did not have my cell phone.

This was a classic Amy situation. All I could think of was this was like an I Love Lucy episode. This was in the back of the building and all the banging in the world would never get me out of there.

Before I had a chance to panic I found an unlocked exterior door that led into an alley. This would have been fine if I did not come out just as friends were standing across the street calling Jana’s cell.

“Hey, what were you doing in that alley?”, they asked.

“Um, buying crack?”, I answered.

I think they thought that was funny.

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August 22, 2009 · 11:56 pm

College Move-in, Big Box Style

big-box-logos

This post is dedicated to all you fellow parents out there partaking in the annual ritual of moving your offspring into the countless institutions of higher learning across this great land.

You know who you are. All of you flocking to the big box stores, veteran patrons of the Bed Bath and Beyond retail brainstorm: ‘pack and hold’. Consumers of everything that is not nailed down in Target’s ‘College ’09’ aisle. Walmart, Costco and Best Buy fans. If you are anything like me, around hour 36 you were resembling some sort of parental Night of the Living Dead character wandering around the aisles insisting on ridiculous items like shoe organizers and storage bins ad nauseam; the last shred of your sanity gone out the window with your third Starbucks of the day.

Seriously folks, we have surely lost our minds, have we not?

And if I were to guess correctly, most of you went off to college with some big ass ole Bose 901 speakers, a few cinder blocks and wood boards, a couple of orange and milk crates and an album collection that took up three quarters of your parents’ car.

There were no fashionable color coordinated canvas storage bins or over the door hooks, no shower caddies or must have bed in a bag sets. You had some clothes, a few towels, the old linens from your parents’ house an indian tapestry bed spread from the headshop and you were good to go.

Show of hands please, how many of  you had the coordinated dust ruffle for your bed? Yeh, that’s what I thought. Come to think of it, we did not even have bed frames, the fashion of the times was box spring and mattress on the floor. Anybody out there feeling like their college years were somehow not fulfilled because they did not own the ShamWow, or its pathetic copycat, the ShamEase (whose name is not nearly as cool).

So what has made us fall into this trap? Oh right, because we created it. We are the As Seen on TV generation of parents and damn it our kids’ will be organized and color coordinated even if it makes us broke!

Hey, I am not pointing fingers. I am as guilty as they come. You might recognize me as the woman who was wondering up State Street in Madison, WI muttering about the third curtain rod I bought that was finally the right size while searching for a hardware store to buy a rubber mallet.

Don’t ask!

(Stay tuned tomorrow for the funny stories)

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 13, 2009 · 9:37 pm

Nesting Like a Crazy Old Hag

nesting

Odd phenomenon, this nesting thing. Three days and counting till my kids come home. Where the hell did the summer go? There sits that list of ‘Things to do while the kids are away’ on my desk and there are certainly not enough check marks next to tasks.

Solution: mommy hyperdrive. Only this year it is more reactive than proactive. For instance we finally replaced the front lamp post because it snapped at the base and fell over in the wind. Hence the electrician was called to re-attach the fixture and while he is here he can fix the stuff that we have ignored for at least five years awhile.

Dinner conversation:

Me: The electrician is coming tomorrow.

Gary: Good, did you buy the timer for the basement.

Me: Oh, yeh, that. Um the hardware store didn’t have one. But I did pick up your hair gel.

Gary: Great (thinking that the electrician probably has no use for his gel, not to mention he could very well be bald).

Me: Oh, he needs to go in the attic to see why all the high hats and fan in the bathroom don’t work.

In Unison: NOT THE ATTIC (picture a horror movie scream here)

Gary: I just had tea (earl gray with honey, of course), I am not going up there in the hot attic.

Me: Fine, I’ll go!

So he went up to the attic (he is not  a fool) and started handing down things I had no intention of parting with tonight. For example: the shopping bag of Danny’s kindergarten Thanksgiving decorations, Jana’s cow lamp from her nursery, bags of old pictures. (yes I am an attic pack rat) STOP! The idea here is to clear a path to the part of the attic above the bathroom, not to actually clean it! Let’s just move the crap around like we always do.

Hey, at least he did not call me a crazy old hag like the last time he went up there.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 11, 2009 · 9:06 pm

No wife?

plaid-on-plaid

What’s the shot that this guy has a woman living in his house?

Wife: Hon, why don’t you put on your plaid shirt and completely different plaid shorts today, they look so good together.

Husband: Oh, great, and then I can put on a pair of white gym socks with my sandals and round out the outfit.

I took this shot on the same boardwalk as the kid on a leash, dog in a stroller and recession rosaries. AND the 3 hens 3 girls and Hot… Dogs on leaving the zip code. I almost had photographic whiplash by the end of that day! Forgive the posterization, I had to screw around with the levels to get the plaids to read as I was shooting into the sun. Don’t you just hate it when absurdities don’t position themselves in the correct direction?

I am surely no fashionista. Let’s face it, I wear predominantly black clothes. I consider khaki a color. But I am always amazed when I see this kind of blatant fashion violation.

No, this is not even a fashion issue, this is a complete lack of recognition of complimentary design elements and the principles of clashing. This guy is different from the inappropriate T-shirt guys. Those guys made a conscious choice to be what they considered funny or clever, even if they weren’t. This guy? Did he get dressed in the dark? Did no one ever tell him that plaid needs a nice solid to balance it out. Has he never noticed that others don’t dress like this?

Then of course, I got a little sad. What if he lost his wife and she always told him how to dress?

Or maybe, just maybe, the conversation above really did take place.

It takes all kinds.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 9, 2009 · 8:59 pm

Loss of Domesticity

moldy-bagelWhenever the kids leave for the summer I have a tendency to lose my housekeeping gene. And it gets worse every year. I have been running a home for over 2 decades, but for some reason, without the kids here the conversations go like this:

Gary: We are out of milk.

Me: Oh, yeh, I forgot to buy it.

Gary: Are we out of dishwashing liquid?

Me: Oh, yeh, I forgot to buy it.

Gary: Is there orange juice?

Me: Oh, yeh, I forgot to buy it.

Note to self: show Gary where the supermarket is.

Tonight I decided it was time to start paying attention to the house again and stop focusing on if it is healthy or not to drink during the week. (the answer to that is both yes and no). To embarrass myself into getting back into the domestic mode I will tell you what science projects I found in my fridge and bread box:

1 green fuzzy bagel, 1 green and white fuzzy loaf of unrecognizable bread, a liquid cucumber (Riki found that while making a salad, only a true friend would not judge, thanks Rik), cottage cheese dated July 12th (has that passed yet?), some sort of yogurt dip from the gourmet store where the lid of the plastic container was popping up (what is that about?!), a tupperware of chicken gumbo that I made 2 weeks ago (nasty), apples that I have a sneaking suspicion I bought at the end of June, freezer burned tortollini and many bags of french fries crusted with ice.

Ok, I am sufficiently embarrassed. And pretty sure none of you will accept a dinner invite any time soon. Seriously, I am a good cook and I promise to mend my ways and gain back the domestic skills that have kept this home a well oiled machine all these years.

At least between September and June.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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August 8, 2009 · 9:52 pm

Crotch Grabbing Elf

Paranoid-elf

So many images, so little time.

I took this shot earlier this month at the Brooklyn Flea. This place was a treasure trove of the bizarre. Looking through the shots of the summer this one was begging to be featured. After the Krazy Glued penis caper I could not help but think this little guy was awfully symbolic. Oh, and I saw this right after Michael Jackson died in the height of MJ fever. Any connection? Can’t you picture him in this get up?

This artifact begs a few questions:

1. Who designed this item, for mass market, no less? And for what purpose? I am thinking this could easily be one half of a nesting salt and pepper shaker from the 50’s. Like the dancing bears my mom had. Hey, Ma, do you still have those?

2. What is the significance of the crotch grabbing? Protection? Masturbation? Or simply the need to pee?

3. Why do I think that this little guy could star in a nightmare I will have real soon. One where all the weird stuff I have taken pictures of will come alive and start chasing me.

Oops, sorry, I probably should not let the inner workings of my warped mind out of the bag so candidly.

Oh, right, isn’t that what I have been doing here from the beginning?

The biggest question of all: Why did I not purchase this little guy?

Stay tuned for more oddities from the flea market on days I have nothing to write about.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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