Category Archives: humor

April 2, 2010 · 10:54 pm

Corkscrew Bill and The Hillary Nutcracker

Yeh, this one is really bad. Walking down the street in Delray Beach I came across these little beauties. The poor Clintons, they will never live this down.

My favorite parts? Oh that is easy.

Bill: Warning could create Pinot Envy. Oh I laughed all the way down the street on that one.

Hill: Stainless steel thighs. Really, what more can you say about that.

I would have bought these to add to my collection of stupid items but at 19.99 a piece I simply found them too pricey.

Hey, a girl has to set limits.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 30, 2010 · 11:42 pm

Ah… Americans!

I snapped this shot at JFK airport. This kid was in full tilt meltdown mode and this mom was so nonchalant I found it hard to believe she had not be lobotomized. Her solution to her kid losing it was to basically hang him by his shirt.

From her finger.

Take a look at this pose. She is looking off in the distance barely paying attention to the little monster. At one point he was suspended in mid-air by his shirt. He continued to scream and rant and she continued ignoring him. A textbook portrait of fine parenting for sure.

But, I do kind of like the way they are dressed alike.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 27, 2010 · 10:21 pm

Florida Real Estate

Florida: Day 3

A constant source of entertainment here in South Florida are the names of the planned communities. Like the famous Del Boca Vista of Seinfeld, the naming conventions are quite comical.

Driving home from dinner with my aunt and uncle we passed a favorite: Villagio. Not to be confused with Bellagio. It seems they start to run out of names so they create hybrids. Which is a bit scary since everyone is sort of hard of hearing and could easily wind up in the wrong place.

Here you can also find Valencia Isles, Valencia Lakes, Valencia Pointe and Valencia Shores. My uncle told us that the fire department got fed up and asked them to change things up because it was becoming too confusing.

So they built Greystone.

It would appear that if you live in one of the Valencias chances are your house could burn down before they find you. Something to consider when looking at Greystone.

But our favorite community of all would have to be…

Journey’s End.

Seriously, why not just name the place G-d’s Waiting Room.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 26, 2010 · 10:34 pm

Why My Mom is Like an iPad

Florida Day 2

My Brother: So, are you going to get the iPad?

Me: Nope, not the first generation. It doesn’t have a camera, doesn’t support Flash and has no memory.

My Mom: Jeez, that sounds like me.

Can’t make this stuff up.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 25, 2010 · 10:08 pm

Transvestites, Loehmanns and the Plate Glass Window

For those who do not know, I am in Florida visiting my parents. Hold on to your hats, ladies and gentelman, I am in the the land of Del Boca Del Vista Del Mar Del… vodka please!

If you have never been to the east coast of Florida (west of 95) then think Seinfeld’s parents.

First, my mom made sure I took a sweater because ‘the restaurants down here are freezing’. Um, Mah, I am a menopausal women. Yeh, well, 85 in the restaurant, hands down.

Right about now you are wondering about the transvestites, right? Ok, so we met my Aunt Arlene Whose Not My Aunt and Bert who we never called Uncle Bert and he has finally gotten over being bummed out about that for dinner. (neither of them is a transvestite, hold on, I am getting to it). Growing up she was like my second mom. She and my mother have been best friends since they were girls and she is truly family. We have not seen eachother in a couple of years and tonight she did not disappoint.

Somehow we talked about how they used to take me to Loehmanns when I was little and how freaky the communal dressing room was with all those ladies of different shapes and sizes with the pantyhose and no underwear and the makeup nets on their faces. (I know, a visual to scar any young girl, may explain my severe aversion to pantyhose)

Next they started to talk about when they would go to the Bronx Loehmanns – the Long Island woman’s mecca of fashion bargains. This was a major trip, mind you. They would pack a lunch! They called it ‘doing battle’. Well, it seems Arlene took one such trip without my mom and wouldn’t you know as she came out of the elevator first she saw, “you know that actress that just lost all the weight on Jenny Craig”. “Oh”, I said, “Valerie Bertanelli”. Yes that was it. And right after she gave her a little high sign of a wave, who should come  off the elevator but…

a pack of transvestites.

“What?”, I asked.

“Oh, yes”, she said, ” they come for the ball gowns.”

Who knew?

Then she went on to tell me about a group of transvetites in Forida who would drive a car through the plateglass window of a high-end boutique in Delray to steal the fancy gowns. The woman moved her store and they found her again so she finally closed shop.

And who knew Arl was such an expert on transvestites.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 23, 2010 · 6:01 pm

How Will I Look Old?

Seems that facebook ads have become a new sport here at i could cry. This one is about as scary as they come. Well maybe not as scary as the Elvis Chihuahua, but close.

So let me get this one straight, I should not be SCARED of getting OLD. Ok, so then why are both those words in ominous looking all caps. AND I can not only see how I look old, but I can do this to my friends too?!

Well that might have some appeal to it.

Hey guys, look, I am a way better looking crazy old hag than you are. I am thinking if I did this to the First Thursdays and showed up with prints at dinner you would hear that collective scream around the world.

Oh my, I can even choose my age and try it FREE. And someone would pay for this why?

Correct me if I am wrong but don’t most women my age go into a plastic surgeon’s office and have this type of computer simulation done to show them how they will look YOUNGER? Not sure why we would want to peek any further down the back nine with this application.

Yeh, I think I will keep that little nightmare under wraps and wait for the real thing to gradually creep up on me, then I might not notice as much.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 18, 2010 · 6:49 pm

Gerber Baby Wanted

You all know how I love facebook ads. This one surely does not disappoint. It would appear our friends at Gerber are searching for a new baby to represent their brand. No, they are not a client, and no I do not feel either one way or another about their product. Honestly, since Danny is 17 (years, not months) I am embarrassed to say I don’t even know if that is the brand I bought for him.

Wait, did I even give him baby food? Oh, I guess I must have, he wasn’t born with teeth. I think with Jana I might have gone the make your own food route for a little while. I have memories of ice cube trays of pureed chicken but I think that got too gross.

Whatever, this is not about baby food. It is about babies. Now for those of you who are not familiar, this is the traditional Gerber baby. This kid is friggin’ adorable, right. I mean that little button nose, the sweet little bowtie lips, the sparkling eyes laced by long lashes, perfect shaped head… you get the picture.

Now the baby in that facebook ad? C’mon folks this little sucker is scaaaary looking. This little imp looks petrified and I hate to be cruel here but a little alien-esque. Of all the babies out there, and with all due respect to the parents of this one, could they not have found a stock photo of a better looking baby than this?

Hey, I guess it’s better than using that hairy guy they used on the moms go back to school ad.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 16, 2010 · 6:50 pm

Keep on Truckin’ Mama…

… truck my blues away!

Have you ever found yourself on the Cross Bronx Expressway when it is at a complete standstill?

That’s a joke. If you are from NY you know that the Cross Bronx Expressway is ALWAYS at a complete standstill and you avoid it at all costs. Except when you are a completely happy-to-be-out-of-the-basement idiot listening to your ipod at 10, while you are driving on a painfully glorious 60 degree almost-spring-you-can-taste-it sort of day like today. Then you mistakenly take the Throgs Neck Bridge instead of the Triboro to the Harlem River Drive when you are going to Jersey and you find yourself smack in the middle of the worst 10 mile stretch of road in the universe! Or at least the east coast because I think all of Southern California is probably the equivalent of the Cross Bronx only with better scenery.

So there I am.

Stuck between 4 tractor trailors.

And I have to pee.

Like, so bad that it seems a waste not to have to go for a sonogram with a bladder that full. (inside joke for those who know about having to take a pelvic sono). Only I could bring the word ‘pelvic’ into a post about traffic and trucking. Yeh, I know, part of my charm.

So, to amuse myself, and to take my mind off of the fact that my bladder was very likely going to burst any moment, I pulled out my camera and started to find things to take pictures of. What? You don’t do that?

Well, lucky for me that I had that camera because somewhere around exit 5 this red truck pulls up alongside me with my last name on it!! (ok, maiden name but I use it for blogging and work so it counts). Thanks Zimmerman Truck Lines for truckin’ my blues away. (ok, painfully corny, sorry)

I took it as a sign that I was meant to be there at that moment.

Huh? Whatever, just humor me.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 14, 2010 · 10:17 pm

Fill in the blank

Fortunately this blog post is not intentionally blank. In fact it is filled with the nonsense inside my head and a big fat question for the brand guys at Samsung.

We just bought this super cool flat screen TV for bedroom because, well because it was Gary’s birthday and I could not bear another life cycle event with him looking longingly at the TVs everywhere we went. If you read yesterday, it was a bit of an ordeal to buy and make room for this item. It continued to be an ordeal when our main man Carlos came to install this baby and he could not find the stud. Yeh, I know, it was a present for ‘the stud’ but I can’t hang a TV off of him so we needed to find the one in the wall. Built in 1939, this house has its charms, but finding studs in plaster walls is not one of them.

I digress. While Carlos was making countless holes in my wall looking for the stud, doing a great job installing the TV, I decided to look through the QuickStart manual and familiarize myself with the TV.

Ok, that is a lie. Actually, I did not even consider looking at the manual until I was checking out the nifty swing mount on the TV that will actually allow me to get into the back of my underwear drawer in the armoire by moving out of the way (the old stationary tv blocked it) and in turn touched… SOMETHING, that knocked out the reception on the TV. Did you follow that last stream of consciousness insane sentence? Anyone out there distracted by my underwear drawer? No matter, point is we needed to figure out how to get the TV back on again so I looked at the manual. Gary, on the other hand, called Carlos and he told us how to do it.

Never mind. None of this has anything to do with what the point of this pointless post is. Looking through the guide I came upon 3 pages that said ‘This page is intentionally left blank”. Really? WTF. Why would three pages be left blank. Intentionally no less. Ok all you printer and designer types out there, we all know that a saddle stitched (fancy name for stapled) brochure has to have a multiple of 4 pages because the sheets are printed in spreads and folded in half creating 4 pages per signature. Enough of the print layout lesson. My question to the brand manager at Samsung would be:

YOU COULDN’T THINK OF ANYTHING TO PUT ON THOSE EXTRA 3 PAGES OTHER THAN “THIS PAGE WAS INTENTIONALLY LEFT BLANK”?

I mean seriously, guys, a little marketing opp here maybe. Perhaps some more troubleshooting, I am sure you did not cover all the problems that I will encounter on that one page. But three blank pages? And your solution to them was to let us know that it was intentional? Yikes, I have been in the biz for a long time. I have never had a client say, “Hey, let’s intentionally leave these pages blank and then state it so we don’t look like we made a mistake. Ok, our work is done here, drinks anyone?”

Yeh, well, the TV is real nice, even if the brand guys are kind of lame.

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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March 14, 2010 · 12:02 am

Problem/Solution

Problem: Husband pining for a flat screen for the bedroom.

Solution: Best Buy cards for his birthday present.

Problem: They don’t have the one he wants.

Solution: Buy it at PC Richards. (retaining the Best Buy cards for more toys – good present becomes excellent present).

Problem: He (of course by nature of having a penis) wants a bigger one than can fit in the allotted space.

Solution: Move the armoire over 6 inches.

Seriously?! You want to move that thing. That thing with all that crap in it that will have to be folded and sorted through since we have to empty it to move it?

OK, nothing better to do on a rainy day.

Problem: Two old farts who don’t want to throw out their backs.

Solution: 3 17-year-old Baco boys in the house.

Thanks boys!

Have a problem… bring it on!

Of course we now need an installer to hang the tv, a carpet cleaner to get the marks from the armoire out of the rug, the room could use a painting and come to think of it we could use new window treaments. Or I could just go out for martinis and dim the lights.

Hey, if you give a house a cookie...

Haven’t had enough of me yet? You can also read me at 50-Something Moms Blog. For photo enthusiasts, visit Leaving the zip code, photos from outside the comfort zone.

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